What's happening

 It's more of a statement than a question...or I guess it's both.  

What's happening.

I have a confession to make.  2021 has kicked my butt.  There I said it.  No sugar coating, just being real.  I'm not going to pretend that I've been riding waves of strength and peace as I've navigated through this past half-a-year since Vince's heart issues began (or surfaced, rather).  They began long before that day that he had his first heart attack in May and I suppose that's the root of my problem.  

It snuck up on him, and thus, us.  

And that's always been my greatest fear...being blind-sided.  Scary things are lurking in the dark and without warning, they will jump out and attack.  Call it fear of the unknown.  Paranoia.  Whatever.  I've struggled with it my entire life.  I'm afraid to be happy and calm because then I let my guard down and am not prepared for the thing.  

The thing that's lurking, taunting me, waiting to pounce.

And it leaves me in a constant state of fear of what if...what's next.  What's the next bad thing that's going to happen.  And it's this fear that steals my joy, and sometimes my faith.

Here's where I'm supposed to trust God.  I'm so tired of being afraid.  Trying to drown my fear with food, distraction, avoidance doesn't work in the long run, it just leaves me tired and parched, feeling weak and defeated.  

I don't really have the answers right now.  It's 3am and I'm tired.  What I do know is this...the truth does not depend on my feelings.  And the truth is that I have victory in Christ.  He has not left me alone to fight my battles without weapons.  He is there and gives me all that I need to live a victorious life.  The answer is in scripture, in Jesus Himself.  

That's where my focus needs to be...not on my circumstances, or my fears, but on Him.  I need to get on with living and not wait until things aren't hard in life to be happy.  Thank you God for restoring my peace and joy!  

Thank you for being my Savior tonight.

A spider in the toilet and other things that I didn't expect

I'm still not over the trauma of seeing a gargantuan black spider baby tarantula in my bathroom sink in the middle of the night a few years ago when I had to wake Mr. W to come and kill it for me (which he did like the superhero that he is).  I still think about it when I use the bathroom at night.  Once in a lifetime should be enough for a horror like that, but alas, last night either God or Satan thought I needed another experience of exposure therapy to either help alleviate my fears or re-traumatize me.  I haven't decided which yet.   I prolly shouldn't turn the light on when I get up to use the bathroom in the night, because then what I'm not aware of won't bother me.  But it's too late now, last night I did and now I know about it and IT BOTHERS ME.

I have this thing I like to do, it's super fun and it's called "ruminating over things that frighten or otherwise upset me until I am 10 times more upset about it than I was when the thing actually happened".  I've been doing it my whole life and thus I'm very skilled at it.  It works with most situations.  Take last night for example when I saw the spider in the toilet.  It surprised me, I flushed it down, did my business and went back to bed.  End of story - right?!  

Not so fast, amateurs.  I couldn't leave it at that...I had to lay there awake imagining how the spider got into the toilet, it must have climbed up the tank which means that spiders could be lurking in, on or around my toilet at any given moment including under the seat so now I need to check in on and around the toilet and under the seat EVERY SINGLE TIME or one could end up crawling on me when I sit.  Sweet.  Oh, and it must have crawled across the house and into our bedroom and past our bed to get to the bathroom and, well that means one could easily be IN MY BED RIGHT NOW so for every night for the foreseeable forever I get to check my bed for spiders before I get in.

See how that works?  Like I said, super fun.  

Now imagine what my mind has been doing since Mr. W's heart issues, which are a bit of a bigger deal than spiders.  

The difference with the heart issues is that I am not allowing my mind to go through all the scary scenarios like I do with the spiders.  I remind myself to trust God (which I do) and to focus on the positive (which I also do) and believe for healing and a long, wonderful future for us (which I also really do).  But like spiders, the worries and fears and what-ifs are still lurking in the dark corners of my mind, threatening to creep up unexpectedly and frighten or attack me without warning.  When I don't allow my mind to think about them, they reveal themselves in other ways.  

An ever present undercurrent of anxiety and fear, insomnia, panic attacks.  

They emerge at night (of course) and keep me awake.  My go-to has been to numb out on TV or food (or both) but that has not helped.  I should know this, it never does.  Well it maybe works in the short term for smaller issues.  But when it's a soul issue like this that has deep roots and a long reach, it needs to be brought straight to Jesus at the foot of the cross.  The foot of the cross, where the soil is wet with His blood and rich with healing and redemption.  Spiders can't remain there, they scatter at the sound of my fists pounding in the mud as my soul cries and wails.  And when He lifts my head, and speaks gently to me, I strain to hear His voice but He is patient with me.  He waits until I have the strength to look into His eyes and hear what He has to say.  He tells me He's got me.  He's got us.  It's going to be alright, He is with us and will never leave.  

And He reminds me...He is there in the dark too. 

Because It Does

With everything that's been going on you'd think I'd be writing more.  One thing I've learned about myself...when I'm a little stressed I talk a lot.  When I'm super stressed...

I get quiet.  I shut down.  At least for a time.

But after a while I need to start opening up, or else all the thoughts and feelings and anxiety starts revealing itself in not so happy ways.  

Panic attacks.

Insomnia.

Feeling like something is squeezing my chest and making it difficult to breathe.

Tired all the time.

Overwhelmed.

I'm learning that it's possible to feel all these things and yet still trust God.  I used to berate myself when I got anxious or overwhelmed - thinking it was a sign of a lack of faith.  The more I get to know God, I realize that He wants me to bring these emotions to Him, not try to erase them or hide them from Him, or from others, and even from myself.  

I've spent a significant amount of my life pretending that everything was ok.  Even in the worst of circumstances, I can convince others and even myself that I'm fine.  And I even believe it sometimes.  I numb out with a variety of things (food has always been my favorite) that shield me from experiencing the thing, maybe not completely but at least not so intensely.   

I think in a crisis that defense mechanism can be useful and helpful to get through it.  But there comes a time when the numbing out isn't healthy anymore and I have to peel away some layers and deal with them.  

I'm there.

For someone who has lived a lifetime with an intense fear of something going wrong at any moment, the rug being pulled out from under my feet, or getting blind-sided by something unexpected and painful and terrifying...having your husband almost die from a "widow maker" heart attack can threaten to reclaim all the ground you have gained in prayer and therapy.

Here's where I'm tempted to get all "BUT GOD!" and tell of how He has given me amazing peace and unwavering faith and how He's carried me through and I've come out stronger on the other side of this.  

That would sound pretty impressive and spiritual and I'd probably hear a lot of amens.  But I'd be pretending again.  At least partly.  

The truth is, God has given me peace.  And He's also let me experience being terrified.  Maybe so I'd cling to Him harder.  And maybe so I learn on a deeper level to trust Him to be with me and give me what I need in the moment, no matter what happens.  

Even if the worst happens.

God has given me strength to be there for my husband when he has needed me most.  And God has also let me experience feeling weak and overwhelmed and scared.  

Maybe so I'd cling to Him harder.  

As if my life depended on Him.

Because it does.  

19 Things to focus on instead of COVID!

Wow.  Looking at my last post, just four weeks ago, it seems like forever since things were normal.

Well.

Here is how I’m handling ALL THE THINGS right now. I thought I'd share my thoughts because maybe some of this will be encouraging – and will also be here for me to remind my OWN self when I need it!

1) Communicate. Call and video chat with family and friends. Talk with your people you live with. Check in with each other. Share your frustrations, fears, worries, and stresses. Don’t keep it all to yourself. Sharing is healing.

2) Remember – this will pass. We will not be isolating and living in this uncertainty forever.

3) Do what you can…and then let it go. It’s easy to get consumed with sanitizing EVERY SINGLE THING and then looking around wondering if THIS has germs on it, or maybe THAT over there…ugh. That’s a spiral I don’t need to swirl in. So, I have made a plan for myself and my home. We sanitize:
· When we get home (hands, phones, keys, purse handles, water cups).
· When we get in our car after being out in public.
· At least once a day go through the house and get light switches, counters, handles, buttons, keyboards, and remotes.
· And then…let it go. Seriously, let go of it. Don’t allow myself to worry and obsess.

4) Help others. There are opportunities out there to help those who are unable to help themselves.  Even from our homes.  There are community groups (like the Facebook group "Winona Neighbors Helping Neighbors") who have banded together and are offering help to those who are isolated and don’t have the resources to get what they need.  As long as I am able to, I’m going to continue to help. If I get sick, I’m going to get sick helping people.

5) Sing! Sing loud and often and crazy!  80’s pop!  Hard rock! Get your country on! Or go mellow. Whatever gets your energy out or gets you to take a deep breath and relax. Music is therapy.

6) Pray! God is not surprised by this. He knows what’s going on, and how and when it will end. He has a purpose in this, and He is our only hope - not only now but always.

7) Laugh! Watch funny movies, share Facebook memes. Laughter is healing.

8) Youtube happy things - puppy and kitten videos, penguins walking down stairs, and seals. Oh my word, the seals!  Watching baby seals play make me soooo happy. Google family photo fails. I call this “Penelope Therapy” (Criminal Minds fans will know what I mean).

9) Connect – organize a group chat, a group sing, an online game, or whatever we can do to spend time together and see each other’s faces. Not sure what this will look like yet, but this weekend we are going to organize a virtual family game of Catan!

10) Turn off the dang news. I check in with the news once (ok twice) a day so I am informed, but then I make myself leave it alone. I don’t need to inundate myself with this, it only breeds fear and worry. God is bigger than all the predictions that are being thrown around. He’s teaching us to trust and rely on Him, not the government or even the medical community. I don’t need to listen to what everyone is saying, I need to listen to Him.

11) Move! I’m still working at my job for now so I’m not sitting around ALL day, but when I’m home I need to move. I haven’t been working out like I was for the past few weeks, and my body feels it. I need to go for a walk outside, do my Beachbody workouts, stretch. Again, reminding myself here :)

12) Go outside. I CRAVE fresh air (as my family will attest when I whip open all the windows and declare that we NEED SOME FRESH AIR IN HERE!) Nature is therapeutic for me. Listening to the birds, feeling the breeze and sunshine on my face, taking in a deep breath of fresh air and watching the clouds. Get me by a waterfall and forget it. I’ll sit there for hours if you let me.

13) Create. I love to write – blogging, journaling, even doodling. I also love to cook, bake, and play my (out of tune) piano.

14) Clean & organize. This is also therapeutic for me, and if you’ve been to certain areas of our house lately (eh-hem, our office and storage room) you will see that I NEED SOME THERAPY!

15) Light a yummy smelling candle. I especially love the ones that crackle. That alone reaches 3 of our 5 senses!

16) Practice mindfulness. I’m not talking about in a weird spiritual kind of way, but as a therapeutic technique. Mindfulness is simply being aware and present in the moment and focusing on what is going on in and around you (a.k.a. getting out of your head). Focus on your 5 senses…what can you see, hear, feel, taste and touch right now? Especially if you find yourself getting anxious or overwhelmed or ruminating on negative thoughts…focus on one or all of your senses and break out of that cycle in your mind that is taking you nowhere but to Anxietyville. (I have spent a lot of time there, I know it well).

17) Realize what is truly important in life. I think we are all doing this right now on a new level. Basic needs are no longer taken for granted (I’ve never been so happy to have toilet paper before). I miss being close to people (I’m a hugger), seeing people’s smile (we are all wearing masks at work), and going to coffee shops (Jesus, take the wheel).

18) Remember all of this after the crisis is over. Nearly every generation goes through some type of crisis, and we learn some valuable lessons through experiencing them that we maybe would never learn if life was always calm and good and predictable. As bad as things are (this is difficult, not gonna sugar coat it), many have lived through far worse than what we are experiencing now. The Vietnam War. The Great Depression. The Holocaust. The Macarena. Let’s keep things in perspective.

19) Lastly, and MOST importantly….TRUST God. Just trust Him. Tell Him all your worries and frustration and sadness and even anger. He knows it all anyway, and He tells us in His word that He wants us to bring all our cares to Him. He bears our burdens, heals our wounds, and guides us. He does not promise an easy life, or one free from crisis or heartache. But He promises to those who love Him that He will bring good out of EVERY situation. We have a good God who walks with us through every storm that we experience on this earth, and when our time is up He walks us into eternity with Him. That is what I hold onto.

PS, this is coming soon...

Journals and memories and realizing God is faithful

So, I dug out all of my journals the other day.  I have always loved writing.  I started keeping a diary when I was a young girl when I got this on my 11th birthday from my friend Marla.

Isn't it cute?!

I can't help you understand why I wrote about myself in the third person here on the cover. 

In the beginning I wrote about very important things in my life, such as what I ate that day (the food obsession started early), and what I did with my friends, and when my brother Alan was mean to me.  Oh, and of course the boys I had crushes on (that started early too).

...and then there was the occasional, random news report.  I can't help you understand that either.

I started reading some of my diary entries to my husband the other night and he was surprisingly uninterested.  Plus, it was a little disturbing for him to realize that when he was a junior in highschool, his future wife was writing in her kitty diary.

Moving on...

I have written journals all my life, and of course I have saved them all.

My writing has evolved over the years (thank goodness) from writing about my everyday experiences, to working through my feelings, to now where it is mostly prayers.  While it was fun to take a stroll down  memory lane, I wasn't exactly sure why I dug them out the other day?  After reading through my highschool journal and starting on my college ones, I started thinking why am I doing this?  I prepared to put them all away in the box I keep stored under my bed, but something stopped me.

So, I left them out on my dresser for a few more days, not really sure what to do with them.  Then it became clear to me.  I am doing a bible study right now called "Trustworthy" by Lysa Terkuerst (one of my favorite authors and speakers!) and it's amazing.

and when I read this, I knew...

God wants me to remember His faithfulness, and that will fuel my trust in Him.

There have been countless times in my life where He has shown His faithfulness to me.  Some that I can readily recall, but no doubt there are many other times that I didn't recognize at the time.  So, I think the reason He had me get my journals out was to go through them and look for evidence of His faithfulness in my life.

Remember.  Trust.

Yes.

After realizing this the other day, I was driving and thinking about all the events of my life.  I haven't written about everything, but many of the joys and especially the sorrows I did.  My thoughts wandered (of course) to all the mistakes that I've made.  All the times I didn't follow Him and went my own way and I found myself wondering what God must think of the story of my life.  In that moment I felt Him tell my heart "It's beautiful to Me".

What??  Beautiful?  He thinks my story is beautiful?

I knew that was from God because I would never say that to myself.

In that moment, it made no sense to me at all.  But also in that moment, I realized that maybe God looks at us and the seasons of our lives a little differently than we look at our own.  Maybe He doesn't look at our mistakes as failures (like we often do), but as opportunities to show Himself faithful.

Even if we don't realize it at the time, He will show us in His time.  In bible studies and journals written decades before, He shows His faithfulness.

When we are ready to receive it.

And when we do, it is life changing.

PS...the cute boy did ask me to skate :)

Eat. Move. Rest. Pray.

It's been a week of learning for me,  a lot of praying, and a little crying (mostly because of This is Us....my gosh I haven't cried so much over a TV show since Parenthood).

On Thursday, I met my friend Shannon at Caribou!  We've been friends for years, but it's been many moons since we have actually gotten together.  Whenever we would run into each other somewhere we would always say "let's get coffee!".  And so...we finally did and it was so great :)

We spent a couple hours sipping coffees, catching up on each other's lives, and sharing our health journeys.  Without telling too much of her story (it's hers to tell and she's more than happy to share it!) I will say that she has made some incredible changes to her health and has inspired me in a big way!  God has a way of making things happen at the just right time, and getting together with Shannon was definitely a God thing :)  

So, I was pretty excited about my "Half-Brained Healthy Life Plan" last week when I wrote about it.  To be honest, I thought it would be relatively easy.  I drink water all day long, I love vegetables, we have an awesome new workout room, and I had already made changes to my sleep habits for several months now.  Going to bed by 9-9:30pm and setting my alarm for 6am has been working great for me...until the last week or so.  Our dog Macey has been whining at night and despite trying many things (moving her kennel closer to our room, fluffing up her bed, giving her treats, putting on a fan for white noise) we can't figure out HOW TO MAKE IT STOP.  

We don't get it. She has slept in her kennel most nights of her life.  She loves her kennel...seriously, she does.  It's her den.  She usually goes back there on her own before we even go to bed and has never had a problem, until she was sick a couple weekends ago.  She's better now, but still wakes up at night and thus wakes US up with her whining.  Ugh.  It's almost like having a newborn again.

So...I've been tired. And when I'm tired, life is hard.  And when life is hard, I want to eat. And when I'm tired I don't want to work out.  Kinda like if you give a mouse a....dang it, now I want cookies.

I have made some good choices this past week though...let's focus on those, shall we?  

I've been bringing this snack to work everyday.  The picture makes it look huge, but I promise it's a normal sized apple.

And this has become our favorite evening snack.

Salmon patty and peas for my lunch on Sunday....one of my fav's!

Journaling the other morning, I had an epiphany.  My devotional reading was about (another God thing) cravings.  We were made to crave closeness with God, but too often we try to fill that craving with other things.  Things that never truly satisfy.  Food has been my biggest craving all my life.  And as soon as I try to limit what I eat, the cravings go crazy and in that regard, this week has been no different than any other time I have tried to get healthy.

Except this time I prayed for God to show me what to do.  I asked Him to show me how to live, and eat, and move, and rest.  And as I wrote out that prayer in my journal, there it was in my own hand writing...my answer.

Eat. Move. Rest. Pray.

Simple.  Sustainable.  Not always easy, but I can do hard things.  

I CAN DO HARD THINGS.  

20/20 Vision

Today was a good day.  First thing I did after waking up this morning was read my devotional and write in my journal.  My best days always start with that.  I'm not sure what it is, but I have always struggled with prayer.  I get so distracted sometimes and my thoughts go all over the place (shocking, I know).  Like I can be driving and praying about my day and a song comes on and suddenly it's 1984 and I'm in my best friend's basement wearing jeans and a hot pink sweatshirt singing "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" with too much eye shadow and a side ponytail.   But when I journal my prayers, I stay focused.  I start writing things I didn't even know I thought.  Or felt.  And I start to hear from God.

That's what happened today.  Usually in January I think about what my dreams and goals are for the new year.  MY vision...MY experiences...

But today, God gave me a new perspective.  What does HE want for me this year?  Not just what He wants me to do for Him, but He has dreams for me.  Things He wants me to experience, accomplish, and dream.  He wants me to experience JOY!  Jesus died to give me life, not just in Heaven but here on earth too.  And not just a life (as if that's not enough), but an ABUNDANT life!

"...I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." - John 10:10

I have always struggled with the concept that God wants us to have an "abundant life".  He wants us to be happy?  It seems kind of self-focused and shallow.  We aren't supposed to care about our own happiness, right?  I mean, the world chases after happiness and it often eludes us.  God wants us to bless others and not be focused on ourselves, that's true.  I get that.  But according to His Word, He also wants us to be blessed, full of joy, and to prosper...which doesn't necessarily mean wealth or the absence of trouble.  (I'm not a believer in the "prosperity gospel").  We can have joy, even in the midst of heartache and trials.  I've experienced that.  And I understand that He wants us to be fulfilled, spiritually and emotionally in Him.

But....the idea that He wants me to be happy.  That He has dreams for me.  The God of the universe has dreams for ME.  He wants me to experience things in this world for no other purpose than to enjoy them?  I'm going to have to pray about that some more.

Without the side ponytail.

Which I rocked, by the way.

40

I believe without a doubt that God works miracles.  He can and He does.  I know that is hard for some people to believe, but I believe it.  I think I always have.  Even so, when something happens where I actually see the undeniable evidence of what He's done in my life, it is nothing short of amazing to me!

On August 15th I posted this on Facebook:

It was the day that I started a book study with an amazing group of women that God brought together just for this study.  The book is called  "Made For This:  40 Days to Living Your Purpose".  It was the perfect time in my life for a study like this.  I had just lost my job the week before, and for many months prior to that I had been dealing with having an (almost) empty nest, changing churches (that process took a couple years actually) and turning the big 5-0 (seriously?).  Lots of transition going on and I was neck deep in my journey through the desert of redefining myself when the opportunity to study this book came along.  Man, was I ready.

My close friend Becky commented on my Facebook post, something like "wouldn't it be amazing if you got a job offer 40 days from now?"  I admit the thought had crossed my mind, but I deleted the comment because I hadn't shared with very many people that I had lost my job, and I didn't want it "out there".  

Well.

I wish now that I had left the comment there because last week, on September 24th,  I got a job offer!  I'm SOOOOOO excited!!  I can't stop thanking God for this answer to so many prayers. That evening I shared the news on our family chat in Messenger and our oldest daughter Brittany immediately asked me about the book.  She reminded me of the post I made on FB and then asked if I realized how many days there were between August 15th and that day...

Forty.  40 days.  Exactly 40 days.  

Chills.   

Undeniable evidence of God and confirmation of His promise that He has been working this out for good all along.  

I have to admit, this journey hasn't always felt good.  It was not easy for me to leave my previous job, and then when the one I left it for fell through, I was devastated.  But through it all, day after day I have been determined to believe this promise.  I have clung to it and that is SO not like me!  I mean, the "me" that I was before would have worried and stressed and asked God for help, but then doubted that things would actually work out for good.  But this time...I've learned to have hope, and faith - even before I saw any evidence of God working.  And then, not only did God come through with a great job for me, but as if He wanted to remove all doubt that might still be lurking in the corners of my brain, He tied a big fat bow on it!!

40 days.  Amazing.  

It's not just a coincidence.  40 has significant meaning in the bible, and it often symbolizes a trial period.  It rained on Noah's ark for 40 days while the earth flooded.  And Noah trusted God while the rain fell...before he ever saw dry land.  The Israelites wandered in the desert for 40 years, doubting and failing and regretting until they finally surrendered, obeyed God and believed...then came the promised land.  Jesus was tested in the desert for 40 days, the King of Heaven was hungry and tired and tempted...then came the victory.    

We're still going through the book, it's going to take more than 40 days for us to digest it all, but I can honestly say that for these past 40 days I have been seeking God more than I have in a long while.  Daily surrendering to Him.  Reminding myself to believe that He was working all things out for my good, even if I saw no evidence of anything happening.  Learning to desire His will for my life more than my own.  Realizing that if God is not in it, I will never truly succeed or be happy and fulfilled.  If I'd had my way, I would've went back to my old job and most likely stayed there forever (I'm not big on change, and when change results in a big fat belly flop, then I am REALLY not a fan.)   But if I did, if God had answered that prayer, I wouldn't have this new career opportunity that I am heading into, and probably wouldn't have done this book study either.  And just think of the blessing I would have missed...

So.  

This 40 day thing got me thinking...have there been other "40 days in the desert" experiences in my past that I have missed?  My first thought went to my time of singleness before Vince came into my life.  Without a doubt that was the longest journey I've walked in the desert.  It held some of my most painful days and lonely nights, but it was also one of my richest times of growing close to the Lord and deepening my faith.  

So, I thought I'd figure out how long was it from the time my first marriage ended until my friend Kari introduced me to Vince's blog, which (if you are familiar with our story, you know) eventually led me to him...

40 months.  Not even kidding.

I think I just heard a mic drop in Heaven.   

It always comes back to coffee, friends, and Jesus

One of the things I have missed about working in Winona was having coffee with friends after work.  Caribou and Blooming Grounds are my go-to places when I want to get comfy and talk with a good friend, or blog, or watch a bible study video (hello, Beth Moore!)  Today I got to do all three :)  

My day was going just kind of "eh", until I got a message from my friend Becky and 20 minutes later I was in my car on my way to Caribou for a couple hours.  It was nice!  Girlfriend time, bible study, and I wasn't mad about my iced caramel latte either.

It continues to be a challenge for me each day to not feel guilty about not having a job.  I have to remind myself, sometimes multiple times a day (or an hour) that God has ordained this time for me for a purpose.  He has me home right now, and my job is to seek Him.  To let go of my own feelings and self-imposed expectations, and seek His will for my life right now, each day.

Instead of focusing on his "big" will for my life (should I work or stay home?) I am asking Him to show me what He wants me to accomplish in this day.  The little, everyday opportunities that He places before me - I ask Him to help me see them and guide me through them.  How can I be a blessing today to my husband and kids, our family and friends, and even those I don't know personally?  Whenever I ask God to show me opportunities to be a blessing to others, I find my day is sprinkled with them. It's so fun!

I am learning to embrace the reality that I don't have to know what the future looks like right now.  And it's so freeing!  I know that I will know eventually, when God reveals it to me in His own way and time.  One thing I do know for sure right now...it will be good!

a new season

It's going on 3 weeks now that I have been home full time.  It feels better to say "being home" rather than "unemployed".  That sounds like something is missing but quite honestly, God has changed my thoughts on that.  I believe He is giving me this time to be home.  Where my heart has always been.

It feels so incredible to say that.  Be home.  It's something I have been praying for since I was pregnant with Nicolas...22 years ago.  I always wanted to be home with my kids but God waited until now to answer that prayer.  I don't know why it took this long, but I trust God that He knew what was best for us all along.  Maybe I wasn't ready until now?

Whatever the reason and for however long, I am learning to give myself permission to enjoy this time.  There are so many ways for me to be productive while I am home, and I'm SUPER excited about each one of them!

• First and most importantly...spend time with God.  Grow closer to him everyday through reading, studying and meditating on His Word, prayer and worship.
• Keep our finances in order and give our budget a reboot!
• Clean and organize our home, aka:  purge!  purge!  purge!  I've been posting some things for sale online to help bring in a little money, and will donate the rest (or toss it!)  I want to make our home a haven, especially for my husband.  He works hard and is on board with me staying home if I want to...which I am PRAISING GOD for!!!  He is amazing and I want him to be able to come home after working long days and relax and recharge without a stressed out, frazzled wife.  I want our home to be the place where our kids and grandkids come to relax, feel loved and a little pampered :)  I want us to have people over, have our home be warm and inviting to family and friends, and be able to focus on THEM and not stress about the condition of our house. 
• Cook!  I have time and motivation to prepare healthy, homemade meals and make eating out a special thing rather than a fall back because I'm exhausted.
• Spend time with our kids - even though they are grown, they still need me.  I love being available to go out to lunch or drop something off or meet them somewhere during the days.  They are busy and all have different schedules so being available to them is important to me. 
• Connect with other women, not only for myself but to encourage others which I believe is one of my gifts.  
• Get healthy!  I have the time to exercise now in our beautiful new exercise room, take a walk with our dog or with a friend. 
• Enjoy my life!  Get back to some of the things that bring me joy...playing piano, photography, nature. 

I'm so excited to see what God does in my life, OUR lives during this new season!  I'm not going to feel guilty about it.  I trust Him, in His leading and timing, and in all that He is going to do!

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."  John 10:10

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us..."  Ephesians 3:20

So this is what peace feels like

I really shouldn't be feeling peaceful right now.  A week ago I lost my job.  No warning, no explanation, just boom.

It was shocking, it was confusing, it was scary, and I was sad.  I felt betrayed and defeated.  I wanted them to be sorry and realize how badly they had treated me.  I wanted validation.  

I didn't get those things, and I'm glad I didn't because it would have only led to bitterness and anxiety.  Instead, I have turned to the Lord.  I am letting Him teach me how to trust Him.  Even when I don't understand, when it's not fair or right, and when I can't see the path in front of me.  I am learning that He is in control.  I have no doubt that God led me to that job, and that he brought me out of it at just the right time.  I don't know what His purpose was, or what everyone there truly thinks of me, but what I do know is that God had a purpose for my time there and what everyone thinks is not my concern.  He will deal with them and I can let it go and leave it in God's hands to do as He wishes.

That brings peace. 

I have been trusting Him to open doors and close others, so when that happens who am I to question it?  I'll admit, the first couple of hours I was questioning what God was doing.  Did He bring me there just to fail?  Was I mistaken to have left my previous job and take this one?  If it was His will, why did it end so soon, and so badly?  Was it my fault?  

Then as I turned to Him in prayer, He reassured me that He has had a plan all along.  His purposes are for my good, and He will reveal His plan for me in His own timing. 

And that brings peace. 

I am learning to rely on God's manna each day.  I only need to be concerned with each day as I live it.  I can't look too far into the future and wonder or worry, and I can't keep ruminating on the past.  Neither does any good at all.

While I don't know all the why's, I do know that it was 6 weeks of mental and physical exhaustion and I'm glad to be free of it.  I haven't felt this much peace in a while...and I have a feeling this is only the beginning.

Praise workouts and the way it's (not) supposed to be

So I started working out.  Every morning for the past week (not including the weekend because that's just crazy talk) I have set my alarm for 5:45am, which is 1/2 hour earlier than I used to, and I have been actually getting out of bed and starting my workout by 6am.

Not to be all braggy, but this is a big deal for me!  I have not stuck to a workout plan for, oh I don't know, several decades so I'm kinda happy with myself for sticking to this one for a whole week.  And I am enjoying it so much that I don't see me stopping anytime soon...hopefully never.  

Before you are too impressed, I'm not talking about a high energy, aerobic sweatfest.  I'm doing a very low impact stretching and toning routine that I like to call "not-yoga".  It's similar to yoga I suppose, but without the spiritual stuff because this girl don't do that.  (Except for goat yoga.  That is actually an actual thing!  I might have to try that sometime because, baby goats!).  

I've been doing a variation of my not-yoga routine since high school, and I literally noticed the benefits on the very first day.  I have more energy and feel more relaxed all day long.  And it's more than just a workout...I made a playlist of worship songs that lasts for almost exactly 30 minutes (so I don't have to keep checking the clock) and I am using that time for praise or prayer, or both.  What I, for years didn't think I could do (make time to work out OR get up earlier than I had to) has now become the best part of my day.  I look forward to getting up and don't keep hitting the snooze (also, putting my alarm clock a little farther away helps with that little habit).  

And...I feel closer to God, and that is the absolute best.

So after my praise workout - yes!  I'm going to call it my praise workout now!!  So much better than not-yoga :)  After my praise workout I resist the urge to flop on my bed and waste time on facebook, and I put on a podcast instead.  I had been listening to Joyce Meyer's podcast for the past several months while getting ready for work, but a couple weeks ago I started listening to the Proverbs 31 podcast.  It is nothing short of life changing for me.  I'm in the middle of the "Therapy and Theology" series, which is a great follow up to the bible study I just finished on Lysa Terkeurst's book "It's Not Supposed To Be This Way".  

Also life changing.

I seriously needed that book, and this podcast, at this exact time of my life.  Both have helped me on so many levels and I know I am going to be camping on them for some time to come.  And by camping, I mean re-reading the book and things I've hi-lighted in it, going over my study notes, and listening to the podcasts over and possibly over again.  I need repetition to truly learn something.  Some people can hear things once and get it.  I tend to need to go over things two or ten times before I truly retain it and am able to apply the concepts to my life.  

And if I'm going to be totally transparent, there are multiple areas of my life right now that I could say, and some days scream...IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY!!!

1)  I'm SUPPOSED to have a house full of kids, and as I've already talked about here and here, I'm having some adjustment issues with our two babies graduating this year and the idea of an empty nest looming in our not-so-distant future.  Not only that (which is enough) but my male cherub is giving me an aneurysm with his lackadaisical attitude toward school...in this, the home stretch of his senior year.  

"I've got this, Mom", he says.  "Everything's fiiiine, Mother", he says.  

Meanwhile, I'm thinking he should be rounding third and running full bore for home plate, when in reality he is farting around somewhere near 2nd base...kicking the dirt and staring at his glove like he did in t-ball which was adorable back then.  Now, not so much.  

2)  Mr. Wonderful and I are SUPPOSED to have all the kinks worked out in our marriage, particularly in our parenting styles, but to be honest we have walked through some stuff.  Especially over the last five years. Hello counselor, my old friend....I've come to talk with you again...

3)  I'm SUPPOSED to be turning 40, not 50.  I'm not feeling 50.  It sounds old...at least older than I feel.  Maybe that's a good thing?  That I don't feel as old as I actually am?  I guess I don't mind it THAT much, I'm not hung up on age.  But it does feel weird.

4)  As we are approaching the end of our season of "raising children", I am doing a life review of sorts and there are some things that I wish we would have done.  And others I wish we would have done differently.  But one that I'm hung up on right now is that we were SUPPOSED to have taken more vacations as a family.  We wanted to, but as life moved along we never seemed to have the money or the time.  It was easier to pack up and go when the kids were pre-teens, before they had jobs and extra curriculars to keep us tied to home.  

Our kids haven't been deprived, and neither have Vince and I.  I know that.  We have all been on vacations, in various combinations of kids and parents, but we never took a real family vacation ALL together during their growing up years.  Which are now coming to an end.

Sigh.

We are however planning a real deal family vacation for this summer!  We are going to Okoboji, staying by a lake and doing lots of water fun and mini-golfing and game playing and relaxing.  And just being together.  

As I sit here typing that out, I realize that I need to just slap myself - and remember that it's not too late.  It will never be too late.  We will ALWAYS be a family and there will be countless opportunities in the years to come to make even more memories together.  I need to let go of the memories that we didn't make, remember the ones that we did, and look forward to the ones we have yet to make in the future.

And THAT's the way it's SUPPOSED to be :)

Coming home

It's been a bit of a stormy day today.  It started out warm, probably the last hot day of the year because after today it is supposed to be in the 60's and 70's, which is just the way I like it!  By mid afternoon it got pretty dark and thunderstormy.  Luckily it let up just as I was leaving work.  I needed to stop at Shopko for a few necessities and just as I was walking to my car the rain picked up again.  Sometimes I get lucky like that :)

After supper I opened windows and was pleasantly surprised by how much the rain had cooled things off...it's down-right cold out now!  So on with the sweatshirt, slippers and blanket.  My favorite time of year has arrived :)

This was our Macers on Friday night...I LOVE it when she curls up and puts her paw over her nose, all baby.  She has really mellowed into a lovable, sweet dog.  Every morning she is happy, and every time we walk in the door, even if we only go out to the garage for 10 seconds, she is excited to see us :)

Saturday I went to Radiant Church for a Beth Moore Simulcast!  It's been a while since I did anything with women's ministry and I have really missed it.

It was time.

Just walking through the door made me feel like I was coming home.  I have missed it.  This is/was my church home for 17 years.  These past two years that we've been going to Pleasant Valley have been an adjustment.  It's a wonderful church - they both are.  But PV is much bigger and that takes some getting used to.  For a long time we felt kind of anonymous there.  Nobody really noticed if we were there or not, or so it seemed.

I had some serious homesick feelings on Saturday...so many friends, true friends that I hadn't seen since the last women's event that I attended shared warm hugs and "I miss you's".   Walking through the lobby, into the bathroom and past the library and the offices and kitchen.  I know every room.  I know what's in the cupboards in the kitchen.  It's still home to me.

I began praying for God to make a way for us to return, if that is where He wants us to be.  I knew how my heart was feeling, but it's not just about me.  Kyle and Hope have connections at PV, they are the reason we switched churches.  They were very involved in the youth group there, and when your highschoolers are engaged and excited about church...you listen.  You make that a priority over your own nostalgic feelings.  We only have so many years with them.

And then there's Jaden...our sweet grandson!  He loves kids church at PV, and we need to make it a priority to get him there regularly.

There were moments on Saturday that I just about broke out in tears...it felt so wonderful just to be there, with my sisters in Christ, worshipping and sensing the presence of God so strong in that room full of believing women.  Some obviously struggling, being hugged and prayed for and encouraged. I walked away feeling hopeful and loved and refreshed.

Sunday morning, Mr. Wonderful and I shared breakfast at Bonnie Raes before church.  I was already praying as I was getting ready, feeling like the things Beth Moore was teaching about yesterday were just too good to be true.

We are the bride of Christ.

I am beloved to Jesus.

He loves us with an everlasting, unfathomable love.

It's too good to be true, God.

I mean, I know it's true because Your Word says it is.

Sometimes my heart just can't comprehend, or dare I say believe it.  This is why the disciples said to Jesus, "I believe, Lord.  Help me with my unbelief."  That makes sense to me now!  Help me believe with my whole self...mind, heart and soul.

(Just look at that face...he really is as sweet as he looks!) 

My prayers were answered once we got to PV on Sunday morning... after chatting with a friend about an upcoming ministry gathering she is coordinating, which led to a conversation about how much we are loved by Jesus (she wasn't at the simulcast yesterday...coincidence?  I THINK NOT!  There He goes, again :)

The prayer I am referring to is "where do we belong"?

It didn't take long for us to feel affirmed that we are where God wants us to be.  We both love it here.  God may lead us back to Radiant some day, but for now this is our church home.  And the cool thing about church is that it's not the building, or the programs, or the music, or even the pastor that makes it a church.  The church is made up of believers, and even if we attend different buildings and listen to different pastors, we all belong to the family of God.

Coincidence? I think NOT!

Pineapple anyone??

Pick one

I finally figured it out.

About seven years ago I started studying the bible on my own.  Before I impress you too much, let me just explain that I have not been consistent about it.  I go in spurts.  I have done many bible studies over the years, at church and in women's ministry groups, and I really enjoy it.  Beth Moore studies are my favorite.

My personal bible time had mostly consisted of reading verses on specific topics.  Sometimes I would go through a whole chapter or book, and other times I'd just open my bible and read wherever I landed.  Every minute we spend in the Word is a benefit, but I got to the point where I wanted to go deeper into scripture and really study it.  

The first thing I did was a study on "love".  I needed to know and experience the love of God on a deeper level, so I used the concordance in the back of my bible to look up every verse that talked about the love of God.  After that I did a study on "joy".  And another on all the things Jesus told us to "do".  Then I studied each of the gospels, and most recently the books of James and Hebrews. 

My process is pretty simple.  I have my bible and a notebook, and as I read I take notes on whatever I feel the Holy Spirit is teaching me.  Whatever stands out to me and speaks to my mind and heart.  Sometimes my notes turn into songs, or praises, or prayers.  It's a great method and I learn a lot studying the bible this way.

More recently I have thought about reading the entire bible from cover to cover - something I have never done.  But I don't get much past the thought of it because it is so overwhelming!  And I'm not sure that is what God wants me to do.  I mean, what if God wants me in Galatians and I am stuck in Leviticus?  I do much better in the New Testament because I understand it more and can apply it to my life much easier than the Old Testament.  I know that God has just as much for us in the Old as He does in the New, I just can't seem to get past Genesis without feeling like my head is going to a'splode.

A couple years ago I bought a Chronological Life Application Bible.  I like the idea of reading the whole bible through as one story, in the order that it was written, and I thought that a chronological bible would make reading it from cover to cover more appealing and digestible.  It did...for a time, but I soon choked and didn't stick with it, for the same reasons I mentioned earlier.  

I also have a Max Lucado Devotional Bible, which I bought many years ago.  I really love it (and have to admit one of the draws were the fonts and illustrations :)  There are devotions, or "Life Lessons" sprinkled throughout that speak to each section of scripture.  Love that!

My sister-in-law recently finished reading through a devotional bible by Joyce Meyer.  It was a rich time for her, and took her two years.  She said she took her time and learned things that she never knew before.  So, yes!  That's yet another way to read the bible all the way through and I started doing that as well...only to not make it past creation.

Hmmph.

To add to my plethora of options, I have several bible studies that I haven't done yet...

Sermon notes for almost ten years that I could go back through...

And don't even get me started on all my devotionals.

So, with all these options available to me, what is my deal?  Is this a self-discipline issue?  Do I just need to make myself do it and stick with it?  Somehow I don't think God wants reading His Word to be so stressful.  That comes from someone else...the one who wants me to be confused and overwhelmed enough to do nothing at all.  And that's what I do when I have too many options and I don't know what the "right" one is.  When that happens, I all too often end up doing nothing at all.

Which is not the right thing to do.

As I often do, I have been driving myself crazy so I sought the wise counsel of my husband and sister-in-law to help shed some light and clarity (and sanity) on my dilemma.  They helped me break it down to this:  what way do I enjoy studying the bible the most (that was from Donna), and just pick one and do that (that was from Vince).  

Bam.  Simple.  Just like how God works.  He doesn't complicate things or make them confusing and stressful.  And He doesn't make me feel like a crazy person (I do that well enough on my own).  His methods are simple and mine should be too.  So here is what I have decided to do.  I will pick one...one bible study, one devotional, and one book (I have been known to read two and even three books at a time...really?)  

I am getting up each morning and spending time with God...with my "Embraced" devotional, my bible and journal.  Day one was wonderful and made the whole rest of my day better.  

I decided to do more intense bible studying in the evenings and on the weekends, starting this weekend with "Seamless" by Angi Smith.  Pretty timely, this is, because it's about understanding the bible as one seamless story!  Coincidence?  I think NOT!  I'm not going to rush through it, but will take my time and use the bible study resources I have accumulated to really dig deep in the scriptures.  I'm super excited about this!  I'm sure I will write more about it as I go.

I used to think that studying the bible would be boring...it's much more comforting and safe to just read the "feel good" verses and leave the heavy stuff to the pastors and bible teachers to spoon feed to me.  Not anymore!  I mean, what could be more exciting than reading the VERY WORDS OF THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE???!!!  

And lastly, I have started my next book by Sophie Hudson, "Home is Where my People Are".  I just love her!  Her first book was hilarious and I'm expecting this one to be as well.

So, here I am.  One bible study + one devotional + one book = one happy, relaxed, unstressed girl.  I'll probably read the bible from cover to cover someday.  I'm sure I'll go through more books of the bible on my own, and I might even go back through my church notes at some point to reabsorb some of the things I may have forgotten to remember.  For now, this is what I'm doing and I already feel closer to the Lord and His Word.