Imperfect progress and it's ok that I'm not there yet

Last night I had dinner with my friend Becky.  We sat in her newly remodeled kitchen...that she did ALL HERSELF by the way...painted the cabinets, recovered the dining room chairs, and even resurfaced the countertops HER OWN SELF.  She's that brave and creative and amazing.  

When we get together, it takes very little time for us to dive deep into what I call soul conversation...what we've been thinking about, struggling with, rejoicing over, and learning about ourselves and our faith and our relationships.  Last night was no different.  Two hours flew by in a nano second as we indulged in lo mein and egg rolls and coffee ice cream and rambled and ranted about all the things that have been making up our lives since last time we talked. 

One topic we spend quite a bit of time on (and have been for the past couple years actually) is how we are navigating this season of empty nesting and parenting young adult children who are their very own adult selves and don't want to be parented anymore.  

Sigh.

This is hard.

Harder than I thought it would be, and quite honestly I think so far I am sucking at it.

I used to think things would get easier as the kids got older, that the baby and toddler years were the most challenging and as they grew older and more independent, life would get easier.  It's so cute how I used to think that.  Nothing that I experienced through all the years of parenting, all the books I read and all the things I thought I knew...nothing prepared me for these years when they would leave the nest.  Forge out on their own, no longer wanting or needing my hovering -er, I mean guidance.  

At least when they were babies and they insisted on "me do!" I could still stand there and watch (ok, hover) to make sure they didn't harm themselves with their freedom and independence. But now, not so much.  Now it's "me do!" and "back off...farther...no, farther...keep going, Mom.  I can still see you and feel what you are thinking.  You need to let me go."  

I don’t want to hear that.  That makes my heart hurt and I want to die in my body.  I’d much prefer to hear something like “Mom, what do you think I should do” and “Let’s hang out together for four hours and eat cookie dough and make snow angels and cuddle.”  Or even “Mom, I still need you.”

But then I realize, with the help of my friend and egg rolls and lo mein and coffee ice cream...that this is part of the journey.  This is how it's supposed to be.  We raise them to not need us. 

And their lives are not about me.  

Even though I birthed (some of) them out of my own body, and we had them because we wanted babies and love and family and all the sweet, precious things that come with that forever.  And even though being a mother has been my life's focus and my highest calling for the past 23 years, I now need to swallow this very hard truth.  My kids are not here on this planet to make me feel fulfilled.  They are here to live their own lives, walk out their own journeys, and fulfill their own purposes in this world.  

I have always known this to be true in my brain.  It’s my heart that’s throwing a tantrum.  

Becky gets this.  We are walking parallel roads.  She shared advise she heard recently on how to deal with this so very strong mom desire to fix and help and teach and guide and make them wear their life jackets or better yet, come back to the shore where it's safe when the waters get choppy.  She said in those moments we have one thing to do.  Only one.  And that is to shut it.

Shut.

It.

They don’t want our advise.  Our wisdom doesn’t apply to their lives.  Not now anyway.  When they are in their 40’s they’ll feel differently, but for now they want and need to follow their own callings, make their own decisions and even their own mistakes.  It’s what I did, what we all did, but it's SOOOOOO hard when the maternal lifeguard takes over and we see the waves coming.  We want to make them see what we see, and do what we wish we woulda shoulda done when we saw those same waves coming at us when we were their ages.  When our moms tried to coax or warn us back to shore and we insisted on not.

As hard as it is, I'm learning to keep my feet planted firmly in the sand and enjoy life from the shore as they learn to sail their own boats.  I get the glorious joy and blessing of being part of their stories and sometimes riding along as a passenger and not in the driver's seat.  It's equally thrilling and terrifying, but I am learning to navigate my new role as mom of adult people. 

And I am immensely grateful to have Mr. Wonderful by my side to help keep me sane (not a small job).  He's so much farther along on this journey than I am, and he has unending  grace and patience with me while I figure this all out.  

I may not be there yet, but I'm on my way.

Eat. Move. Rest. Pray.

It's been a week of learning for me,  a lot of praying, and a little crying (mostly because of This is Us....my gosh I haven't cried so much over a TV show since Parenthood).

On Thursday, I met my friend Shannon at Caribou!  We've been friends for years, but it's been many moons since we have actually gotten together.  Whenever we would run into each other somewhere we would always say "let's get coffee!".  And so...we finally did and it was so great :)

We spent a couple hours sipping coffees, catching up on each other's lives, and sharing our health journeys.  Without telling too much of her story (it's hers to tell and she's more than happy to share it!) I will say that she has made some incredible changes to her health and has inspired me in a big way!  God has a way of making things happen at the just right time, and getting together with Shannon was definitely a God thing :)  

So, I was pretty excited about my "Half-Brained Healthy Life Plan" last week when I wrote about it.  To be honest, I thought it would be relatively easy.  I drink water all day long, I love vegetables, we have an awesome new workout room, and I had already made changes to my sleep habits for several months now.  Going to bed by 9-9:30pm and setting my alarm for 6am has been working great for me...until the last week or so.  Our dog Macey has been whining at night and despite trying many things (moving her kennel closer to our room, fluffing up her bed, giving her treats, putting on a fan for white noise) we can't figure out HOW TO MAKE IT STOP.  

We don't get it. She has slept in her kennel most nights of her life.  She loves her kennel...seriously, she does.  It's her den.  She usually goes back there on her own before we even go to bed and has never had a problem, until she was sick a couple weekends ago.  She's better now, but still wakes up at night and thus wakes US up with her whining.  Ugh.  It's almost like having a newborn again.

So...I've been tired. And when I'm tired, life is hard.  And when life is hard, I want to eat. And when I'm tired I don't want to work out.  Kinda like if you give a mouse a....dang it, now I want cookies.

I have made some good choices this past week though...let's focus on those, shall we?  

I've been bringing this snack to work everyday.  The picture makes it look huge, but I promise it's a normal sized apple.

And this has become our favorite evening snack.

Salmon patty and peas for my lunch on Sunday....one of my fav's!

Journaling the other morning, I had an epiphany.  My devotional reading was about (another God thing) cravings.  We were made to crave closeness with God, but too often we try to fill that craving with other things.  Things that never truly satisfy.  Food has been my biggest craving all my life.  And as soon as I try to limit what I eat, the cravings go crazy and in that regard, this week has been no different than any other time I have tried to get healthy.

Except this time I prayed for God to show me what to do.  I asked Him to show me how to live, and eat, and move, and rest.  And as I wrote out that prayer in my journal, there it was in my own hand writing...my answer.

Eat. Move. Rest. Pray.

Simple.  Sustainable.  Not always easy, but I can do hard things.  

I CAN DO HARD THINGS.  

Coming home

It's been a bit of a stormy day today.  It started out warm, probably the last hot day of the year because after today it is supposed to be in the 60's and 70's, which is just the way I like it!  By mid afternoon it got pretty dark and thunderstormy.  Luckily it let up just as I was leaving work.  I needed to stop at Shopko for a few necessities and just as I was walking to my car the rain picked up again.  Sometimes I get lucky like that :)

After supper I opened windows and was pleasantly surprised by how much the rain had cooled things off...it's down-right cold out now!  So on with the sweatshirt, slippers and blanket.  My favorite time of year has arrived :)

This was our Macers on Friday night...I LOVE it when she curls up and puts her paw over her nose, all baby.  She has really mellowed into a lovable, sweet dog.  Every morning she is happy, and every time we walk in the door, even if we only go out to the garage for 10 seconds, she is excited to see us :)

Saturday I went to Radiant Church for a Beth Moore Simulcast!  It's been a while since I did anything with women's ministry and I have really missed it.

It was time.

Just walking through the door made me feel like I was coming home.  I have missed it.  This is/was my church home for 17 years.  These past two years that we've been going to Pleasant Valley have been an adjustment.  It's a wonderful church - they both are.  But PV is much bigger and that takes some getting used to.  For a long time we felt kind of anonymous there.  Nobody really noticed if we were there or not, or so it seemed.

I had some serious homesick feelings on Saturday...so many friends, true friends that I hadn't seen since the last women's event that I attended shared warm hugs and "I miss you's".   Walking through the lobby, into the bathroom and past the library and the offices and kitchen.  I know every room.  I know what's in the cupboards in the kitchen.  It's still home to me.

I began praying for God to make a way for us to return, if that is where He wants us to be.  I knew how my heart was feeling, but it's not just about me.  Kyle and Hope have connections at PV, they are the reason we switched churches.  They were very involved in the youth group there, and when your highschoolers are engaged and excited about church...you listen.  You make that a priority over your own nostalgic feelings.  We only have so many years with them.

And then there's Jaden...our sweet grandson!  He loves kids church at PV, and we need to make it a priority to get him there regularly.

There were moments on Saturday that I just about broke out in tears...it felt so wonderful just to be there, with my sisters in Christ, worshipping and sensing the presence of God so strong in that room full of believing women.  Some obviously struggling, being hugged and prayed for and encouraged. I walked away feeling hopeful and loved and refreshed.

Sunday morning, Mr. Wonderful and I shared breakfast at Bonnie Raes before church.  I was already praying as I was getting ready, feeling like the things Beth Moore was teaching about yesterday were just too good to be true.

We are the bride of Christ.

I am beloved to Jesus.

He loves us with an everlasting, unfathomable love.

It's too good to be true, God.

I mean, I know it's true because Your Word says it is.

Sometimes my heart just can't comprehend, or dare I say believe it.  This is why the disciples said to Jesus, "I believe, Lord.  Help me with my unbelief."  That makes sense to me now!  Help me believe with my whole self...mind, heart and soul.

(Just look at that face...he really is as sweet as he looks!) 

My prayers were answered once we got to PV on Sunday morning... after chatting with a friend about an upcoming ministry gathering she is coordinating, which led to a conversation about how much we are loved by Jesus (she wasn't at the simulcast yesterday...coincidence?  I THINK NOT!  There He goes, again :)

The prayer I am referring to is "where do we belong"?

It didn't take long for us to feel affirmed that we are where God wants us to be.  We both love it here.  God may lead us back to Radiant some day, but for now this is our church home.  And the cool thing about church is that it's not the building, or the programs, or the music, or even the pastor that makes it a church.  The church is made up of believers, and even if we attend different buildings and listen to different pastors, we all belong to the family of God.

What I'm asking God for in 2017

I love new beginnings!  It's almost a new year, and you know what that means...a new planner! Have I mentioned I'm getting a new planner? And a new journal too...both filled with crisp, bright white blank pages just waiting for ideas and plans and goals and prayers to make their way from my mind and heart onto paper. I love writing, I love everything about it. I don't mind typing out my thoughts like I do on this blog, but there is something about holding paper in my hands, turning actual pages, and writing out my life and thoughts in my own handwriting on sheets of real paper spread out before me. I find it refreshing and inspiring.  I may have mentioned that my 2017 planner is on it's way (I ended up ordering a different one than the one I had last year and wrote about here).  I'm just a wee bit excited about it.

It's New Year's Eve and as I am sitting on the couch reclining next to my husband, half paying attention to the black & white movie he's watching, I am contemplating the new year.  I'm wondering what 2017 has in store for us and praying that it is mostly good things.  I know that if God allows trials into my life, that He will have a purpose in it, and I pray that I remember that when they come.  Even so, I am asking God to bless this year. For myself, my husband, and our kids.  Here is what I'm asking Him for, for all of us...

Deeper Faith

Unconditional Trust

Complete Surrender.

A new year means a chance to start over.  

Refocus. 

Prioritize.  

And for me, this new year means resurrecting old passions that have gone stale, like writing, playing piano, photography, women's ministry, time with friends, believing for good things.  It is surprising to me that I have let these passions fall by the wayside, but what's even more surprising is that I haven't really even missed them.  But there is an emptiness that remains in their absence that is becoming obvious to me now and I'm beginning to long for them again. Especially the believing for good things.  I've gone kind of numb to that. Not cynical exactly, I just haven't been expecting good things to happen and I don't like that feeling.  That's not who I want to be, and it's certainly not who God wants me to be.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.  Romans 15:13

So, it's a great time for a new year to happen!  My hope is renewed and I just know that 2017 is going to be a great year because God is good,  my husband started blogging again, and my new planner will be here in a couple weeks! Cha!

Flowers, Friends, and What we do when our kids are away

My husband is watching a show on tv that is explaining step by step how air conditioners are made.  Step. by. exciting. step.  Would you like to know how interested I am in this? 

(Crickets chirping)

Yea, 'bout that much.  And now he's fallen asleep on the couch next to me.  I'm pretty sure that implies permission to take over the remote and change the channel, which I would not hesitate to do except he's holding the remote on his chest...nice.  If I try and take it out of his hand, I'll risk waking him up.  If I don't, I will have to endure this torture or get off the couch myself and do something that requires energy.....oh the dilema.  Guess it's the perfect time to babble on my blog!

We have been having a fantastic weekend!!  I planted all my flowers on our decks today ~ something I look forward to every year, and I am especially happy with how they turned out this year...

This afternoon was spent at a memorial day party at our friend's home.  My friend Kam is a fabulous decorator who shares my love of country decor...

...and her husband Dave is an amazing chef.  We feasted on grilled burgers & brats, homemade black bean & corn salsa, blueberry iced tea served in mason jars with lemon & lime wedges...

...and homemade strawberry & peach shortcake.  I'm talkin' homemade melt-in-your-mouth biscuits and real whipped cream......can you say YUMMO?!!  'Cause we did...alot.  I woulda/shoulda taken more pictures of the food but I was too busy eating with my eyes closed and moaning.  Good food, lots of laughs, wild kids armed with nerf guns, and a hysterical game of  "Leisure Suit Relay"...

And tonight, we shared a treat with the kids.....Vince and I found these Jelly Belly Sodas at the fruit market on Saturday morning, so we bought one of each kind and shared them with the kids tonight.  We each sipped a little of each one, decided which ones were our favorites, and then each of the kids finished off the bottle of their favorite flavor...

And, another hi-light of our weekend was some "just us" time.  The kids were all gone for the afternoon and overnight on Sunday (Kyle & Nick to a Twins game with their dad, and Vinny & Hope had sleep-overs with their friends), so it was just Mr. Wonderful and I at home to enjoy the day and evening.  And we did.  Dinner on the deck, Little River Band really loud, and a movie later (that I may or may not have slept through), followed by staying up 'til 2am...uninterrupted time, just us!

Where oh where are you tonight?

Why did you leave me here all aloooone?

I searched the world over and thawt I found true love
You met another and pppphhht, you was gooooone!

Sorry....too many Hee Haw episodes with my dad.  So of course, I just had to start singing this with the kids, and of course they were like "what are you singing?" so of course I had to go find it on youtube, and of course I have to post it here for all to enjoy!



...and of course, now I've got them singing it too.  Hey, who knows who the celebrity guest was???  I do, tehe :)  Again, it's my dad's fault.  I used to love to watch Hee Haw with him.  Maybe that's where all my problems started?

So where oh where have I been and what in the world have I been doing, since I haven't been blogging much? Well, let's see,

Living life with 5 kids at home....'nuff said there.

Visiting my friend Lori who is in the end stages of cancer.  She is in hospice care now and I've been going there to see her almost everyday.  Lots of emotions involved...sadness, for all the people she will be leaving behind who love her.  Especially her husband.  Regret, for all the times that she wanted to do something and I was too busy.  Joy, for her reward in Heaven awaits her and she will get to experience it soon, and meet Jesus face to face!    Gratitude, for the friendship that we have.  A new perspective on life, as I realize all the everyday blessings that I take for granted...such as how good a hot shower feels, snuggling in my warm bed with our new flannel sheets that are soft as little baby butt cheeks!  How beautiful the snow and frost covered trees were the other morning with the sun shining through them, and remembering how much Lori enjoys nature and photography (almost) as much as I do.

And we are continuing on our reorganizing projects at home.  Our storage room is nearly complete and all our "stuff" is nearly all organized where we want it.  At least for now...don't tell my husband, but I change my mind alot.  He's such a man - he thinks things through, makes a decision, and goes with it.  I am such a girl - I talk about things that I am thinking about and he mistakenly assumes that when I say "let's do it this way" that it's a decision and not an idea floating through my brain which could change at any moment.  Several times over even.  It drives him crazy, but that's how I work.  It's the bingo wheel thing.

We had SUCH a great yesterday!  I made pancakes for the kids for breakfast, then we all got going on our bedrooms and Saturday morning jobs...no whining, no complaining, and very little dawdling!  Everyone was done by 12:30pm and we enjoyed the rest of the day!  Big improvement from last Saturday, which was a whiney, yelly, cryfest until well into the afternoon (sigh).  But sticking to our (smoking) guns last week yielded some fruit this week, as everyone worked hard and felt good about themselves.  Vince and I had a couple hour shopping date, complete with a stop at Starbucks (heart!)   Then it was homemade pizzas, Toy Story, and our own version of cold stone! 

So here I sit, just finished a whole-wheat bagel with peanut butter and nutella (hello) and I need to go shower for church.  Have a blessed Sunday!! 

Here is a link to my friend Lori's blog!

Click here for Lori & Mike's blog

what I can't live without

We have been doing MAJOR re-organizing at our house....thus the blog hiatus.  We've been decluttering, downsizing, simplifying, and pitching as we go through all the "stuff" we have in all the nooks and crannies of our house.  There aren't alot of them, as we have transformed most of our storage space into bedrooms to accomodate all of our children having their own rooms....which we thought was really necessary for their sanity (and ours!) when we got married and moved our families together into one home.  Turns out we were right.  This has proven to be a good choice for a number of reasons.  The kids really do appreciate having their own rooms, their own space to individualize and escape from eachother once in a while.  And in being forced to store our "stuff" in much less space than we were used to before has turned out to be a huge blessing.  We've needed to go through absolutely everything we own and prioritize what is really important to us, what we can live without and what we can't. 

In the wake of what has happened recently in Haiti, "what we can't live without" has taken on a new meaning for me.  When I look around our home at all of our "stuff" I can't help but feel guilty.  Do you ever struggle with that?  I do.  We have so much.  So much more than we need...more than so many people on this planet do.  And we are spoiled.  Really, we are.  We are the ones that Jesus was talking about when he said that it will be hard for the rich to enter Heaven.  I am rich.  And so are you.  We are so blessed we can't see straight...we can't see our need for God.  We aren't desperate enough.  We aren't in that place where we are wondering every single day how we will obtain the necessities of life for ourselves and our children...where we have no other choice but to completely rely on faith to make it.  Many of us can make it just fine on our own...or so we think. 

That's the big lie...that we are fine.  That we don't need God.  Alot of us know we need Him for salvation, but in the day to days of life we just aren't desperate enough.  Or maybe it's just me.  Sure, sometimes I'm desperate.  Everyone is desperate in a crisis.  But on a day to day basis, if I allow myself to be distracted I begin to get out of focus, and before I know it far too many days have gone by without hitting my knees and crying out to God with the kind of desperation that my life depends on.

But one of the awesomest (and scariest) things about God is that He's not ok with leaving us in that place where we think we are fine.  He loves us enough that He wants us to be desperate for Him.  Because He knows that He is the One sustaining us.  He is the One - the only One - who has what we need.  And He never wants us to forget it.

It is a strange feeling to talk with someone who knows she is dying.  That's what I did tonight, and several other nights, with my friend Lori who is dying of cancer.  She was diagnosed only 3 months ago and is already in the final stages. It is an aggressive, ugly cancer. I suppose all cancer is ugly. I've just never seen it up close like this before. To look into the face of someone who knows that she will not see her next birthday...who may not see next week...who is still very much alive and doesn't want to leave those she loves, it changes your perspective on things.

I've sat with her and held her hand.  And hugged her husband as he cried.  They know what it's like to be desperate.  They are living in that place right now...day by day, moment by moment.  It has changed their perspective on what is truly important in life, and mine too. 

So tonight I will hit my knees, and cry out to God to help me see what is truly important.  To let things go, to pitch what is unnecessary and distracting in my life, to take my eyes off my circumstances and put them where they belong...on Jesus...without whom we have no life at all.

A happy day!

This is my Christine!

We are so totally BFF's! We have been best friends since, well - forever! Actually since this....

Christine has been there for every significant moment of my life (and many insignificant ones too)...

Lots of hairstyles...oh my word. Is that a side pony tail??
Yes. Yes it is.

Through the years there have been many, many moments like these...


Together we have gone through Jr. High, Highschool, college, boyfriends and weddings. We've shared pregnancies and kids and all things in between. Now, we live about 2 hours apart and because of all our kids' activities and life busyness, we don't see eachother nearly often enough. Sigh. Sometimes I go into withdrawals and I just need my Christine fix!!

Well, on Labor Day I got my fix! Vince and I and our kids met Christine and her kids (her husband Mark unfortunately had to work) at a very fun park half way between our towns. We spent the afternoon picnic-ing and chatting while the kids played. It was an awesome and wonderfully therapeutic afternoon!!
Ever since highschool, we've had many talks about wanting our kids to be BFF's just like us, and despite the distance, that appears to be happening...




...which makes our hearts very, very happy!

Psssst, Christine....guess what happens in exactly 2 years, 2 months, and 2 days from today. Actually, right now??? I'll give you a hint...look at what time I posted this.
Muah!