Tuesday, June 07, 2011

Things that are frequently said in our house that are funny or annoying and sometimes both

It's fun at our house.  In the midst of all the chaos and drama, we have fun.  That's a good thing, because if we didn't I fear that the chaos and drama of our everyday lives might just swallow us up.

If you happen to draw the short straw be blessed enough to spend time at our house on a daily basis, there are certain phrases that you might hear spoken a time or ten.  So I thought I'd share them because they are funny and, well, sometimes annoying too.

"No offense, but..."
This phrase is most popular with our younger two children.  Nothing good ever follows it.  It's when you have something to say that prolly doesn't need to be said, but alas you say it anyway because you are, you know, 9 or 10 (and sometimes older) and haven't learned how to properly censor yourself yet.

"No offense, but today you look like you did in that picture of you with your sister."

"You mean the one I have framed in my room that is very special to me because I thought we both looked good?"

"Yea, that's the one."

"Mmm, k."

Just as nothing good ever follows "no offense, but...", nothing good preceeds this next phrase which is also very popular in our home, moreso with our teenagers.

"I'm just sayin'..."
It's also used when you have something to say that shouldn't necessarily be said, but it is intended to justify whatever preceeded it, which may or may not imply a direct slam.

"Joe's mom is SO COOL!  She makes the best mac & cheese in the world and lets us do whatever we want.  She's like the coolest mom EVER.  Not that you aren't cool too, Mom.  I'm just sayin."

"Thanks.  I feel awesome now."

Sometimes if you are really crafty, you can take "No offense, but" and "I'm just sayin" and sandwich an insult between them.

"No offense, but you're feet smell like cheese.  I don't mean that in a bad way, I'm just sayin". 

"Your face..."
This is a phrase that Nick started and it's caught on like obnoxious wildfire at our house.  It is very versatile and can be used as a response to virtually any statement that one makes.  It really has no meaning at all, so don't bother trying to make any sense out of it.  We sure don't.

"You look tired."

"Your face looks tired".

"Time to shut off the tv."

"Your face can shut off the tv."

"Will you make me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?"

"Your face can make me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich."

It's very Napoleon and Kip, which is why it is so prevalent in our house and why I find it so amusing (most of the time).

And, lastly but certainly not leastly, is the ever popular...

"Not Me..."
"Not Me" is not so much a phrase, as it is a living and active member of our family.  Not Me is responsible for most of the things that go wrong around here, and if it weren't for him our kids would be in a lot more trouble.  Despite my recent announcement that Not Me has moved out and no longer resides here, he still gets blamed for everything.

"Who made this mess?"

"Not Me."

"Who left the freezer door open in the garage so that hundreds of dollars worth of meat and tater tots can spoil and need to be thrown away?"

"Not Me."

"Who ate all the Nutella?  I just bought a new jar like a week ago!  Oh wait, that was me."

That's all. 

And you thought I was going to end this post with some witty application of one of these phrases, didn't you?  Well not me, my friend.  Sometimes I am predictable like that (your face is predictable like that), but obviously the mysteries that surround me are far too vast and varied to be predictable all the time.  No offense, but you obviously don't know me like you think you do.  I'm just sayin.

Monday, June 06, 2011

Unbelievably ridiculous and unnecessary

And I thought this was bad.

What's even more annoying than birds chirping outside our bedroom window at 5am?  I'll tell you what.  A cat caterwauling (aka making a really loud obnoxious sound) in our yard at 4AM!!

I just have one word for that.  Actually I have lots of words for that, but only one that I will share...


Needless to say, we were not happy to be awakened by this noise at 4 O'CLOCK IN THE EVER LOVIN' AM.  Then once I fell back asleep I got to dream about someone trying to kill me.  Nice.  And Vince was all cool about it (in my dream, hopefully I'd get a better reaction out of him in real life).  It was some teenage kid living in our house (who incidently bore NO resemblance whatsoever to any of the teenage kids who actually live in our house, just to clarify). 

Whoever he was, and for whatever reason he was living in my house and wanted to kill me, this kid was relentless.  And I have to say, despite Mr. W's apparent apathy toward it all, I was a genius at thwarting each of his plans.  He tried setting up a machine gun, but I took all the bullets.  He tried making me sniff three different chemicals, but I plugged my nose.  I even went and told his parents, who were at a party and just laughed at me.

I'm not sure why I dreamt all of this.  Maybe it was a direct result of the cat incident and Vince's comment as he shut our window at 4 O'CLOCK IN THE EVER LOVIN' AM...

"That cat needs to be shot". 

You may not know this about me, but I am really good at interpretting dreams, so here goes.  The way I see it, this particular dream could mean one of three things...

1)  Someone is indeed planning to kill me and I am subconsciously warning myself in my dream.
2)  The teenagers who actually do live in our home sometimes sound like screaming cats in heat.
3)  I am the cat.

There is also a 4th possible interpretation of my dream, and that is that I need therapy.

Thursday, June 02, 2011

Four years ago this very day...

I woke up very excited because in a few short hours I would be dining at Red Lobster and cruising down the Mississippi on my first date with this guy...

...who blew me away with his warmth, gentleness, charming wit and the best kiss I had ever had IN MY LIFE!  He treated me like a "queen" and has ever since.  Of course, I intimidated him with my sweet mini-golf skills, so he knew he'd better treat me right.  And right, he does.  My life was forever changed four years ago today, and I am forever blessed!

A New Day Has Come - Celine Dion

"I was waiting for so long
For a miracle to come
Everyone told me to be strong
Hold on and don't shed a tear
Through the darkness and good times
I knew I'd make it through
And the world thought I had it all
But I was waiting for you...

I see a light in the sky
Oh, it's almost blinding me
I can't believe I've been touched
By an angel with love
Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new sun
A new day has come.

Where it was dark now there's light
Where there was pain now there's joy
Where there was weakness, I found my strength
All in the eyes of a boy."