It's funny what turning 50 will do!

Half a century.  I remember teasing my dad when he turned 50 that he was "half a century old"!  I thought I was hilarious then....and now, here I am.  50.  Half a - well, you know.

I have sort of read the book "The Blue Zones" (sort of, meaning I have read alot of it and skimmed the rest).  It's about certain areas in the world where people live the longest, healthiest lives.  They have the highest concentrations of centenarians...people who live to be 100 or more.  Essentially, their secret is simple:  stay active, don't stress, don't eat too much, eat healthy (whole foods, mostly plants), slow down, know your purpose in life, have faith, spend time with your "tribe", love your family, and (my favorite) have a glass of wine!

Just kidding, that's not my favorite.

Ok, sometimes it is.

I love it.  It's so simple, isn't it?  It makes so much sense to me.  So, why then is it so hard to actually live that way?  

Now that I have crossed the bridge of being a "half century old", I am finding myself doing a life review of sorts.  That's nothing new for me, I do this every year around this time and during various changes in the seasons of my life...like empty nest, new job, new husband, new kids, new church, yoga pants.  But this turning 50 thing feels a bit more significant to me.  How have I lived my life so far...and how do I want to live the rest of it?  There is a temptation to think that I am in the "later" years of life now.  Yuck.  Society says I'm only 15 years from retirement.  That may or may not be true for me.  My mom died at 71...that's only 20 years away for me. (Swallows hard).  That's a little more unnerving.  My mom died far too young, and she got old way too early in life.  I loved her, but honestly, she lived like an elderly person for much of her life.  Even when I was a kid she was very sedentary, and limited herself more and more with each passing year.  "I'm too old for that" was a common thing to hear her say.  It was annoying and also sad to watch.

I don't want that to be my story.  I refuse to let it be.  

I heard a quote recently...aging is inevitable, but getting old is optional!  I LOVE that!  I am determined to live my best life.  I'm not there yet.  To be completely transparent, I weight twice what I should.  I have diabetes, high blood pressure and cholesterol.  They are controlled with medication for now, but I am determined to change that and hopefully get off this medication all together.  I know I can, I have the means and the ability, and now I have the motivation.  It's not too late...as long as I don't put it off any longer.  

Living my best life is not only about my physical health...but that is a big part of it.  I want to not only improve and hopefully eliminate the conditions I have, but I also want to have the energy and stamina to do things.  Like hiking in Hawaii and Colorado, climbing the trails to Garvin and Sugar Loaf.  I want to run a 5k, bike the trails around Lanesboro, and heck - walk around the big lake again.  I want to enjoy these things with my husband, our grandkids, and my girlfriends. I want my weight to no longer hinder me from living a vibrant, active life!

Will I live to be a centenarian?  Who knows...maybe I will!  But however long I have on this earth, whether that's 20, 30, 40 or even 50 more years, I want to live my best life, my healthiest life, without limits.  

Being a half century old isn't so bad after all, Dad :) 

Praise workouts and the way it's (not) supposed to be

So I started working out.  Every morning for the past week (not including the weekend because that's just crazy talk) I have set my alarm for 5:45am, which is 1/2 hour earlier than I used to, and I have been actually getting out of bed and starting my workout by 6am.

Not to be all braggy, but this is a big deal for me!  I have not stuck to a workout plan for, oh I don't know, several decades so I'm kinda happy with myself for sticking to this one for a whole week.  And I am enjoying it so much that I don't see me stopping anytime soon...hopefully never.  

Before you are too impressed, I'm not talking about a high energy, aerobic sweatfest.  I'm doing a very low impact stretching and toning routine that I like to call "not-yoga".  It's similar to yoga I suppose, but without the spiritual stuff because this girl don't do that.  (Except for goat yoga.  That is actually an actual thing!  I might have to try that sometime because, baby goats!).  

I've been doing a variation of my not-yoga routine since high school, and I literally noticed the benefits on the very first day.  I have more energy and feel more relaxed all day long.  And it's more than just a workout...I made a playlist of worship songs that lasts for almost exactly 30 minutes (so I don't have to keep checking the clock) and I am using that time for praise or prayer, or both.  What I, for years didn't think I could do (make time to work out OR get up earlier than I had to) has now become the best part of my day.  I look forward to getting up and don't keep hitting the snooze (also, putting my alarm clock a little farther away helps with that little habit).  

And...I feel closer to God, and that is the absolute best.

So after my praise workout - yes!  I'm going to call it my praise workout now!!  So much better than not-yoga :)  After my praise workout I resist the urge to flop on my bed and waste time on facebook, and I put on a podcast instead.  I had been listening to Joyce Meyer's podcast for the past several months while getting ready for work, but a couple weeks ago I started listening to the Proverbs 31 podcast.  It is nothing short of life changing for me.  I'm in the middle of the "Therapy and Theology" series, which is a great follow up to the bible study I just finished on Lysa Terkeurst's book "It's Not Supposed To Be This Way".  

Also life changing.

I seriously needed that book, and this podcast, at this exact time of my life.  Both have helped me on so many levels and I know I am going to be camping on them for some time to come.  And by camping, I mean re-reading the book and things I've hi-lighted in it, going over my study notes, and listening to the podcasts over and possibly over again.  I need repetition to truly learn something.  Some people can hear things once and get it.  I tend to need to go over things two or ten times before I truly retain it and am able to apply the concepts to my life.  

And if I'm going to be totally transparent, there are multiple areas of my life right now that I could say, and some days scream...IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY!!!

1)  I'm SUPPOSED to have a house full of kids, and as I've already talked about here and here, I'm having some adjustment issues with our two babies graduating this year and the idea of an empty nest looming in our not-so-distant future.  Not only that (which is enough) but my male cherub is giving me an aneurysm with his lackadaisical attitude toward school...in this, the home stretch of his senior year.  

"I've got this, Mom", he says.  "Everything's fiiiine, Mother", he says.  

Meanwhile, I'm thinking he should be rounding third and running full bore for home plate, when in reality he is farting around somewhere near 2nd base...kicking the dirt and staring at his glove like he did in t-ball which was adorable back then.  Now, not so much.  

2)  Mr. Wonderful and I are SUPPOSED to have all the kinks worked out in our marriage, particularly in our parenting styles, but to be honest we have walked through some stuff.  Especially over the last five years. Hello counselor, my old friend....I've come to talk with you again...

3)  I'm SUPPOSED to be turning 40, not 50.  I'm not feeling 50.  It sounds old...at least older than I feel.  Maybe that's a good thing?  That I don't feel as old as I actually am?  I guess I don't mind it THAT much, I'm not hung up on age.  But it does feel weird.

4)  As we are approaching the end of our season of "raising children", I am doing a life review of sorts and there are some things that I wish we would have done.  And others I wish we would have done differently.  But one that I'm hung up on right now is that we were SUPPOSED to have taken more vacations as a family.  We wanted to, but as life moved along we never seemed to have the money or the time.  It was easier to pack up and go when the kids were pre-teens, before they had jobs and extra curriculars to keep us tied to home.  

Our kids haven't been deprived, and neither have Vince and I.  I know that.  We have all been on vacations, in various combinations of kids and parents, but we never took a real family vacation ALL together during their growing up years.  Which are now coming to an end.

Sigh.

We are however planning a real deal family vacation for this summer!  We are going to Okoboji, staying by a lake and doing lots of water fun and mini-golfing and game playing and relaxing.  And just being together.  

As I sit here typing that out, I realize that I need to just slap myself - and remember that it's not too late.  It will never be too late.  We will ALWAYS be a family and there will be countless opportunities in the years to come to make even more memories together.  I need to let go of the memories that we didn't make, remember the ones that we did, and look forward to the ones we have yet to make in the future.

And THAT's the way it's SUPPOSED to be :)

On getting older...part 3.

I can't watch the show Hoarders, it's too sad.  I've seen several episodes and what interests me most is why people live that way.  How in the world?  For the most part, each story is the same.  Something happens to them, usually a loss, and in their efforts to try to comfort themselves they begin to accumulate things.  They shop, they buy, they stuff...trying to fill the hole that their loss has left.  Nothing works, and in their efforts and their grief they lose touch with reality.  They stop smelling the stench, they stop seeing the mess.  It starts out slowly, and seemingly harmlessly until over time they discover they have buried themselves and it is so enormous that it becomes unmanageable.  Or worse yet, it becomes normal.

I watch it and it seems unreal to me...how can they do that to themselves?  It's easy to judge.  Until I realize that we are all capable of doing the same thing.  Maybe not physically, but we can become hoarders emotionally.  Holding on to hurts, bitterness, and loss.  Refusing to let go of the injustices, the what-ifs, the if-onlys.  We all have them, and if they are not dealt with and placed at the foot of the cross, they will accumulate slowly over time until one day we find ourselves buried.  Buried in the stench of an unforgiving heart.  Buried in the filth of bitterness that literally suffocates.  And it blinds us until we are unable to see through it all enough to see the light from Heaven that offers forgiveness, and purpose, and hope.

I see this in some of the elderly.  Those who have lived their lives hoarding emotional wounds and now find themselves at the end of their lives, reaping what they have sown.  There are no amount of activities, no amount of decorating to make the place feel "homey", no amount of visitors and volunteers and special dinners that will clear all this junk out of their hearts.  It holds them prisoner more than their failing health ever could, and keeps them from experiencing the peace and security and joy that should accompany each of us in our golden years.  It should be a time of remembrance and rest.  And for some it is.  Those are the people that everyone enjoys talking to.  They have a joyful heart, a story to tell, and a smile to share.  But the crabby ones, the complainers, the ones that strike out or lash out verbally, or worst of all...just sit there and refuse to talk to anyone.  It's a little harder with them.  Whether we see them at work or at church or in a restaurant or on the street corner begging for money.  They make us uncomfortable, fearful even and sometimes we avoid them altogether.    But they are the ones that Jesus reached out to, and He wants us to as well.  Anger masks hurt.  Complaining hides disappointment and emptiness of heart.  Loneliness manifests itself in silence. 

So, in this new mission field God has placed me in, I am eager to do something about it.  I want so badly to save everyone!  If I didn't have so much paperwork to do, I think I would go around and spend my days talking to people.  Holding their hands, praying with them, singing to them, talking and encouraging and loving them.  That's where my heart is, but time and my other responsibilities don't allow it nearly as often as I'd like.  But I do as much as I can, and one thing I've discovered is how easy it is to brighten someone's day.  Even on my way to a meeting, I can take a few minutes or even a few seconds to smile, talk, touch someone and lift their spirits.  They matter, those moments we are given to touch the life of another, and we are presented with them daily.  Do they change eternity?  Do they save the unsaved?  Maybe not in that moment, but they are opportunities to give them a glimpse of the Savior that they are desperate to know.

On getting older...part 2

So, as I sat through meeting after meeting in those first several weeks at my job and listened to the nurses talk about all the medical issues that people were dealing with and how to best treat each one, I began to decipher all the medical lingo.  While that was a relief (to finally understand what everyone was talking about) I couldn't understand why all these people had so many problems!  And everyone was talking about it like it was normal.  Infections, wounds, inability to walk and feed themselves and even swallow...and the cognitive issues.  Depression, confusion, dementia.  What in the world was going on?  Is this what happens when we age?  To all of us, or just some?  This can't be normal...or is it?

The principle of sowing and reaping is mentioned throughout the bible.  God has been teaching me a lot lately about this principle.  It has to do with the choices we make and the consequences of them.  There are always consequences...

"Don’t be misled—you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant. Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit."
Galatians 6:7-8

I used to be confused by this.  As Christians, I thought that accepting Jesus meant that He would save us from the consequences of our choices.  He would come in with his big eraser and take care of everything that I screwed up in my life.  I'm learning that is not entirely true.  While He paid the penalty for our sin in order to restore our relationship with God, and He offers TOTAL forgiveness, there are still consequences to our choices that we may have to live with on earth.  It isn't God's will, but in the areas that we don't surrender to Him, He does not always spare us from our choices.  From ourselves. 

Ouch.

Nowhere has this principle been shown to me so clearly as it has in the past few months.  The choices related to our physical health, I can understand.  How we take care of our bodies and invest in our health when we are young has a direct effect on our quality of life as we age.  Now there's a wake up call for me!  Hello!!  But as a social worker I am more focused on the mental, spiritual and emotional quality of peoples lives, and God is showing me that this principle very much applies to those areas  as well.  Everyday I see people living out the final years of their lives, reaping what they have sown...before their health, their independence and sometimes their minds have been stolen from them, or have simply slipped away.  While it's not true for everyone, far too many are overcome with loneliness.  Emptiness.  Hopelessness.    People who have lived their whole lives for themselves, pursuing their dreams, working hard, raising their families, placing their value and worth on the things they were able to do and accomplish and attain.  Now, as one by one those things have been stripped away from them, even in some cases their very dignity as they depend on others to do even the simplest of things for them, what are they left with? 

Without Christ, it's very simple.  They are left with nothing. 

Nothing to live for.  Nothing to pursue.  Nothing to value.  Nothing to hope for.  So they sit the days away and implode. Hopelessness is like a blanket that is draped over their souls and they have stopped trying.  Stopped living long before their lives are truly over.   It is nothing short of heartbreaking to me.

On getting older...part 1

It has been three months since I started my new job as a nursing home social worker.  It's something I've wanted to do on & off for years, ever since my sister fulfilled that role at the small town nursing home she worked at years ago.  Now here I am, 20+ years into my career and it was time for a change.  I've had a few changes, so this wasn't the first, but it is definitely one of the most significant.  My first social worky job out of college was working with adults with developmental disabilities and I was in that field for 15 years.  I loved it, but after that amount of time I was ready for a change.  My next venture for the following 5 years was working with children with autism.  Loved that as well.  It was HARD work tho, very physical and I finally decided when I began having trouble with my knees that maybe I was getting too old to be sitting on toddler chairs and running (yes running) around after kids all day.  Last year I took a position at the middle school as a para...not exactly my field but I did it for a couple of reasons.  I wanted the opportunity to work with adolescents, wanted to be in Winona (I had been commuting to Rochester for 2 years) and I wanted to have the same schedule as our kids.   It was a great experience!  One I intended to continue (I was secretly hoping it would give me an "in" in the school district which may lead to a school social work position at some point).  But when this opportunity arose last summer I definitely felt called to accept.

So here I am...my first experience in the medical field and it's very different.  It's like they are speaking a different language, those nurses.  My first several weeks there I would sit through meetings and take notes, not having a clue what the heck they were talking about a majority of the time until I started asking more questions and figuring out all the medical lingo (I bet you don't know what EA of 1 means, or SOB or mechanical soft).  Google comes in really handy for things like that!  I won't lie, it was pretty overwhelming at first.  But now that I'm a few months into this I feel like I can take a deep breath and say "ok, I am beginning to get this now".  

I look at this, and every job I've had, as a ministry.  This is where God has placed me to make a difference.  In the lives of these people.  Right now.  I have prayed a lot about my role there and wanting to have an impact.  I am so thankful that I work for a place that values spirituality and embraces it even.  It is not unusual or questioned if anyone wants to pray with someone or talk about things of faith.  I realize what a blessing that is as a Christian, because so many places that is not accepted or even allowed. 

Embracing 40

Nothing like hanging out with 20 & 30 somethings everyday to make you want to hi-light your hair, lose a hundred or so pounds, and say "I know, right?" alot.  Such is life at my new job ~ which incidently I absolutely LOVE!  The kids are amazing, and everyone I work with is fantastic....everyone.   I am the new kid on the block, and also am one of the "older" ones.  Ewww...did I just say that?  I'm used to being one of the younger ones, or at least working with people who are mostly my age and know who Little River Band is. 

I'm learning alot.  Besides all the professional stuff, I'm having some other very profound and life altering revelations, the biggest I'd have to say is this...

No one wears big poofy hair scrunchies anymore.  You know the ones that you have that match all your outfits (oh wait, that's just me).  Yea, no one wears them anymore.  Why was I not informed of this?  It's all little elastic hair bands now, like I wore when I was 10, before the big hair and oh so fashionable scrunchies of the 80's.  I realize that I am probably a decade or two late in making this revelation, but seriously no one told me.

So, I guess it's time to say goodbye (sigh) to my favorite powder blue scrunchie that goes PERFECTLY with my faded denim vest - which I refuse to give up.  (Sorry, I will hang on to that with a death grip until the seams rip out, so everyone will just have to chillax about it). 

But it will not be goodbye forever.  Oh, no.  I'm stashing them safely away in my closet because someday... someday they'll be back.  Oh yes they will.  And when that glorious day comes, I'll be ready...armed with a rainbow of earth toned scrunchies that will look amazing in my big spiral permed hair...which I also miss terribly and needs to make a comeback.  I know, right?