I've been busy

and my brain can only spew out short phrases right now, so here goes a summary of my life over the last six months...

heart attack #3  

surgery for my bionic husband

intermittent fasting for the win

walking in sunshine is therapy

losing weight, feeling great

grad school, it's really happening

dream coming true

destination wedding...my baby boy got married!

we danced <3  

so many special moments

and forever memories

remembering how to study and take notes and write papers

loving it, killing it

I'm going to be a psychotherapist (whaaaat?)

buried my mom and stepdad...didn't realize how much that would mean to have her here by me again

started watching Modern Family :) 

hired someone to clean our house

got to see my sissy…twice!

she gave me the ultimate most awesomest purse evah!  game over :)

started using a big planner because it fits in my most awesomest purse…game changer

booked a trip to hawaii!  

mr. wonderful is taking me to maui :) 

the end

Fighting demons

I'm tired.

Fighting demons is exhausting, especially the ones that continue to haunt me long after I thought I had beaten them.  

It's a fight, nearly every day to keep trying.  To not let them win.  But the temptation is strong to give up and give in to unhealthy habits, and have immediate freedom from the struggle.  Whatever it is in the moment.

"Just have it, you'll feel better."

Escape.  Numb.  Give up.

"The fight is too hard, it's too hard to resist cravings and I don't have the energy."

"It won't matter anyway.  This one thing won't change anything.  Not really.  Not today.  I mean, look at me?"

"I can begin again tomorrow.  Or next week".  

Or never.

These are all things I tell myself, except they are all lies and I know it.  Even as I'm saying them, I know. 

Numbness wears off and escape finds its way back to reality.  

A reality that never seems to change.  

I can't seem to change it anyway.

God can, but He's slow about it.

And I don't appreciate that.  

When relief is what we seek, the last thing we want to do is have to wait for it.  

Change takes time and I hate that about it.

I crave the destination, but the journey isn't always pretty.  

It's kind of like riding in an airplane. 

It terrifies me.  I have lots of things in my arsenal to help me through it including meds and oils and wrist bands and snacks and music and alcohol.  "Flying Lisa" is a whole thing.  She's all about creating an alternate reality designed to numb out, escape, hide from the fear and the struggle rather than facing it.   

I don't want to live afraid.  

I don't trust God with my fear.   I tell Him I do, much like I tell others and myself.  But truth is I don't.  

Not really.

Not enough to let go of my arsenal of antidotes.  

Antidote:  a medicine taken or given to counteract a particular poison.

My poison is fear.  And it's deadly.  

It slowly kills the life I want to live, the faith I want to rely on, the truth I want to believe.  

What am I so damn afraid of?  I've been living with it my entire life, this fear, but I'm not sure I've ever really tried to figure out what it is.  What is its purpose, besides to destroy me?  Maybe that's the only purpose.  A demon's purpose is to be demonic.  To steal, kill and destroy, according to the bible.  

Maybe that's just it.  Maybe it's not more complicated than that.  

Demons have arsenals too, and their weapons are fierce and consistent.  They trip me up and snarl at me to stay down and sometimes I listen.  It feels safer to stay low rather than continue to be knocked to the ground over and over. When I"m crawling around in the dirt I don't have so far to fall.  I can sit there with my head on my knees and protect myself from inhaling the dust that gets kicked in my face.  

Except I'm not really protected.  I'm imprisoned.  

Security is not found in isolation, 

and freedom is not found in escape.    

The more I scrounge around in the dirt, the deeper the pit I inevitably dig for myself.

And a pit is not a home.

Because It Does

With everything that's been going on you'd think I'd be writing more.  One thing I've learned about myself...when I'm a little stressed I talk a lot.  When I'm super stressed...

I get quiet.  I shut down.  At least for a time.

But after a while I need to start opening up, or else all the thoughts and feelings and anxiety starts revealing itself in not so happy ways.  

Panic attacks.

Insomnia.

Feeling like something is squeezing my chest and making it difficult to breathe.

Tired all the time.

Overwhelmed.

I'm learning that it's possible to feel all these things and yet still trust God.  I used to berate myself when I got anxious or overwhelmed - thinking it was a sign of a lack of faith.  The more I get to know God, I realize that He wants me to bring these emotions to Him, not try to erase them or hide them from Him, or from others, and even from myself.  

I've spent a significant amount of my life pretending that everything was ok.  Even in the worst of circumstances, I can convince others and even myself that I'm fine.  And I even believe it sometimes.  I numb out with a variety of things (food has always been my favorite) that shield me from experiencing the thing, maybe not completely but at least not so intensely.   

I think in a crisis that defense mechanism can be useful and helpful to get through it.  But there comes a time when the numbing out isn't healthy anymore and I have to peel away some layers and deal with them.  

I'm there.

For someone who has lived a lifetime with an intense fear of something going wrong at any moment, the rug being pulled out from under my feet, or getting blind-sided by something unexpected and painful and terrifying...having your husband almost die from a "widow maker" heart attack can threaten to reclaim all the ground you have gained in prayer and therapy.

Here's where I'm tempted to get all "BUT GOD!" and tell of how He has given me amazing peace and unwavering faith and how He's carried me through and I've come out stronger on the other side of this.  

That would sound pretty impressive and spiritual and I'd probably hear a lot of amens.  But I'd be pretending again.  At least partly.  

The truth is, God has given me peace.  And He's also let me experience being terrified.  Maybe so I'd cling to Him harder.  And maybe so I learn on a deeper level to trust Him to be with me and give me what I need in the moment, no matter what happens.  

Even if the worst happens.

God has given me strength to be there for my husband when he has needed me most.  And God has also let me experience feeling weak and overwhelmed and scared.  

Maybe so I'd cling to Him harder.  

As if my life depended on Him.

Because it does.  

Latte's, working out, and why I shouldn't be blogging

I shouldn't be blogging, it's 8:45pm and time for me to go to bed.  But it's also Wednesday and I am committed to doing a weekly update so here goes.  

This week has been a bit empowering.  I got an espresso maker and I am officially obsessed with it.  The reason I got it was because I love latte's, latte's are expensive, and there is a Starbucks in the clinic where I work.  IN the clinic.  Where I work.  A STARBUCKS!!!  

Instead of buying a latte as an occasional treat, I was getting one nearly everyday because THERE IS A STARBUCKS IN THE BUILDING WHERE I WORK.  And I've been working there for nearly four months, so you do the math.  

So now I'm the proud owner of my very own espresso maker, which I have to say is one of the best purchases I've ever made.  It's not only economical (should pay for itself in a month or two), but much healthier than the coffee I used to make with tons of artificial creamer.  Just espresso, soy milk and stevia...boom!  And they are heavenly.

I have also started working out in the mornings.  

At 5:15am.  

Yes, you read that correctly.  

I am getting up at 5:15 in the actual AM, working out, doing my devotions, and then getting ready for work.  It's been amazing!  I'm doing "Beach Body" workouts, "Barre Blend" to be exact.  It's a combination of barre ballet, pilates, yoga, and interval cardio training.  I'm pretty clunky about it so far, but in the spirit of my new commitment to being ok with not being perfect, I'm embracing it and considering it a success.

So that's it.  Short and sweet so I can get to bed relatively on time to get my 8 1/2 hours of sleep in (probably only 8 tonight...but again, ok with not being perfect).  

Oh yea...some examples of me winning this week with food:

Eat. Move. Rest. Pray.

It's been a week of learning for me,  a lot of praying, and a little crying (mostly because of This is Us....my gosh I haven't cried so much over a TV show since Parenthood).

On Thursday, I met my friend Shannon at Caribou!  We've been friends for years, but it's been many moons since we have actually gotten together.  Whenever we would run into each other somewhere we would always say "let's get coffee!".  And so...we finally did and it was so great :)

We spent a couple hours sipping coffees, catching up on each other's lives, and sharing our health journeys.  Without telling too much of her story (it's hers to tell and she's more than happy to share it!) I will say that she has made some incredible changes to her health and has inspired me in a big way!  God has a way of making things happen at the just right time, and getting together with Shannon was definitely a God thing :)  

So, I was pretty excited about my "Half-Brained Healthy Life Plan" last week when I wrote about it.  To be honest, I thought it would be relatively easy.  I drink water all day long, I love vegetables, we have an awesome new workout room, and I had already made changes to my sleep habits for several months now.  Going to bed by 9-9:30pm and setting my alarm for 6am has been working great for me...until the last week or so.  Our dog Macey has been whining at night and despite trying many things (moving her kennel closer to our room, fluffing up her bed, giving her treats, putting on a fan for white noise) we can't figure out HOW TO MAKE IT STOP.  

We don't get it. She has slept in her kennel most nights of her life.  She loves her kennel...seriously, she does.  It's her den.  She usually goes back there on her own before we even go to bed and has never had a problem, until she was sick a couple weekends ago.  She's better now, but still wakes up at night and thus wakes US up with her whining.  Ugh.  It's almost like having a newborn again.

So...I've been tired. And when I'm tired, life is hard.  And when life is hard, I want to eat. And when I'm tired I don't want to work out.  Kinda like if you give a mouse a....dang it, now I want cookies.

I have made some good choices this past week though...let's focus on those, shall we?  

I've been bringing this snack to work everyday.  The picture makes it look huge, but I promise it's a normal sized apple.

And this has become our favorite evening snack.

Salmon patty and peas for my lunch on Sunday....one of my fav's!

Journaling the other morning, I had an epiphany.  My devotional reading was about (another God thing) cravings.  We were made to crave closeness with God, but too often we try to fill that craving with other things.  Things that never truly satisfy.  Food has been my biggest craving all my life.  And as soon as I try to limit what I eat, the cravings go crazy and in that regard, this week has been no different than any other time I have tried to get healthy.

Except this time I prayed for God to show me what to do.  I asked Him to show me how to live, and eat, and move, and rest.  And as I wrote out that prayer in my journal, there it was in my own hand writing...my answer.

Eat. Move. Rest. Pray.

Simple.  Sustainable.  Not always easy, but I can do hard things.  

I CAN DO HARD THINGS.  

My Half-Brained Healthy Life Plan

I have a plan.  I'm calling it my half-brained healthy life plan and here it is:

1. Exercise 1/2 hour every day.
2. Drink 1/2 gallon water every day.
3. Half my food is fruit and veggies.
4. Get 8 1/2 hours sleep every night.
5. Run a half-marathon.
6. Baa haa haa...yea, right! Maybe a 5K, tho?

So, that's the plan.  Simple.

I've had this idea for years.  Up until now it's just been an idea, but now that I'm officially half a century old I figure it's about time to actually do it.  Commit.  Lay down my excuses, my doubts, my apathy.

It's time.

I've tried other things through the years to get healthier...books, pills, supplements, gym memberships, low-fat, low-carb, counting steps, counting calories.  Nothing has worked for me.  Not really.  Not because those strategies don't work, but because I didn't.  They were all either too complicated, too restrictive, or too something I wasn't willing to stick with.

I need something simple and practical, a plan I can live with for the rest of my life...and I think this one isn't half bad!

Ba-dum-bum!

That's all for now.  I plan on doing weekly updates on Wednesdays, starting today.

There, I said it.

Things I know...for now anyway

It's late and I can't sleep.

We still have our Christmas stuff up.

I'm ok with that.  I am still enjoying it all,

for now anyway.

We are getting a blizzard this weekend.

I'm ok with that too.  I like winter,

for now anyway.

Will & Grace is the funniest sitcom ever,

because...Sean Hayes.

The old show, I mean.

Not the new ones.  I haven't watched them.

Too political.

This Is Us completely wrecked me last night.

I mean, Randall...

standing in his living room staring at the guy who broke into his house

while his wife and girls are asleep upstairs...

I almost peed my pants and I can't believe I have to wait a week to find out what happens.

GAH!

Know what's better than coffee?

Espresso.

I'm tired, but still can't sleep.

Sometimes things from the past still haunt me

and cause me anxiety

and keep me awake,

for now anyway.

God will come through and this will not last forever.

I'll get through it

and let it go

again.

And I will get tired 

and fall asleep

soon.  

And stop writing like Shel Silverstein

for now anyway.

Praise workouts and the way it's (not) supposed to be

So I started working out.  Every morning for the past week (not including the weekend because that's just crazy talk) I have set my alarm for 5:45am, which is 1/2 hour earlier than I used to, and I have been actually getting out of bed and starting my workout by 6am.

Not to be all braggy, but this is a big deal for me!  I have not stuck to a workout plan for, oh I don't know, several decades so I'm kinda happy with myself for sticking to this one for a whole week.  And I am enjoying it so much that I don't see me stopping anytime soon...hopefully never.  

Before you are too impressed, I'm not talking about a high energy, aerobic sweatfest.  I'm doing a very low impact stretching and toning routine that I like to call "not-yoga".  It's similar to yoga I suppose, but without the spiritual stuff because this girl don't do that.  (Except for goat yoga.  That is actually an actual thing!  I might have to try that sometime because, baby goats!).  

I've been doing a variation of my not-yoga routine since high school, and I literally noticed the benefits on the very first day.  I have more energy and feel more relaxed all day long.  And it's more than just a workout...I made a playlist of worship songs that lasts for almost exactly 30 minutes (so I don't have to keep checking the clock) and I am using that time for praise or prayer, or both.  What I, for years didn't think I could do (make time to work out OR get up earlier than I had to) has now become the best part of my day.  I look forward to getting up and don't keep hitting the snooze (also, putting my alarm clock a little farther away helps with that little habit).  

And...I feel closer to God, and that is the absolute best.

So after my praise workout - yes!  I'm going to call it my praise workout now!!  So much better than not-yoga :)  After my praise workout I resist the urge to flop on my bed and waste time on facebook, and I put on a podcast instead.  I had been listening to Joyce Meyer's podcast for the past several months while getting ready for work, but a couple weeks ago I started listening to the Proverbs 31 podcast.  It is nothing short of life changing for me.  I'm in the middle of the "Therapy and Theology" series, which is a great follow up to the bible study I just finished on Lysa Terkeurst's book "It's Not Supposed To Be This Way".  

Also life changing.

I seriously needed that book, and this podcast, at this exact time of my life.  Both have helped me on so many levels and I know I am going to be camping on them for some time to come.  And by camping, I mean re-reading the book and things I've hi-lighted in it, going over my study notes, and listening to the podcasts over and possibly over again.  I need repetition to truly learn something.  Some people can hear things once and get it.  I tend to need to go over things two or ten times before I truly retain it and am able to apply the concepts to my life.  

And if I'm going to be totally transparent, there are multiple areas of my life right now that I could say, and some days scream...IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY!!!

1)  I'm SUPPOSED to have a house full of kids, and as I've already talked about here and here, I'm having some adjustment issues with our two babies graduating this year and the idea of an empty nest looming in our not-so-distant future.  Not only that (which is enough) but my male cherub is giving me an aneurysm with his lackadaisical attitude toward school...in this, the home stretch of his senior year.  

"I've got this, Mom", he says.  "Everything's fiiiine, Mother", he says.  

Meanwhile, I'm thinking he should be rounding third and running full bore for home plate, when in reality he is farting around somewhere near 2nd base...kicking the dirt and staring at his glove like he did in t-ball which was adorable back then.  Now, not so much.  

2)  Mr. Wonderful and I are SUPPOSED to have all the kinks worked out in our marriage, particularly in our parenting styles, but to be honest we have walked through some stuff.  Especially over the last five years. Hello counselor, my old friend....I've come to talk with you again...

3)  I'm SUPPOSED to be turning 40, not 50.  I'm not feeling 50.  It sounds old...at least older than I feel.  Maybe that's a good thing?  That I don't feel as old as I actually am?  I guess I don't mind it THAT much, I'm not hung up on age.  But it does feel weird.

4)  As we are approaching the end of our season of "raising children", I am doing a life review of sorts and there are some things that I wish we would have done.  And others I wish we would have done differently.  But one that I'm hung up on right now is that we were SUPPOSED to have taken more vacations as a family.  We wanted to, but as life moved along we never seemed to have the money or the time.  It was easier to pack up and go when the kids were pre-teens, before they had jobs and extra curriculars to keep us tied to home.  

Our kids haven't been deprived, and neither have Vince and I.  I know that.  We have all been on vacations, in various combinations of kids and parents, but we never took a real family vacation ALL together during their growing up years.  Which are now coming to an end.

Sigh.

We are however planning a real deal family vacation for this summer!  We are going to Okoboji, staying by a lake and doing lots of water fun and mini-golfing and game playing and relaxing.  And just being together.  

As I sit here typing that out, I realize that I need to just slap myself - and remember that it's not too late.  It will never be too late.  We will ALWAYS be a family and there will be countless opportunities in the years to come to make even more memories together.  I need to let go of the memories that we didn't make, remember the ones that we did, and look forward to the ones we have yet to make in the future.

And THAT's the way it's SUPPOSED to be :)

Empty Wells

Sometimes I surprise myself.  That can be a good thing, but this time I'm surprised at how long it can take me to learn something that I already know.  

We have a note on our refrigerator.  I made it myself and we've had it on our frig, in one form or another, for years now.

It is the five most important things that I (we) need to do everyday.  Five things to be healthy and live well. Five things. Everyday.

Simple, right?

And yet as simple as it is, it so often eludes me.  All too often I allow myself to get distracted from these five simple things and when I do that for very long I inevitably start to feel overwhelmed and empty.  Thirsty. And that's when I start looking for water in empty wells.

Empty wells like my iPad, my phone, my computer, TV, food...things that I think will fill the void that I feel in the moment.  But they never do.  Not really. 

But the thing is, I know where the water is!  I KNOW.  Jesus sat at a well that must have looked similar to this one.  He sat there and explained to the woman who came there for water, that He was the source of Living Water, the water that we all thirst for...

John 4:13-14

13 Jesus answered her, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again. 14 But whoever drinks the water that I give him will never be thirsty again. But the water that I give him will become in him a spring of water [satisfying his thirst for God] welling up [continually flowing, bubbling within him] to eternal life.”

I know this.  So why do I keep going to empty wells?  WHY? They distract me for a time, and then they leave me wanting for more.  They don't satisfy. Not for long anyway. They only make me thirstier. 

So, about a week ago I decided to listen to the sign on my frig, specifically, the last one on the list. "Rest". I hadn't been sleeping well for some time which led me to feeling exhausted, which led me to feeling unmotivated, which led me to staying up too late and reaching for something to fill my water bucket.  So, I decided to do two things...go to bed by 10pm, every night, and no technology after going to bed or in the mornings before work.  (Except to play Pandora or read the bible or my book on my Nook app.)  No Facebook, no Fox News, no Wikipedia, no Google. 

No empty wells.

And guess what....I have been sleeping SO much better!  I've been less anxious, better rested.  More present.  I'm not rushing so much in the mornings and usually have time to pack my lunch before work (#3). I'm more focused on praying while I get ready in the mornings instead of checking Facebook (#1), I'm reading my bible before bed (#2), and doing my "not-yoga"  more regularly (#4).

Wow.  I didn't realize until I typed that all out that just making that one change has affected all the other things!  Now, to just keep this going.  That's why it's on my frig, to remind me everyday (because goodness knows that I'm in the frig everyday!)  

I got some confirmation from my son about this recently too.  His phone was damaged several weeks ago, and even though we have insurance on it he was close enough to qualify for an upgrade, which was actually cheaper than paying the insurance deductible and replace his current phone (thanks, rip-off cell phone insurance people).  Anyway, he decided he wanted to wait for the new iPhone 7 Plus which is on back order until November (which he will be paying for 100% himself, btw).  As we were driving the other day, he told me that he has actually felt happier being without his phone.  He is more relaxed, and I have noticed him spending more time with us, talking face to face. 

Imagine that?!  I'm almost glad that he wrecked his phone!  (Almost.)

So...listening to Pandora this morning and this song came on.  It was just what I needed to hear today.

I'm tired and some good ideas

I need a do over.  Not a major do over like I have made the wrong choices in life and now I'm going to go all Thelma and Louise.  No, I've just been feeling like in certain areas of my life I'm stuck in a rut, spinning my wheels...

I SO don't want to be that girl that lives my life hearing all the good advice and reading all the books and going through one bible study after another and having all the big ideas and making all the plans.......but never truly making any real, lasting changes.  Consuming but never digesting.  Taking things in, but not applying them to my life.

What in the world am I talking about?

Top on my list is, and has been for a couple decades now...I want to be healthy.  Truly healthy.  Physically. Spiritually.  Financially.  I want to have an organized house that is clean and well maintained.  We aren't hoarders or anything, and our house isn't in complete disarray.  But it could use some help.  I want our home to be warm and inviting and comfortable.  One that I feel good about having people over without notice.  It doesn't have to be perfect, and likely never will be, that's ok with me. I just want it to be the place where our family can't wait to be.  A place that is "come on in" ready so if someone stops by I don't feel embarrassed about the walls that need painting, the windows that need cleaning, and the carpets that need shampooing (replacing, really). Basically I want our home to feel like a coffee shop.  Warm atmosphere, good smells, music...a place where we can relax without all the distractions of things undone.  (And I suppose without all the strangers on their laptops drinking coffee, that would be weird.) (People making mochas for me whenever I wanted, that would be ok).

I know it's totally do-able.  We can do all the things it would take to create our oasis.  We know how to paint and clean and update fixtures and such, and contrary to (my) popular belief, we can make the time. So, what's stopping us?  Well that's where the other areas come into play.  Specifically, my health.  To be brutally honest,  I don't have the energy.  I'm tired.  And I'm tired of being tired.  We've been eating out too much for some time now, so in an effort to be healthier and also in a better place financially, I've been cooking at home more.  It's been great and I've made some yummy new things (don't you just love those "Tasty" videos on Facebook?  I've made a few of those recipes so far and they have all been awesome!).  But it comes at a price...for the past few nights of my home-cooking adventures I have stopped at the grocery store after work for essential ingredients, gone home and got to cooking (with a glass of wine in hand) and really enjoyed the process!  Garlic and onion saute'd in olive oil and butter smells like heaven.  But by the time we ate and cleaned up it was literally 8pm.  And after a poor night's sleep the night before, which has unfortunately become a regular thing for me lately, I have no more energy to do anything around the house.  Combined with running into town, or waiting in town to pick up the kids from their highschooly things, we get to bed too late most nights and by the time the weekend hits, we just want to relax, or get away, or both.

So.

I need a plan.  I know that the first step to accomplish any goal is to make a plan.

Well, the thing is I have made the plans.  I have read the books and the blogs, and coveted friends and Pinterest strangers who seem to have it together better than I do.  And I have repeated my mantra that "every choice, every step, every bite, every hour and every dollar counts".  I have believed this and committed myself to living this way...over and over...and then before I know it I find myself in my recliner scrolling through Facebook and eating Ben &  Jerry's out of the carton.

I find myself there...as if I didn't put myself there.

It's all about choices.  I know this.  But I think if I just wasn't so tired I would make better choices.  So that is where I need to start I guess...make myself not so tired.  Which brings me back to my health.  It seems to always come back to my health.

Funny that.

So.

I think my plan needs to include doing some prep work on the weekends so that my weeks aren't so overwhelming and exhausting.  Ding! Ding! Ding!  Ok.

Good idea #1.  Get grocery shopping done on the weekends and plan (healthy) meals ahead of time so I'm not stopping at the grocery store after work. (Or just saying "screw it" and getting takeout).

Good idea #2.  Make myself start getting ready for bed by 9pm.  I always sleep better if I get to bed earlier.

Good idea #3.  Exercise.  That seems to be the tough thing to work into my days.  Partly because my days are so packed with other things, and also because I don't want to.  But I need to get over myself and make the time.  And do my "Not-Yoga" routine in the evenings (it's like Yoga, but not Yoga because I don't do Yoga), and also walking the dog and doing my elliptical at least a few times a week.  I can do these things.

Good idea #4.  Be consistent in taking my Plexus supplements...a post for another day, but this I have discovered is HUGE in improving and maintaining my health and energy.  (But I have to cooperate with the healthy eating and exercise and rest, it's not a magic pill).  (Wouldn't it be nice if there was a magic pill?) (Sigh).

Good idea #5.  Hire someone to do some cleaning and painting in our house.  Seriously.  I'll have to talk to Vince about that one.

Good idea #6.  Pray about all of this and rely on God's help, every day.  Because I can't do this on my own.

There.

That, kids, is how I make a plan!  Which, as I have already said, I have done many times before...but the thing about making plans is that you apparently have to DO the plans in order for them to work.

Plans are funny that way.

I'll let you know how this one goes.  Prayers welcome.

I am just trying to get through the days without having a stroke

This is what I wrote in my journal on June 5th, the beginning of summer...

"I am just trying to get through each day without having a stroke...that's my goal, to not stroke out.  Maybe I have set the bar a bit too low, but at least it's somewhat achievable!  I go through this every summer - the end of the school year means another summer where my kids are home alone all day & I'm missing countless opportunities to be with them...having the fun, nurturing, guiding, protecting, supervising, laughing, talking, cleaning, shopping, cooking healthy meals, all the things I desire in my heart to do with and for them.  Instead, they are on their own eating hot pockets & frozen pizza and fighting & leaving the house whenever and going wherever with whoever...and I'm not there.  I'm so sad, worried, frustrated at why God has said 'no' to my years of praying (to be home).  God, help me.  This is worse than the other years because it might be the last year Nick and Vinny are home - and I've missed it."

Well, here we are approaching the end of the summer.  Some things have changed and I've learned quite a bit.  About myself and my kids and my husband and our God...

First of all, I didn't have a stroke.  That's a good thing.

Secondly, my kids are much more capable of managing themselves than I had given them credit for.  Yea, I know there were probably fights, but this summer I didn't get one single call (yet) by someone saying/yelling/crying because they were being picked on/ignored/infuriated by a sibling.  Progress?  I think so.  The kids are maturing and I'm so proud of them!  And me...I'm learning to let go a bit.  Just a bit.  Little bits at a time.  Is it possible to hold onto your kids too tightly?  If so, I've probably been guilty of that.  It's good for them to work out their disagreements themselves, without one of the parents swooping in and administering justice - which is sometimes necessary, but in the long run they don't learn how to work things out themselves and experience the consequences of not.  Hopefully through those experiences, they learn compassion and compromise and selflessness...and how to live with someone that you CAN'T STAND RIGHT NOW!!!  Not that I would know anything about that.

And then there's the food.  With our new juicing adventure, we are eliminating most processed food from the house.  So that means no more mac & cheese, frozen pizzas, and hot pockets. Oh the horror.  Either the kids will learn to make "real food" for lunch, or they will starve.  Or I suppose they will mooch food off their friends, or spend their spending money buying junk at the Cenex.  All of which I'm sure have been occurring. Our hope is that the "real food" concept will win out most of the time.  So far they have been gagging at our juices, but my kale, cuke, apple, carrot juice today is pretty delish!

I think I'll go enjoy it on our deck and chat with our kids and our dog and my husband and possibly journal some more.

Our summer in review, a new adventure, and why I shouldn't be blogging

Why is it that my kids can ignore me for hours, but as soon as I want to talk on the phone or go to bed, it's "Mom!  Mom!  Mom!  Mom!  Mom!"?  One would think that when kids become teenagers this phenomenon would end, but one would be wrong.  I was able to make the escape tonight, shoving my bedroom door closed as my youngest narrowly escaped getting his nose caught in the door.  I want to be available to my kids and all, but it's after 11:30 and we both work in the morning. 

Which is exactly why I shouldn't be blogging. 

Sleeping would be a better idea, but for some reason I'm not that tired.  I had a nap on the couch for an hour or so this evening, and slept in 'til 9 this morning, so I'm good.  Besides that, Vince and I have so much more energy now with our new adventure:  juicing!  We started two weeks ago and the results have been amazing!  I have lost 6 lbs and Mr. Wonderful has lost 13!  Jerk.  SO not fair.  I'm so happy for him us!

It all started because of this documentary, and it has changed our lives.  We watched it a few weeks ago, and even though we have talked about losing weight and made some feeble attempts at it over the years, this time something clicked...we are ready to make a change to improve our health and live the life we are meant to live.  It's only been two weeks, but what we have learned so far has been mind blowing!  Probably the most profound thing for me has been losing the cravings.  It happened within the first couple days, I literally don't think about food until I am feeling hungry.  I look at food differently now...as a source of nutrition instead of a way to escape stress.  We are having a juice and an egg for breakfast and another for lunch, and supper is lean protein with vegies and a salad.  We have so much more energy - I even played tennis yesterday afternoon!  I have had no headaches, and Vince's joint pain is gone.  We don't get sluggish or reach for the caffeine to get us through the days.  It's been nothing short of amazing so far and we are motivated to keep going.

So here we are 2/3 through another summer and my mind has not caught up with that fact.  Given the time and my need to both blog and sleep, here are some sentences about what I have learned so far this summer:

Having two boys in baseball significantly impacts our schedules and our ability to cook meals at home, but it's also super fun to hang out with the other parents and watch our boys rock it!

Nats are very annoying.

I have vacuumed approximately 47 lbs. of baseball sand from our house and vehicles.

Having a girl who loves to perform also significantly impacts our schedules and our ability to cook meals at home, but it's also super awesome to watch her do what she loves, and do it so well!

Flowers are beautiful!

Purchasing a ton of flowers and planting them in pots on our decks, and admiring their beauty everyday is very rewarding and relaxing.

If you don't keep up with the watering, they will die and you will end up throwing them out 2/3 of the way through the summer.  Again. 

Sigh.

Cooking with fresh herbs grown on your deck is delicious and super fun!

Your herbs will survive because your husband cares more about them than you do about the flowers, and thus they will get watered enough.

Having two boys entering their last year of highschool in a month is cause enough to COMPLETELY FREAK ME OUT!!! 

Oh dear, I need to go to sleep before I get myself all worked up.

Today

Reminded as I read this at 5:20am how much I need to be content with where I am right now.  Right now.  Be present.  Be content.  Be thankful.  Be healthy.  Receive God's supply of manna...just for today.   Not looking backwards or forwards too far, but living in today.  Fully living in today.

I woke up - er, God woke me up as He so often does in the early morning hours because many times that is the only time that my mind is quiet enough to hear Him.  The first thing I did as I sat on the potty and decided if I was going to go back to bed or not, was to begin confessing my fears to Him.  Fears that many times I don't realize I have because I guess I am so used to it.  Fears that are sometimes just fleeting thoughts that pass quickly, and other times almost consume me...over things like our children's futures, our health, our children's spiritual health and the struggles that some of them are facing and our desire to "make it all better" and have wisdom and make the right choices in our parenting and balancing discipline and tough love and grace.  

And then I am reminded again.  

Be present.  Be content.  Be thankful.  Be healthy.  Receive God's supply of manna...just for today.   Not looking backwards or forwards too far, but living in today.  Fully living in today.  

And trust.  In Him.  Fully.  He is my portion, and my children's portion, and my husband's portion.  And yours.  

I am reading the book "Made to Crave:  Satisfying Your Deepest Desire with God, Not Food", and what I read this morning was empowering and very revealing about where I am at right now.   It talked about the Israelites and their need to learn to depend on God, how God took them on a 40 year journey (that journey by the way would have only been an 11 day journey...AN 11 DAY JOURNEY!! if they weren't detoured by their refusal to be satisfied and trust and depend on God!)  But they kept going round and round the same mountain for 40 years while they learned how to truly depend on God.  

Wow.  I don't want my journey to take that long.

"Each day the Israelites were to ask God for their portion of food.  Then God would rain down exactly what they needed for nourishment.  It was called manna...God wanted them to take only their portion for one day...It was a process intended to put them in the habit of dependence on God, and only God, each day.  We would do well to apply this same process to our struggles.  Each day God can be the perfect portion of everything we need - every longing we have, every desperate desire our souls cry out for.  God will be our portion."

As I sit here in my kitchen reading, and at the same time watching my computer's screen saver scroll through pictures of the last 6 years of our lives, I am reminded of all the prayers that God has answered in my life.  Those precious faces...who I have held in my arms as they cried over the pain of loss and frustration and despairs of life.  Who I have prayed over as they slept and cried out to God to touch them and reach them and be their portion.  Who I have seen the hand of God move in and through and continues to draw to Himself.  Even when I can't see it.  When I am blinded by my own fears and my own journey.  Even then, God is moving and protecting and working everything out for their good, and mine.  

And so I face today with hope.  With the expectation that good things will happen.  And despite the fact that I am lacking several hours of sleep, I am going to live today being present.  I will be content.  Be thankful.  Be healthy.  Receive God's supply of manna...just for today.   Not looking backwards or forwards too far, but living in today.  Fully living in today.  

"Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.  I say to myself, "the LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him."  Lamentations 3:22-24

Rambling...

This is going to be a ramble, so consider yourself warned, fasten your seatbelt and hold on! 

Vince and I are watching "Undercover Boss".  Have you seen this?  It's a new show (at least I think it is - I don't watch much tv so if this show has been on for decades already, it's new for me so I'm excited!)  It's about CEO's of  companies who go undercover and work in their own stores to see what it's like to be one of their own employees.  This has gotten me to thinking...what if we could change lives with someone for a day?  Whose life would you want to understand better?

Oh, man...Igor the delivery driver for 7-Eleven was just given a free vacation with his wife to a resort!  Awesome!

Here are the people I would want to change lives with for a day:

1)  Each one of our kids.  I want to know what they are thinking, feeling, dreaming...what makes them insecure, what are they hiding from me, what are they afraid to tell me?  Where is their faith really at?  How can I love them better?

2)  Someone from Haiti.  What does it feel like to lose everything?  To be homeless and have no posessions...to have to rely completely on the charity of people I don't even know to rebuild a future that I can't see right now.  I think it would be very humbling.  We take so much for granted in our lives, don't we?

3)  Beth Moore.  I don't idolize her, or any other celebrity.  I know they are just regular people like us.  But she has an intimacy with the Lord, and a joy that I don't have yet.  I want to know how she prays, how she thinks and lives her life everyday.  How she stays so intimate with God so that she can receive the divine inspiration to write and encourage so many people. 

4)  Someone who has lost 100 lbs and has achieved their ideal weight and maintained it for a while.  I need to get healthy.  Seriously.  I need to lose alot, and I need to know that I can do it!  And how!  And if I lived for a day in a really healthy body, it would be so inspiring.  I think I've gotten used to being uncomfortable and I don't want to stay this way.

Speaking of that, I have made a couple decisions regarding my health.  I have heard some nasty things about "high fructose corn syrup" and the horrible things it does to your body, including contributing to diabetes.  Whether it's true or not, I'm choosing to believe it and cut it out of my diet.  And so consequently is my family, since I do most of the grocery shopping :)  Well, actually Vince and I shop together quite often, but it shouldn't be too hard to put the kibosh on things I don't want put in the cart. :)  I discovered Saturday that it's not that easy to find things without "hfcs".  I had to get an off brand of yogurt because all the name brands have it.  And granola bars?  Nada - those remained on the shelf.  It's ok, my homemade ones are so much better anyday.  One more thing...I'm not going to be consuming aspartame either.  So that means no pop for me!  We are going to focus more on natural foods and less processed foods.  Uh boy.  Change is hard for me!  Prayers are very, very welcome!

That's 'nuff rambling for tonight.  Except for this...Mr. Wonderful made me the most awesome iced coffee today!  I 've been sipping on it since this afternoon.  It sooo beats Starbucks (gasp, did I just say that?)  The caffeine was a welcome addition to my day, now I just really hope I can sleep tonight.