Fighting demons

I'm tired.

Fighting demons is exhausting, especially the ones that continue to haunt me long after I thought I had beaten them.  

It's a fight, nearly every day to keep trying.  To not let them win.  But the temptation is strong to give up and give in to unhealthy habits, and have immediate freedom from the struggle.  Whatever it is in the moment.

"Just have it, you'll feel better."

Escape.  Numb.  Give up.

"The fight is too hard, it's too hard to resist cravings and I don't have the energy."

"It won't matter anyway.  This one thing won't change anything.  Not really.  Not today.  I mean, look at me?"

"I can begin again tomorrow.  Or next week".  

Or never.

These are all things I tell myself, except they are all lies and I know it.  Even as I'm saying them, I know. 

Numbness wears off and escape finds its way back to reality.  

A reality that never seems to change.  

I can't seem to change it anyway.

God can, but He's slow about it.

And I don't appreciate that.  

When relief is what we seek, the last thing we want to do is have to wait for it.  

Change takes time and I hate that about it.

I crave the destination, but the journey isn't always pretty.  

It's kind of like riding in an airplane. 

It terrifies me.  I have lots of things in my arsenal to help me through it including meds and oils and wrist bands and snacks and music and alcohol.  "Flying Lisa" is a whole thing.  She's all about creating an alternate reality designed to numb out, escape, hide from the fear and the struggle rather than facing it.   

I don't want to live afraid.  

I don't trust God with my fear.   I tell Him I do, much like I tell others and myself.  But truth is I don't.  

Not really.

Not enough to let go of my arsenal of antidotes.  

Antidote:  a medicine taken or given to counteract a particular poison.

My poison is fear.  And it's deadly.  

It slowly kills the life I want to live, the faith I want to rely on, the truth I want to believe.  

What am I so damn afraid of?  I've been living with it my entire life, this fear, but I'm not sure I've ever really tried to figure out what it is.  What is its purpose, besides to destroy me?  Maybe that's the only purpose.  A demon's purpose is to be demonic.  To steal, kill and destroy, according to the bible.  

Maybe that's just it.  Maybe it's not more complicated than that.  

Demons have arsenals too, and their weapons are fierce and consistent.  They trip me up and snarl at me to stay down and sometimes I listen.  It feels safer to stay low rather than continue to be knocked to the ground over and over. When I"m crawling around in the dirt I don't have so far to fall.  I can sit there with my head on my knees and protect myself from inhaling the dust that gets kicked in my face.  

Except I'm not really protected.  I'm imprisoned.  

Security is not found in isolation, 

and freedom is not found in escape.    

The more I scrounge around in the dirt, the deeper the pit I inevitably dig for myself.

And a pit is not a home.

What's happening

 It's more of a statement than a question...or I guess it's both.  

What's happening.

I have a confession to make.  2021 has kicked my butt.  There I said it.  No sugar coating, just being real.  I'm not going to pretend that I've been riding waves of strength and peace as I've navigated through this past half-a-year since Vince's heart issues began (or surfaced, rather).  They began long before that day that he had his first heart attack in May and I suppose that's the root of my problem.  

It snuck up on him, and thus, us.  

And that's always been my greatest fear...being blind-sided.  Scary things are lurking in the dark and without warning, they will jump out and attack.  Call it fear of the unknown.  Paranoia.  Whatever.  I've struggled with it my entire life.  I'm afraid to be happy and calm because then I let my guard down and am not prepared for the thing.  

The thing that's lurking, taunting me, waiting to pounce.

And it leaves me in a constant state of fear of what if...what's next.  What's the next bad thing that's going to happen.  And it's this fear that steals my joy, and sometimes my faith.

Here's where I'm supposed to trust God.  I'm so tired of being afraid.  Trying to drown my fear with food, distraction, avoidance doesn't work in the long run, it just leaves me tired and parched, feeling weak and defeated.  

I don't really have the answers right now.  It's 3am and I'm tired.  What I do know is this...the truth does not depend on my feelings.  And the truth is that I have victory in Christ.  He has not left me alone to fight my battles without weapons.  He is there and gives me all that I need to live a victorious life.  The answer is in scripture, in Jesus Himself.  

That's where my focus needs to be...not on my circumstances, or my fears, but on Him.  I need to get on with living and not wait until things aren't hard in life to be happy.  Thank you God for restoring my peace and joy!  

Thank you for being my Savior tonight.

A spider in the toilet and other things that I didn't expect

I'm still not over the trauma of seeing a gargantuan black spider baby tarantula in my bathroom sink in the middle of the night a few years ago when I had to wake Mr. W to come and kill it for me (which he did like the superhero that he is).  I still think about it when I use the bathroom at night.  Once in a lifetime should be enough for a horror like that, but alas, last night either God or Satan thought I needed another experience of exposure therapy to either help alleviate my fears or re-traumatize me.  I haven't decided which yet.   I prolly shouldn't turn the light on when I get up to use the bathroom in the night, because then what I'm not aware of won't bother me.  But it's too late now, last night I did and now I know about it and IT BOTHERS ME.

I have this thing I like to do, it's super fun and it's called "ruminating over things that frighten or otherwise upset me until I am 10 times more upset about it than I was when the thing actually happened".  I've been doing it my whole life and thus I'm very skilled at it.  It works with most situations.  Take last night for example when I saw the spider in the toilet.  It surprised me, I flushed it down, did my business and went back to bed.  End of story - right?!  

Not so fast, amateurs.  I couldn't leave it at that...I had to lay there awake imagining how the spider got into the toilet, it must have climbed up the tank which means that spiders could be lurking in, on or around my toilet at any given moment including under the seat so now I need to check in on and around the toilet and under the seat EVERY SINGLE TIME or one could end up crawling on me when I sit.  Sweet.  Oh, and it must have crawled across the house and into our bedroom and past our bed to get to the bathroom and, well that means one could easily be IN MY BED RIGHT NOW so for every night for the foreseeable forever I get to check my bed for spiders before I get in.

See how that works?  Like I said, super fun.  

Now imagine what my mind has been doing since Mr. W's heart issues, which are a bit of a bigger deal than spiders.  

The difference with the heart issues is that I am not allowing my mind to go through all the scary scenarios like I do with the spiders.  I remind myself to trust God (which I do) and to focus on the positive (which I also do) and believe for healing and a long, wonderful future for us (which I also really do).  But like spiders, the worries and fears and what-ifs are still lurking in the dark corners of my mind, threatening to creep up unexpectedly and frighten or attack me without warning.  When I don't allow my mind to think about them, they reveal themselves in other ways.  

An ever present undercurrent of anxiety and fear, insomnia, panic attacks.  

They emerge at night (of course) and keep me awake.  My go-to has been to numb out on TV or food (or both) but that has not helped.  I should know this, it never does.  Well it maybe works in the short term for smaller issues.  But when it's a soul issue like this that has deep roots and a long reach, it needs to be brought straight to Jesus at the foot of the cross.  The foot of the cross, where the soil is wet with His blood and rich with healing and redemption.  Spiders can't remain there, they scatter at the sound of my fists pounding in the mud as my soul cries and wails.  And when He lifts my head, and speaks gently to me, I strain to hear His voice but He is patient with me.  He waits until I have the strength to look into His eyes and hear what He has to say.  He tells me He's got me.  He's got us.  It's going to be alright, He is with us and will never leave.  

And He reminds me...He is there in the dark too. 

Because It Does

With everything that's been going on you'd think I'd be writing more.  One thing I've learned about myself...when I'm a little stressed I talk a lot.  When I'm super stressed...

I get quiet.  I shut down.  At least for a time.

But after a while I need to start opening up, or else all the thoughts and feelings and anxiety starts revealing itself in not so happy ways.  

Panic attacks.

Insomnia.

Feeling like something is squeezing my chest and making it difficult to breathe.

Tired all the time.

Overwhelmed.

I'm learning that it's possible to feel all these things and yet still trust God.  I used to berate myself when I got anxious or overwhelmed - thinking it was a sign of a lack of faith.  The more I get to know God, I realize that He wants me to bring these emotions to Him, not try to erase them or hide them from Him, or from others, and even from myself.  

I've spent a significant amount of my life pretending that everything was ok.  Even in the worst of circumstances, I can convince others and even myself that I'm fine.  And I even believe it sometimes.  I numb out with a variety of things (food has always been my favorite) that shield me from experiencing the thing, maybe not completely but at least not so intensely.   

I think in a crisis that defense mechanism can be useful and helpful to get through it.  But there comes a time when the numbing out isn't healthy anymore and I have to peel away some layers and deal with them.  

I'm there.

For someone who has lived a lifetime with an intense fear of something going wrong at any moment, the rug being pulled out from under my feet, or getting blind-sided by something unexpected and painful and terrifying...having your husband almost die from a "widow maker" heart attack can threaten to reclaim all the ground you have gained in prayer and therapy.

Here's where I'm tempted to get all "BUT GOD!" and tell of how He has given me amazing peace and unwavering faith and how He's carried me through and I've come out stronger on the other side of this.  

That would sound pretty impressive and spiritual and I'd probably hear a lot of amens.  But I'd be pretending again.  At least partly.  

The truth is, God has given me peace.  And He's also let me experience being terrified.  Maybe so I'd cling to Him harder.  And maybe so I learn on a deeper level to trust Him to be with me and give me what I need in the moment, no matter what happens.  

Even if the worst happens.

God has given me strength to be there for my husband when he has needed me most.  And God has also let me experience feeling weak and overwhelmed and scared.  

Maybe so I'd cling to Him harder.  

As if my life depended on Him.

Because it does.  

19 Things to focus on instead of COVID!

Wow.  Looking at my last post, just four weeks ago, it seems like forever since things were normal.

Well.

Here is how I’m handling ALL THE THINGS right now. I thought I'd share my thoughts because maybe some of this will be encouraging – and will also be here for me to remind my OWN self when I need it!

1) Communicate. Call and video chat with family and friends. Talk with your people you live with. Check in with each other. Share your frustrations, fears, worries, and stresses. Don’t keep it all to yourself. Sharing is healing.

2) Remember – this will pass. We will not be isolating and living in this uncertainty forever.

3) Do what you can…and then let it go. It’s easy to get consumed with sanitizing EVERY SINGLE THING and then looking around wondering if THIS has germs on it, or maybe THAT over there…ugh. That’s a spiral I don’t need to swirl in. So, I have made a plan for myself and my home. We sanitize:
· When we get home (hands, phones, keys, purse handles, water cups).
· When we get in our car after being out in public.
· At least once a day go through the house and get light switches, counters, handles, buttons, keyboards, and remotes.
· And then…let it go. Seriously, let go of it. Don’t allow myself to worry and obsess.

4) Help others. There are opportunities out there to help those who are unable to help themselves.  Even from our homes.  There are community groups (like the Facebook group "Winona Neighbors Helping Neighbors") who have banded together and are offering help to those who are isolated and don’t have the resources to get what they need.  As long as I am able to, I’m going to continue to help. If I get sick, I’m going to get sick helping people.

5) Sing! Sing loud and often and crazy!  80’s pop!  Hard rock! Get your country on! Or go mellow. Whatever gets your energy out or gets you to take a deep breath and relax. Music is therapy.

6) Pray! God is not surprised by this. He knows what’s going on, and how and when it will end. He has a purpose in this, and He is our only hope - not only now but always.

7) Laugh! Watch funny movies, share Facebook memes. Laughter is healing.

8) Youtube happy things - puppy and kitten videos, penguins walking down stairs, and seals. Oh my word, the seals!  Watching baby seals play make me soooo happy. Google family photo fails. I call this “Penelope Therapy” (Criminal Minds fans will know what I mean).

9) Connect – organize a group chat, a group sing, an online game, or whatever we can do to spend time together and see each other’s faces. Not sure what this will look like yet, but this weekend we are going to organize a virtual family game of Catan!

10) Turn off the dang news. I check in with the news once (ok twice) a day so I am informed, but then I make myself leave it alone. I don’t need to inundate myself with this, it only breeds fear and worry. God is bigger than all the predictions that are being thrown around. He’s teaching us to trust and rely on Him, not the government or even the medical community. I don’t need to listen to what everyone is saying, I need to listen to Him.

11) Move! I’m still working at my job for now so I’m not sitting around ALL day, but when I’m home I need to move. I haven’t been working out like I was for the past few weeks, and my body feels it. I need to go for a walk outside, do my Beachbody workouts, stretch. Again, reminding myself here :)

12) Go outside. I CRAVE fresh air (as my family will attest when I whip open all the windows and declare that we NEED SOME FRESH AIR IN HERE!) Nature is therapeutic for me. Listening to the birds, feeling the breeze and sunshine on my face, taking in a deep breath of fresh air and watching the clouds. Get me by a waterfall and forget it. I’ll sit there for hours if you let me.

13) Create. I love to write – blogging, journaling, even doodling. I also love to cook, bake, and play my (out of tune) piano.

14) Clean & organize. This is also therapeutic for me, and if you’ve been to certain areas of our house lately (eh-hem, our office and storage room) you will see that I NEED SOME THERAPY!

15) Light a yummy smelling candle. I especially love the ones that crackle. That alone reaches 3 of our 5 senses!

16) Practice mindfulness. I’m not talking about in a weird spiritual kind of way, but as a therapeutic technique. Mindfulness is simply being aware and present in the moment and focusing on what is going on in and around you (a.k.a. getting out of your head). Focus on your 5 senses…what can you see, hear, feel, taste and touch right now? Especially if you find yourself getting anxious or overwhelmed or ruminating on negative thoughts…focus on one or all of your senses and break out of that cycle in your mind that is taking you nowhere but to Anxietyville. (I have spent a lot of time there, I know it well).

17) Realize what is truly important in life. I think we are all doing this right now on a new level. Basic needs are no longer taken for granted (I’ve never been so happy to have toilet paper before). I miss being close to people (I’m a hugger), seeing people’s smile (we are all wearing masks at work), and going to coffee shops (Jesus, take the wheel).

18) Remember all of this after the crisis is over. Nearly every generation goes through some type of crisis, and we learn some valuable lessons through experiencing them that we maybe would never learn if life was always calm and good and predictable. As bad as things are (this is difficult, not gonna sugar coat it), many have lived through far worse than what we are experiencing now. The Vietnam War. The Great Depression. The Holocaust. The Macarena. Let’s keep things in perspective.

19) Lastly, and MOST importantly….TRUST God. Just trust Him. Tell Him all your worries and frustration and sadness and even anger. He knows it all anyway, and He tells us in His word that He wants us to bring all our cares to Him. He bears our burdens, heals our wounds, and guides us. He does not promise an easy life, or one free from crisis or heartache. But He promises to those who love Him that He will bring good out of EVERY situation. We have a good God who walks with us through every storm that we experience on this earth, and when our time is up He walks us into eternity with Him. That is what I hold onto.

PS, this is coming soon...

In the eye of the storm

Well, here I am again...

It seems this place inspires me!  I haven't written since the last time I was here, almost two months ago.  I went back and re-read the post where I talked about fear.  There have been many posts actually where I wrote about the topic of fear because as I have already explained it is something I have struggled with since I was a little girl.  But now as I sit here today I can happily say that God has brought so much healing to my life.  I'm almost afraid to type out the words in case they aren't really true, but I will do it anyway...fear no longer grips my heart and mind.  Not like it did.  Not even close.  I have a peace that I haven't known for a long time, maybe ever.  And the only reason for it is that I have chosen to believe God.

To trust Him.  

I am still learning what that means, but what it means to me today is that I do not let my thoughts run wild with worry.  I choose to believe that God is able to do what I can't and I trust Him with it.

For instance, there is the teeny tiny little baby issue of my son being in the path of the WORST HURRICANE IN THE HISTORY OF FOREVER.  Right now as I am typing this, he is being shipped off along with the rest of his unit to a bunker in the mountains as they prepare to ride out the storm.  Yes, I know he will be safe.  The army is prepared for this and will take care of their people.  But my mama mind envisions my baby clinging to a tree all alone being assaulted with wind and waves and big hard objects flying at him at 200 miles an hour.  Yes, I know he's a strong army man, but...

Honestly tho, after going through some mild panic after talking to him earlier in the week, I'm not overcome with fear.  I am surprisingly calm.

Peace that passes understanding is REAL people!

Because this is not something I would or should have peace about.  This would normally send me over an edge or two.  But I have realized (with help from Joyce Meyer) that I need to do what I can do, and trust God to do what I can't do.  I wrote that down on a post-it and put it by my computer at work.  I should put it on a post-it like everywhere I go.  Just attach it to my glasses so it's right in front of my face all the time.  It really helps.  This is a hurricane. My son is 1,981 miles away and in the direct path of the storm. There is absolutely nothing I can do to change that or protect him.

So, I will focus on what I CAN do...I can call and text him, at least for now.  I can encourage him and send him scripture like these:

And I can pray.

  

There is more power in that than anything. 

I am praying for his protection, of course, and for the protection of all the people in this storm's path. How terrifying it must be for those who are faced with losing their homes, and possibly their lives.  I think of Haiti and the Dominican Republic, where people are already struggling and poor. More than anything tho, I am praying for people to turn to Jesus.  To cry out to Him...those who have been putting faith in God off, thinking "some other day" they will consider it. Those who have been keeping their faith in their back pocket because things are going well for them. Those who have never opened their hearts to the Savior.  I pray that this crisis brings people to Him and changes their lives for the better.  God will do whatever it takes to reach His people.  He can calm the storm with a word, but He doesn't always.  And sometimes that is the greatest blessing. 

When fear grips you

When I was a little girl, there were many things that scared me.  A lot of them weren't real, but some of them were.  Both had a grip on my mind and the more I fed them, the bigger they got.

I'm not really sure how far I've come in this area.

One would think that by now I would have conquered my fears and that my heart would be solidly planted in faith and trust in the LORD.  I can say that most of my childhood fears, I have healed from.   But there are some that remain, and have even grown immensely...especially now that I am the parent of teenagers and young adults.  I thought once my kids got to be these ages, the worries and fears for them would lessen.  Sure, teens have issues, but OUR kids would be so loved and grounded and raised in faith that they would soar above all the sticky, messy things that their peers would experience.

The white picket fence that my mind has always framed around my dreams for our children has some mending to be done.  Or actually, maybe I just need to tear that fence down.  It's not reality.  Not for our children, and not for most I suppose.

Life is messy.

Life is complicated.

Life is painful, sometimes brutally so.

And strongholds are strong.  So very strong.  My stronghold of fear has thick roots that go deep, gripping my soul so tightly that it suffocates me at times and I literally feel like I can't breathe.

I have been walking in a state of fear for weeks, months even, because of things our kids have been going through.  Each, their own individual struggles, none of which are that unusual for their stages in life, but nonetheless they are difficult and my mama heart can't take it sometimes to see them struggle so.  I want so desperately to fix it...not to swoop in and make it all better (well, yea, sometimes that), but more importantly I want them to go to the One who can make sense of their situations and their lives, provide guidance and direction and a life of joy, even amidst heartache.  I want them to go to the One who forgives, redeems, restores, and makes all things new.

And I want them to go there NOW!  GO DIRECTLY THERE NOW!  DO NOT PASS GO!  DO NOT COLLECT $200!

But...

As I so often have done in my life, we tend to take detours.  We think our own way is better, or we just don't think about it that much at all.  We just take the road that, to us, looks faster and smoother but in reality is filled with potholes and road kill and much rougher terrain than the one God would lead us on.  And it often doesn't get us where we truly want to be...which is where God wants to bring us...the place where he provides healing and restoration, renewal and hope.  

We often don't follow that path because we don't always believe that it leads to those wonderful places.    The path He wants to take us down doesn't look easy, and in reality it's not.  Sometimes it is harder.  It's harder to forgive than to stay angry.  It's harder to let go of the wheel and give up control. It's harder to give up something or someone in our life that we desperately want, than to give into our emotions for temporary happiness.  It's harder to allow God to dig deep and pull things out at the roots than it is to just mow off the surface and continue on.  We can't see the end of the road, so we don't trust the Guide.

How come everything always leads back to this one thing...?

Trust.  

Maybe because the opposite of fear is trust.  And trust is something God is consistently and deliberately and intently working on teaching me to do.  He is relentless.  All the tests I've failed when it comes to trusting Him, and he still doesn't give up on me.  

I don't know why that should surprise me.  I will never, ever give up on our kids.  No matter how many struggles they go through, how many detours they take, or how far they sometimes push us away, I will be relentless at pursuing them and doing my best to point them to our Savior.  

And God loves them more, even more than their fathers and I do, and He will never, ever give up on them.  Just that thought makes me take a deep, cleansing breath as I am reminded that He truly is in control.  He can see down the paths we are on, knows all the obstacles, detours and dangers ahead, and even when we don't follow Him, He never leaves us.  

Learning to trust.  I think I've just taken another step.
  

L

Some things and why I am up blogging at 4:30am

So my new planner came in January like I said it would!!  I LOVE IT!!  It's so colorful!

...and useful!

 

and well...

I'm not using it anymore.

*Sigh*

I know, I feel like a loser about it too.  But the reason is that it weighs like 8 pounds and I wasn't expecting that when I ordered it.   Isn't it just ADORABLE, tho?!  I love everything about it because I got to design it myself and pick the cover and the pages and layout and it cost like 50 bucks, so I really REALLY tried to deal with it. I lugged it around for several weeks and tried to pretend that I was ok with the weight of it, but eventually it just got the best of me.

Ok, so it's not quite 8 lbs, but it is almost 2 lbs and that is just too much when I'm already carrying around my Chromebook, purse, lunch bag, coffee mug, water bottle, iPad and various notebooks/journals every single day wherever I go.  Something needed to go.  So I got a new, less bulky wallet and purse, and decided to leave my ginormous planner at home.  I've been using the digital calendar on my iPad instead and although I have loudly sung the praises of a paper planner, I have to say I am liking the digital calendar a bit. No, it's not paper, I will just have to get my writing and doodling outlet via another venue.  I have come to appreciate it , especially for things that repeat and I don't have to keep writing them over and over like youth group, baseball practices, voice lessons, Wednesday night mom's group...oh, and birthdays! Another thing is being able to add cute little emoji's :)  They make me happy.

Looking back on my first blog entry for this year, I realize I am making some progress on the things I wanted to focus on.  I have started attending a mom's group at our church, which I haven't done for some time.  Not consistently anyway.  We are going to a new church now, which was a difficult transition especially for me.  I am very loyal and look at church as a family.   Vince and I started feeling the tug to leave our old church a couple years ago.  I denied it for a long time because that was the church I had been part of for 16 years and YOU JUST DON'T LEAVE FAMILY!!  I raised my babies there, saw them both saved and baptized there. I made some very close friendships over the years.  It was the church where Mr. W and I were married. I learned to play piano and served on the worship team for 8 years.  I went to countless bible studies, led some women's ministry groups, had many talks and laughs and shed many tears inside those walls.  I laid things on the altar, and buried my mom, and we saw people come and go.  I didn't want to be a "leaver".  I wanted to stay, but our kids had started going to the youth group at our new church a couple years prior and they were really growing and thriving.  For a while we tried taking them to youth group on Wednesdays at the new church and attending Sunday services at the old, but after many discussions Vince and I decided last fall that having one foot in each church was leaving us not fully engaged in either.  So we made the leap.  It was hard, but it has been a blessing. Both churches are wonderful, but this is where we need to be now and we finally have a peace about it.

As far as the other goals I set at the beginning of this year, I have begun to sit at my piano again, which feels amazing.  My Canon 40D has been dusted off and resurrected and I've decided shall now be referred to as "Big Mama" 'cause, think about it.  And now here I am...writing.  I started this blog post last night when my view was this:

And now it's 4:30am and I am on my couch in my robe wide awake.  Not really doing a good job of trusting and surrendering and believing for good things.  I'm stressed.  Top on my list of things I'm stressed about: my firstborn is officially deployed.  Out of the country.  And I can't contact him.  At least not right now.  I have no idea how he is feeling, what he is doing, how he is being treated. Is he scared or homesick or in danger? Would he tell me if he was any of those things even if I could talk to him?  No, but still.  A mom knows when we hear their voice.  No matter how much they try to hide it, we know.

My mom did.  In the last moments I had with her when she could still communicate, she told me it was ok to cry.  I told her I know, and I had been crying but I was hiding it.  I'll never forget when she looked up at me from her hospital bed and said "you can't hide it from your mother".  She was right.  As much as I have said that my mom didn't understand me, she could always tell when I was sad.  And she always wanted to help. Even though her helping didn't help sometimes, deep down I knew that she cared, and that she hurt when I hurt.

But now my mom isn't here.  I can't call her, but honestly I wouldn't if I could because she would be even more worried than me.  She never knew that Nicolas was being deployed.  He found out right around the time she was in the hospital and I told him not to tell her.  She didn't need to be worried with it.  I'm not sure what we know about earthly things when we are in Heaven, but if she does know where he is, I have no doubt she is praying for him and it gives me comfort to know her prayers don't have far to travel to the throne.

Things that give me anxiety that probably don't bother normal people

I have issues with anxiety.  So, it's kind of funny how I get told, quite often actually, how calm I am.  I mean, I guess I can see it.  I don't tend to get riled up about stuff very often - not in certain situations anyway.  Like at work, I am told frequently that I have a calming effect on people.  I suppose that's a good thing since I'm a social worker.   I can't explain why, except to give God ALL the credit, but I am generally not uncomfortable in emotionally charged situations.  Someone is sad or grieving?  I'm on my way. Someone is angry, furious even?  I'm on it. Confused? Agitated? Unreasonable? Show me the way.  I will be on a mission to make things better.  I love the opportunity to diffuse, comfort, bring clarity and healing.  In every job I've ever had, the most challenging people are my favorites.

But then there's the fact that I am also crazy.  I mean, my family and some lucky friends know all about my crazy, but I am usually able to conceal it well enough from the rest of the people in my circles.  Where things are a little less transparent.  Where it's kind of a necessity to keep a lid on the crazy and maintain some assemblance of normal.  Like at work, and at church, and well, in public - it's kind of important not to FREAK THE CRAP OUT.  But there are some situations that get me rattled and anxious that probably don't bother normal people.

1.  Small talk.  We just met five seconds ago and you want to talk about something deep and personal? Well pull up a chair, my good friend, I'm all about that.  Let's get some coffee and bear our souls.  But saying "hi" and "how are you" and trying to figure out something superficial to talk about makes me all kinds of uncomfortable.  I never know how to answer the "how are you" question.  I don't like to be fake, I much prefer real and transparent.  But if I don't know you very well then I am not quite sure if you are just being polite, or if you really want to know that I'm a little crabby because I got into an argument with my husband/child/dog this morning and have a headache and a raging case of pms. Is that what you want?  Or will you look at me like "Heh, um ok. Well, nice to see you (wow, TMI much?)"

2.  Running into people I know while shopping.  Uh boy, here we are - carts approaching. Should I stop my cart to chat or will we do a drive by hello?  What if I stop and you don't want to, but feel obligated to stop because I do?  And then we will be in a full on small talk situation.  And if we do stop, how long will we talk? Am I blocking an aisle and people are getting mad at me?  GAH!  This has nothing to do with whether I like you or not.  I probably really do, and in another situation I would love to chat a while, but when I am shopping I am on a mission and I just want to get in and out of there as quick as possible and if I see you I might skip two whole aisles just to avoid the awkward grocery store greeting scenario.

3.  Sitting in back seats of cars.  This is a claustrophobia thing as well as a motion sickness thing.  If it is a large vehicle with a roomy back seat and I have the whole back seat to myself and some Dramamine in my veins, I will probably be ok.  But put me in the middle between two other people in a cramped back seat and I will go into full freak out mode.  This also applies to buses.  I just can't do it.  No way, no how.

4.  Being in a crowded room.  It doesn't even have to be like shoulder to shoulder crowded, it can be a spacious banquet room, but even then I could not sit at a table in the middle of the room.  I would have to sit in the back, or along the side where there is easy access to an exit.  This stems from my social phobia as a child.  First days of school were so stressful for me because teachers made seating charts and I didn't know where I would have to sit.  What if I had to go to the bathroom or vomit or something and I was sitting in the middle of the room and had to get up in front of everyone?  I was much better in high school when teachers started letting us pick our own seats.  I would always strategically place myself closest to the door.  I still do that to this day if I go to a workshop or church or any other type of gathering.

5.  Having to introduce myself in a meeting.  I can lead worship at my church or give a presentation at work, but when we have to "go around and introduce yourself" all the blood drains from my brain and I suddenly can't remember my name.  I have even been known to write my name down on my notepad in front of me in case when it's my turn I freeze.  Seriously.

6.  Paying at the pump.  This has to do with my (I know it's irrational) fear of getting arrested and going to jail because I did something illegal and didn't realize it.  This is not new for me, it's been a (irrational) fear of mine for my entire adult life.  I am a rule follower.  I don't even speed (ok, maybe four miles over). I wear my seatbelt, even if I'm only driving a block away.  I put my cart back.  And I don't park in the spots designated for "senior shoppers".  Ever.  So I am always a bit anxious paying at the pump with my debit card because what if my card doesn't work and I drive away without paying for my gas and an hour later a cop shows up at my house to arrest me?  Accidently shoplifting, having someone stash drugs in my car, or running over a pedestrian are also ideas that freak me out because they could land me in the slammer.   Or, I suppose, the psych ward would be a bit more realistic.

7.  Walking out of a store without buying anything.  This also stems from anxiety #6.  As I said before, when I shop I like to get in, get my stuff, and get out.  I do not enjoy leisurely pushing a cart around without a purpose anymore.  So if I happen to go into a store for one thing, and they don't have it, I will leave and I always feel like all the employees' eyes are on me walking out of the store without going through the checkout line, and as I take those first few steps out the door and onto the parking lot, part of me (the crazy part) waits to see if alarms will go off and I will be tackled by the Target security guy for shoplifting nothing.

8.  Taking the first item off the shelf.  Ok, this one sort of borders on OCD.  I don't buy the first item in the row.  I might pick it up and look at it, but if I decide to buy it I will grab the second one in line and put the first one back.  There are a couple reasons for this.  The first item was handled most by other shoppers and probably dropped.  Or wrinkled.  Or sneezed on.  If I am going to spend my money on something I want it to be in mint condition and booger free.  Also if it is a grocery store item in the refrigerator section, I have this thing that the stuff in the front row is not as cold as the stuff behind.  That probably isn't true, but it is a thing for me.  And everyone knows they put the newer stuff with the later expiration dates in the back. So I will always reach in the back for the coldest, freshest stuff.  Because I have a thing with expiration dates too.

I'm sure I could come up with more, but that is probably enough neurosis for one blog post!

Not My Blog: Turtle Edition

So I am getting ready for bed and just took a peak at Ann Voskamp's blog "A Holy Experience", and read her last entry from a couple days ago.  I swear I didn't read it before writing my last post!  Sometimes God leads me to the just right thing (book, blog post) at the just right time when I need it most. To continue to lead me through the journey of growing that He has me on. That is what this is...perfectly timed with the just right message, all wrapped up in adorable baby turtles.  God loves me so much!

A Secret to Parenting that No One Tells You:  The Strength is in the Struggle.

Sort of finishing a book, learning to let go of fear, and getting out of the way

So I just finished this book, sort of....

It's by the same author who wrote "Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs", which is one of my favorite books on marriage - as I have already blogged about.  And what I mean by "sort of" finished reading, is that I didn't actually read all the pages in the book. After about the 4th chapter I started skipping and skimming and I'm pretty sure what the author took 254 pages to write could have been adequately done in about 62 pages.  That's why I didn't finish the whole thing.  He just kept going on and on belaboring the same points...which I may or may not do myself on occasion, but this isn't about me.

As you can imagine from the title, it is a book about mothers and sons, and how respect is the key to winning their hearts.  Much like "Love and Respect" is about spouses building their relationship on the concepts of wives respecting their husbands, and husbands loving their wives because the greatest need for women is to be loved, and the greatest need for men is to be respected.  This book builds on the concept that boys...being men in the making...need to feel respected in order to feel loved.  Respecting my husband, I get that (I'm still working on it, but as a concept I get it). It's a little more complicated when it's a mother and son.  It's kind of a balance that needs to happen...how do you respect your child yet remain in a position of authority over him?  What does that look like?  The author does a great job of showing how a mom can respect her son as she corrects him, guides him, disciplines him, and all the while honoring his God-given need for respect.  And that goes beyond just our relationships with our boys.  We mom's really are teaching our sons how they can expect to be treated by their future wives.  Now there's a thought.

And here's another thought:  fear.  Much of my life has been effected by and sometimes controlled by fear, and the book addresses that too. This is an area that God has been working out in me for some time now...most intensely in the past couple of years. Probably because I am finally ready for the healing.  One of the biggest areas of fear for me has been in my parenting.  To one degree or another, I have always struggled with fear that something bad will happen to my kids.  Fear that they will make bad choices or turn from God, or drift away from me.  Fear that although my love for my kids is immeasurable, I will screw it up somehow. They will not know how loved they are and I will fail them.

Fear...the thing that has motivated me so often to hover and protect and react and control and worry...is also the very thing that causes me to stumble.  The. Very. Thing.  Fear...not the things I am afraid of...but the ACTUAL FEAR is my greatest enemy.  I recently had a light bulb moment during prayer, where God revealed to me that by holding on to fears I feel like I can control them.  But in reality, by holding onto fear it is fear that is controlling me.  Mind blow.

Here is where the book gets real for me, where the words on the page spoke so loudly to me I had to bookmark and highlight it and read it over and over.  (I really could have stopped reading the book at this point, but I pushed on for a couple dozen more pages.)

"I can say this with certainty: when fear controls a mother, she seeks to control.  In controlling her son from that which could harm him physically or hurt her emotionally, she feels less fear.  Control reduces her anxiety and insecurity."  But as the author points out a few paragraphs later, this type of overprotective and controlling mothering can result in a son feeling disrespected and pulling away from her - the very thing I fear most.  "She does not see him as the conqueror, protector, provider, authority, strong one, problem solver".  And that has an effect on a son's spirit.  By not honoring and encouraging who God designed him to be, a son pushes back.  Even rebels.

If I could recall all the times my boys have said "you don't trust me", or "just let me do it my way", or "stop treating me like a little kid"...I bet in the moment I thought I was loving them by helping and protecting and instructing.  But what they were actually receiving from this was my unintended message that they were not conquerors, not competent problem solvers...not worthy of my respect.  It is no surprise that they pull away from me and act less loving when that happens.

So now what?  How am I going to use this information from this book that I sort of read, and apply it to my relationships with our sons?  First of all I need to stop the temptation to beat myself up over not getting this sooner.  I do that to myself a lot.  But as Maya Angelou would say, now that I know better I will do better.   I will remember not to yell (yes, I admit I yell sometimes), but it is so disrespectful...to our daughters as well as our sons.  I will affirm their need to feel respected, as well as their need to be acknowledged for their accomplishments and their competence.  I will trust them more and hover less (it's a process).  I will instruct a little less, and allow them to try on their own more - and fail sometimes, even when I see it coming.  Life is sometimes the best teacher, and even better than that - the Holy Spirit is THE best teacher of all.  Sometimes I just need to shut my yapper and get out of His way.

Panic attacks, deep breathing, and my all-time favorite smell

Campfire Marshmallow.  It's my favorite smell in the world right now.  IN THE WORLD.  Seriously, I can't even tell you.  I've had the candle burning in the kitchen for most of the day and it is emanating throughout the whole house, making it smell so yummy!  I discovered this heavenly smelling candle at Pieces of The Past (my favorite store in downtown Winona) years ago and I told Vince today that if he ever wonders what to get me for Christmas or my birthday or you know, Thursday...he could get me anything "campfire marshmallow" and I will be very happy.  It's been a lazy kind of Saturday.  Well, I've been keeping myself very busy all day so lazy isn't the right word I guess, but I've been home all day with no where that I needed to go and I loved it.  My day was filled with laundry, cleaning, some Casting Crowns, kale chips (gross...although Hope loved them) and a little piano.  I am learning how to play a new song "I Will Rise" by Chris Tomlin, which is my new favorite worship song right now. 

Lord knows I need me some worship music to help me maintain what's left of my sanity.

Nick is driving now. 

Deep cleansing breath.

Yes, my baby is driving.  He has his license and his own car and his own mind and everything.  And I am having some trouble adjusting. 

It's not that I don't want him to grow up, or that I'm not excited for him or immensely proud of him.  I am all those things!  I think what's hard about this for me is the not knowing.  And the independence.  And the being out of my sight for longer than I'd like.  And the driving.  Mostly, yea it's the driving.  The driving on the roads with the other cars and the dark  and the wind and the rain and the cell phone which I have made him promise and swear and threatened him not to even think about while he's driving.

Deep cleansing breath.

I try not to worry, really I do.  Ok, no I don't.  I worry a lot.  Which, I know shows lack of faith.  But I struggle with trusting because I can pray for God to protect my children from harm, but there are no guarantees.  Bad things happen.  To Christians even.  Christians who pray.  We ask God for protection and bad things happen anyway sometimes.  That's my fear.  Like now, for instance.  Nick is at a friend's house in a small town near here with a group of other teenage drivers who have all gathered at this friend's house to "hang out".  I told him to call at 10:45 when he is supposed to leave to come home so I know exactly when my panic attack can commence and approximately how long it will last so I can prepare accordingly. Still 75 minutes away.

Deep cleansing breath.

And wine.

It's not just a fear that something bad will happen that I struggle with.  It goes deeper than that.  I am also afraid, maybe even more afraid, that if something very bad did actually happen I would be so angry and disillusioned with God that I'm not sure what effect that would have on me, and my faith.  Oh dear.  I need to give this to God.  Really, I do. 

Give it to God...yes I know.  Let go and let God...got it.  God grant me the serenity...memorized that one years ago.  Most of the things we worry about don't happen...oh shut it.  Really, I know all that.  In my head.  I'm just having trouble convincing my heart.

Today

Reminded as I read this at 5:20am how much I need to be content with where I am right now.  Right now.  Be present.  Be content.  Be thankful.  Be healthy.  Receive God's supply of manna...just for today.   Not looking backwards or forwards too far, but living in today.  Fully living in today.

I woke up - er, God woke me up as He so often does in the early morning hours because many times that is the only time that my mind is quiet enough to hear Him.  The first thing I did as I sat on the potty and decided if I was going to go back to bed or not, was to begin confessing my fears to Him.  Fears that many times I don't realize I have because I guess I am so used to it.  Fears that are sometimes just fleeting thoughts that pass quickly, and other times almost consume me...over things like our children's futures, our health, our children's spiritual health and the struggles that some of them are facing and our desire to "make it all better" and have wisdom and make the right choices in our parenting and balancing discipline and tough love and grace.  

And then I am reminded again.  

Be present.  Be content.  Be thankful.  Be healthy.  Receive God's supply of manna...just for today.   Not looking backwards or forwards too far, but living in today.  Fully living in today.  

And trust.  In Him.  Fully.  He is my portion, and my children's portion, and my husband's portion.  And yours.  

I am reading the book "Made to Crave:  Satisfying Your Deepest Desire with God, Not Food", and what I read this morning was empowering and very revealing about where I am at right now.   It talked about the Israelites and their need to learn to depend on God, how God took them on a 40 year journey (that journey by the way would have only been an 11 day journey...AN 11 DAY JOURNEY!! if they weren't detoured by their refusal to be satisfied and trust and depend on God!)  But they kept going round and round the same mountain for 40 years while they learned how to truly depend on God.  

Wow.  I don't want my journey to take that long.

"Each day the Israelites were to ask God for their portion of food.  Then God would rain down exactly what they needed for nourishment.  It was called manna...God wanted them to take only their portion for one day...It was a process intended to put them in the habit of dependence on God, and only God, each day.  We would do well to apply this same process to our struggles.  Each day God can be the perfect portion of everything we need - every longing we have, every desperate desire our souls cry out for.  God will be our portion."

As I sit here in my kitchen reading, and at the same time watching my computer's screen saver scroll through pictures of the last 6 years of our lives, I am reminded of all the prayers that God has answered in my life.  Those precious faces...who I have held in my arms as they cried over the pain of loss and frustration and despairs of life.  Who I have prayed over as they slept and cried out to God to touch them and reach them and be their portion.  Who I have seen the hand of God move in and through and continues to draw to Himself.  Even when I can't see it.  When I am blinded by my own fears and my own journey.  Even then, God is moving and protecting and working everything out for their good, and mine.  

And so I face today with hope.  With the expectation that good things will happen.  And despite the fact that I am lacking several hours of sleep, I am going to live today being present.  I will be content.  Be thankful.  Be healthy.  Receive God's supply of manna...just for today.   Not looking backwards or forwards too far, but living in today.  Fully living in today.  

"Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.  I say to myself, "the LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him."  Lamentations 3:22-24

Embracing change. Really.

"The key to change....is to let go of fear." - Rosanne Cash

I think I need to tape that quote to my refrigerator or something, because it's so good.  And so relevant for me.  I am on the cusp of a new chapter in my life...maybe even a whole new book!  Today was my last day of work for the agency where I have been employed for the last 18 years. 

Sigh. 

Did I really just type that?  I think I did.  It is something I never thought I would do, leave my job that is.  I started working there when I was only 23...my very first social work job!  I loved it from day one, and the friendships I have made (both with co-workers and with the people I have supported) have changed my life in more ways than I could have ever imagined.  For the past three years, I have been working in the children's therapy program as a therapist for children with autism spectrum disorders.  It was quite a change from the 15 years of working with adults, but a change that I welcomed and it wasn't long until I fell in love with these kids.  Every one of them.  They are amazing.  But with the new program came new expectations....namely, working later in the afternoons and sometimes into the evenings.  I wasn't getting home until 5:30 or 6:00, or sometimes later, which made it very difficult to get supper going and get the kids to all of their many activities on time.  I was frazzled, always in a rush, and always feeling like I was missing out, and that I wasn't there when my kids or my husband needed me.  I wasn't there anymore to help with homework, and I missed more of my son's basketball games this year than I care to mention.  It made my heart hurt.  The toll that this schedule was taking on our family became very evident recently, and I felt God pushing me towards a change.

Change, that I of course resisted.  At first.  I'm not one who likes change very much, and God knows this about me all too well.  He knows that if I am all curled up in my comfy little spot, there's very little short of a massive explosion (or the promise of chocolate) that will get me to move.  But God, being God and all, knows just how to prepare me, motivate me, and remove the fear that so often resides in and paralyzes me in order to get me where He wants me to go.  And perhaps most amazingly, He has the timing of things down perfectly!  About three weeks ago, I decided to update my resume and send it to two autism centers in Rochester, which is about a 45 minute drive from our home.  In my cover letter, I told them that I was looking for daytime hours, about 30-35 hours a week.  I know it's not always smart to put restrictions on your availability before you even get in the door for an interview, but I figured that is what I was willing to leave the job that I loved for, and nothing less.  So I took a chance and with a prayer, I clicked send.  Within two hours I was offered an interview from one of them....and to make a long rambling story a tad bit shorter, I'll just sum things up to say that I start my new job on Monday! 

These past two weeks have been filled with many walks down memory lane, words of appreciation, laughter, tears, and most of all....grace.  God's grace has been abundant and His hand has guided every step of this journey, as He prepares me for the new co-workers, new experiences, new families, and most importantly...the new children whose lives I will have the incredible blessing and opportunity to touch and make a difference. 

And even more profound than that, are the benefits and blessings that I am already anticipating will happen within our family.  I will be home to see them off to school (almost) every morning.  I will BE there when they get home from school....EVERY day!  I will be the one (ME!) to say "how was your day?", to help with homework, to drive them to their activities, and to sit in the stands cheering them on.  My heart is filled with so much joy and gratitude and praise that I think I will burst!!

"Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart...Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him."  Psalm 37:4-7

Fear, passion, and poptarts

I don't like being in a state of limbo.

I don't like change.

And I have a fear of regret.  Not just a passing fear, but a crippling fear of doing the wrong thing and then regretting it and beating myself up because of it and ruining everyone's life including my own.  (I tend to get a little dramatic when I'm afraid).  I don't like having to make decisions where I don't know what the outcome is going to be for sure - which is true of about 90% of decisions we make, I know, but for many decisions we at least have the illusion of knowing what the outcome is going to be and it's kind of comforting at least for a while until the bottom falls out and we realize that it was a bad bad idea and then we have regret, which is exactly what I'm afraid of.  Breath.  (I also tend to ramble when I'm stressed, which you prolly already know).

I've alluded to this "big thing" in my life that God is doing, and I'm finally ready to share what it is....and no, I'm not pregnant.

(Drum roll please)

I'm seriously considering...

making plans...

pretty much for surely going to...

(taking a deep breath here)

...quit my job of 17 years and open my own in-home daycare & preschool!

Whew.  There.  I said it.  It's happening.  I think. 

I'm tetering on the edge of this cliff, and I either need someone to push me over it or pull me back.  I'm not sure which, but one thing I do know is that I don't want to teter anymore, and I don't want me to be the one to make the decision!  I want someone else to do it because I'm having a whole gamut of emotions and thoughts from excitement to terror, and like I said I have this massive fear of regret.  I know that sounds dramatic, but I've made some pretty bad decisions before and this is a huge step for me.  Not only me, but my whole family.  It's a long term decision - not one that I can try out for a few weeks and then change my mind. 

So, I'm stressed.  And when I'm stressed I tend to do alot of things to try and deal with it, which can quite often resemble a rollercoaster ride.  Here are some of those things that I do, mixed with some things that I should do in order to deal with it and make a decision already:

Ramble alot.  (done).

Make a list of the pros and the cons.  (I've done that and the list is really "do it" heavy).

Pray.  (I'm doing that alot and welcoming anyone and everyone to join me).

Get up at 3:16am and blog about my stress while eating poptarts.  (Which is what I'm currently doing.  I'll let you know later if it helps).

Remember that God is not a God of confusion.

He's also not the God of fear. 

Pray some more.

Get Godly counsel.

Look at what my options are and spend some time imagining what each option would be like, and how it would effect my family.  (This is the step that is currently tripping me up).

Trust.  Trust that God will provide for our needs, no matter what.  (Also tripping on this one a bit, even though I know that I know that I know).

Figure out where my true passion is...what God is placing on my heart to do.  As I contemplate that, and seek to follow His leading, here is what I know for sure that I am passionate about:

1)  I want to be there for my kids....truly be there.  I want to be the one raising them, guiding them, and loving them everyday.  It's what I've wanted since before they were born, and even though they are 8 and older, I know it's not too late.

2) I love working with children and families.  I love making a difference in their lives...helping children grow, helping parents become more empowered and improve their relationships with their kids.  This is what I do in my job now....you know, the one I've had for 17 years that I am terrified and sad about leaving.

These are my true passions.  I know that for sure.  And I also know for sure that God has a plan for my life.  And when I look at how He has used the past two years...actually how He has worked in my life over the past 13 years since I was pregnant with my first born, I can clearly see how He has prepared my heart, guided my steps, and opened doors for these two passions of mine to come together to fruition. 

I think I have my answer.

I'm ready to jump.  Well, I'm close.

Oh, and the getting up at 3am eating poptarts and blogging thing?  Works for me!

I need to be committed. Seriously.

I have a plethora of things to be freaking out about right now.  So if you don't mind, I may just let them all come spewing out and clean it up later.  Or not.  Maybe it will help?  Maybe it will push me over the edge?  We'll see...

I know, I'll do a "Top 10 List".  That will help me add some humor to the mix and hopefully lower my blood pressure by pretending to think that the following things are funny instead of terrifying.

So here I go....

"Top 10 7 Reasons Why I Am Freaking Out Right Now"

1.  I crashed my car yesterday.

2.  It's going to cost over $2000 to fix, and even though I was working at the time and driving to a client's home, my employer doesn't pay for it.  Is that how it usually goes?  Maybe I'm naive, but I assumed that if you are required to use your own vehicle for work, that they would pay for any damages that happen.  I wouldn't have been on that stupid, snow covered, unmaintained gravel road in the country, sliding into a pickup truck and very nearly missing a head on collision, ending up in the ditch needing to be towed out by "LeRoy" and his skidloader, if I weren't traveling there for my job.  Hmmph. 

3.  I keep replaying the "what if's" in my mind...what if I had slid just inches more to the left and hit that truck head on?  What if I had been trapped in my vehicle, with crushed legs, waiting to be extracted by the jaws of life, all while having a claustrophobic conniption?  What if the driver of the pickup hadn't ended up in the ditch as well, and just kept driving off - leaving me stranded and completely vulnerable on this country road with no cell service - instead of going to get his neighbor "LeRoy with the skidloader" to help me?  And what if I had actually seen the movie "Deliverance"???

4.  See what I do to myself?  Thank God for Vince.  He is my voice of reason.  He's high atop his white horse, cape flowing in the wind with his sword drawn coming to my rescue as he has done a thousand times before.  Wow, do I need that right now.

5.  Even before all this happened, I was freaking out.  Vince and I have recently made the commitment to start tithing.   (Deep breath)  We have always given to our church regularly, but actually tithing - as in a full 10% of our income - we have not been consistent with that.  And I'm ashamed to admit it.  In our hearts, we believe in the principle of tithing.  The church is the voice of God in this world.  The church needs money to operate, to provide ministries to believers, to reach unbelievers, and the bible clearly says in Malachi 3 that God will bless those who tithe. 

"Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it."  Malachi 3:10

The bible also says that those who don't tithe are robbing God.  Ouch.

So why haven't we?  Fear.  Fear that if we give that much to the church, will we be able to pay our bills and our mortgage?  Will we have no money for extras and become prisoners in our home filled with bored, deprived kids?  Will we have money if the furnace breaks down?   Or if I crash my car..........HELLO!!!!!

6.  We should have expected this.  Whenever we take steps of obedience to God, we can expect opposition from the enemy of our souls, who doesn't want us to commit.  Doesn't want us to have faith, and certainly doesn't want us to step out in it.  So when we do, it makes him mad.  Is God using this situation to test our commitment to Him?  To test our faith that He really will provide for us?  Even when it looks impossible and feels scary?

7.  Probably.  I hate that.  I so much prefer to be coddled.  "Come on, God!  Can't you hold us in your arms, keep bad things far far away, and tell us what good, obedient kids we are???"  But instead, He reminds me that He is the God of the impossible.  That He is faithful.  And that He makes a way where there seems to be none. 

Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."
Matthew 19:26

 Ok, God.  It's time for us to be committed.  Seriously.  To take this big leap of faith and walk with You in this area of obedience.  Even when it looks scary and impossible.  Oh Lord, increase our faith!  And please make people pray for us!!!

"So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."  Matthew 6:31-34

Just say Jesus

The other night, Kyle was afraid. I'm sure it had nothing to do with this (cue mommy guilt...again). It was time to take his shower and he wanted me to come in the bathroom with him because he was scared to be alone. In my own defense (as if I deserve any), this has been going on long before I showed him the horrifying video, so it's not totally from that incident, although that obviously added to it. Sigh. And it's not just Kyle. Nick has fears of his own at night and hates being downstairs in his room by himself.

When my kids are afraid I have such empathy for them because I dealt with alot of fear and anxiety as a child. I remember, as the youngest in our family, having to go to bed earlier than my brother and sister, while the rest of the family was watching tv downstairs. My room was at the end of the hallway upstairs, as far away from everyone as possible. I was terrified!! Of what, I don't know. I just remember the fear that someone was behind me, or would grab me or something. The more I focused on it, the worse it got. My dad would come and tuck me into bed, sing to me, then go back downstairs. The fear would start as soon as he left the room, and when I couldn't take it anymore I mustered up the courage to run across the house to the top of the stairs, and softly call out "Daaaaaad. I'm scared." He'd come back up, reassure me that there was nothing to be scared of, and usher me back to bed. It had a mighty grip on my soul and it haunted me for years, this sense of fear.

Now, I see this same type of fear rearing it's ugly head in my boys. Maybe this is normal for alot of kids, but normal or not it robs them of their sense of security, as it did for me, and honestly it makes me angry. Angry at satan because he's the one doing it to them. He is the father of lies and that is what irrational fear is, a lie. It really is a spiritual battle. Satan knows our weaknesses and if you are prone to fear, then he uses any opportunity he can to cause fear to rise up within you and cause you to doubt yourself, and doubt God. Even when you are only 7. I am determined not to allow fear to take root in my children's hearts.

So, when Kyle comes to me saying he's afraid, the mommy in me wants to hold him and go with him and make him feel secure. And that is what I have been doing for both boys since they were born, until recently. I have been realizing that might not be the best thing for them. In the moment, it helps, but somehow I know that if I let them rely on me to make the fear go away, it won't. Not really. It will still be there, hiding and waiting for the next opportunity to attack. And when it does they will have no defense against it, and will come running to me again. And again.

So, with that in mind, I decided to wage war against the enemy. I calmed Kyle down, and explained to him why he has nothing to be afraid of, and that he needs to stand up to his fears and ask God to help him be brave. This took some time, but he finally did. So as I tucked him into bed after his shower, I could see the sense of relief on his face, and even pride that he had stood up to his fears. We talked more about what he can do when he is afraid. How he can face his fears and pray and be brave. And I explained the spiritual aspect of this in a way that I hoped he could grasp. That's when, after all the wisdom I had spent so much time conveying to him, my 7 year old said something quite profound...

"And I can say Jesus. Because when I say Jesus, whatever I'm afraid of goes away."

Well said, son.

"No one is like you, O LORD; you are great, and your name is mighty in power." Jeremiah 10:6

Where am I? And where am I going? Anyone?

I'm here! At least I think I am....My life is such a blurry of activity these days that I find it hard to know where I am at any given moment, or how I got there. ("Blurry". It's my new word for today. A combination of blur and flurry. I had to go with the combo because I am far too busy and in too much of a hurry to type both words out.) Trevor can vouch for the fact that I don't always know where I am, or where I am going. I took him to the clinic this morning before school to get a tetanus shot (no injury, just required). Afterwards he asked if we could go to McDonalds. I said sure, made my way across the highway and proceeded to pass McD's entirely. He said "where are you going? McDonalds was back there..." Chuckle. So I turned around, ordered his food at the drive-thru and then proceeded to drive right past the cashier window. I said "what is WRONG with me today? I have no idea where I'm going!" Trev said "I can tell!" More chuckling. Wow. Can you say brain clog? As much as I hate to admit it, this is nothing new for me. My boys have seen me do things like this many times so it's not exactly out of character for me to miss a turn now and again. But it takes the Howard kids by surprise (they'll get used to it). Even with all that confusion, I did manage to remember where the highschool was, make all the appropriate turns to get there, and dropped Trev off at school safely before going to work.

I don't know if this has anything to do with that, but I had a terrible dream early this morning. The kind of dream that feels real and when you wake up you are so thankful that it was just a dream. I won't go into details of what I dreamt about, but it entailed one of my boys falling into a deep hole and I couldn't reach him to get him out. I woke up and even before I opened my eyes, the first thing I did was pray for God to remove that image from my mind. To take my thoughts captive, as it says in 2 Corinthians 10:5 "... take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." I have no doubt that because I prayed that prayer, God delivered me and protected me from being tormented by that dream all day long. I have had dreams like that before, not exactly that scenario, but with a similar theme: my kids are in danger and I cannot reach them to save them. It is my worst nightmare (and probably is for most parents). Satan knows my weak areas, and my biggest one is fear. I don't know if satan has the power to give us bad dreams or not, but he certainly knows what causes me to fear, and uses any chance he can to stoke the fires of fear in my heart. He uses whatever weapons he can to cause us to stumble, to become ineffective for God, and there is nothing in my life more paralyzing than the fear of something bad happening to my kids. So I really have to be careful, and take my fears to God regularly, especially where the kids are concerned. As they get older and more independent, my ability to keep them safe seems to be fading. Kyle and Hope want to ride their bikes around and go to the park with their friends, Nick wants to play injury producing games like football, Vinny wants to stay home alone sometimes instead of coming to the store with us. They are old enough to do these things, and we let them. But I am still prone to worrying...what if they forget to look for cars just this one time? What if the house starts on fire during the hour that we are gone to the store? And Trevor has a new girlfriend at school already....which at 15 brings with it a whole plethora of things for me to worry about!

If I allow it, all of these worries and fears can accumulate in my heart and mind and become a burden that I was never meant to carry. As I have so many times before, I realized anew this morning that I need to go to God daily, every single morning, and lay my burdens at the foot of the cross. To cast all my cares upon Him. I don't want to give the impression that I am a complete mess! I'm not! Life is busy, yes, but we are doing fine - more than fine! We are blessed beyond measure, and as I take my eyes off all of our busy-ness and embrace all of the running to and fro without complaining, I see - we see - how truly blessed we are with this life that God has given us! But even in the midst of the blessing, I am still vulnerable to fear and allowing the burdens of everyday life to pile up. And it can be so easy, as I allow myself to become busy and distracted, to forget to go to the Source of my strength. To drink daily from the river of Living Water. When I try and do life on my own without God, I may keep up for a while but life always outruns me. And as I get further and further behind that's when the desperation and fear begins to build and I become overwhelmed. Distracted. And I miss the turn into McDonalds. But when I quiet my heart and listen, I can hear the voice of Jesus whisper in my ear "where are you going? I'm back here..."

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30