It's about time we talk about my driving

I'm a bit of a distracted driver.  Oh, I keep my eyes on the road and I don't run into things, and I NEVER text while driving.  But I do miss turns and take wrong streets, and as I like to say, take "interesting" routes to get places.  The people in my circles know this about me...the ones in my close circles anyway (aka anyone who has actually ridden in a vehicle with me ever).  They like to say "Where are you going, hon?"  Or "mom...Mom...MOM!"  Or just sit there politely wondering what's wrong with me.

Like the other day when I was taking Hope downtown and we ended up in Wisconsin.

But I always get us where we need to be, yes I do.  This interesting way that I like to drive was easier to pull off before my kids were old enough to know where we were going...when they weren't really paying attention to all the turns and kept themselves occupied with other things. Things other than the turns we were making or the scenery out the windows.  Things like iPods and arguing.

But now that our youngest two have their driver's permits, it's a whole new game.  They pay attention to everything now and so does my husband, by the way.  This he has always done.  He is a silent road rager...I mean "driving expert"...and he makes comments in the car about other drivers (most of whom don't know how to drive and are in his way).  He can spot someone three cars ahead of us who doesn't use their blinker and will be all "oh nice, yea let's ALL not use our blinkers I mean really the rest of us don't need to know where you are going.  Wow. Have fun in driving school." This I don't understand. I keep saying to him "why do you care about that?  It doesn't affect us at all." And I shake my head with superiority, because I don't freak out over such things. Even when something major happens, like someone cuts us off and nearly causes an accident, I might say "oopsie, that was close" while Vince has a mini stroke.

So.

As I mentioned, our youngest two have their permits now.  Which means that in less than a year they will both have their licenses and their own cars and won't need us to drive them around anymore.

Sigh.

This is both cause for happy dances and sadness for me, because I actually do enjoy our car time.  I drive them to school everyday and pick them up most days too, and our car time is often when we have the best talks and laughs.  We connect and talk about our days and have each other's full attention (which may have something to do with the interesting routes I take). And we listen to music together - hello Sirius Radio my new best friend!  We listen to real music on stations like The Blend, Y2Country, Classics Rewind, 80's on 8, 70's on 7, and HAIR NATION!!  Cha!  Sometimes I let them choose but usually not.  Mama's car, Mama's choice.  And there are so many teachable moments, I mean how can we call ourselves parents if we don't teach our kids about Kansas and Elton John and Queen and Billy Joel and Guns N' Roses and Cyndi Lauper???  I mean honestly.  If our kids launch without knowing the words to "Bohemian Rhapsody" and "Carry on Wayward Son" and "Sweet Child o' Mine" then we have failed as 80's parents.  That's all I'm saying.

Brain Flatulence: The Blender Edition

Things I have learned recently: 

1. Berry and kefir smoothies are delicious!
2. Whole, frozen strawberries do not chop up very well in a blender.
3. Using a metal fork to move the strawberries around in a blender while it is running is not a great idea.
4. Blenders don't like forks.
5. If you gag a blender with a fork it can projectile puke it's contents 10 feet in the air (unless of course you have a ceiling to stop it)
6. A berry smoothie splattered all over your kitchen looks very much like a murder scene.
7. It takes quite a while to clean it up.

Those days are over, and Brain Flatulence: Doorbell Edition

Note to self: The days of whipping your head around while jamming out to the Surf Punk's cover of Ballroom Blitz like you did in 1989 are over. Although really fun and nostalgic, if you try that now you will nearly give yourself vertigo. Your kids will not think you were cool (in fact they will be quite horrified), and you will have to take a Dramamine and go to bed.

Moving on...

Hypothetical. If your doorbell rings at 9pm you should:  a) Answer it right away. It might be your 15 year old son whom you accidently locked out when he took out the garbage, or b) Ignore it for another 20 minutes because you think he is just goofing off. The correct answer is A.  If you choose B (hypothetically) your very cold and angry 15 year old will not forgive you until the next day.

Yea.

If our children survive my parenting and actually reach adulthood in a relatively healthy mental state, it will be a miracle.  A series of many, many miracles actually.  

And maybe some therapy.

Finishing what I start, and Brain Flatulence: The Candle Edition

I had a revelation about myself recently.  It's something I have been aware of for some time, but never really saw as an issue that needed addressing.  Others may have recognized it far sooner than myself (namely a husband or two, or a kid or six) but me?  It's taken me a bit longer.  No, I'm not talking about the time that I missed a turn while driving.  (While I admit that has happened a time...or two...hundred).  I am talking about starting projects and not finishing them.

My list of offenses is quite long...including (but not limited to) our wedding scrapbook, family scrapbooks since 2008, my Christmas Memories book, Kyle's baby book (yes I know he's ten, get OFF me!) and my birthday and anniversary calendar.  It's called a "perpetual calendar" actually, and you write down birthdays and anniversaries and keep it hanging next to your regular calendar. No more forgetting birthdays or having to write them all on the calendar every year, 'cause it's already there!  Cha!

So since I started that little project, oh let's say two years ago, I decided to tackle that one as my first "finishing what I have already started before moving on to something new" project.  Hope and I had a girl's night this past Friday night.  Vince and all the boys took all their testosterone with them and went to the new Avengers movie, so Hope and I cranked up her ipod, made cookie bars and did some scrappin'!  She worked on her Disney book from her trip with her aunt and uncle and cousin (eh-hem) in 2009, and I worked on the calendar.  I had SO MUCH FUN scrapping each month's page with cute holiday themes and writing in all the birthdays and anniversaries of everyone in our families!!

I think September is my favorite...

Or maybe August...

July is kind of manic, which fits because it's my birthday month...

And November, I just love November...

And now, after many hours and dollars, it's done and hanging on our wall.  SUCH a sense of accomplishment!  Oh the joy and adulation!

So it was kind of a bummer when I accidently set it on fire.

Yea.

Apparently, setting it on the counter a little too close to a burning candle was not the best idea I've ever had.

It could have been much worse, right?   (Feigns gratitude.)  I mean, I could have burned the whole kitchen down and potentially the entire house.

Jump start the candle paranoia.

One would think I would have learned after the relatively recent time that I burned the candles on our entertainment center without trimming the wicks, which caused the flames to burn higher than they should have been and set off the smoke alarms.  And singe a nice black spot on our ceiling, which I pretend is just a shadow.

Someone CLEARLY needs to take my candles away and buy me some more Scentsy's.

What I've been doing when I'm not spilling water on expensive electronics and lighting things on fire

Besides working...and taking and editing lots of pictures...and watching my boys play baseball nearly every night and weekend...and tending to things and people around our house...and working on music for church...and planning and preparing for Trevor's graduation party...and overusing ellipses...and trying to resist the urge to curl up into a ball and go to my happy place, I really haven't been doing very much this summer. 

Things have been so boring and uneventful, that just for fun one evening I decided to spill an entire glass of water on my computer.  The one that Vince built for me last year for my birthday for me to use for my photography business which stored ALL OF THE PICTURES I HAVE EVER TAKEN SINCE 2006, which was when I got my first digital camera. 

Sigh.

I literally thought I was going to have a stroke.  But Vince took it apart and assessed the damage, and discovered that my harddrives were indeed saved but the motherboard was toast - you know, the most expensive part of a computer.  Again, sigh.  Well, I can be thankful that all of my pictures and documents were ok.  A motherboard can be replaced, but pictures cannot!  Vince has it up and running again, so I am thankful.

And because that was so much fun, the very next evening I decided to light some candles and watch helplessly as the match I just lit broke in half - sending the flaming half floating to the floor where it singed a beautiful little hole in the carpet.  One more sigh.

Those who know me well, know that this is not the first time I've had episodes of brain flatulence that resulted in mass destruction, and it most likely will not be the last.  (Again with the sighing).  But a little reprieve would be nice, so that is what I am praying for!

Actually, I have learned something through this recent round of mishaps...I need to have more grace with our kids.  I am often harping on them to be careful and I can sometimes lose it when things get scratched or broken, but I really need to have more grace because looky what I can do!  Wow.

"Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy."  Matthew 5:7

Every few months I fall for it

They are so tempting, the self check-out lanes at Walmart.  When all the other (two) open checkout lanes are occupied, and have lines 4-5 carts deep, the self-checkout lanes call to me.  They are so alluring and convincing with their promises.  Promises that they will get me out of the store faster.  Promises that I will be competent enough to work them.  But they betray me, and just like taking back a cheating boyfriend, I fool myself into believing that this time things will be different.

It always starts out ok.  A honeymoon period of sorts.  I beep my way through the first few items in my cart without problems, and I am hopeful.  Over confident, perhaps, that I do in fact have the ability to move a box of Q-tips in front of a little glass square properly...but alas, I do not.  And after the 15th time that the machine yells at me for not "moving my items to the bagging area"  I'm ready to wig.  The whole exprience always ends the same...with me apologizing to the poor checkout girl who had to witness the whole fiasco and bear the brunt of my annoyance, and me calling myself an idiot under my breath as I push my cart out of the store.

Gah.

Not Me! Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday!

This is my first "Not Me" post in many moons, because I just haven't done anything embarassing or "not me" worthy in all this time.  Eh-hem, well, in the past few minutes anyway.

Ok scratch that.  I just now almost dumped my entire plate of lunch in my lap, trying to balance it in front of the keyboard as I type this.  And since it's awesomely yummy leftover pork chops and potatoes from supper last night, that really would have been a shame.  Had I actually dumped that in my lap, however, I certainly would not have taken my fork and eaten it off my clothing because it is just that good. 

Anyway, yesterday I did not bake a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting under the guise that it was for the kids.  That would be far too tempting for me to have around the house and would completely negate my (feeble) efforts at giving up sugar.  And even if I did, I would not have saved some of the chocolate frosting and hidden it in the frig so that when I snuck a piece for myself (which I did not) I could eat it with extra frosting. 

And finally...not because I have run out of dumb things that I have not done, rather I have run out of time to type them all...upon returning home from work on Friday, I did not leave my keys in my car in the garage, apparantly in the "on" position for several hours, and thus drain my battery and requiring rescue from Mr. Wonderful.  And I also did not let 4 boards of sheetrock fall against the van (in the same garage, about 30 seconds after discovering the dead battery) because I was looking for something behind them.  I'm much too careful to make either of these (dumb) mistakes. 

This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week!

This is what happens when I just sit down to write without a plan

Have you had the new taco Doritos? We got some last night to make Vinny's favorite "taco pie" for his birthday dinner...and may I just say that those chips are awesome! They actually taste like an entire taco - I swear (but 99% of the time I don't) you can even taste the lettuce in them. I am not kidding. Dip them in sour cream and you will never again feel the need to eat at Taco Bell, ever. You will also never wear a size 10 again, but some things are just worth it.

I'm not sure where this is going, so I'll just keep rambling and see what comes spewing out. I'm good at that, especially in real life - which is more risky because I don't have a backspace or delete button on myself yet. There have been many moments where that would have come in handy tho, such as the time I...

1) Said the f-word to my pastor. Wait! Let me 'splain! I didn't actually say it to him, rather I was talking to him about a situation that I observed between two people in my life where that word was used, and I did not censor myself. But it was ok. We are blessed with an awesome, realistic and understanding pastor who wasn't at all phased by my telling him like it was. I think people try to sugar coat life in the eyes of their pastors, and if it were me I would hate that. I'd just be dying for people to be real.

2) Called myself a "retard" in front of my boss. This in and of itself isn't horrific, except when you work for an agency that provides services to people with developmental disabilities, as I do. Then it is not cool, and the r-word is just as bad, if not worse than the f-word.

3) Talked about someone who I thought had left, but was apparantly in the other room and I am quite sure heard the whole conversation. (This was years ago, and that person I'm pretty sure doesn't read my blog, so it prolly wasn't you.) Ok, I'm about 99% sure that they heard me, but I couldn't confirm that because that would require me asking "did you hear what I was talking about just now?" and if they actually didn't, well then I'd have to tell them what I said, which is exactly what I was wanting to "delete" in the first place.

And let's not for get the time I...

4) Had a complete meltdown in front of the post office when I was pregnant (read: temporarily mentally unstable) and frustrated that the post office in our very small town not only forced me to have (and pay for) a post office box because we lived too close to the post office and they refused to deliver our mail (lame), but they also locked their doors at 4:30pm which, because of my work schedule made it completely impossible to get my mail until Saturdays. (Breath). Not realizing that anyone could hear me, I verbally vomited all over the place "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY MAIL !!!!" (among other things, which I'm sure included some of the 1% verbage I have previously referred to). Turns out a very nice man did in fact hear me, and about half an hour later showed up at my house to give me the number of the person in charge at the post office, who he was certain could help me solve my dilema. Isn't that sweet?

It was one of the most embarassing moments of my life.

This is what happens when you live in a very small town. Not only is someone always around to hear you, they also know who you are and where you live. And they are really, really nice like that.

So, there ya go. I told ya I was going to be real.

Not Me! Monday

Oooh, where to begin. I haven't posted a "Not Me" in several weeks, so I have a virtual plethora of things that I have, umm not done, to choose from...
Such as the "Snowy Blessings" sign that isn't still hanging on my wall above my piano that I put up as a Christmas decoration and have since left up because I don't have anything else to hang in it's place. And even though it's July and over half the year is already over, I am definitely not considering leaving it up (you know, the sign that really isn't there) until next Christmas because now it's actually closer to next Christmas than it is to the last. Not me!
Upon deciding on Saturday to make a spontaneous trip to my hometown to spend with my best friends' family, I did not pull a dirty and embarassingly wrinkled shirt out of our hamper and put it on because that's the one I wanted to wear, and we were going to be hanging out at the lake anyway. Especially when I had several clean shirts hanging in my closet to choose from. That is gross and I would never do that!
And I definitely did not procrastinate about ordering more contacts until I was two weeks into my last pair, which are only supposed to be worn for two weeks in the first place. I am way more responsible and on top of things than that! It also wasn't me who, while still waiting for my new contacts to arrive, sprayed hairspray in my eye and thus ruining one of my contacts. How careless that would have been had I actually done that! Then, about five seconds later I absolutely did NOT procede to spray hairspray directly into my other eye. That would be pathetic and even more blonde than this. Well, maybe...
So, there ya go...just a samplin' of some of the dumb things I may or may not have been doing as of late. If you want to read about all the embarassing things that everyone else at Mckmama's bloggy universe have not been doing this week, hop on over to her blog!

Facebook flirting and the Claritin buzz

This morning, for the first time in a very looooong time, I slept in...until 10am!!! Amazing! I don't even think I got up to pee. (Well, prolly once I did.) The only reason I was able to sleep that long was because I was coming down off my Claritin buzz...let me 'splain.

Last week, you may remember my "Not Me! Monday" post (you know, when I was not up at 2am eating hot fudge straight from the jar and having an allergy attack because I had run out of Claritin). Well, the very next day I went and bought some more - this time I opted for the 24 hour Claritin D tablets. You know...the ones that they keep behind the counter in the pharmacy and you have to sign for them. I never understood why they did that. Until now.

Day one: I was feeling a little extra chipper and perky and thought "my this Claritin is fantastic for my allergy symptoms!"

Day three: I noticed that my eyes felt a little weird, and I was a little light headed. My approach...ignore it and it will go away. I know that approach usually doesn't work in most situations but I continue to use it now and again because you never know.

Day five: In addition to the previous symptoms, I noticed that I was kind of jittery and antsy, and I was having trouble sleeping. Of course this was from all the stress that has been going on in my life as of late. Either that or I was finally going crazy. For real this time.

Day seven: I woke up at 2am and could NOT go back to sleep! I was WIRED! This was Sunday morning and by the time my alarm went off at 6am I felt like running laps around the block. That's when it dawned on me...the reason they treat Claritin D like a controlled substance is because it seriously is speed. Wow.

So last night I did not take it, and well...I crashed! For 9 1/2 hours! I prolly would have slept longer except I was awakened by - I'm not sure exactly what. It was either the intense itching of my entire face and all associated orifices, or by Hope's shrill little voice yelling at her brothers. Both of which make me want to gouge out my own eyes. (I love that girl, but when she is mad her voice could cut diamonds.) It's all good now tho, I took some of Vince's Zyrtec this morning and so far so good!

Aside from that, we had a great Memorial Day weekend! We went to the movies on Saturday, church on Sunday, and today my mom and her fiance' came over and we grilled burgers and dogs and made smores around the fire on our deck. Other than that, we all just hung out at home. There were various people's kids in and out of our house all weekend, which was fun for the kids and also fun for us. I love to watch them having a good time, and we'd much rather they have their good times here than elsewhere.

Vince and I have our own kind of fun too...such as flirting chatting with one another on Facebook when we are sitting one room away. Not only are we one room away, but if we look up from our computers (me in the kitchen and he on his laptop on the couch) we can actually see eachother. We lead an exciting life, can you stand it? Tehe. I love marriage.

Not Me! Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

It's "Not me!" time again...good grief! It seems like only yesterday that I was revealing embarassing stuff about myself, and now it's time to do it again! Oh well, here goes...

This past week, I was not TOTALLY THRILLED to see that my blog has reclaimed it's #1 spot as THE most ridiculously unnecessary thing in the entire Google universe! Yesssss!! (If you don't know what I am talking about, read this to catch up.)

When I saw this, I did not do a happy dance, and then I did not subsequently take this picture to prove my position of honor (in the unfortunate event that I should be bumped out of my #1 spot sometime in the future.)

I know there is a plethora of other dumb things that I have done in the past week, but I'm having a blank moment. So, just now as I asked Mr. Wonderful, "Hon, what stupid things have I done in the past week?", he did not reply "Oh......don't trap me like that." Because I would never trap him like that and he knows it.

...fast forward 4 hours. It is not now almost 2am, and I am not awake because my face and throat are itching like crazy because I did not let myself run out of Claritin. It's just a bad, bad dream. And even if it were true, I would have taken one of Vince's Zyrtecs and gone directly back to bed. I would definitely NOT have plopped myself down in front of the computer to add this to my already published "Not Me!" post, whilst eating Mrs. Richardson's Chocolate Lover's Fudge with a spoon directly out of the jar. Nope, I would never do that. It's someone else, now go back to bed. Sheesh!

In defense of my most blonde moment ever

Have you read a certain husband's blog from Wednesday?? Hmmm...he must have forgotten that addendum to our marital vows that read "thou shalt not tell the entire world when thy wife loses touch with reality."

Well, in my own defense (and I use the term 'defense' very very loosely here) I just have to say that in our crazy life it would not be that unusual for wildlife to be bounding through the house. Especially with children who are oblivious to many things...including but not limited to closing doors.

It is not outside the realm of possibility, am I wrong??

But hon, I forgive you for the breaking of the proverbial vow. I probably have nothing to worry about, really. It's not like your blog gets nearly as many readers as mine does.

It was just a little white foamy thing...

...but it changed my life!

For the past who-knows-how-long, I have been tired. Exhausted actually. And I've been attributing it to our busy lifestyle, stress in my job, all of our life changes and the stress that inevitably comes with that, and just plain not going to bed early enough and getting the rest I need. I wear my breather (aka my C-PAP machine) faithfully every night but I still wake up feeling groggy and sometimes headachey.

While talking to Vince last night before bed, I told him that I didn't think my breather was working right, as I have also been waking up in the night completely congested. He said there must be something in the tubing or the airflow that is irritating my nose. Then it dawned on me...there's a filter in the back of the machine! A little white square foamy thing that I vaguely recall being told by my respiratory therapist to change monthly.

I honestly cannot remember the last time I changed it. It's been many months for sure. But what I pulled out was not a little white foamy thing. It was a little black foamy thing...ICK!!! No wonder I have been so exhausted. This poor little filter has been so clogged that it has been restricting the airflow, and thus interrupting the quality and quanitity of my sleep. And I am not even going to think about all the bacteria that I have been breathing in for who-knows-how-long.

Nope, nah gah dah!

So, last night I put in a nice clean little white foamy thingy and guess what....I slept like a baby! I woke up feeling so good, so refreshed...just like I did the very first night that I had my breather about a year ago! yay!!

Ok, enough about all of that...we are having a great Sunday! Church was awesome, and after that Hope had the opportunity to fulfill her lifelong dream. Seriously! Take a wild guess what that would be....

She was invited to be in...a...(drum roll please) MOVIE!

That's right, our lovely little drama queen budding actress made her official debut! Our pastor's daughter Jodi is making a movie for a school project and because she knows Hope and her love of all things diva, she invited Hope to have a part. I wish I had videotaped her reaction when I told her about it yesterday! Think lots and lots of loud gasping and giggling :)

So while she was busy doing that, Vince and I took the boys to get their hair cut. Just check out these handsome lads...

Nick says this is the *best* haircut he's ever gotten ~ prolly because he can still flip his bangs :)

Can you see the blue hair gel hi-lights?? As we were leaving, Vinny humbly said "I look so hot!" Yes you do, Vin :)

This was not your ordinary brain flatulence...

...it was a gaseous explosion of epic proportions. If you know me well, you are aware that I've had lots of brain farts in my time, but I'm quite sure I lost at least half a million brain cells on this one. Furthermore, I'm not really sure why I am telling people about it?? Probably residual effects of the brain cell loss, I'm still not thinking clearly. Maybe someone can help me laugh about it 'cause I'm not quite there yet.

Sunday was an eventful day at church, in many ways. We arrived a bit late for Lifegroups (our church's version of Sunday school). The kids ran to their classrooms, but after making our coffee and preparing to join our class, I just had this feeling like I didn't want to go in. Not sure why, I just didn't. So Vince and I decided to sit by the fireplace and talk. A friend of mine named Cheryl and her husband Dave also arrived late, and Cheryl said she didn't feel like going into her class late either, so she asked if she could join us. I've known Cheryl through church for several years, and we always say hi & chat when we see eachother, but have never really sat down and talked for any length of time. We ended up talking for quite a while about our families and found out that Cheryl and her husband Dave, who have been married for about 4 years, also have a blended family....with 9 kids between them! So as you can imagine, we had lots to talk about. Just sharing some of our common experiences really blessed me, and I am convinced that God had His hand in setting that whole thing up! Now that we have this connection, I'm sure there will be more talks like that in the future.

The sermon was very, very good (if you'd like to listen to it, click on the LLC link on the left!) It was shortly after that when the tootin' started. As Vince and I and the kids were preparing to leave church and go home, I could not find my keys. Anywhere. I knew I had them with me because I was the one who drove us there! I always throw them in the front pocket of my purse when I get out of the car, but they weren't there. Vince had his set of keys along, but knowing that I had mine he left his - where else - but in the car. So after emptying out my purse like three times, the hunt was on. Several of our friends helped out too. We searched all over that church. We began retracing my steps, which wasn't an easy task. For various reasons, I had been all over the church that morning. ...the bathroom, the youth room, the kitchen, and of course the sanctuary. Nada. It was driving me crazy! How could they just disappear???

After searching the entire church like eight times, we finally decided to call the roadside assistance number which is printed on the window of my car. Thankfully there was no charge for this (although I'm sure I paid a hefty fee for it when I bought the car). They said that they would send someone to unlock it, but it would take about an hour, and we had already spent about an hour looking for the keys! A friend offered to drive the kids home, and even bought them McDonalds on the way. Another friend offered to run to Subway for Vince & I, and hang out with us until help arrived. If nothing else good came out of this, we gave our friends an opportunity to bless us! By this time, since my keys were nowhere to be found in the church I assumed that I had locked them inside the car. Under Vince's jacket, which was laying on the seat. Where else could they be? The guy finally arrived and it took him about 1/2 hour to get the car open. After all of that anticipation I pick up Vince's jacket, and the keys are...........not there. What in the world??? So, still perplexed, we got in the car and decided just to go home and worry about the keys later. That's when it happened. It dawned on me. First like an epiphany. Then like a deer in the headlight....where was my jacket? The jacket that I wore to church. And hung up in the coat room. With my keys...in....the....pocket.




Wow.




So as we are driving home, almost two hours after church got out, Vince says "you need to write about this in your blog". I said "are you kidding? I'm not telling anyone about this, it's WAY too embarrassing!!!! Even for ME!"

Some things I've learned in the last couple weeks...

1. If the garage door won't close when you push the button, you should probably go check and see if there is something in the way instead of holding the button down because that crunching noise you hear when the door hits some shelving is not good.

2. It's ok, because we have LOTS of extra money to replace expensive things that I break.

3. It's probably a good idea to check your pockets to see if your ipod is in one of them before throwing your pants in the wash. Ipods don't like washers. Or dryers.

4. Refer to # 2.

5. My husband is a man of incredible patience, understanding, and love....because he didn't make me feel bad about #1 or 3! No condemnation at all, not even a heavy sigh. Just a "hon, it's ok. You didn't do it on purpose..." as he gently took the club out of my hand (the one I was using to hit myself with) and replaced it with a big spoonful of grace! I love that man.

6. No matter how frazzled I am, I need to make time to go to Wednesday night prayer & praise service...it was SO refreshing this week and helped me get refocused. (Our church has it once a month). God really showed up and renewed my mind and heart and I have felt so much peace since then. I was reminded of how critical it is for my spirit to make time just for praise...not to go to God to ask for things like I do so often, but to just bask in the glow of His light, to reflect back to Him how awesome He is. I haven't been slowing down long enough lately to do this. I haven't been playing my piano very much either, which I need to make time to do daily. And now that #3 happened, I haven't been listening to worship music in my car like I used to...maybe that's ok? I think I have been depending too much on music to worship God. That can be so easy to do, especially for a musician...to make it about the music and not about worship. To focus on the song and not the One we are singing to. To enjoy creating melodies and harmonies, but miss altogether the opportunity to let the Holy Spirit move. During the service I found that when I stopped singing along, when I slowed down my mind, closed my mouth and opened my heart...when I focused on Jesus, it was then that I was able to hear His voice. And it sounds so much sweeter than mine.

The Heart of Worship - Michael W. Smith
"When the music fades
And all is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that's of worth
That will bless Your heart

I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus

King of endless worth
No one could express
How much You deserve
Though I'm weak and poor
All I have is Yours
Every single breath

I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it
And it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus"

Where am I? And where am I going? Anyone?

I'm here! At least I think I am....My life is such a blurry of activity these days that I find it hard to know where I am at any given moment, or how I got there. ("Blurry". It's my new word for today. A combination of blur and flurry. I had to go with the combo because I am far too busy and in too much of a hurry to type both words out.) Trevor can vouch for the fact that I don't always know where I am, or where I am going. I took him to the clinic this morning before school to get a tetanus shot (no injury, just required). Afterwards he asked if we could go to McDonalds. I said sure, made my way across the highway and proceeded to pass McD's entirely. He said "where are you going? McDonalds was back there..." Chuckle. So I turned around, ordered his food at the drive-thru and then proceeded to drive right past the cashier window. I said "what is WRONG with me today? I have no idea where I'm going!" Trev said "I can tell!" More chuckling. Wow. Can you say brain clog? As much as I hate to admit it, this is nothing new for me. My boys have seen me do things like this many times so it's not exactly out of character for me to miss a turn now and again. But it takes the Howard kids by surprise (they'll get used to it). Even with all that confusion, I did manage to remember where the highschool was, make all the appropriate turns to get there, and dropped Trev off at school safely before going to work.

I don't know if this has anything to do with that, but I had a terrible dream early this morning. The kind of dream that feels real and when you wake up you are so thankful that it was just a dream. I won't go into details of what I dreamt about, but it entailed one of my boys falling into a deep hole and I couldn't reach him to get him out. I woke up and even before I opened my eyes, the first thing I did was pray for God to remove that image from my mind. To take my thoughts captive, as it says in 2 Corinthians 10:5 "... take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." I have no doubt that because I prayed that prayer, God delivered me and protected me from being tormented by that dream all day long. I have had dreams like that before, not exactly that scenario, but with a similar theme: my kids are in danger and I cannot reach them to save them. It is my worst nightmare (and probably is for most parents). Satan knows my weak areas, and my biggest one is fear. I don't know if satan has the power to give us bad dreams or not, but he certainly knows what causes me to fear, and uses any chance he can to stoke the fires of fear in my heart. He uses whatever weapons he can to cause us to stumble, to become ineffective for God, and there is nothing in my life more paralyzing than the fear of something bad happening to my kids. So I really have to be careful, and take my fears to God regularly, especially where the kids are concerned. As they get older and more independent, my ability to keep them safe seems to be fading. Kyle and Hope want to ride their bikes around and go to the park with their friends, Nick wants to play injury producing games like football, Vinny wants to stay home alone sometimes instead of coming to the store with us. They are old enough to do these things, and we let them. But I am still prone to worrying...what if they forget to look for cars just this one time? What if the house starts on fire during the hour that we are gone to the store? And Trevor has a new girlfriend at school already....which at 15 brings with it a whole plethora of things for me to worry about!

If I allow it, all of these worries and fears can accumulate in my heart and mind and become a burden that I was never meant to carry. As I have so many times before, I realized anew this morning that I need to go to God daily, every single morning, and lay my burdens at the foot of the cross. To cast all my cares upon Him. I don't want to give the impression that I am a complete mess! I'm not! Life is busy, yes, but we are doing fine - more than fine! We are blessed beyond measure, and as I take my eyes off all of our busy-ness and embrace all of the running to and fro without complaining, I see - we see - how truly blessed we are with this life that God has given us! But even in the midst of the blessing, I am still vulnerable to fear and allowing the burdens of everyday life to pile up. And it can be so easy, as I allow myself to become busy and distracted, to forget to go to the Source of my strength. To drink daily from the river of Living Water. When I try and do life on my own without God, I may keep up for a while but life always outruns me. And as I get further and further behind that's when the desperation and fear begins to build and I become overwhelmed. Distracted. And I miss the turn into McDonalds. But when I quiet my heart and listen, I can hear the voice of Jesus whisper in my ear "where are you going? I'm back here..."

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

Heat is a good thing

Yesterday afternoon the boys and I were sitting in the living room, all warm and cozy, because it was way too cold to be outside (I think the high was like 8). Nick and I were "beading" which for you not in the know, that is making necklaces, bracelets etc. out of beads. Nick, by the way, made a very cool watchband with brown and blue stones. Kyle was busy drumming along with Michael W. Smith's concert dvd. All was good.

Then I noticed it was getting a little chilly in the house. Oh, I must have forgotten to turn the heat back up after getting home from church. So I turned the thermostat up and did not hear the furnace kick in. So I turn it down and back up again - kind of like when a button doesn't work the first time, you think it's going to work if you push it twelve more times.

This goes on for a minute or so until I realize. Uh oh. The last time I checked that little gauge thingy on top of the fuel tank there was about 50 gallons left. That was a few weeks ago and since the furnace goes through about 2-3 gallons a day...well, you do the math.

Because obviously I did not.

If you aren't in the know about fuel oil heat, it's that big tank in my basement (painted the same red color as the wall to disguise it's bigness) and that's what fuels the furnace. There is a pipe that runs outside the house and they come with a big truck and pump the fuel into your house just like you would pump gas into your car. "They" being the fuel guys and "come" meaning you have to call them. In advance...meaning before you are out of fuel. You see where this has gone...I did not call and they did not come.

For about an hour I considered waiting until morning to get fuel. I set up heaters in our bedrooms, it would be a little chilly, kind of like camping, right? We'd be fine. Then I remembered how cold it feels in the house in the fall, before I have turned on the furnace for the year and it gets down to like 55 in the house. And today it's 8 degrees outside.

Again with the math.

So, I called the emergency fuel # and got Joe Fuel Guy on the phone. I told him the problem and asked if he can help. He asked me if I have a man around. I say no (and resisted the urge to go into a polite rant about how I am capable of doing anything that a man would do except lift heavy objects and pee standing up - which I probably could do but it would be messy). And then he asked how old I am...who is this guy, and why does he want to know if I'm alone and how old I am? I said "why do you want to know that???" He back-pedalled like crazy, saying he didn't mean anything improper but was just needing to know if I was a little old lady who wouldn't be able to help him and if I was a little old lady that was ok he would bring someone to help him. I just laughed and he said he'll be right over with the fuel.

The boys in the mean time, in case you were wondering, were totally unconcerned that the house was getting colder by the second. Good, no permanent psychological damage done.

So, here comes Joe Fuel Guy...dirty overalls, red plaid jacket with holes all over it. Long, unkempt mustache with a little supper still clinging to it. Just exactly like you would picture a fuel guy. He apologized profusely for the questions he asked on the phone and said that his wife chewed him out for it "do you realize how that sounded?!". Yes I did actually. Really he was a very nice man and not in the least bit irritated that he had to go out in the cold to rescue us. In fact he kept apologizing for how much he had to charge me to do so!

So...after getting the furnace started again (and paying the $45 emergency service fee - doh!) we had heat. Lesson learned - pay close attention to how full the tank is and don't wait until you run out and have a crisis.

It's the same way with God. How often do we neglect our relationship with Him, going days or weeks (or longer) without really spending time in the Word, and in prayer? Our tank gets lower and lower and if we don't pay attention and check the gauge in our hearts, we can miss it. Until it's empty and we are faced with a crisis. Our soul is parched and empty and we grow cold. Weary. Discouraged. Empty. It is nice to be rescued, but it is so much more comfortable to stay filled up. But if we do find ourselves with an empty tank (again) the good news is we can always call the Fuel Guy - and He will show up. Every time. At any hour. He will not be the least bit irritated that we ran out of fuel and called him in desperation.

Ever.

And the best part? It's free.

"Whoever is thirsty, let him come; and whoever wishes, let him take the free gift of the water of life." Revelation 22:17

"Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost." Isaiah 55:1

Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty." John 6:35