Things I didn't see

 If I didn't get home and start writing, my head would explode.  

That's how I felt today on my drive home from work.  I just finished the book "Educated" by Tara Westover last night and it has had a profound effect on me.  Very profound.  I wasn't expecting that.  

I've been into memoirs lately.  I've never really enjoyed reading fiction, but I love hearing about other people's lives, true life stories about what they have experienced and how they perceived it and how it changed them.  I've read several memoirs, some of which were moving and thought provoking, but none have effected me like this one has and I'd like to discover why.  

I didn't think I had anything in common with the author as I read it.  Her life was very different from mine.  She grew up in rural Idaho in a strict Mormon family.  Her parents were radical in their beliefs, which took priority over everything and everyone.  They didn't believe in sending their children to school, were paranoid about the government and doctors, and they had very little interaction with the world outside of their farm.  She tells about her transformation from the girl she was taught to be and what she was taught to believe (with absolutely no margin to question or change) to learning to think for herself and developing her own beliefs and values.  She didn't abandon her childhood entirely, but learned to integrate what she wanted to preserve with new ideas and values that she chose for herself.  

I can relate to that process immensely, but I will get into that more later on.

What is most profound to me right now is what I've realized about my kids.  Their process of wanting to break free from their upbringing and define themselves on their own terms is natural, and something we all have done.  But I wasn't quite prepared for how it would make me feel.  

The most profound change has been with my first born.  We aren't as close as I yearn to be, as we used to be.  I miss him and my heart physically hurts sometimes because I sometimes feel like I've lost him.  I haven't seen him since our family Christmas and actually for several years he has made it clear that he really doesn't want to be here in our home, hanging out with the family, or with me.  He feels different from us, and in some ways doesn't feel accepted.  He thinks I keep trying to press him into the mold that I want him to fit into, the child he used to be.  I have rejected his idea that I have been doing this, but after reading this book and listening to some interviews with the author, I realize...I think I have in fact been doing that.  On some level anyway.  Not nearly to the extent that the author experienced, but I can see a glimmer from my son's perspective why he would feel that way.

I've had ideas of who he is, or who he should be in my eyes, since he was born.  They don't necessarily match who he is or wants to be for himself.  He has felt it, more than I knew.  I didn't even realize I was doing it to him.  I tried to raise my kids to be who they truly are . . . but through the lens of who I thought they should be, I guess.

Of course I raised them to have the values that were important to me.  I think we all do that as parents, by the way.  We can't help it and I really do think that's how it should be, to a certain extent.  I raised my kids to be kind, loving, responsible, empathetic, to be able to express their thoughts and emotions, to respect authority, and for me...the MOST important thing I wanted to instill in all of our kids, was faith in God and acceptance of Jesus as their Savior.  None of those things are wrong or bad for a parent to want for their children and I don't regret trying to instill these values in my kids at all.  

What I do regret, looking back, are the things that I didn't see. 

It's funny what turning 50 will do!

Half a century.  I remember teasing my dad when he turned 50 that he was "half a century old"!  I thought I was hilarious then....and now, here I am.  50.  Half a - well, you know.

I have sort of read the book "The Blue Zones" (sort of, meaning I have read alot of it and skimmed the rest).  It's about certain areas in the world where people live the longest, healthiest lives.  They have the highest concentrations of centenarians...people who live to be 100 or more.  Essentially, their secret is simple:  stay active, don't stress, don't eat too much, eat healthy (whole foods, mostly plants), slow down, know your purpose in life, have faith, spend time with your "tribe", love your family, and (my favorite) have a glass of wine!

Just kidding, that's not my favorite.

Ok, sometimes it is.

I love it.  It's so simple, isn't it?  It makes so much sense to me.  So, why then is it so hard to actually live that way?  

Now that I have crossed the bridge of being a "half century old", I am finding myself doing a life review of sorts.  That's nothing new for me, I do this every year around this time and during various changes in the seasons of my life...like empty nest, new job, new husband, new kids, new church, yoga pants.  But this turning 50 thing feels a bit more significant to me.  How have I lived my life so far...and how do I want to live the rest of it?  There is a temptation to think that I am in the "later" years of life now.  Yuck.  Society says I'm only 15 years from retirement.  That may or may not be true for me.  My mom died at 71...that's only 20 years away for me. (Swallows hard).  That's a little more unnerving.  My mom died far too young, and she got old way too early in life.  I loved her, but honestly, she lived like an elderly person for much of her life.  Even when I was a kid she was very sedentary, and limited herself more and more with each passing year.  "I'm too old for that" was a common thing to hear her say.  It was annoying and also sad to watch.

I don't want that to be my story.  I refuse to let it be.  

I heard a quote recently...aging is inevitable, but getting old is optional!  I LOVE that!  I am determined to live my best life.  I'm not there yet.  To be completely transparent, I weight twice what I should.  I have diabetes, high blood pressure and cholesterol.  They are controlled with medication for now, but I am determined to change that and hopefully get off this medication all together.  I know I can, I have the means and the ability, and now I have the motivation.  It's not too late...as long as I don't put it off any longer.  

Living my best life is not only about my physical health...but that is a big part of it.  I want to not only improve and hopefully eliminate the conditions I have, but I also want to have the energy and stamina to do things.  Like hiking in Hawaii and Colorado, climbing the trails to Garvin and Sugar Loaf.  I want to run a 5k, bike the trails around Lanesboro, and heck - walk around the big lake again.  I want to enjoy these things with my husband, our grandkids, and my girlfriends. I want my weight to no longer hinder me from living a vibrant, active life!

Will I live to be a centenarian?  Who knows...maybe I will!  But however long I have on this earth, whether that's 20, 30, 40 or even 50 more years, I want to live my best life, my healthiest life, without limits.  

Being a half century old isn't so bad after all, Dad :) 

Praise workouts and the way it's (not) supposed to be

So I started working out.  Every morning for the past week (not including the weekend because that's just crazy talk) I have set my alarm for 5:45am, which is 1/2 hour earlier than I used to, and I have been actually getting out of bed and starting my workout by 6am.

Not to be all braggy, but this is a big deal for me!  I have not stuck to a workout plan for, oh I don't know, several decades so I'm kinda happy with myself for sticking to this one for a whole week.  And I am enjoying it so much that I don't see me stopping anytime soon...hopefully never.  

Before you are too impressed, I'm not talking about a high energy, aerobic sweatfest.  I'm doing a very low impact stretching and toning routine that I like to call "not-yoga".  It's similar to yoga I suppose, but without the spiritual stuff because this girl don't do that.  (Except for goat yoga.  That is actually an actual thing!  I might have to try that sometime because, baby goats!).  

I've been doing a variation of my not-yoga routine since high school, and I literally noticed the benefits on the very first day.  I have more energy and feel more relaxed all day long.  And it's more than just a workout...I made a playlist of worship songs that lasts for almost exactly 30 minutes (so I don't have to keep checking the clock) and I am using that time for praise or prayer, or both.  What I, for years didn't think I could do (make time to work out OR get up earlier than I had to) has now become the best part of my day.  I look forward to getting up and don't keep hitting the snooze (also, putting my alarm clock a little farther away helps with that little habit).  

And...I feel closer to God, and that is the absolute best.

So after my praise workout - yes!  I'm going to call it my praise workout now!!  So much better than not-yoga :)  After my praise workout I resist the urge to flop on my bed and waste time on facebook, and I put on a podcast instead.  I had been listening to Joyce Meyer's podcast for the past several months while getting ready for work, but a couple weeks ago I started listening to the Proverbs 31 podcast.  It is nothing short of life changing for me.  I'm in the middle of the "Therapy and Theology" series, which is a great follow up to the bible study I just finished on Lysa Terkeurst's book "It's Not Supposed To Be This Way".  

Also life changing.

I seriously needed that book, and this podcast, at this exact time of my life.  Both have helped me on so many levels and I know I am going to be camping on them for some time to come.  And by camping, I mean re-reading the book and things I've hi-lighted in it, going over my study notes, and listening to the podcasts over and possibly over again.  I need repetition to truly learn something.  Some people can hear things once and get it.  I tend to need to go over things two or ten times before I truly retain it and am able to apply the concepts to my life.  

And if I'm going to be totally transparent, there are multiple areas of my life right now that I could say, and some days scream...IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY!!!

1)  I'm SUPPOSED to have a house full of kids, and as I've already talked about here and here, I'm having some adjustment issues with our two babies graduating this year and the idea of an empty nest looming in our not-so-distant future.  Not only that (which is enough) but my male cherub is giving me an aneurysm with his lackadaisical attitude toward school...in this, the home stretch of his senior year.  

"I've got this, Mom", he says.  "Everything's fiiiine, Mother", he says.  

Meanwhile, I'm thinking he should be rounding third and running full bore for home plate, when in reality he is farting around somewhere near 2nd base...kicking the dirt and staring at his glove like he did in t-ball which was adorable back then.  Now, not so much.  

2)  Mr. Wonderful and I are SUPPOSED to have all the kinks worked out in our marriage, particularly in our parenting styles, but to be honest we have walked through some stuff.  Especially over the last five years. Hello counselor, my old friend....I've come to talk with you again...

3)  I'm SUPPOSED to be turning 40, not 50.  I'm not feeling 50.  It sounds old...at least older than I feel.  Maybe that's a good thing?  That I don't feel as old as I actually am?  I guess I don't mind it THAT much, I'm not hung up on age.  But it does feel weird.

4)  As we are approaching the end of our season of "raising children", I am doing a life review of sorts and there are some things that I wish we would have done.  And others I wish we would have done differently.  But one that I'm hung up on right now is that we were SUPPOSED to have taken more vacations as a family.  We wanted to, but as life moved along we never seemed to have the money or the time.  It was easier to pack up and go when the kids were pre-teens, before they had jobs and extra curriculars to keep us tied to home.  

Our kids haven't been deprived, and neither have Vince and I.  I know that.  We have all been on vacations, in various combinations of kids and parents, but we never took a real family vacation ALL together during their growing up years.  Which are now coming to an end.

Sigh.

We are however planning a real deal family vacation for this summer!  We are going to Okoboji, staying by a lake and doing lots of water fun and mini-golfing and game playing and relaxing.  And just being together.  

As I sit here typing that out, I realize that I need to just slap myself - and remember that it's not too late.  It will never be too late.  We will ALWAYS be a family and there will be countless opportunities in the years to come to make even more memories together.  I need to let go of the memories that we didn't make, remember the ones that we did, and look forward to the ones we have yet to make in the future.

And THAT's the way it's SUPPOSED to be :)

Coincidence? I think NOT!

Pineapple anyone??

Pick one

I finally figured it out.

About seven years ago I started studying the bible on my own.  Before I impress you too much, let me just explain that I have not been consistent about it.  I go in spurts.  I have done many bible studies over the years, at church and in women's ministry groups, and I really enjoy it.  Beth Moore studies are my favorite.

My personal bible time had mostly consisted of reading verses on specific topics.  Sometimes I would go through a whole chapter or book, and other times I'd just open my bible and read wherever I landed.  Every minute we spend in the Word is a benefit, but I got to the point where I wanted to go deeper into scripture and really study it.  

The first thing I did was a study on "love".  I needed to know and experience the love of God on a deeper level, so I used the concordance in the back of my bible to look up every verse that talked about the love of God.  After that I did a study on "joy".  And another on all the things Jesus told us to "do".  Then I studied each of the gospels, and most recently the books of James and Hebrews. 

My process is pretty simple.  I have my bible and a notebook, and as I read I take notes on whatever I feel the Holy Spirit is teaching me.  Whatever stands out to me and speaks to my mind and heart.  Sometimes my notes turn into songs, or praises, or prayers.  It's a great method and I learn a lot studying the bible this way.

More recently I have thought about reading the entire bible from cover to cover - something I have never done.  But I don't get much past the thought of it because it is so overwhelming!  And I'm not sure that is what God wants me to do.  I mean, what if God wants me in Galatians and I am stuck in Leviticus?  I do much better in the New Testament because I understand it more and can apply it to my life much easier than the Old Testament.  I know that God has just as much for us in the Old as He does in the New, I just can't seem to get past Genesis without feeling like my head is going to a'splode.

A couple years ago I bought a Chronological Life Application Bible.  I like the idea of reading the whole bible through as one story, in the order that it was written, and I thought that a chronological bible would make reading it from cover to cover more appealing and digestible.  It did...for a time, but I soon choked and didn't stick with it, for the same reasons I mentioned earlier.  

I also have a Max Lucado Devotional Bible, which I bought many years ago.  I really love it (and have to admit one of the draws were the fonts and illustrations :)  There are devotions, or "Life Lessons" sprinkled throughout that speak to each section of scripture.  Love that!

My sister-in-law recently finished reading through a devotional bible by Joyce Meyer.  It was a rich time for her, and took her two years.  She said she took her time and learned things that she never knew before.  So, yes!  That's yet another way to read the bible all the way through and I started doing that as well...only to not make it past creation.

Hmmph.

To add to my plethora of options, I have several bible studies that I haven't done yet...

Sermon notes for almost ten years that I could go back through...

And don't even get me started on all my devotionals.

So, with all these options available to me, what is my deal?  Is this a self-discipline issue?  Do I just need to make myself do it and stick with it?  Somehow I don't think God wants reading His Word to be so stressful.  That comes from someone else...the one who wants me to be confused and overwhelmed enough to do nothing at all.  And that's what I do when I have too many options and I don't know what the "right" one is.  When that happens, I all too often end up doing nothing at all.

Which is not the right thing to do.

As I often do, I have been driving myself crazy so I sought the wise counsel of my husband and sister-in-law to help shed some light and clarity (and sanity) on my dilemma.  They helped me break it down to this:  what way do I enjoy studying the bible the most (that was from Donna), and just pick one and do that (that was from Vince).  

Bam.  Simple.  Just like how God works.  He doesn't complicate things or make them confusing and stressful.  And He doesn't make me feel like a crazy person (I do that well enough on my own).  His methods are simple and mine should be too.  So here is what I have decided to do.  I will pick one...one bible study, one devotional, and one book (I have been known to read two and even three books at a time...really?)  

I am getting up each morning and spending time with God...with my "Embraced" devotional, my bible and journal.  Day one was wonderful and made the whole rest of my day better.  

I decided to do more intense bible studying in the evenings and on the weekends, starting this weekend with "Seamless" by Angi Smith.  Pretty timely, this is, because it's about understanding the bible as one seamless story!  Coincidence?  I think NOT!  I'm not going to rush through it, but will take my time and use the bible study resources I have accumulated to really dig deep in the scriptures.  I'm super excited about this!  I'm sure I will write more about it as I go.

I used to think that studying the bible would be boring...it's much more comforting and safe to just read the "feel good" verses and leave the heavy stuff to the pastors and bible teachers to spoon feed to me.  Not anymore!  I mean, what could be more exciting than reading the VERY WORDS OF THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE???!!!  

And lastly, I have started my next book by Sophie Hudson, "Home is Where my People Are".  I just love her!  Her first book was hilarious and I'm expecting this one to be as well.

So, here I am.  One bible study + one devotional + one book = one happy, relaxed, unstressed girl.  I'll probably read the bible from cover to cover someday.  I'm sure I'll go through more books of the bible on my own, and I might even go back through my church notes at some point to reabsorb some of the things I may have forgotten to remember.  For now, this is what I'm doing and I already feel closer to the Lord and His Word.

So I'm kind of obsessing over my books right now

...and actually have been for the past few days.  It started, like a lot of my obsessions do, with not wanting to go to bed.  This past Saturday, Vince had to work all night on a big-deal computer project thingy at work and I really don't like going to bed without him.  So after falling asleep on the couch while watching tv, at 11:30 I decided to get up and go to bed.  Well, I did get up... however, I did not go to bed.  Not for a couple hours anyway.  Instead I decided to go through all my books and log and organize them in "Goodreads".

Because that was more important than sleeping at midnight.

Obviously.

Most of my books are real actual paper books (which is what I prefer). I also have several in my Nook app on my iPad.  Many of them I have read already, but I have about 20 or so that are on my "want to read" shelf. I keep telling myself I have to read them all before I can get any more. 

HAHAHAHA.  Right.

I love books!!  And I have a hard time letting them go once I am done with them.  I hi-light, write notes and smiley faces and exclamation points in the margins and fold over the corners of the pages I want to come back to.  I hang on to my favorites for just that purpose...so I can come back to them and read my hi-lights and notes which help me remember and digest the things I've read.  Otherwise it's too easy to forget the things God has taught me through them....and if I do that, then what's the point in reading them, really?

Most of my books fall into the spiritual growth category.  My favorite authors tend to be funny, like Sophie Hudson and Jen Hatmaker...

...and also make me think deeply and grow in my faith like Beth Moore, Angie Smith, and Max Lucado.

I have recently gotten interested in memoirs.  I am fascinated by people - how they think, how they have lived their lives and the experiences that have shaped who they are.  Especially when they can recognize the hand of God and how He has moved in their lives to bring victory...beauty from ashes. That's inspiring to me!!

And of course I have books on marriage...

parenting...

health...

...and all the devotionals I will ever, ever need.

So now, after a couple days and several hours of obsessing, I have a clean and relatively dust free bookshelf in our room...yay!

I also have a box of books to donate, including some from Mr. Wonderful's collection...

addendum:  I have already pulled out 4 books from the give-away box and put them back on my bookshelf because clearly I have a problem.  Someone needs to take this box to Good Will already.

And, now that I have my totally organized (and dust free) virtual bookshelves in Goodreads, I have a list of all my books with me wherever I go!  When I'm at my happy place (Barnes and Noble, hello!)  or Good Will, I will never have to worry about accidentally buying a book I already have.

Well...after I finish reading all the books that I already own, of course.

HAHAHAHA.  Right.

A Snowy, Cozy "Spring?" Day

It was a January kind of day today....smack in the middle of April.  Blustery, cold, snowing, blowing, sleeting, and snowing and blowing some more.  Ugh.  It was almost spring the past week too...snow was mostly gone, birds were chirping, and I was going around without a coat some days (that can be attributed less to the weather and more to the menopause thing which is oh-so-much-fun for me these days).  Spring made a good attempt but as of yesterday it got the smack down.  We haven't had a winter storm like this for years, and we get to be so lucky to get it now.  In April.  The little birdies in our neighborhood are so confused.  Oh well.  I kind of like today, actually.  We have not left the house.  All three kids are home on a Saturday night (the ones who still live here that is).  I can't remember when that happened last - not since they have had jobs and cars and probably some time before that.  Even though they are spending most of their time in their rooms, it feels nice to be home together.

Macey has enjoyed the calm day as well with everyone here and she has not once obsessed about staring at the door and barking at every noise waiting for one of her missing people to get home.  She did, however, have an episode where she got her ruff all up, and was staring at the patio doors from the edge of the living room as if there was some kind of critter on the deck that needed stalking.  There was of course nothing there.  Weirdo.

I talked to both my dad and my son Nicolas on the phone today, both of which made my heart smile.

Vince and I spent the morning organizing our bills at the kitchen table while we watched a bootleg recording of the off-broadway production of The Little Mermaid on YouTube because HELLO KING TRITON!!!

I'm super excited to see him play this role (and call him King Triton for the next two months!)  I'm thinking about volunteering back stage so that I can see the goings on of the show and how it all comes together.  It's amazing to me that they can get all the costuming, props, and everyone's lines, songs, and choreography down in a matter of 2 months.  Hope is disappointed that she didn't get the part of Ariel, but after seeing her and her dad trying to sing this song together in the kitchen this morning...

"If only you could stay
And never say goodbye
If only I could make time stop
Believe me, I would try
But fathers have to learn
Their daughters have to grow
And if you truly love them
You must let them go..."

Yup.  Vince couldn't get through it without getting choked up, so I'm not sure he would have been able to do this scene with his baby girl if she were Ariel!!  I do feel for her though, this has always been one of her "dream" roles.  I told her she is young enough that she could still get the chance again to play it in another production.  I hope so.  But she is taking it very well.  She'll be a "Mersister" and she'll be fantastic!

I can't wait for the costumes and the music and the laughs...it's already my favorite musical :)

I started on some organizing projects today...mainly in the office.  I didn't get very far, but hey I started! Sometimes that is the hardest step.  I also went through our recipe books and Vince's family cookbook.  I love that thing so much.  He made it several years ago and it includes recipes from his mom, grandma and siblings.  There are many memories to cherish in that book and I'm sure will be considered a family heirloom.

We have come up with some new kick-butt recipes since it was printed, so maybe someday we will have to come out with a "volume 2".  But then there is the idea I had of doing a "Heeren Family Cookbook".  I really want to do that with my siblings and some of our parents' and grandmas' recipes.  Mom never wrote a single thing down, but I do know a few of her recipes and I'm sure my sister and I can figure out some of the others.  Kathy and Dad have lots of good recipes, too and I have a few of them.  Some of my favorites growing up were mom's meatballs & gravy, tuna hotdish, and roast beef, potatoes and carrots.  Dad made some yummy butterscotch pudding.  Kathy made awesome goulash and salmon loaf.  My favorite things that Grandma Hankel made was her hamburger soup and of course strawberry banana jello cups!  Donna made the best cheesy potatoes for most of our family gatherings, and now my brother Alan has turned into quite a chef himself.

Most of my recipes are in my recipe book...isn't it just the cutest thing?!

We have also accumulated some really great cookbooks that I want to use more often than we do.  (Dang you, Pinterest and Food Network App - you are just too convenient!)  Seriously, I could never get another cookbook or recipe online and we would be able to eat well for the rest of our lives with the cookbooks we have now.  (So, one would think that I won't need to get any more cookbooks ever, but one would be wrong on that.  I don't yet have one of Trisha Yearwood's cookbooks.  Duh.)

In the spirit of wrapping this up for tonight (it's 1am! and I'm planning on sleeping out here on the couch tonight next to King Triton, as he has been working from home since 5:30pm and will likely be up all night doing such)  I will now share my newest favorite foodie discovery...

These are seriously the most delicious little things ever!  I have eaten most of the jar so far and have not (yet) spilled any beet juice on my clothes.  It's a Christmas Miracle!  In April....hmmmph.

P.S.  I feel a "Nice & Naughty" post coming on.  Maybe tomorrow.

Sort of finishing a book, learning to let go of fear, and getting out of the way

So I just finished this book, sort of....

It's by the same author who wrote "Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs", which is one of my favorite books on marriage - as I have already blogged about.  And what I mean by "sort of" finished reading, is that I didn't actually read all the pages in the book. After about the 4th chapter I started skipping and skimming and I'm pretty sure what the author took 254 pages to write could have been adequately done in about 62 pages.  That's why I didn't finish the whole thing.  He just kept going on and on belaboring the same points...which I may or may not do myself on occasion, but this isn't about me.

As you can imagine from the title, it is a book about mothers and sons, and how respect is the key to winning their hearts.  Much like "Love and Respect" is about spouses building their relationship on the concepts of wives respecting their husbands, and husbands loving their wives because the greatest need for women is to be loved, and the greatest need for men is to be respected.  This book builds on the concept that boys...being men in the making...need to feel respected in order to feel loved.  Respecting my husband, I get that (I'm still working on it, but as a concept I get it). It's a little more complicated when it's a mother and son.  It's kind of a balance that needs to happen...how do you respect your child yet remain in a position of authority over him?  What does that look like?  The author does a great job of showing how a mom can respect her son as she corrects him, guides him, disciplines him, and all the while honoring his God-given need for respect.  And that goes beyond just our relationships with our boys.  We mom's really are teaching our sons how they can expect to be treated by their future wives.  Now there's a thought.

And here's another thought:  fear.  Much of my life has been effected by and sometimes controlled by fear, and the book addresses that too. This is an area that God has been working out in me for some time now...most intensely in the past couple of years. Probably because I am finally ready for the healing.  One of the biggest areas of fear for me has been in my parenting.  To one degree or another, I have always struggled with fear that something bad will happen to my kids.  Fear that they will make bad choices or turn from God, or drift away from me.  Fear that although my love for my kids is immeasurable, I will screw it up somehow. They will not know how loved they are and I will fail them.

Fear...the thing that has motivated me so often to hover and protect and react and control and worry...is also the very thing that causes me to stumble.  The. Very. Thing.  Fear...not the things I am afraid of...but the ACTUAL FEAR is my greatest enemy.  I recently had a light bulb moment during prayer, where God revealed to me that by holding on to fears I feel like I can control them.  But in reality, by holding onto fear it is fear that is controlling me.  Mind blow.

Here is where the book gets real for me, where the words on the page spoke so loudly to me I had to bookmark and highlight it and read it over and over.  (I really could have stopped reading the book at this point, but I pushed on for a couple dozen more pages.)

"I can say this with certainty: when fear controls a mother, she seeks to control.  In controlling her son from that which could harm him physically or hurt her emotionally, she feels less fear.  Control reduces her anxiety and insecurity."  But as the author points out a few paragraphs later, this type of overprotective and controlling mothering can result in a son feeling disrespected and pulling away from her - the very thing I fear most.  "She does not see him as the conqueror, protector, provider, authority, strong one, problem solver".  And that has an effect on a son's spirit.  By not honoring and encouraging who God designed him to be, a son pushes back.  Even rebels.

If I could recall all the times my boys have said "you don't trust me", or "just let me do it my way", or "stop treating me like a little kid"...I bet in the moment I thought I was loving them by helping and protecting and instructing.  But what they were actually receiving from this was my unintended message that they were not conquerors, not competent problem solvers...not worthy of my respect.  It is no surprise that they pull away from me and act less loving when that happens.

So now what?  How am I going to use this information from this book that I sort of read, and apply it to my relationships with our sons?  First of all I need to stop the temptation to beat myself up over not getting this sooner.  I do that to myself a lot.  But as Maya Angelou would say, now that I know better I will do better.   I will remember not to yell (yes, I admit I yell sometimes), but it is so disrespectful...to our daughters as well as our sons.  I will affirm their need to feel respected, as well as their need to be acknowledged for their accomplishments and their competence.  I will trust them more and hover less (it's a process).  I will instruct a little less, and allow them to try on their own more - and fail sometimes, even when I see it coming.  Life is sometimes the best teacher, and even better than that - the Holy Spirit is THE best teacher of all.  Sometimes I just need to shut my yapper and get out of His way.

Even tho we are only halfway done, this is one of the best things we have done for our marriage!

A few months ago, my sister-in-law Donna (yes I have TWO Donna's - my sister and my sister-in-law and let me tell you, it's a happy day for me when I get to be with BOTH my Donna's at the same time :) Anyway, it was my sister-in-law Donna who told me about these two books that she and her husband Dave (I only have one Dave and trust me, that is enough) had been reading and how profoundly they were impacting their relationship.  So, because of their testimony I did what any sane wife would do...I got myself on Amazon Prime, immediately ordered the books, and announced to my husband that the books would be here in two days and guess what we were going to do.  (Ok, I was a little more gentle than that...I did actually ask him.) I'm not exactly sure what happened first, my announcement or my ordering, but either way Vince was on board with it, so it was all good.

So this is what we did.  First, Vince read "For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men". He hi-lighted and wrote notes about the things in the book that spoke to him, things that he really wanted me to understand.  Things like how important respect is to a man, how most of them deal with unspoken insecurities on a daily basis, how they need time to process before they can talk about issues (this drives us crazy!), and of course - how important sex is to them (our kids are gagging and sputtering and dying right about now).  And while he was reading that book, I read "For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women".  The author explained so well our need to feel loved, how we process emotions, how we need to feel beautiful to our men, and probably most profound - our need for emotional security in a relationship.  I hi-lighted and underlined and wrote notes in the margins like a maniac - complete with lots of stars and exclamation points and smiley faces and hearts (I'm much more obnoxious about my book reading than he is, as I'm very sure you can imagine).  Once we were all done - we switched books. Now I am reading "For Women Only" and he is reading "For Men Only" and we are only halfway through them but already we have gained tons of insights into how each other works!  I think we were doing pretty good in that department already.  I am blessed with a man who knows how to talk about his feelings, and knows how to understand mine.  Sometimes when I don't even understand them myself.  But still, like every relationship we have our challenge areas and these books are helping us grow...together.  As we've been reading, we are asking each other questions and talking about the things each other has hi-lighted and written, and let me tell you, light bulbs have been turning on for both of us.  Things we have misunderstood about each other are becoming clearer. We aren't there yet...it's a process, one that takes a lifetime I suppose!  But I am so grateful for where we are already.

Here are some other books that we have read on the topic of marriage that have been awesome and I highly recommend:

In which I go on and on about books

When I was in 6th grade I read an entire book on a Saturday morning...

I had checked it out from our school library.  It doesn't look like something a typical 6th grade girl would read, right?  I know.  Weird.  I'm really not sure what attracted me to it.  Maybe a friend told me it was a good book.  Or maybe it was some lingering effects of my brief insignificant identity crisis from my earlier elementary years? Who knows...but I did love the book and couldn't put it down until I was done.  I wonder now if the people who made Fear Factor read it as a child (and then went horribly astray).  I can't stand that show, so it really makes no sense why I would have liked this book.  But I did.  

And after that I remember reading a couple Judy Bloom books, which I also loved:

Oh Judy Blume.  How I loved thee!  I wish I could say that these books launched me into a love of reading that spawned years and years and dozens of wonderful literary works!  But alas, it did not.  At that time in my life anyway, reading probably could have been added to my list of things that I liked the idea of, but didn't actually like.  

I don't remember reading much after those books - except for what I was required to read in high school lit classes, which was usually just the Cliffs Notes of the things I was required to read in high school lit classes.

I did give some romance novels a try in high school, only because some of my girlfriends were reading them. I tried what's her name...oh good grief she was a really popular....Daniel Steele!  But I just couldn't get past the first few pages.  When it comes to novels, I'm more of a "visual" reader...meaning I need to see the story played out on a screen in front of me with actors and props and music and the story spoon fed to me.  I'm not good at visualizing the characters and the scenes and keeping track of the story lines when it's just on paper.  

I started reading a little more in my college years.  I gave up on novels and started reading non-fiction. Things that would move me and inspire me and help me grow...yes!  That interested me!  I remember reading a few books during college, and there probably weren't many more than that because of all the reading college required (when Cliff just wouldn't cut it anymore).  And, well, the socializing may have had something to do with it as well.

So.

Vince and I just finished the 2 day task of giving our bedroom a makeover.  Well, not exactly a makeover, because we didn't purchase anything.  Mostly we dusted.  And that was enough.  We cleaned everything from floor to ceiling fan and oh my dear, I had no idea the amount of dust that would collect under one's bed when you haven't moved it or vacuumed under it for, oh I don't know, 5 YEARS!!  Yikes!  That was scary. 

Anyhoo, the last thing to be cleaned was our bookshelf and in the process I weeded out the books...and got rid of exactly none.  I love my books!  Vince has his favorites too that he wants to hold on to.  He reads mostly novels...sci fi and ones with knights and dragons and such.  Mine are all books on life...parenting, spiritual growth, mawaage, health.  The ones I liked enough to keep are underlined and hi-lighted and exclamation pointed and written in with the page corners folded over and maybe some coffee stains.  They are well loved and well worn and I like to page through them now and again to read my notes and get all re-inspired!  It's kind of hard to do that with my Nook, though.  It does have a hi-light feature, but it's just not the same.  I usually carry my Nook with me (thus necessitating a bigger purse) and I love the convenience of being able to carry multiple "books" and "magazines" at all times.  

At the bottom of my blog I have a "Shelfari", which is a virtual bookshelf that holds all of my favorite books.  If you scroll over a book it pops up and tells you more about it.  Pretty cool (you can make one too, and you don't have to have a blog).  The ones I have on my "shelf" are all of my favorites, but just in case you are wondering, here are my favoritest books ever...ones I'd recommend as "must reads" because they are seriously that good - in my opinion of course, and I can do that 'cause it's my blog :)  

For all women everywhere, you simply must read this book...you just have to.  Go buy/download/checkout/borrow this book right now and read and savor it, and let God tell you how beautiful and cherished you are.  Because you are.  Amen.

If you are married, get this book.  Go directly to this book.  Do not pass go and do not collect $200.  It will transform your relationship.  Crazy good.

For parents, this one is a goldmine.  I first read the adult version of "The Five Love Languages", and recently learned that they make one for teens, and it is on my "to read next" list...

And if you are going through a tough time, and even if you are not, this is probably my all-time favorite book. It reads like a novel, but the imagery and symbolism is so rich with meaning.  I have read it twice and will again, no doubt. 

The sequel is just as good...

And finally, these are my most recent reads...and they have literally MESSED ME UP!!!  I talked about the first book "7" here, and just recently finished Interrupted.  Seriously, I can't say enough about these books. The author, Jen Hatmaker, is hilarious and amazing and real and I love her.  She doesn't know it yet, tho.