Heroes, another edition of "perfect purse awesomeness", and being in a funk

Husbands who get up at 4am to kill spiders, with nary a complaint, score BIG POINTS with their wives!!!

I don't like spiders, but I can usually handle grabbing them with a kleenex and flushing them down the toilet. However, when they are big, black, gross baby tarantulas, then I'm out.  (That is not in my job description, and is one of the reasons I got married).  The intruder was in my bathroom sink and as creeped out as I was, I did not take my eyes off it while Mr. Wonderful was waking up and putting on his cape to come to my rescue, because if the thing would have scurried off somewhere and escaped I would have had to move out.

Mr. W took care of it without batting an eye (or even sighing at me) and went back to sleep.  As did I, however my torment continued in my dreams, where the spider's MOTHER, which was as big as my hand, was crawling around on our carpet and I was throwing all kinds of stuff at it to try and kill it.  Vince was not available in my dream, but my son Kyle was sitting in a chair calmly watching my antics as I freaked out about the mother spider.  (That's totally something he would do by the way - he obviously gets his calm demeanor from his dads.)  I don't know if I killed it tho, because all of a sudden my dream diverted to me trying to use our kitchen sink and discovering that the faucet had shot out through the roof of our house like a rocket and got stuck on top of some phone lines above our house. I'm not even going to try to analyze what that means, but it distracted me from the spiders so that's fine with me.

So.

I've been in sort of a funk lately.  I'm not sure why, nothing bad has happened, in fact some really good things have happened.

Like, I got a new purse.

I have been using it for exactly two days and already have decided it meets my standard for "perfect purse awesomeness".  It's been a while since I had one that met my stringent criteria   (you can see previous winners here and here and here), so I'm pretty stoked.  Here is how my new purse stacks up to the criteria:

1) It has to be real leather. Or a fake material that I happen to think is real leather.  This one might actually be real leather.  I mean I got it at Nordstroms so there's a chance.  It's soft and has that wrinkled leather look and feel that I love. Good 'nuff for me.

2) It has to have a short handle.  Check.  It's short enough to carry around like a grandma, yet long enough to fling over my elbow, and over my shoulder if I am in the mood to be annoyed by it falling off 8 times before I resorting to my other two carrying options.

3) It has to have separate pockets for my cell phone and lip stuff on the outside of the purse.  Check.  This has one large pocket on the outside of the purse, which is perfect for my phone and lip stuff.  Score!

4) It absolutely cannot have any sequins or tassels or unnecessary gaudy embellishments.  Check.  Not even a buckle on this baby.

5) It has to be able to zip shut. Well, here is where we deviate a bit from the criteria.  It doesn't zip.  It has one magnetic snap, tho.  We'll see how this goes.

6) It has to have at least two big separate sections - one for my wallet and notes, the other for all my crap important stuff that I don't leave home without - which now includes my planner, iPad, notebooks, and sometimes my lunch.  Another deviation:  this one has just one large compartment.  It's more of a bag than a purse, but that's ok. I have a bag obsession too so a purse-bag is a winner on all fronts.

Another good thing that happened this week is that Vince and I purchased our first vehicle together.  We have had the same two vehicles since the summer we first met, which was 2007...my dark grey Pontiac Grand Prix and his bright red Kia Sedona.  They have both been great vehicles, but the van is approaching 200k miles and after sinking a few thousand dollars into it this year already, when the "check engine" light came on last week and I was told  it would cost $94 JUST TO FIND OUT what was wrong (and me having a subsequent snit about it) we decided that it was time for "Suzanne the Van" to go buh-bye.  Hope named her that, by the way.  She really wanted us to let her have it as her first vehicle, and we considered it, but now we just want Suzanne to find a new home before she overstays her welcome (and we go broke).

Back to my funk.  I get into them from time to time, and every time I do it is usually because of one of two things...either something is bothering me that I am not aware of yet, or I have not been spending time with God. And sometimes both.  I can say in all honesty right now that the latter is true.

I have a prayer table at home that I have set up in our office.

It is an antique table that belonged to my Grandma, and has a matching chair and magazine rack which are on either side of it.  Mom told me that Grandma and Grampa bought this set early in their marriage, which would have been in the 1930's.  I love the idea of this being my prayer table.  I have no doubt that my Grandma prayed at this table, and most likely my Mom did too.  There is a legacy of faith in my family that I am so grateful for...there is power in generations of women who love the Lord.  Power in prayer.  And I can imagine the prayers and tears of the wives and mothers and grandmothers who sat at this table...moving Heaven to intercede for our husbands, children, grandchildren, and friends...for generations. The bible says that our prayers are like incense, rising up to Heaven, and God hears every one.

"May my prayer be set before You as incense, the raising of my hands as the evening offering." - Psalm142:1

I can imagine all the prayers that have been offered at that tear soaked table...my prayers...rising up as a fragrant offering to God. Carrying with them the echo of the prayers of my mother and grandmother.  He receives them, breathes them in, allowing them to mix with His wisdom and love and grace.  And in His timing, He breathes out His blessing...like a cloud of smoke that descends on me as I sit at the table. Desperate to believe and trust that His answers to my prayers will line up with His promises.

I have not been spending enough time at my prayer table lately.  When I go too long without being in the Word and in prayer, well, that is funk material right there.  Things in life start to bother me, I begin to feel "off" and am tempted to fill the void with all kinds of things to distract me (social media, news, shopping, and of course, food.)  I start sleeping less, get more tired during the day, and then want something to make me feel better...and the cycle continues until I find myself here, blogging in a coffee shop figuring it all out.

It's not a bad place to be, in fact it's good therapy for me and helps me clear my cluttered mind and get back to what's important in life.  Like purses and prayer.  And green tea lemonade.  With a splash of raspberry.

Things that give me anxiety that probably don't bother normal people

I have issues with anxiety.  So, it's kind of funny how I get told, quite often actually, how calm I am.  I mean, I guess I can see it.  I don't tend to get riled up about stuff very often - not in certain situations anyway.  Like at work, I am told frequently that I have a calming effect on people.  I suppose that's a good thing since I'm a social worker.   I can't explain why, except to give God ALL the credit, but I am generally not uncomfortable in emotionally charged situations.  Someone is sad or grieving?  I'm on my way. Someone is angry, furious even?  I'm on it. Confused? Agitated? Unreasonable? Show me the way.  I will be on a mission to make things better.  I love the opportunity to diffuse, comfort, bring clarity and healing.  In every job I've ever had, the most challenging people are my favorites.

But then there's the fact that I am also crazy.  I mean, my family and some lucky friends know all about my crazy, but I am usually able to conceal it well enough from the rest of the people in my circles.  Where things are a little less transparent.  Where it's kind of a necessity to keep a lid on the crazy and maintain some assemblance of normal.  Like at work, and at church, and well, in public - it's kind of important not to FREAK THE CRAP OUT.  But there are some situations that get me rattled and anxious that probably don't bother normal people.

1.  Small talk.  We just met five seconds ago and you want to talk about something deep and personal? Well pull up a chair, my good friend, I'm all about that.  Let's get some coffee and bear our souls.  But saying "hi" and "how are you" and trying to figure out something superficial to talk about makes me all kinds of uncomfortable.  I never know how to answer the "how are you" question.  I don't like to be fake, I much prefer real and transparent.  But if I don't know you very well then I am not quite sure if you are just being polite, or if you really want to know that I'm a little crabby because I got into an argument with my husband/child/dog this morning and have a headache and a raging case of pms. Is that what you want?  Or will you look at me like "Heh, um ok. Well, nice to see you (wow, TMI much?)"

2.  Running into people I know while shopping.  Uh boy, here we are - carts approaching. Should I stop my cart to chat or will we do a drive by hello?  What if I stop and you don't want to, but feel obligated to stop because I do?  And then we will be in a full on small talk situation.  And if we do stop, how long will we talk? Am I blocking an aisle and people are getting mad at me?  GAH!  This has nothing to do with whether I like you or not.  I probably really do, and in another situation I would love to chat a while, but when I am shopping I am on a mission and I just want to get in and out of there as quick as possible and if I see you I might skip two whole aisles just to avoid the awkward grocery store greeting scenario.

3.  Sitting in back seats of cars.  This is a claustrophobia thing as well as a motion sickness thing.  If it is a large vehicle with a roomy back seat and I have the whole back seat to myself and some Dramamine in my veins, I will probably be ok.  But put me in the middle between two other people in a cramped back seat and I will go into full freak out mode.  This also applies to buses.  I just can't do it.  No way, no how.

4.  Being in a crowded room.  It doesn't even have to be like shoulder to shoulder crowded, it can be a spacious banquet room, but even then I could not sit at a table in the middle of the room.  I would have to sit in the back, or along the side where there is easy access to an exit.  This stems from my social phobia as a child.  First days of school were so stressful for me because teachers made seating charts and I didn't know where I would have to sit.  What if I had to go to the bathroom or vomit or something and I was sitting in the middle of the room and had to get up in front of everyone?  I was much better in high school when teachers started letting us pick our own seats.  I would always strategically place myself closest to the door.  I still do that to this day if I go to a workshop or church or any other type of gathering.

5.  Having to introduce myself in a meeting.  I can lead worship at my church or give a presentation at work, but when we have to "go around and introduce yourself" all the blood drains from my brain and I suddenly can't remember my name.  I have even been known to write my name down on my notepad in front of me in case when it's my turn I freeze.  Seriously.

6.  Paying at the pump.  This has to do with my (I know it's irrational) fear of getting arrested and going to jail because I did something illegal and didn't realize it.  This is not new for me, it's been a (irrational) fear of mine for my entire adult life.  I am a rule follower.  I don't even speed (ok, maybe four miles over). I wear my seatbelt, even if I'm only driving a block away.  I put my cart back.  And I don't park in the spots designated for "senior shoppers".  Ever.  So I am always a bit anxious paying at the pump with my debit card because what if my card doesn't work and I drive away without paying for my gas and an hour later a cop shows up at my house to arrest me?  Accidently shoplifting, having someone stash drugs in my car, or running over a pedestrian are also ideas that freak me out because they could land me in the slammer.   Or, I suppose, the psych ward would be a bit more realistic.

7.  Walking out of a store without buying anything.  This also stems from anxiety #6.  As I said before, when I shop I like to get in, get my stuff, and get out.  I do not enjoy leisurely pushing a cart around without a purpose anymore.  So if I happen to go into a store for one thing, and they don't have it, I will leave and I always feel like all the employees' eyes are on me walking out of the store without going through the checkout line, and as I take those first few steps out the door and onto the parking lot, part of me (the crazy part) waits to see if alarms will go off and I will be tackled by the Target security guy for shoplifting nothing.

8.  Taking the first item off the shelf.  Ok, this one sort of borders on OCD.  I don't buy the first item in the row.  I might pick it up and look at it, but if I decide to buy it I will grab the second one in line and put the first one back.  There are a couple reasons for this.  The first item was handled most by other shoppers and probably dropped.  Or wrinkled.  Or sneezed on.  If I am going to spend my money on something I want it to be in mint condition and booger free.  Also if it is a grocery store item in the refrigerator section, I have this thing that the stuff in the front row is not as cold as the stuff behind.  That probably isn't true, but it is a thing for me.  And everyone knows they put the newer stuff with the later expiration dates in the back. So I will always reach in the back for the coldest, freshest stuff.  Because I have a thing with expiration dates too.

I'm sure I could come up with more, but that is probably enough neurosis for one blog post!

Will I ever be able to leave the house again without imagining a bat flying at my face?

Because that's what happened to me on Sunday night.  Hope and I were leaving to go school supply shopping, and as I opened the door to our garage...something dark that I didn't understand at all came flappy flapping RIGHT AT MY FACE.

I shrieked like I haven't in some time and promptly slammed the door shut and did what any normal woman would do in this situation...SCREAMED FOR MY HUSBAND.  He was already on his way, after hearing my shrieking which I would find out later he was quite amused by.  I told him "something" was in the garage and it flew right at me like this (flopping my hands in front of my face) and it was definitely NOT A MOTH.

He calmly said "it was probably a bat, hon."  Which immediately sent my already confuzzled brain into full

I have decided to stop freaking out

We have lived in our house for almost three years now, and although I love the house and so many things about it, I have not been able to truly enjoy it.  Not really.  And it's all my own fault, and here's why...I have this terrible habit of continually focusing on how clean it's not. 

Am I a clean freak?  No.  But my kids will tell you that I am a handwashing nazi and I swear that is why we get very few colds around here.  (Yes, I know that four of us had strep in January....ssssh!)  I am not a clean freak, per se,  ( I didn't know that I knew how to spell "per se", but according to Wikipedia, I do.  I surprise myself sometimes), but I have this thing that I can't seem to relax and enjoy our home unless it is clutter free, dust free, and organized.  And since it is rarely all of those things at the same time, well, I don't often allow myself to relax and enjoy it.  I tend to look around and see the mess and the flaws and focus on them and sometimes allow it to make me cranky.  And when I am cranky about the house being messy, I typically react in one of three ways (sometimes a combination of the three if I'm feeling especially feisty):

1)  I yell at everyone and threaten to throw away their stuff if they don't put it away (yes I do...just keeping it real.  Would I ever actually throw away someone's stuff?  No, but don't tell my kids that.  I like to keep them in a healthy state of fear and panic). 

2)  I sigh alot and grumble under my breath, which may or may not contain colorful language.  Or,

3)  I declare that I GIVE UP! and flop myself on my bed and implode for a while.  This is a personal favorite of mine, because it's the one where I don't end up having to apologize to anyone afterwards :/

Am I proud of any of these reactions?  Not at all, and the part of me that wants to perpetuate the illusion that I don't ever behave in these ways wants me to delete this entire post right now.  But, I am allowing transparency and vulnerability to prevail in the hopes that someone will fess up that I am not alone in my dysfunction.

So, yesterday I made the revelation, and the subsequent declaration to Mr. Wonderful, that I am now and forevermore NOT going to freak out about the condition of our home.  Does this mean that I am giving up on keeping a clean and orderly house?  Au contraire (almost spelled that one right too...bada-bing!).  We will continue to hold the kids (and ourselves, eh-hem) accountable for picking up our things and cleaning up after ourselves.  We will still keep our "daily job chart" going, and make sure that things get done and stay caught up....especially the three stinky things (laundry, garbage, and dishes).  But, I am going to give myself a break...permission to enjoy our home and those who inhabit it, without obsessing about it being perfect.

And (this is a biggy) we are going to start INVITING PEOPLE OVER!  We have not been doing this as much as we really want to because I always feel like the house has to look perfect before we can let people in.

And perhaps an even bigger revelation that I have had in realizing all of this, is that I am all too often like that with God too.  I can't let Him in...it's too messy!  (As if the omniscient Creator of the universe doesn't know about my stuff).   I can't let others know what I really struggle with either, or they might not think that I am as strong in my faith as I should be, or maybe that they think I am. 

Oh dear.  This could go on for a while.  I should know better than to start blogging at 10:30pm...I need to get to bed!  I'll write more tomorrow...

I need to be committed. Seriously.

I have a plethora of things to be freaking out about right now.  So if you don't mind, I may just let them all come spewing out and clean it up later.  Or not.  Maybe it will help?  Maybe it will push me over the edge?  We'll see...

I know, I'll do a "Top 10 List".  That will help me add some humor to the mix and hopefully lower my blood pressure by pretending to think that the following things are funny instead of terrifying.

So here I go....

"Top 10 7 Reasons Why I Am Freaking Out Right Now"

1.  I crashed my car yesterday.

2.  It's going to cost over $2000 to fix, and even though I was working at the time and driving to a client's home, my employer doesn't pay for it.  Is that how it usually goes?  Maybe I'm naive, but I assumed that if you are required to use your own vehicle for work, that they would pay for any damages that happen.  I wouldn't have been on that stupid, snow covered, unmaintained gravel road in the country, sliding into a pickup truck and very nearly missing a head on collision, ending up in the ditch needing to be towed out by "LeRoy" and his skidloader, if I weren't traveling there for my job.  Hmmph. 

3.  I keep replaying the "what if's" in my mind...what if I had slid just inches more to the left and hit that truck head on?  What if I had been trapped in my vehicle, with crushed legs, waiting to be extracted by the jaws of life, all while having a claustrophobic conniption?  What if the driver of the pickup hadn't ended up in the ditch as well, and just kept driving off - leaving me stranded and completely vulnerable on this country road with no cell service - instead of going to get his neighbor "LeRoy with the skidloader" to help me?  And what if I had actually seen the movie "Deliverance"???

4.  See what I do to myself?  Thank God for Vince.  He is my voice of reason.  He's high atop his white horse, cape flowing in the wind with his sword drawn coming to my rescue as he has done a thousand times before.  Wow, do I need that right now.

5.  Even before all this happened, I was freaking out.  Vince and I have recently made the commitment to start tithing.   (Deep breath)  We have always given to our church regularly, but actually tithing - as in a full 10% of our income - we have not been consistent with that.  And I'm ashamed to admit it.  In our hearts, we believe in the principle of tithing.  The church is the voice of God in this world.  The church needs money to operate, to provide ministries to believers, to reach unbelievers, and the bible clearly says in Malachi 3 that God will bless those who tithe. 

"Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it."  Malachi 3:10

The bible also says that those who don't tithe are robbing God.  Ouch.

So why haven't we?  Fear.  Fear that if we give that much to the church, will we be able to pay our bills and our mortgage?  Will we have no money for extras and become prisoners in our home filled with bored, deprived kids?  Will we have money if the furnace breaks down?   Or if I crash my car..........HELLO!!!!!

6.  We should have expected this.  Whenever we take steps of obedience to God, we can expect opposition from the enemy of our souls, who doesn't want us to commit.  Doesn't want us to have faith, and certainly doesn't want us to step out in it.  So when we do, it makes him mad.  Is God using this situation to test our commitment to Him?  To test our faith that He really will provide for us?  Even when it looks impossible and feels scary?

7.  Probably.  I hate that.  I so much prefer to be coddled.  "Come on, God!  Can't you hold us in your arms, keep bad things far far away, and tell us what good, obedient kids we are???"  But instead, He reminds me that He is the God of the impossible.  That He is faithful.  And that He makes a way where there seems to be none. 

Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."
Matthew 19:26

 Ok, God.  It's time for us to be committed.  Seriously.  To take this big leap of faith and walk with You in this area of obedience.  Even when it looks scary and impossible.  Oh Lord, increase our faith!  And please make people pray for us!!!

"So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."  Matthew 6:31-34