Fighting demons

I'm tired.

Fighting demons is exhausting, especially the ones that continue to haunt me long after I thought I had beaten them.  

It's a fight, nearly every day to keep trying.  To not let them win.  But the temptation is strong to give up and give in to unhealthy habits, and have immediate freedom from the struggle.  Whatever it is in the moment.

"Just have it, you'll feel better."

Escape.  Numb.  Give up.

"The fight is too hard, it's too hard to resist cravings and I don't have the energy."

"It won't matter anyway.  This one thing won't change anything.  Not really.  Not today.  I mean, look at me?"

"I can begin again tomorrow.  Or next week".  

Or never.

These are all things I tell myself, except they are all lies and I know it.  Even as I'm saying them, I know. 

Numbness wears off and escape finds its way back to reality.  

A reality that never seems to change.  

I can't seem to change it anyway.

God can, but He's slow about it.

And I don't appreciate that.  

When relief is what we seek, the last thing we want to do is have to wait for it.  

Change takes time and I hate that about it.

I crave the destination, but the journey isn't always pretty.  

It's kind of like riding in an airplane. 

It terrifies me.  I have lots of things in my arsenal to help me through it including meds and oils and wrist bands and snacks and music and alcohol.  "Flying Lisa" is a whole thing.  She's all about creating an alternate reality designed to numb out, escape, hide from the fear and the struggle rather than facing it.   

I don't want to live afraid.  

I don't trust God with my fear.   I tell Him I do, much like I tell others and myself.  But truth is I don't.  

Not really.

Not enough to let go of my arsenal of antidotes.  

Antidote:  a medicine taken or given to counteract a particular poison.

My poison is fear.  And it's deadly.  

It slowly kills the life I want to live, the faith I want to rely on, the truth I want to believe.  

What am I so damn afraid of?  I've been living with it my entire life, this fear, but I'm not sure I've ever really tried to figure out what it is.  What is its purpose, besides to destroy me?  Maybe that's the only purpose.  A demon's purpose is to be demonic.  To steal, kill and destroy, according to the bible.  

Maybe that's just it.  Maybe it's not more complicated than that.  

Demons have arsenals too, and their weapons are fierce and consistent.  They trip me up and snarl at me to stay down and sometimes I listen.  It feels safer to stay low rather than continue to be knocked to the ground over and over. When I"m crawling around in the dirt I don't have so far to fall.  I can sit there with my head on my knees and protect myself from inhaling the dust that gets kicked in my face.  

Except I'm not really protected.  I'm imprisoned.  

Security is not found in isolation, 

and freedom is not found in escape.    

The more I scrounge around in the dirt, the deeper the pit I inevitably dig for myself.

And a pit is not a home.

Imperfect progress and it's ok that I'm not there yet

Last night I had dinner with my friend Becky.  We sat in her newly remodeled kitchen...that she did ALL HERSELF by the way...painted the cabinets, recovered the dining room chairs, and even resurfaced the countertops HER OWN SELF.  She's that brave and creative and amazing.  

When we get together, it takes very little time for us to dive deep into what I call soul conversation...what we've been thinking about, struggling with, rejoicing over, and learning about ourselves and our faith and our relationships.  Last night was no different.  Two hours flew by in a nano second as we indulged in lo mein and egg rolls and coffee ice cream and rambled and ranted about all the things that have been making up our lives since last time we talked. 

One topic we spend quite a bit of time on (and have been for the past couple years actually) is how we are navigating this season of empty nesting and parenting young adult children who are their very own adult selves and don't want to be parented anymore.  

Sigh.

This is hard.

Harder than I thought it would be, and quite honestly I think so far I am sucking at it.

I used to think things would get easier as the kids got older, that the baby and toddler years were the most challenging and as they grew older and more independent, life would get easier.  It's so cute how I used to think that.  Nothing that I experienced through all the years of parenting, all the books I read and all the things I thought I knew...nothing prepared me for these years when they would leave the nest.  Forge out on their own, no longer wanting or needing my hovering -er, I mean guidance.  

At least when they were babies and they insisted on "me do!" I could still stand there and watch (ok, hover) to make sure they didn't harm themselves with their freedom and independence. But now, not so much.  Now it's "me do!" and "back off...farther...no, farther...keep going, Mom.  I can still see you and feel what you are thinking.  You need to let me go."  

I don’t want to hear that.  That makes my heart hurt and I want to die in my body.  I’d much prefer to hear something like “Mom, what do you think I should do” and “Let’s hang out together for four hours and eat cookie dough and make snow angels and cuddle.”  Or even “Mom, I still need you.”

But then I realize, with the help of my friend and egg rolls and lo mein and coffee ice cream...that this is part of the journey.  This is how it's supposed to be.  We raise them to not need us. 

And their lives are not about me.  

Even though I birthed (some of) them out of my own body, and we had them because we wanted babies and love and family and all the sweet, precious things that come with that forever.  And even though being a mother has been my life's focus and my highest calling for the past 23 years, I now need to swallow this very hard truth.  My kids are not here on this planet to make me feel fulfilled.  They are here to live their own lives, walk out their own journeys, and fulfill their own purposes in this world.  

I have always known this to be true in my brain.  It’s my heart that’s throwing a tantrum.  

Becky gets this.  We are walking parallel roads.  She shared advise she heard recently on how to deal with this so very strong mom desire to fix and help and teach and guide and make them wear their life jackets or better yet, come back to the shore where it's safe when the waters get choppy.  She said in those moments we have one thing to do.  Only one.  And that is to shut it.

Shut.

It.

They don’t want our advise.  Our wisdom doesn’t apply to their lives.  Not now anyway.  When they are in their 40’s they’ll feel differently, but for now they want and need to follow their own callings, make their own decisions and even their own mistakes.  It’s what I did, what we all did, but it's SOOOOOO hard when the maternal lifeguard takes over and we see the waves coming.  We want to make them see what we see, and do what we wish we woulda shoulda done when we saw those same waves coming at us when we were their ages.  When our moms tried to coax or warn us back to shore and we insisted on not.

As hard as it is, I'm learning to keep my feet planted firmly in the sand and enjoy life from the shore as they learn to sail their own boats.  I get the glorious joy and blessing of being part of their stories and sometimes riding along as a passenger and not in the driver's seat.  It's equally thrilling and terrifying, but I am learning to navigate my new role as mom of adult people. 

And I am immensely grateful to have Mr. Wonderful by my side to help keep me sane (not a small job).  He's so much farther along on this journey than I am, and he has unending  grace and patience with me while I figure this all out.  

I may not be there yet, but I'm on my way.

19 Things to focus on instead of COVID!

Wow.  Looking at my last post, just four weeks ago, it seems like forever since things were normal.

Well.

Here is how I’m handling ALL THE THINGS right now. I thought I'd share my thoughts because maybe some of this will be encouraging – and will also be here for me to remind my OWN self when I need it!

1) Communicate. Call and video chat with family and friends. Talk with your people you live with. Check in with each other. Share your frustrations, fears, worries, and stresses. Don’t keep it all to yourself. Sharing is healing.

2) Remember – this will pass. We will not be isolating and living in this uncertainty forever.

3) Do what you can…and then let it go. It’s easy to get consumed with sanitizing EVERY SINGLE THING and then looking around wondering if THIS has germs on it, or maybe THAT over there…ugh. That’s a spiral I don’t need to swirl in. So, I have made a plan for myself and my home. We sanitize:
· When we get home (hands, phones, keys, purse handles, water cups).
· When we get in our car after being out in public.
· At least once a day go through the house and get light switches, counters, handles, buttons, keyboards, and remotes.
· And then…let it go. Seriously, let go of it. Don’t allow myself to worry and obsess.

4) Help others. There are opportunities out there to help those who are unable to help themselves.  Even from our homes.  There are community groups (like the Facebook group "Winona Neighbors Helping Neighbors") who have banded together and are offering help to those who are isolated and don’t have the resources to get what they need.  As long as I am able to, I’m going to continue to help. If I get sick, I’m going to get sick helping people.

5) Sing! Sing loud and often and crazy!  80’s pop!  Hard rock! Get your country on! Or go mellow. Whatever gets your energy out or gets you to take a deep breath and relax. Music is therapy.

6) Pray! God is not surprised by this. He knows what’s going on, and how and when it will end. He has a purpose in this, and He is our only hope - not only now but always.

7) Laugh! Watch funny movies, share Facebook memes. Laughter is healing.

8) Youtube happy things - puppy and kitten videos, penguins walking down stairs, and seals. Oh my word, the seals!  Watching baby seals play make me soooo happy. Google family photo fails. I call this “Penelope Therapy” (Criminal Minds fans will know what I mean).

9) Connect – organize a group chat, a group sing, an online game, or whatever we can do to spend time together and see each other’s faces. Not sure what this will look like yet, but this weekend we are going to organize a virtual family game of Catan!

10) Turn off the dang news. I check in with the news once (ok twice) a day so I am informed, but then I make myself leave it alone. I don’t need to inundate myself with this, it only breeds fear and worry. God is bigger than all the predictions that are being thrown around. He’s teaching us to trust and rely on Him, not the government or even the medical community. I don’t need to listen to what everyone is saying, I need to listen to Him.

11) Move! I’m still working at my job for now so I’m not sitting around ALL day, but when I’m home I need to move. I haven’t been working out like I was for the past few weeks, and my body feels it. I need to go for a walk outside, do my Beachbody workouts, stretch. Again, reminding myself here :)

12) Go outside. I CRAVE fresh air (as my family will attest when I whip open all the windows and declare that we NEED SOME FRESH AIR IN HERE!) Nature is therapeutic for me. Listening to the birds, feeling the breeze and sunshine on my face, taking in a deep breath of fresh air and watching the clouds. Get me by a waterfall and forget it. I’ll sit there for hours if you let me.

13) Create. I love to write – blogging, journaling, even doodling. I also love to cook, bake, and play my (out of tune) piano.

14) Clean & organize. This is also therapeutic for me, and if you’ve been to certain areas of our house lately (eh-hem, our office and storage room) you will see that I NEED SOME THERAPY!

15) Light a yummy smelling candle. I especially love the ones that crackle. That alone reaches 3 of our 5 senses!

16) Practice mindfulness. I’m not talking about in a weird spiritual kind of way, but as a therapeutic technique. Mindfulness is simply being aware and present in the moment and focusing on what is going on in and around you (a.k.a. getting out of your head). Focus on your 5 senses…what can you see, hear, feel, taste and touch right now? Especially if you find yourself getting anxious or overwhelmed or ruminating on negative thoughts…focus on one or all of your senses and break out of that cycle in your mind that is taking you nowhere but to Anxietyville. (I have spent a lot of time there, I know it well).

17) Realize what is truly important in life. I think we are all doing this right now on a new level. Basic needs are no longer taken for granted (I’ve never been so happy to have toilet paper before). I miss being close to people (I’m a hugger), seeing people’s smile (we are all wearing masks at work), and going to coffee shops (Jesus, take the wheel).

18) Remember all of this after the crisis is over. Nearly every generation goes through some type of crisis, and we learn some valuable lessons through experiencing them that we maybe would never learn if life was always calm and good and predictable. As bad as things are (this is difficult, not gonna sugar coat it), many have lived through far worse than what we are experiencing now. The Vietnam War. The Great Depression. The Holocaust. The Macarena. Let’s keep things in perspective.

19) Lastly, and MOST importantly….TRUST God. Just trust Him. Tell Him all your worries and frustration and sadness and even anger. He knows it all anyway, and He tells us in His word that He wants us to bring all our cares to Him. He bears our burdens, heals our wounds, and guides us. He does not promise an easy life, or one free from crisis or heartache. But He promises to those who love Him that He will bring good out of EVERY situation. We have a good God who walks with us through every storm that we experience on this earth, and when our time is up He walks us into eternity with Him. That is what I hold onto.

PS, this is coming soon...

It's funny what turning 50 will do!

Half a century.  I remember teasing my dad when he turned 50 that he was "half a century old"!  I thought I was hilarious then....and now, here I am.  50.  Half a - well, you know.

I have sort of read the book "The Blue Zones" (sort of, meaning I have read alot of it and skimmed the rest).  It's about certain areas in the world where people live the longest, healthiest lives.  They have the highest concentrations of centenarians...people who live to be 100 or more.  Essentially, their secret is simple:  stay active, don't stress, don't eat too much, eat healthy (whole foods, mostly plants), slow down, know your purpose in life, have faith, spend time with your "tribe", love your family, and (my favorite) have a glass of wine!

Just kidding, that's not my favorite.

Ok, sometimes it is.

I love it.  It's so simple, isn't it?  It makes so much sense to me.  So, why then is it so hard to actually live that way?  

Now that I have crossed the bridge of being a "half century old", I am finding myself doing a life review of sorts.  That's nothing new for me, I do this every year around this time and during various changes in the seasons of my life...like empty nest, new job, new husband, new kids, new church, yoga pants.  But this turning 50 thing feels a bit more significant to me.  How have I lived my life so far...and how do I want to live the rest of it?  There is a temptation to think that I am in the "later" years of life now.  Yuck.  Society says I'm only 15 years from retirement.  That may or may not be true for me.  My mom died at 71...that's only 20 years away for me. (Swallows hard).  That's a little more unnerving.  My mom died far too young, and she got old way too early in life.  I loved her, but honestly, she lived like an elderly person for much of her life.  Even when I was a kid she was very sedentary, and limited herself more and more with each passing year.  "I'm too old for that" was a common thing to hear her say.  It was annoying and also sad to watch.

I don't want that to be my story.  I refuse to let it be.  

I heard a quote recently...aging is inevitable, but getting old is optional!  I LOVE that!  I am determined to live my best life.  I'm not there yet.  To be completely transparent, I weight twice what I should.  I have diabetes, high blood pressure and cholesterol.  They are controlled with medication for now, but I am determined to change that and hopefully get off this medication all together.  I know I can, I have the means and the ability, and now I have the motivation.  It's not too late...as long as I don't put it off any longer.  

Living my best life is not only about my physical health...but that is a big part of it.  I want to not only improve and hopefully eliminate the conditions I have, but I also want to have the energy and stamina to do things.  Like hiking in Hawaii and Colorado, climbing the trails to Garvin and Sugar Loaf.  I want to run a 5k, bike the trails around Lanesboro, and heck - walk around the big lake again.  I want to enjoy these things with my husband, our grandkids, and my girlfriends. I want my weight to no longer hinder me from living a vibrant, active life!

Will I live to be a centenarian?  Who knows...maybe I will!  But however long I have on this earth, whether that's 20, 30, 40 or even 50 more years, I want to live my best life, my healthiest life, without limits.  

Being a half century old isn't so bad after all, Dad :) 

40

I believe without a doubt that God works miracles.  He can and He does.  I know that is hard for some people to believe, but I believe it.  I think I always have.  Even so, when something happens where I actually see the undeniable evidence of what He's done in my life, it is nothing short of amazing to me!

On August 15th I posted this on Facebook:

It was the day that I started a book study with an amazing group of women that God brought together just for this study.  The book is called  "Made For This:  40 Days to Living Your Purpose".  It was the perfect time in my life for a study like this.  I had just lost my job the week before, and for many months prior to that I had been dealing with having an (almost) empty nest, changing churches (that process took a couple years actually) and turning the big 5-0 (seriously?).  Lots of transition going on and I was neck deep in my journey through the desert of redefining myself when the opportunity to study this book came along.  Man, was I ready.

My close friend Becky commented on my Facebook post, something like "wouldn't it be amazing if you got a job offer 40 days from now?"  I admit the thought had crossed my mind, but I deleted the comment because I hadn't shared with very many people that I had lost my job, and I didn't want it "out there".  

Well.

I wish now that I had left the comment there because last week, on September 24th,  I got a job offer!  I'm SOOOOOO excited!!  I can't stop thanking God for this answer to so many prayers. That evening I shared the news on our family chat in Messenger and our oldest daughter Brittany immediately asked me about the book.  She reminded me of the post I made on FB and then asked if I realized how many days there were between August 15th and that day...

Forty.  40 days.  Exactly 40 days.  

Chills.   

Undeniable evidence of God and confirmation of His promise that He has been working this out for good all along.  

I have to admit, this journey hasn't always felt good.  It was not easy for me to leave my previous job, and then when the one I left it for fell through, I was devastated.  But through it all, day after day I have been determined to believe this promise.  I have clung to it and that is SO not like me!  I mean, the "me" that I was before would have worried and stressed and asked God for help, but then doubted that things would actually work out for good.  But this time...I've learned to have hope, and faith - even before I saw any evidence of God working.  And then, not only did God come through with a great job for me, but as if He wanted to remove all doubt that might still be lurking in the corners of my brain, He tied a big fat bow on it!!

40 days.  Amazing.  

It's not just a coincidence.  40 has significant meaning in the bible, and it often symbolizes a trial period.  It rained on Noah's ark for 40 days while the earth flooded.  And Noah trusted God while the rain fell...before he ever saw dry land.  The Israelites wandered in the desert for 40 years, doubting and failing and regretting until they finally surrendered, obeyed God and believed...then came the promised land.  Jesus was tested in the desert for 40 days, the King of Heaven was hungry and tired and tempted...then came the victory.    

We're still going through the book, it's going to take more than 40 days for us to digest it all, but I can honestly say that for these past 40 days I have been seeking God more than I have in a long while.  Daily surrendering to Him.  Reminding myself to believe that He was working all things out for my good, even if I saw no evidence of anything happening.  Learning to desire His will for my life more than my own.  Realizing that if God is not in it, I will never truly succeed or be happy and fulfilled.  If I'd had my way, I would've went back to my old job and most likely stayed there forever (I'm not big on change, and when change results in a big fat belly flop, then I am REALLY not a fan.)   But if I did, if God had answered that prayer, I wouldn't have this new career opportunity that I am heading into, and probably wouldn't have done this book study either.  And just think of the blessing I would have missed...

So.  

This 40 day thing got me thinking...have there been other "40 days in the desert" experiences in my past that I have missed?  My first thought went to my time of singleness before Vince came into my life.  Without a doubt that was the longest journey I've walked in the desert.  It held some of my most painful days and lonely nights, but it was also one of my richest times of growing close to the Lord and deepening my faith.  

So, I thought I'd figure out how long was it from the time my first marriage ended until my friend Kari introduced me to Vince's blog, which (if you are familiar with our story, you know) eventually led me to him...

40 months.  Not even kidding.

I think I just heard a mic drop in Heaven.   

It always comes back to coffee, friends, and Jesus

One of the things I have missed about working in Winona was having coffee with friends after work.  Caribou and Blooming Grounds are my go-to places when I want to get comfy and talk with a good friend, or blog, or watch a bible study video (hello, Beth Moore!)  Today I got to do all three :)  

My day was going just kind of "eh", until I got a message from my friend Becky and 20 minutes later I was in my car on my way to Caribou for a couple hours.  It was nice!  Girlfriend time, bible study, and I wasn't mad about my iced caramel latte either.

It continues to be a challenge for me each day to not feel guilty about not having a job.  I have to remind myself, sometimes multiple times a day (or an hour) that God has ordained this time for me for a purpose.  He has me home right now, and my job is to seek Him.  To let go of my own feelings and self-imposed expectations, and seek His will for my life right now, each day.

Instead of focusing on his "big" will for my life (should I work or stay home?) I am asking Him to show me what He wants me to accomplish in this day.  The little, everyday opportunities that He places before me - I ask Him to help me see them and guide me through them.  How can I be a blessing today to my husband and kids, our family and friends, and even those I don't know personally?  Whenever I ask God to show me opportunities to be a blessing to others, I find my day is sprinkled with them. It's so fun!

I am learning to embrace the reality that I don't have to know what the future looks like right now.  And it's so freeing!  I know that I will know eventually, when God reveals it to me in His own way and time.  One thing I do know for sure right now...it will be good!

a new season

It's going on 3 weeks now that I have been home full time.  It feels better to say "being home" rather than "unemployed".  That sounds like something is missing but quite honestly, God has changed my thoughts on that.  I believe He is giving me this time to be home.  Where my heart has always been.

It feels so incredible to say that.  Be home.  It's something I have been praying for since I was pregnant with Nicolas...22 years ago.  I always wanted to be home with my kids but God waited until now to answer that prayer.  I don't know why it took this long, but I trust God that He knew what was best for us all along.  Maybe I wasn't ready until now?

Whatever the reason and for however long, I am learning to give myself permission to enjoy this time.  There are so many ways for me to be productive while I am home, and I'm SUPER excited about each one of them!

• First and most importantly...spend time with God.  Grow closer to him everyday through reading, studying and meditating on His Word, prayer and worship.
• Keep our finances in order and give our budget a reboot!
• Clean and organize our home, aka:  purge!  purge!  purge!  I've been posting some things for sale online to help bring in a little money, and will donate the rest (or toss it!)  I want to make our home a haven, especially for my husband.  He works hard and is on board with me staying home if I want to...which I am PRAISING GOD for!!!  He is amazing and I want him to be able to come home after working long days and relax and recharge without a stressed out, frazzled wife.  I want our home to be the place where our kids and grandkids come to relax, feel loved and a little pampered :)  I want us to have people over, have our home be warm and inviting to family and friends, and be able to focus on THEM and not stress about the condition of our house. 
• Cook!  I have time and motivation to prepare healthy, homemade meals and make eating out a special thing rather than a fall back because I'm exhausted.
• Spend time with our kids - even though they are grown, they still need me.  I love being available to go out to lunch or drop something off or meet them somewhere during the days.  They are busy and all have different schedules so being available to them is important to me. 
• Connect with other women, not only for myself but to encourage others which I believe is one of my gifts.  
• Get healthy!  I have the time to exercise now in our beautiful new exercise room, take a walk with our dog or with a friend. 
• Enjoy my life!  Get back to some of the things that bring me joy...playing piano, photography, nature. 

I'm so excited to see what God does in my life, OUR lives during this new season!  I'm not going to feel guilty about it.  I trust Him, in His leading and timing, and in all that He is going to do!

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."  John 10:10

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us..."  Ephesians 3:20

So this is what peace feels like

I really shouldn't be feeling peaceful right now.  A week ago I lost my job.  No warning, no explanation, just boom.

It was shocking, it was confusing, it was scary, and I was sad.  I felt betrayed and defeated.  I wanted them to be sorry and realize how badly they had treated me.  I wanted validation.  

I didn't get those things, and I'm glad I didn't because it would have only led to bitterness and anxiety.  Instead, I have turned to the Lord.  I am letting Him teach me how to trust Him.  Even when I don't understand, when it's not fair or right, and when I can't see the path in front of me.  I am learning that He is in control.  I have no doubt that God led me to that job, and that he brought me out of it at just the right time.  I don't know what His purpose was, or what everyone there truly thinks of me, but what I do know is that God had a purpose for my time there and what everyone thinks is not my concern.  He will deal with them and I can let it go and leave it in God's hands to do as He wishes.

That brings peace. 

I have been trusting Him to open doors and close others, so when that happens who am I to question it?  I'll admit, the first couple of hours I was questioning what God was doing.  Did He bring me there just to fail?  Was I mistaken to have left my previous job and take this one?  If it was His will, why did it end so soon, and so badly?  Was it my fault?  

Then as I turned to Him in prayer, He reassured me that He has had a plan all along.  His purposes are for my good, and He will reveal His plan for me in His own timing. 

And that brings peace. 

I am learning to rely on God's manna each day.  I only need to be concerned with each day as I live it.  I can't look too far into the future and wonder or worry, and I can't keep ruminating on the past.  Neither does any good at all.

While I don't know all the why's, I do know that it was 6 weeks of mental and physical exhaustion and I'm glad to be free of it.  I haven't felt this much peace in a while...and I have a feeling this is only the beginning.

Praise workouts and the way it's (not) supposed to be

So I started working out.  Every morning for the past week (not including the weekend because that's just crazy talk) I have set my alarm for 5:45am, which is 1/2 hour earlier than I used to, and I have been actually getting out of bed and starting my workout by 6am.

Not to be all braggy, but this is a big deal for me!  I have not stuck to a workout plan for, oh I don't know, several decades so I'm kinda happy with myself for sticking to this one for a whole week.  And I am enjoying it so much that I don't see me stopping anytime soon...hopefully never.  

Before you are too impressed, I'm not talking about a high energy, aerobic sweatfest.  I'm doing a very low impact stretching and toning routine that I like to call "not-yoga".  It's similar to yoga I suppose, but without the spiritual stuff because this girl don't do that.  (Except for goat yoga.  That is actually an actual thing!  I might have to try that sometime because, baby goats!).  

I've been doing a variation of my not-yoga routine since high school, and I literally noticed the benefits on the very first day.  I have more energy and feel more relaxed all day long.  And it's more than just a workout...I made a playlist of worship songs that lasts for almost exactly 30 minutes (so I don't have to keep checking the clock) and I am using that time for praise or prayer, or both.  What I, for years didn't think I could do (make time to work out OR get up earlier than I had to) has now become the best part of my day.  I look forward to getting up and don't keep hitting the snooze (also, putting my alarm clock a little farther away helps with that little habit).  

And...I feel closer to God, and that is the absolute best.

So after my praise workout - yes!  I'm going to call it my praise workout now!!  So much better than not-yoga :)  After my praise workout I resist the urge to flop on my bed and waste time on facebook, and I put on a podcast instead.  I had been listening to Joyce Meyer's podcast for the past several months while getting ready for work, but a couple weeks ago I started listening to the Proverbs 31 podcast.  It is nothing short of life changing for me.  I'm in the middle of the "Therapy and Theology" series, which is a great follow up to the bible study I just finished on Lysa Terkeurst's book "It's Not Supposed To Be This Way".  

Also life changing.

I seriously needed that book, and this podcast, at this exact time of my life.  Both have helped me on so many levels and I know I am going to be camping on them for some time to come.  And by camping, I mean re-reading the book and things I've hi-lighted in it, going over my study notes, and listening to the podcasts over and possibly over again.  I need repetition to truly learn something.  Some people can hear things once and get it.  I tend to need to go over things two or ten times before I truly retain it and am able to apply the concepts to my life.  

And if I'm going to be totally transparent, there are multiple areas of my life right now that I could say, and some days scream...IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY!!!

1)  I'm SUPPOSED to have a house full of kids, and as I've already talked about here and here, I'm having some adjustment issues with our two babies graduating this year and the idea of an empty nest looming in our not-so-distant future.  Not only that (which is enough) but my male cherub is giving me an aneurysm with his lackadaisical attitude toward school...in this, the home stretch of his senior year.  

"I've got this, Mom", he says.  "Everything's fiiiine, Mother", he says.  

Meanwhile, I'm thinking he should be rounding third and running full bore for home plate, when in reality he is farting around somewhere near 2nd base...kicking the dirt and staring at his glove like he did in t-ball which was adorable back then.  Now, not so much.  

2)  Mr. Wonderful and I are SUPPOSED to have all the kinks worked out in our marriage, particularly in our parenting styles, but to be honest we have walked through some stuff.  Especially over the last five years. Hello counselor, my old friend....I've come to talk with you again...

3)  I'm SUPPOSED to be turning 40, not 50.  I'm not feeling 50.  It sounds old...at least older than I feel.  Maybe that's a good thing?  That I don't feel as old as I actually am?  I guess I don't mind it THAT much, I'm not hung up on age.  But it does feel weird.

4)  As we are approaching the end of our season of "raising children", I am doing a life review of sorts and there are some things that I wish we would have done.  And others I wish we would have done differently.  But one that I'm hung up on right now is that we were SUPPOSED to have taken more vacations as a family.  We wanted to, but as life moved along we never seemed to have the money or the time.  It was easier to pack up and go when the kids were pre-teens, before they had jobs and extra curriculars to keep us tied to home.  

Our kids haven't been deprived, and neither have Vince and I.  I know that.  We have all been on vacations, in various combinations of kids and parents, but we never took a real family vacation ALL together during their growing up years.  Which are now coming to an end.

Sigh.

We are however planning a real deal family vacation for this summer!  We are going to Okoboji, staying by a lake and doing lots of water fun and mini-golfing and game playing and relaxing.  And just being together.  

As I sit here typing that out, I realize that I need to just slap myself - and remember that it's not too late.  It will never be too late.  We will ALWAYS be a family and there will be countless opportunities in the years to come to make even more memories together.  I need to let go of the memories that we didn't make, remember the ones that we did, and look forward to the ones we have yet to make in the future.

And THAT's the way it's SUPPOSED to be :)

Hiding and going home

I don't want to go home.

I mean, I really like our home.  Love it, actually.  And the people in it.  I love them too.  And the dog.  Most of the time, the dog.  

But right now I'm hiding here...

Coffee shop hiding is one of my favorite things to do when I don't want to go home.  It's not that I don't want to be there per se, or be around my people.  I just sometimes need to be somewhere where I can relax without distractions.  Where I don't feel pulled toward the dishes or the vacuum or the laundry or the people.  Or the dog.  I can just be, and think my thoughts.  And drink my coffee.

Things are changing.  And I'm not always a big fan of change.

I've been trying to deny it, or avoid it, but the truth is in the next six months we might very well have an empty nest.  Our season of raising children and being a family all in the same house is coming to an end.  

There.  I said it.  

And I'm having kind of a hard time dealing with it. 

For almost half my life I have been a wife and mother.  It has defined who I am, probably too much so at times but I couldn't help it.  Being a mom has been the greatest joy of my life.  Our house has always been full of kids and toys and noise and stuff and love and messes and stresses and tears and fun.  And sarcasm.  We can't forget the sarcasm.   I'll admit, there have been times, many times, when it has been too much.  That thing about "God won't give you more than you can handle" - yea, that ain't true.  He does.  He did with me.  Six kids - six loud and opinionated and stubborn and challenging and wonderfully amazing kids, in between the joy and the hugs and the laughter have sometimes been more than I could handle. I used to yearn for quiet and would sometimes lock myself in the bathroom or flop myself on my bed just to get a moment of it.  Slowly, as each of our kids have launched, the house has gotten a little bit quieter.  Now it's the quietest it's ever been and it feels...strange.  

Vince and I have done things backwards from most couples.  We've been together almost 12 years and we've never been alone.  We started out with kids...lots of them...ranging in age from 5-17.  We've been just a tad bit busy and it's never been just us.  It's our turn now, and I'm really happy about that part of all this!  Vince and I have a lot to look forward to together and are working on our bucket list :)  But the other part of me, the mom part, is a little bit sad.  Sometimes a lot sad and I'm not sure how to feel about that.  Or what to do with those feelings that I can't really even define yet.  

Kyle and Hope, our babies, are graduating soon and making plans for their futures.  They are getting ready to launch, but truth be told I'm not ready to let them go.  I'm excited for them, I am!  But also terrified.  The past couple years have been hard, for them and for us.  Probably the hardest of all our parenting years and we have been so consumed with getting them through, that I haven't been able to really process and accept that they are actually moving on into adulthood soon.  I think that's why it is taking me by surprise.  

And taking my breath away.  

And causing me to hide in coffee shops.

But then this guy shows up...

...and makes it all better.  He reminds me that we are in this together.  And we will get through the hard days and the hard feelings and the hard things just like we have always done.  With faith and hope and love.  He makes me not want to sit here alone anymore.  

He makes me want to go home.

My feelings that I can't talk about yet

I'm so cool with this.  No big deal, it's just part of life.  I'm very proud and maybe "just a little melancholy" about my firstborn moving out of our home and on his own.  It's not like I'm having a total mental implosion or anything.  No drama here...I'm soooooooo serene.  

Except for the feelings.  I can't even with my feelings.  Can't deal.  I'm kind of numb about it.  I've put all my feelings in a room and closed the door.  Bye-bye.  Not there.  Don't want to see or hear or feel them right now.

I mean, this is what we hope will happen...the way it's supposed to go, right?  We raise our kids to grow up and become adults and move out of the house.  It happens to every kid in every family.  This is what's normal and expected and all moms go through this.  I'm supposed to be excited for him and looking forward to this new "chapter in his life".  So why do I feel such a sense of loss?  An emptiness that I can't even talk about yet.

Maybe it's because of all this I already wrote about last August when he went off to basic training.   I should remind myself that things could be a lot worse.  Of course they could, I'm not crazy.  This isn't a tragedy and maybe it will do me good to remind myself of this and shift my focus off my feelings (that I can't talk about yet).  My son is happy.  He is excited about his "freaking awesome" new place and wants us to come over tomorrow to see it!  He's responsible and hard working and pursuing his dreams and I really am very, very proud of him.  He acts tough sometimes, but he cares deeply about his people and experiences and memories.  And, he's a believer, bless God! That has always been my greatest prayer for our kids...nothing else matters as much.

So, why can't I focus on this instead of all that?  "That", being all the ways that I imagine I have let him down and wasn't enough over the past 18 years.  Sigh.  Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm a horrible mom and I'm not looking for praise.  I've been a pretty good mom I think, but I am also my own worst critic.  I feel responsible for everyone in our family and all their things and all their happiness.  Oh sure, I know it's not realistic to think that my husband and kids will be happy all the time, and not every disappointment is my fault.  I know this.  But underneath all the choices and circumstances of life there is this undercurrent flowing that tells me that it all depends on me. And if things don't go well with any or all of us, well - it is ultimately because I failed somehow.

All of our kids have gone through profound loss at young ages.  Much of it was beyond our control and although I do not necessarily feel responsible for their pain, I have always felt I need to be the one to make it all better.  I hold myself to nearly impossible standards as a mother.  I need to have an abundance of unconditional and unfailing love, and all the right words of wisdom, and be always patient and kind, and be the example of Jesus in their lives - enough that they will want to follow him.  Whoa.  I just realized something.  I have been trying to be their savior. Since the day they were born and/or came into my life.  It's been far too much for me, and all too often I have given up under the weight of it.  At least momentarily.  No wonder I default to feeling like a failure when things aren't going the way I'd like.  A mother is not, nor is she ever intended to be the savior for her family.

I don't think I'm alone in this.  Other moms struggle with this too, especially neurotic ones like me. When our kids struggle with self esteem, responsibility, faith, anxiety...deep down we blame ourselves because we must have done something.  Or not done something.  Even though my mind knows that is not always the case, I have a harder time convincing my heart.  Because that's where all the feelings are.  The ones I can't talk about yet.  They trip me up every time, because they are tightly intertwined with the impossible standards I have set for myself as a mom.

And how does all this relate to my son moving out on his own?  Have I gone off on a long and winding bunny trail of emotion without really knowing where I was headed, kind of like my driving? Well, give me a sec...oh yea.  It's because as the door to his future has flung open wide and he has sprinted out of the gate, I am left behind watching him go and wondering if I did it right. Was I enough?  Was I the mom he needed, and am I still going to be the mom he wants in his life?  I am reminded now, by God no doubt, that motherhood does not end when they fly from the nest.  It changes, but it does not end.  I will continue to pray for his well-being, for his faith, his friends, his safety, and his future wife.  I will call and text him and bring him food and stop over unannounced even though I have been given strict orders not to.  Just as I always have, I will continue to be mom.  I won't be perfect, and I will mess up....and I will trust Jesus to fill in the gaps, as only our Savior can.

Four Words

God surprises me sometimes.  Waking up this morning, I laid in my bed and began to pray.  For some reason, I didn't start with the usual "oh, dear Lord please help me through this day..." and then proceed to list off all the things that I anticipate would be challenging to me today (sometimes including just getting out of bed - ugh).  No, today I had grabbed my Nook a few minutes before and went to Jen Hatmaker's blog.  I discovered her blog a few days ago when a friend linked to it on Facebook, and I have been stalking her ever since.  She has become my new BFF because she is hysterical.  HY-STER-I-CAL!!  Like, snort and cry and pee-your-pants hilarious.  If you need a laugh, go.  Just go.  I promise it will be worth it.  She's a Christian mom, a writer and speaker, and is part of an organization called "If", which is focused on mentoring women and equipping them to fulfill the call God has placed on their lives.  She is passionate about women, about helping the needy, about making a difference and it got me to thinking...I want to be passionate.  I want to make a difference.  But how?  How can I find the time in my busy life when I can't even seem to find the time to go for a walk or blog or keep up with our laundry or vacuum my bedroom or...breathe? 

So.  I prayed.  I asked God to make me passionate.  Show me what to focus on, because I am trying to focus on so many things that it makes my head spin.  Literally.  I just needed Him to boil it down to the now, the relevant, the very things that He wants ME to focus on in my life.  And This is what He told me...

Four words.  That's it.  As He began giving me the words I grabbed a notebook and the closest thing available to write with which happened to be a big fat sharpie marker, and I started writing because I have learned that when God starts talking to me I need to pay attention.  He gave me the four words one by one and as I wrote each one down He gave me the next. 

And then He stopped. 

Oh, I tried to keep going and add to the list things like faith, cleanliness (of course, He wants me to have a cleaner house, right?) and health and...with each one He said "NO! I want you to focus on those four things.  That's it.  Those four."  Of course the other things are important too, but for now this is to be my focus. 

Ok, Lord, I hear you.

Be grateful...for the blessings that He has given me, including but not limited to my wonderful husband, our awesome kids and grandson, our home, our jobs, our friends, our families.

Be content...oh, how this has challenged me lately.  I am going to be ok with working full time and knowing that is where God wants me right now.  I am going to make the most of the time I do have with my family, and make it count.  I am not going to stress about the dust or the clutter or the smudges on the windows, or the walls I want to paint...but I will be content and grateful and focused on the things that matter more.

Show mercy...I will be less critical, and more compassionate when my kids mess up...because I mess up too and I am blessed when those I mess up with are merciful to me. 

Love...oh, how I love my children.  If you only knew the love I have for you.  Each of you.  It just overwhelms me sometimes.  And I am afraid that I don't show it enough.  Or in the right ways. But I try and I am learning everyday how to show my love more.  I wonder sometimes what you will remember when you are older...what will you say I focused on?  I pray that it's not "mom focused on the house being cleaner."  Or "mom focused on what we did wrong."  Oh, how that would break my heart.  Because that is not where my heart is.  At all.  Yes, I tend to obsess on those things at times, but honestly it has more to do with me and allowing myself to get stressed out than it does about you or what I expect from you.  Each one of you is precious to me, and important, and deeply loved.  I want more than anything for you to know that. 

Ok, back to my time with God this morning, and how He surprised me...

He went on to tell me to "Get involved as a family in the lives of others.  Be other-centered and keep your focus on Me.  Jesus.  I am your Savior...now let Me be LORD!" 

Whoa. 

I got me some chee-alls, y'all.  And a southern accent apparently.  And the chills got stronger when I went to church and heard our pastor give an awesome, powerful message about loving our neighbors.  Not isolating ourselves like we so often do - driving into our garages and shutting the door behind us without ever interacting with those who live near us - and essentially building spiritual walls between ourselves and others, keeping them out.  I could go on and on about this, but the point is that we need to get outside of ourselves and invest in the lives of others.  Truly invest.  When it doesn't benefit us at all.  When we reach out and go out of our way to be kind and helpful and servants just for the sake of being like Jesus.  Nothing more. 

And nothing less. 

This is how you make a new beginning...ask God to give you a passion for the purposes He has put on your life...and be open and ready for the passion to ignite a flame in your soul.  A flame that might turn into a WILDFIRE...you never know!!

Oh, and by the way, in case you were wondering, you still have to keep your rooms clean :)

2013 Resolutions, More or Less

Here we are, starting a new year.  I am super excited for 2013 for a number of reasons.  First, and probably most importantly, I love to write 3's.  So I have that to look forward to all year long.  Yes!

I have a feeling that this is going to be a year of change for me..not necessarily outwardly, but inwardly.  God is going to continue to mold and shape me and I know this because that is what I seek.  We get in life what we go after, and in order to go after something we have to first have a vision.  Change...that is what I see for myself, and will be trusting Him to do it.  So, here are my resolutions, more or less...

More God and less worldly things.
More trust and less worry.
More peace and less trying to figure everything out.
More health and less weight.
More contentment and less wanting.
More time with my husband and kids, and less distractions.
More time with extended family and friends, and less excuses.
Suddenly the word "less" looks really weird.
More relaxation and less busy busy.
More saving and less spending.
More fun and less discouragement.
More spontaneity and less having to plan everything.
More listening and less wanting my way.
More Jesus and less me.

Here's to a new year!!!

A declaration of sorts...

Ok, it's time for a change.  A change on the blog, which will hopefully be reflective of the changes going on in me.

I have been struggling for sometime about whether or not I should even have a blog anymore (gasp!).  I like it, and at times I love it (goodness knows I love me a good ramble), but to be honest it can be a time sucker. A priority mixer-upper.  And an easy way to enjoy focusing on myself...me...what I think, what I feel, what I want.  I can get lost writing, and also reading lots of other people's blogs about what they think, what they feel, what they want.  Blah blah blah.  And before I know it I have spent an hour or three of what could have been special time with someone, staring at a screen.

God has been teaching me tons about my priorities, not just having them right (which I believe I do) but if I truly value something as a priority in my life, then what I do with my time needs to reflect that.  It just doesn't make sense for me to be crying out to God for more time with my children and my husband (which I have been doing since before Nick was born), and then wasting some of the time I do have with them on insignificant things.  I don't mean to say that doing things like writing or reading or anything else that we enjoy is insignificant..it's a necessary part of a healthy, balanced life.  But what I am learning is that I need to be "on purpose" about how I choose to spend my time.

So.

I am reading this book "52 Things Kids Need From a Mom", and in it one of the suggestions the author gives is to write a family blog.  A place for a mom to write her heart to her family.  Yep.  That's something I can do on purpose!  Since I already have a blog, rather than creating a new one I can transform this one into a "living scrapbook" of sorts, a book of letters that they can read anytime, anywhere, forever.  Things that I want them to know and remember, and even comment on if they want to.  So, thus the reason for the blog change.  I will be writing more often, and alot of my writing will be to my kids rather than to an audience, or even to myself.  I don't mind at all if my bloggy friends read and comment and share what you think right along with our family (in fact, I love that!) And I of course couldn't stop rambling and occasionally ranting if my life depended on it.

So, if I am going to continue do this blog thing, it's going to mean something.  It's going to be something that I can give to my family, not something that takes away from them.  

Hey kids, let's go!  Let's see where this new adventure in staying connected and sharing our lives takes us :)

Embracing change. Really.

"The key to change....is to let go of fear." - Rosanne Cash

I think I need to tape that quote to my refrigerator or something, because it's so good.  And so relevant for me.  I am on the cusp of a new chapter in my life...maybe even a whole new book!  Today was my last day of work for the agency where I have been employed for the last 18 years. 

Sigh. 

Did I really just type that?  I think I did.  It is something I never thought I would do, leave my job that is.  I started working there when I was only 23...my very first social work job!  I loved it from day one, and the friendships I have made (both with co-workers and with the people I have supported) have changed my life in more ways than I could have ever imagined.  For the past three years, I have been working in the children's therapy program as a therapist for children with autism spectrum disorders.  It was quite a change from the 15 years of working with adults, but a change that I welcomed and it wasn't long until I fell in love with these kids.  Every one of them.  They are amazing.  But with the new program came new expectations....namely, working later in the afternoons and sometimes into the evenings.  I wasn't getting home until 5:30 or 6:00, or sometimes later, which made it very difficult to get supper going and get the kids to all of their many activities on time.  I was frazzled, always in a rush, and always feeling like I was missing out, and that I wasn't there when my kids or my husband needed me.  I wasn't there anymore to help with homework, and I missed more of my son's basketball games this year than I care to mention.  It made my heart hurt.  The toll that this schedule was taking on our family became very evident recently, and I felt God pushing me towards a change.

Change, that I of course resisted.  At first.  I'm not one who likes change very much, and God knows this about me all too well.  He knows that if I am all curled up in my comfy little spot, there's very little short of a massive explosion (or the promise of chocolate) that will get me to move.  But God, being God and all, knows just how to prepare me, motivate me, and remove the fear that so often resides in and paralyzes me in order to get me where He wants me to go.  And perhaps most amazingly, He has the timing of things down perfectly!  About three weeks ago, I decided to update my resume and send it to two autism centers in Rochester, which is about a 45 minute drive from our home.  In my cover letter, I told them that I was looking for daytime hours, about 30-35 hours a week.  I know it's not always smart to put restrictions on your availability before you even get in the door for an interview, but I figured that is what I was willing to leave the job that I loved for, and nothing less.  So I took a chance and with a prayer, I clicked send.  Within two hours I was offered an interview from one of them....and to make a long rambling story a tad bit shorter, I'll just sum things up to say that I start my new job on Monday! 

These past two weeks have been filled with many walks down memory lane, words of appreciation, laughter, tears, and most of all....grace.  God's grace has been abundant and His hand has guided every step of this journey, as He prepares me for the new co-workers, new experiences, new families, and most importantly...the new children whose lives I will have the incredible blessing and opportunity to touch and make a difference. 

And even more profound than that, are the benefits and blessings that I am already anticipating will happen within our family.  I will be home to see them off to school (almost) every morning.  I will BE there when they get home from school....EVERY day!  I will be the one (ME!) to say "how was your day?", to help with homework, to drive them to their activities, and to sit in the stands cheering them on.  My heart is filled with so much joy and gratitude and praise that I think I will burst!!

"Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart...Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him."  Psalm 37:4-7

Covet much?

It just makes me sick.  Sick I tell you.  So much so that I could totally throw up right now.  Except for the fact that it would require me to get out of bed, and I am enjoying my Saturday morning "I'm not getting out of bed yet because there is nothing going on that I need to hurry up and run around  like a crazy person to rush myself and/or the children out the door for" experience.  Vince is already up and gone.  He has a ministry head meeting today at church, which hopefully they will bring their bodies to as well because having a meeting with just a bunch of heads might be awkward.  What if someone has to go to the bathroom?

It's SO fun inside my head sometimes.

Anyway, back to the thing that is making me sick.  I am enjoying reading my favorite blogs this morning, propped up in bed with the windows behind me open to a most gorgeous Minnesota day!  We don't get them that often, so we have to enjoy them when we can.  There are about 6 days a year, maybe 7 if we are really lucky, where it's not too hot or too cold or too humid or too windy or too buggy or too icey to enjoy the outdoors, and today appears to be one of them, so yay!!  I'm happy already.  We will be outside all day today at our summer home...the baseball field just around the corner from our house.  Nick and Kyle basically live there all summer and consequently so do I.  Between practices and games and tournaments, we are there 5-7 days a week from May - August.  I'll be working the consession stand for a couple hours today during the boys' tournament, which I actually love doing because of all the social...I get to talk to everyone coming up for hotdogs and nachos and hopefully some walking tacos cause those are all kinds of awesome!  I'll be sitting around with the other parents, talking and laughing and cheering our boys on, while our children run amuck and I'm getting my pink freezy fix.

Squirrel.

The thing that is making me sick is not what you think.  I have no idea what you are thinking really, but I'm pretty sure it's not that.  It's actually a good thing.  It's a blog that I love to read and am inspired by...a perfect family.  And when I say perfect, I do mean perfect.  They are drop dead gorgeous, every one of them.  The mom, the dad, and every one of their 7 children look like models.  Seriously.  They live in the country and are always doing special, unique and creative things together as the mom photographs all these moments with her Canon 40D.  Sigh.  The kids are always smiling and the mom frequently talks about how well all of her children get along, as evidenced by the pictures of the older siblings helping and holding and loving on the younger ones.  Boys with arms around eachother.  Children looking adoringly at their mother.  Her last post was about how she makes her children's clothes.  Makes them, as in with a sewing machine and fabric and everything.  They are not rich, they don't even have central air or even watch tv.  And the best part of their lives?  Their faith, and humility, and gratitude.  It's genuine, which is what attracts me to their blog in the first place. 

I know what you are thinking.  This time I really do, because I'm thinking the same thing...no family is perfect.  And I shouldn't be coveting what others have, I should focus instead on the blessings that God has poured out on us, on my own family, and stop comparing. 

I do do that (do do?)  Really, I do.  I know how blessed we are - Vince and I - to have found eachother and created a life together after going through the losses of our former spouses and surviving the fracturing of our families.  We are living our second chance, and our children are reaping the benefits of that as well.  It doesn't always feel like a blessing though, especially when the kids are battling their own demons...trying to get along, trying to find their place in this new family as they learn how to reconcile "what was" with "what is".   Trying to love their stepparents while remaining loyal to their "real" ones.  It's not easy for any of us and sometimes I fall back into the trap of wanting the perfect family.  Where the kids are happy all the time, they feel loved all the time, they never feel the need to be jealous of eachother and I never feel like I'm failing them. 

So this other blog with their picture perfect life doesn't really make me sick.  It makes me sad.  Because that is what I have always wanted since I was a little girl.  It's what I tried desperately to create in my first marriage, but failed.  And it's what Vince and I have been trying to create with our blending family, one that sometimes feels like we are living in a blender set on "pulverize" and someone forgot to put on the lid. 

But God, through all the challenges, is teaching me to go beyond learning how to accept change, which He has been working so hard with me on for so long.  Now He's taking me a step further and teaching me to accept reality.  The reality that no one and no family is perfect, and I need to stop comparing my blessings with others', or what I perceive them to be.  God is doing a new thing in all of us, and two years into it I have to remember it still really is a very new thing.

God does not want perfection, He desires progress.  I heard that recently, and it makes me take a big deep breath of relief.  I'm not a perfectionist in every area of my life, but I am quite hard on myself when it comes to my family.  I desperately want to do things right.  I have alot of guilt over putting my kids through a divorce, even though it was not my choice.  I see what it has done to them and try as I do, I can't heal their wounds.  I also have alot of guilt over Vince's kids moving to a new community and leaving their friends behind and the pain that has caused them. 

Yet, I see in all of this the hands of God working.  Sometimes - often times - He does His best work in our suffering.  When ties are broken and we experience loss, He can bring healing that could not be experienced any other way.  And He can create new things as He gently helps us let go of the old.  I need to let go of my expectations of a perfect family, and recognize anew all of the many blessings and miracles that He has done and continues to do in our family.  With all of our imperfections and stumbling, we are walking this new path together...each step becoming more sure than the last as we climb the mountains and walk the valleys.  We are learning to link arms and support eachother along the way.  We are learning to fix our eyes on Jesus, our Guide.  And I am learning that beauty does not come from homemade clothes and pictures on a blog.  It comes from looking at our lives through our own lenses, not someone else's, and seeing beauty. 

Because it is here.

Hello, my name is Lisa and my favorite color is brown

I am learning to embrace change.  It's not easy for me, but finally at age 40 I am realizing that it's necessary. 

When you are learning something new, and you start to see how much it is opening up your world and revolutionizing your life, do you spend time wishing that you had learned it oh, say 20 years ago???  I do.  But, part of the beauty of embracing change for me is realizing that it's ok to learn something new and move forward without regret or berating myself for not learning it sooner.  That time was not wasted...all those years that I feared change and resisted it.  God was busy teaching me different things then.  Now, I am ready to learn this lesson...to embrace change rather than fear it.

I am a creature of comfort.  I crave sameness and predictability, it gives me a sense of security.  I'm not just talking about big things like being married to the same man for the rest of my life, working for the same agency for 17 years and counting, and not wanting to move out of our home...ever.  Even in the little things of life, I find what I like, where I am comfortable and what I enjoy...and I stick with it.  I have my favorite restaurants and I usually order the same thing nearly every time.  Even at HuHot, the mongolian grill that I am absolutely in all kinds of love with.  The whole idea of that place is to try things new and different, but I have my favorite recipe written down and keep it in my purse so that I can make the same meal every time I go there.  Some may find that boring, my husband for one.  But he's not judgemental about it.  He's perfectly happy that I order the same meal every time we go somewhere, even though he happens to be the exact opposite.  He goes for things different and unique.  And that's fine with me too, I get to live adventurously by stealing a bite off his plate!

I'm not just like this with food.  I like to do things the same way in other areas too.  For instance, I still say that my favorite color is green, because it always has been...when actually for some time now I have been all about brown.  Can you change your favorite color?  It almost feels like a betrayal.  Forgive me, my beloved Green, I still love you but it's time that you step aside and take second place in my heart and my wardrobe.

And (this is really significant) until recently, I have always dried my hair upside down.  This goes way back to my college days when I had the "big hair" going on. (I really miss big hair.  I had a rockin' spiral perm too).  However it really hasn't been working for me to dry my hair that way anymore.  Until recently that is what I've been doing...just because that's how I do it.  And I've had the bad hair days to prove it.

Yes, I realize that sounds pathetic.  Because it is.  But it's all part of my process of learning that change is ok.  Little everyday changes, and big life altering ones too.  I can do things in a different way, or like something new, or even consider a new career...just because I want to.  Or I can.  I've been too afraid to do these things before.  Especially without alot of thought.  I've always thought that change has to be a process in order for it to be real.  And if the thought of change is scary, then maybe it's not what God wants me to do?  After all, God feels safe, right?  Well, God doesn't motivate by fear, and I'm now realizing that real and lasting change doesn't have to be a process.  Sometimes it is, but it can also happen in an instant.  One decision.  One encounter with God.  One word from a believing friend.  One thought planted in your mind by the Holy Spirit can change the course of the rest of your life.  Today.

Sometimes it will still feel scary.  It's ok.  Do it anyway.  That's the definition of courage....do it scared.

Don't worry, I'm not going to get all crazy.  I will still carry around in my purse my recipe for my favorite meal at HuHot, the same one I make every time we go because I know I'll love it.  And I will continue to hang on to my hair scrunci's and my diffuser, just in case.  Whoever decided that big hair wasn't in style anymore anyway?  You make me sad.

Some great movies, new most perfectest purse awesomeness, and what I'm hoping to get for my birthday

I was just a little bit stressed last night.  I'm not going to go into it because I have adopted a new philosophy on my life which does not allow me to whine about it.  We'll see how long that lasts...Instead, I did what every respectable (and desperately hormonal) woman does when she is stressed...I shopped.  I hit Target hard, and didn't even once feel the urge to put something back on the shelf to avoid the inevitable buyers remorse that usually hits me somewhere between the candle aisle and the checkouts and causes me to walk all the way across the store and put something back that I spent 7-9 minutes pondering over and have now decided not to purchase. (Big breath).  Nope, not this time.  This time, I walked out of there proud with a new purse (which meets my high standards for the most perfectest purse ever, and may even be perfecter if that is possible).

Also got  three new t-shirts, and a little planner for my purse which is now large enough to hold one.  Now I can carry my life with me and there is a slightly higher chance that I will have a clue about what is going on each day.  Awesome!

I'm still trying to decide if I want a Kindle or not.  It would be a big change for me, and we all know how I handle change (I'm getting better - kind of).  I love books - holding them in my hands, underlining and writing in the margins - and I might miss that.  But on the flip side, it's really appealing to me because I could carry a Kindle with me (in my new purse even) and could read whenever and wherever I am...you know, because I spend tons of free time at coffee shops and sitting on beaches wishing I had brought something to read.  I'm usually reading 1-3 books at a time, and who wants to carry all those around?  Another cool thing about it is that books for it are really cheap (the devise is not, but the books are mostly under $10).  And the coolest part for me is that you can turn it to audio and it will read to you - which is the feature that really intrigued me because I spend so much time in my car for work.  And getting ready in the morning.  And waiting at the dentist office and such.  I'd have all my books with me, all the time...oh joy! 

Vince and I finally watched an awesome movie last night that we have been wanting to see for ages..."Shutter Island".  SO good!  If you can overlook some colorful comments and words and a few unpleasant scenes (I hide behind my fingers during potentially disturbing parts in movies) it really was an excellent movie with a great plot, and the cinematography was fantastic.  I am not one for scary or gory movies at all, but I do love psychological thrillers that keep you guessing, but (and this is the important part) make sense in the end.  I hate movies that are confusing all the way through, and still leave you confused in the end.  They anger me.  Just ask Mr. Wonderful about the time he made me watch "The Game".  I didn't talk to him for like 1/2 hour after that.

We took the kids to see "Toy Story 3" on Saturday and (singing) LOVED IT!  Yes, I am a huge Toy Story fan, and yes, I cried!