Recently, Vince wrote an incredible blog about dangerously bold prayer. Our pastor did a two week series on this topic that spawned some conversations between Vince and I. One night he asked me what was the most dangerous prayer I've ever prayed. I had to think for a moment and several came to mind. Just remembering them and the events of my life that prompted me to pray them brings tears to my eyes and quickens my heart!
Without a doubt, the most dangerous prayer I've ever prayed is "whatever it takes." I have asked God for many things in my life, but I usually attach things to my requests - stipulations, instructions, and limits - as if He'll miss something if I don't point it out. "God, please change my life in this area...but don't let it be too painful, don't take me out of my comfort zone, don't go too far, and don't take too long, ok?" Wow. When I really think about it, it is pretty presumptuous of me to ask the Creator of the Universe for something, and then try to micro-manage Him. It really shows lack of faith. It's telling God that I don't trust that He knows what He's doing with my life. Praying "whatever it takes" just pulls out all the stops and gives God free reign over my future. It takes complete surrender. It's the most scary, vulnerable position I've ever been in.
There have been only a few times in my life where I have surrendered enough to pray that prayer, and sometimes it has cost me alot. "God...whatever it takes...soften his heart. Do what it takes to break him so that he finally realizes that he needs You." Whoa. That was a costly prayer. One that to my knowledge has still gone unanswered. "God...protect my heart. Don't let me get involved with the wrong man. Until you bring me the man that you have chosen for me, let me remain alone...as long as it takes." That one was costly as well, far more than I ever imagined when I prayed it ~ but oh so worth it!! And potentially the most costly of all...."God, please save my children. Don't let them grow up and reject You. If that were to happen, I don't think my heart could bear it. Save them, Lord...whatever it takes."
It's scary for me to trust...maybe I'm revealing too much about myself here, but I may as well be honest. I have trust issues. Vince understands this about me and he is so very patient and loving and thankfully he doesn't take it personally. I know that I can trust him completely with my life and with my heart. But that did not come easily or quickly. It took some time for me to let down my guard, to truly let him into my heart without reservation. Not because I saw something in him that made me cautious, quite the opposite. And it wasn't necessarily residual scars from past hurts. It was something within my own heart that didn't trust God enough. I didn't truly believe that He would bring someone wonderful into my life...didn't trust that He would come through for me, or that I was deserving of a love like this. But God, in His infinite wisdom and mercy, saw something different. His plan for my life was far more than I ever imagined for myself! And I wonder if any of it would have come to fruition had I not been willing to surrender to Him and pray that very dangerous prayer....whatever it takes. It was risky, but I thank God every day that I prayed that prayer. Even tho now I have to live with a BOY!!!!!!!!!