Fighting demons

I'm tired.

Fighting demons is exhausting, especially the ones that continue to haunt me long after I thought I had beaten them.  

It's a fight, nearly every day to keep trying.  To not let them win.  But the temptation is strong to give up and give in to unhealthy habits, and have immediate freedom from the struggle.  Whatever it is in the moment.

"Just have it, you'll feel better."

Escape.  Numb.  Give up.

"The fight is too hard, it's too hard to resist cravings and I don't have the energy."

"It won't matter anyway.  This one thing won't change anything.  Not really.  Not today.  I mean, look at me?"

"I can begin again tomorrow.  Or next week".  

Or never.

These are all things I tell myself, except they are all lies and I know it.  Even as I'm saying them, I know. 

Numbness wears off and escape finds its way back to reality.  

A reality that never seems to change.  

I can't seem to change it anyway.

God can, but He's slow about it.

And I don't appreciate that.  

When relief is what we seek, the last thing we want to do is have to wait for it.  

Change takes time and I hate that about it.

I crave the destination, but the journey isn't always pretty.  

It's kind of like riding in an airplane. 

It terrifies me.  I have lots of things in my arsenal to help me through it including meds and oils and wrist bands and snacks and music and alcohol.  "Flying Lisa" is a whole thing.  She's all about creating an alternate reality designed to numb out, escape, hide from the fear and the struggle rather than facing it.   

I don't want to live afraid.  

I don't trust God with my fear.   I tell Him I do, much like I tell others and myself.  But truth is I don't.  

Not really.

Not enough to let go of my arsenal of antidotes.  

Antidote:  a medicine taken or given to counteract a particular poison.

My poison is fear.  And it's deadly.  

It slowly kills the life I want to live, the faith I want to rely on, the truth I want to believe.  

What am I so damn afraid of?  I've been living with it my entire life, this fear, but I'm not sure I've ever really tried to figure out what it is.  What is its purpose, besides to destroy me?  Maybe that's the only purpose.  A demon's purpose is to be demonic.  To steal, kill and destroy, according to the bible.  

Maybe that's just it.  Maybe it's not more complicated than that.  

Demons have arsenals too, and their weapons are fierce and consistent.  They trip me up and snarl at me to stay down and sometimes I listen.  It feels safer to stay low rather than continue to be knocked to the ground over and over. When I"m crawling around in the dirt I don't have so far to fall.  I can sit there with my head on my knees and protect myself from inhaling the dust that gets kicked in my face.  

Except I'm not really protected.  I'm imprisoned.  

Security is not found in isolation, 

and freedom is not found in escape.    

The more I scrounge around in the dirt, the deeper the pit I inevitably dig for myself.

And a pit is not a home.

What's happening

 It's more of a statement than a question...or I guess it's both.  

What's happening.

I have a confession to make.  2021 has kicked my butt.  There I said it.  No sugar coating, just being real.  I'm not going to pretend that I've been riding waves of strength and peace as I've navigated through this past half-a-year since Vince's heart issues began (or surfaced, rather).  They began long before that day that he had his first heart attack in May and I suppose that's the root of my problem.  

It snuck up on him, and thus, us.  

And that's always been my greatest fear...being blind-sided.  Scary things are lurking in the dark and without warning, they will jump out and attack.  Call it fear of the unknown.  Paranoia.  Whatever.  I've struggled with it my entire life.  I'm afraid to be happy and calm because then I let my guard down and am not prepared for the thing.  

The thing that's lurking, taunting me, waiting to pounce.

And it leaves me in a constant state of fear of what if...what's next.  What's the next bad thing that's going to happen.  And it's this fear that steals my joy, and sometimes my faith.

Here's where I'm supposed to trust God.  I'm so tired of being afraid.  Trying to drown my fear with food, distraction, avoidance doesn't work in the long run, it just leaves me tired and parched, feeling weak and defeated.  

I don't really have the answers right now.  It's 3am and I'm tired.  What I do know is this...the truth does not depend on my feelings.  And the truth is that I have victory in Christ.  He has not left me alone to fight my battles without weapons.  He is there and gives me all that I need to live a victorious life.  The answer is in scripture, in Jesus Himself.  

That's where my focus needs to be...not on my circumstances, or my fears, but on Him.  I need to get on with living and not wait until things aren't hard in life to be happy.  Thank you God for restoring my peace and joy!  

Thank you for being my Savior tonight.

Because It Does

With everything that's been going on you'd think I'd be writing more.  One thing I've learned about myself...when I'm a little stressed I talk a lot.  When I'm super stressed...

I get quiet.  I shut down.  At least for a time.

But after a while I need to start opening up, or else all the thoughts and feelings and anxiety starts revealing itself in not so happy ways.  

Panic attacks.

Insomnia.

Feeling like something is squeezing my chest and making it difficult to breathe.

Tired all the time.

Overwhelmed.

I'm learning that it's possible to feel all these things and yet still trust God.  I used to berate myself when I got anxious or overwhelmed - thinking it was a sign of a lack of faith.  The more I get to know God, I realize that He wants me to bring these emotions to Him, not try to erase them or hide them from Him, or from others, and even from myself.  

I've spent a significant amount of my life pretending that everything was ok.  Even in the worst of circumstances, I can convince others and even myself that I'm fine.  And I even believe it sometimes.  I numb out with a variety of things (food has always been my favorite) that shield me from experiencing the thing, maybe not completely but at least not so intensely.   

I think in a crisis that defense mechanism can be useful and helpful to get through it.  But there comes a time when the numbing out isn't healthy anymore and I have to peel away some layers and deal with them.  

I'm there.

For someone who has lived a lifetime with an intense fear of something going wrong at any moment, the rug being pulled out from under my feet, or getting blind-sided by something unexpected and painful and terrifying...having your husband almost die from a "widow maker" heart attack can threaten to reclaim all the ground you have gained in prayer and therapy.

Here's where I'm tempted to get all "BUT GOD!" and tell of how He has given me amazing peace and unwavering faith and how He's carried me through and I've come out stronger on the other side of this.  

That would sound pretty impressive and spiritual and I'd probably hear a lot of amens.  But I'd be pretending again.  At least partly.  

The truth is, God has given me peace.  And He's also let me experience being terrified.  Maybe so I'd cling to Him harder.  And maybe so I learn on a deeper level to trust Him to be with me and give me what I need in the moment, no matter what happens.  

Even if the worst happens.

God has given me strength to be there for my husband when he has needed me most.  And God has also let me experience feeling weak and overwhelmed and scared.  

Maybe so I'd cling to Him harder.  

As if my life depended on Him.

Because it does.  

Imperfect progress and it's ok that I'm not there yet

Last night I had dinner with my friend Becky.  We sat in her newly remodeled kitchen...that she did ALL HERSELF by the way...painted the cabinets, recovered the dining room chairs, and even resurfaced the countertops HER OWN SELF.  She's that brave and creative and amazing.  

When we get together, it takes very little time for us to dive deep into what I call soul conversation...what we've been thinking about, struggling with, rejoicing over, and learning about ourselves and our faith and our relationships.  Last night was no different.  Two hours flew by in a nano second as we indulged in lo mein and egg rolls and coffee ice cream and rambled and ranted about all the things that have been making up our lives since last time we talked. 

One topic we spend quite a bit of time on (and have been for the past couple years actually) is how we are navigating this season of empty nesting and parenting young adult children who are their very own adult selves and don't want to be parented anymore.  

Sigh.

This is hard.

Harder than I thought it would be, and quite honestly I think so far I am sucking at it.

I used to think things would get easier as the kids got older, that the baby and toddler years were the most challenging and as they grew older and more independent, life would get easier.  It's so cute how I used to think that.  Nothing that I experienced through all the years of parenting, all the books I read and all the things I thought I knew...nothing prepared me for these years when they would leave the nest.  Forge out on their own, no longer wanting or needing my hovering -er, I mean guidance.  

At least when they were babies and they insisted on "me do!" I could still stand there and watch (ok, hover) to make sure they didn't harm themselves with their freedom and independence. But now, not so much.  Now it's "me do!" and "back off...farther...no, farther...keep going, Mom.  I can still see you and feel what you are thinking.  You need to let me go."  

I don’t want to hear that.  That makes my heart hurt and I want to die in my body.  I’d much prefer to hear something like “Mom, what do you think I should do” and “Let’s hang out together for four hours and eat cookie dough and make snow angels and cuddle.”  Or even “Mom, I still need you.”

But then I realize, with the help of my friend and egg rolls and lo mein and coffee ice cream...that this is part of the journey.  This is how it's supposed to be.  We raise them to not need us. 

And their lives are not about me.  

Even though I birthed (some of) them out of my own body, and we had them because we wanted babies and love and family and all the sweet, precious things that come with that forever.  And even though being a mother has been my life's focus and my highest calling for the past 23 years, I now need to swallow this very hard truth.  My kids are not here on this planet to make me feel fulfilled.  They are here to live their own lives, walk out their own journeys, and fulfill their own purposes in this world.  

I have always known this to be true in my brain.  It’s my heart that’s throwing a tantrum.  

Becky gets this.  We are walking parallel roads.  She shared advise she heard recently on how to deal with this so very strong mom desire to fix and help and teach and guide and make them wear their life jackets or better yet, come back to the shore where it's safe when the waters get choppy.  She said in those moments we have one thing to do.  Only one.  And that is to shut it.

Shut.

It.

They don’t want our advise.  Our wisdom doesn’t apply to their lives.  Not now anyway.  When they are in their 40’s they’ll feel differently, but for now they want and need to follow their own callings, make their own decisions and even their own mistakes.  It’s what I did, what we all did, but it's SOOOOOO hard when the maternal lifeguard takes over and we see the waves coming.  We want to make them see what we see, and do what we wish we woulda shoulda done when we saw those same waves coming at us when we were their ages.  When our moms tried to coax or warn us back to shore and we insisted on not.

As hard as it is, I'm learning to keep my feet planted firmly in the sand and enjoy life from the shore as they learn to sail their own boats.  I get the glorious joy and blessing of being part of their stories and sometimes riding along as a passenger and not in the driver's seat.  It's equally thrilling and terrifying, but I am learning to navigate my new role as mom of adult people. 

And I am immensely grateful to have Mr. Wonderful by my side to help keep me sane (not a small job).  He's so much farther along on this journey than I am, and he has unending  grace and patience with me while I figure this all out.  

I may not be there yet, but I'm on my way.

It's funny what turning 50 will do!

Half a century.  I remember teasing my dad when he turned 50 that he was "half a century old"!  I thought I was hilarious then....and now, here I am.  50.  Half a - well, you know.

I have sort of read the book "The Blue Zones" (sort of, meaning I have read alot of it and skimmed the rest).  It's about certain areas in the world where people live the longest, healthiest lives.  They have the highest concentrations of centenarians...people who live to be 100 or more.  Essentially, their secret is simple:  stay active, don't stress, don't eat too much, eat healthy (whole foods, mostly plants), slow down, know your purpose in life, have faith, spend time with your "tribe", love your family, and (my favorite) have a glass of wine!

Just kidding, that's not my favorite.

Ok, sometimes it is.

I love it.  It's so simple, isn't it?  It makes so much sense to me.  So, why then is it so hard to actually live that way?  

Now that I have crossed the bridge of being a "half century old", I am finding myself doing a life review of sorts.  That's nothing new for me, I do this every year around this time and during various changes in the seasons of my life...like empty nest, new job, new husband, new kids, new church, yoga pants.  But this turning 50 thing feels a bit more significant to me.  How have I lived my life so far...and how do I want to live the rest of it?  There is a temptation to think that I am in the "later" years of life now.  Yuck.  Society says I'm only 15 years from retirement.  That may or may not be true for me.  My mom died at 71...that's only 20 years away for me. (Swallows hard).  That's a little more unnerving.  My mom died far too young, and she got old way too early in life.  I loved her, but honestly, she lived like an elderly person for much of her life.  Even when I was a kid she was very sedentary, and limited herself more and more with each passing year.  "I'm too old for that" was a common thing to hear her say.  It was annoying and also sad to watch.

I don't want that to be my story.  I refuse to let it be.  

I heard a quote recently...aging is inevitable, but getting old is optional!  I LOVE that!  I am determined to live my best life.  I'm not there yet.  To be completely transparent, I weight twice what I should.  I have diabetes, high blood pressure and cholesterol.  They are controlled with medication for now, but I am determined to change that and hopefully get off this medication all together.  I know I can, I have the means and the ability, and now I have the motivation.  It's not too late...as long as I don't put it off any longer.  

Living my best life is not only about my physical health...but that is a big part of it.  I want to not only improve and hopefully eliminate the conditions I have, but I also want to have the energy and stamina to do things.  Like hiking in Hawaii and Colorado, climbing the trails to Garvin and Sugar Loaf.  I want to run a 5k, bike the trails around Lanesboro, and heck - walk around the big lake again.  I want to enjoy these things with my husband, our grandkids, and my girlfriends. I want my weight to no longer hinder me from living a vibrant, active life!

Will I live to be a centenarian?  Who knows...maybe I will!  But however long I have on this earth, whether that's 20, 30, 40 or even 50 more years, I want to live my best life, my healthiest life, without limits.  

Being a half century old isn't so bad after all, Dad :) 

So this is what peace feels like

I really shouldn't be feeling peaceful right now.  A week ago I lost my job.  No warning, no explanation, just boom.

It was shocking, it was confusing, it was scary, and I was sad.  I felt betrayed and defeated.  I wanted them to be sorry and realize how badly they had treated me.  I wanted validation.  

I didn't get those things, and I'm glad I didn't because it would have only led to bitterness and anxiety.  Instead, I have turned to the Lord.  I am letting Him teach me how to trust Him.  Even when I don't understand, when it's not fair or right, and when I can't see the path in front of me.  I am learning that He is in control.  I have no doubt that God led me to that job, and that he brought me out of it at just the right time.  I don't know what His purpose was, or what everyone there truly thinks of me, but what I do know is that God had a purpose for my time there and what everyone thinks is not my concern.  He will deal with them and I can let it go and leave it in God's hands to do as He wishes.

That brings peace. 

I have been trusting Him to open doors and close others, so when that happens who am I to question it?  I'll admit, the first couple of hours I was questioning what God was doing.  Did He bring me there just to fail?  Was I mistaken to have left my previous job and take this one?  If it was His will, why did it end so soon, and so badly?  Was it my fault?  

Then as I turned to Him in prayer, He reassured me that He has had a plan all along.  His purposes are for my good, and He will reveal His plan for me in His own timing. 

And that brings peace. 

I am learning to rely on God's manna each day.  I only need to be concerned with each day as I live it.  I can't look too far into the future and wonder or worry, and I can't keep ruminating on the past.  Neither does any good at all.

While I don't know all the why's, I do know that it was 6 weeks of mental and physical exhaustion and I'm glad to be free of it.  I haven't felt this much peace in a while...and I have a feeling this is only the beginning.

Praise workouts and the way it's (not) supposed to be

So I started working out.  Every morning for the past week (not including the weekend because that's just crazy talk) I have set my alarm for 5:45am, which is 1/2 hour earlier than I used to, and I have been actually getting out of bed and starting my workout by 6am.

Not to be all braggy, but this is a big deal for me!  I have not stuck to a workout plan for, oh I don't know, several decades so I'm kinda happy with myself for sticking to this one for a whole week.  And I am enjoying it so much that I don't see me stopping anytime soon...hopefully never.  

Before you are too impressed, I'm not talking about a high energy, aerobic sweatfest.  I'm doing a very low impact stretching and toning routine that I like to call "not-yoga".  It's similar to yoga I suppose, but without the spiritual stuff because this girl don't do that.  (Except for goat yoga.  That is actually an actual thing!  I might have to try that sometime because, baby goats!).  

I've been doing a variation of my not-yoga routine since high school, and I literally noticed the benefits on the very first day.  I have more energy and feel more relaxed all day long.  And it's more than just a workout...I made a playlist of worship songs that lasts for almost exactly 30 minutes (so I don't have to keep checking the clock) and I am using that time for praise or prayer, or both.  What I, for years didn't think I could do (make time to work out OR get up earlier than I had to) has now become the best part of my day.  I look forward to getting up and don't keep hitting the snooze (also, putting my alarm clock a little farther away helps with that little habit).  

And...I feel closer to God, and that is the absolute best.

So after my praise workout - yes!  I'm going to call it my praise workout now!!  So much better than not-yoga :)  After my praise workout I resist the urge to flop on my bed and waste time on facebook, and I put on a podcast instead.  I had been listening to Joyce Meyer's podcast for the past several months while getting ready for work, but a couple weeks ago I started listening to the Proverbs 31 podcast.  It is nothing short of life changing for me.  I'm in the middle of the "Therapy and Theology" series, which is a great follow up to the bible study I just finished on Lysa Terkeurst's book "It's Not Supposed To Be This Way".  

Also life changing.

I seriously needed that book, and this podcast, at this exact time of my life.  Both have helped me on so many levels and I know I am going to be camping on them for some time to come.  And by camping, I mean re-reading the book and things I've hi-lighted in it, going over my study notes, and listening to the podcasts over and possibly over again.  I need repetition to truly learn something.  Some people can hear things once and get it.  I tend to need to go over things two or ten times before I truly retain it and am able to apply the concepts to my life.  

And if I'm going to be totally transparent, there are multiple areas of my life right now that I could say, and some days scream...IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY!!!

1)  I'm SUPPOSED to have a house full of kids, and as I've already talked about here and here, I'm having some adjustment issues with our two babies graduating this year and the idea of an empty nest looming in our not-so-distant future.  Not only that (which is enough) but my male cherub is giving me an aneurysm with his lackadaisical attitude toward school...in this, the home stretch of his senior year.  

"I've got this, Mom", he says.  "Everything's fiiiine, Mother", he says.  

Meanwhile, I'm thinking he should be rounding third and running full bore for home plate, when in reality he is farting around somewhere near 2nd base...kicking the dirt and staring at his glove like he did in t-ball which was adorable back then.  Now, not so much.  

2)  Mr. Wonderful and I are SUPPOSED to have all the kinks worked out in our marriage, particularly in our parenting styles, but to be honest we have walked through some stuff.  Especially over the last five years. Hello counselor, my old friend....I've come to talk with you again...

3)  I'm SUPPOSED to be turning 40, not 50.  I'm not feeling 50.  It sounds old...at least older than I feel.  Maybe that's a good thing?  That I don't feel as old as I actually am?  I guess I don't mind it THAT much, I'm not hung up on age.  But it does feel weird.

4)  As we are approaching the end of our season of "raising children", I am doing a life review of sorts and there are some things that I wish we would have done.  And others I wish we would have done differently.  But one that I'm hung up on right now is that we were SUPPOSED to have taken more vacations as a family.  We wanted to, but as life moved along we never seemed to have the money or the time.  It was easier to pack up and go when the kids were pre-teens, before they had jobs and extra curriculars to keep us tied to home.  

Our kids haven't been deprived, and neither have Vince and I.  I know that.  We have all been on vacations, in various combinations of kids and parents, but we never took a real family vacation ALL together during their growing up years.  Which are now coming to an end.

Sigh.

We are however planning a real deal family vacation for this summer!  We are going to Okoboji, staying by a lake and doing lots of water fun and mini-golfing and game playing and relaxing.  And just being together.  

As I sit here typing that out, I realize that I need to just slap myself - and remember that it's not too late.  It will never be too late.  We will ALWAYS be a family and there will be countless opportunities in the years to come to make even more memories together.  I need to let go of the memories that we didn't make, remember the ones that we did, and look forward to the ones we have yet to make in the future.

And THAT's the way it's SUPPOSED to be :)

When fear grips you

When I was a little girl, there were many things that scared me.  A lot of them weren't real, but some of them were.  Both had a grip on my mind and the more I fed them, the bigger they got.

I'm not really sure how far I've come in this area.

One would think that by now I would have conquered my fears and that my heart would be solidly planted in faith and trust in the LORD.  I can say that most of my childhood fears, I have healed from.   But there are some that remain, and have even grown immensely...especially now that I am the parent of teenagers and young adults.  I thought once my kids got to be these ages, the worries and fears for them would lessen.  Sure, teens have issues, but OUR kids would be so loved and grounded and raised in faith that they would soar above all the sticky, messy things that their peers would experience.

The white picket fence that my mind has always framed around my dreams for our children has some mending to be done.  Or actually, maybe I just need to tear that fence down.  It's not reality.  Not for our children, and not for most I suppose.

Life is messy.

Life is complicated.

Life is painful, sometimes brutally so.

And strongholds are strong.  So very strong.  My stronghold of fear has thick roots that go deep, gripping my soul so tightly that it suffocates me at times and I literally feel like I can't breathe.

I have been walking in a state of fear for weeks, months even, because of things our kids have been going through.  Each, their own individual struggles, none of which are that unusual for their stages in life, but nonetheless they are difficult and my mama heart can't take it sometimes to see them struggle so.  I want so desperately to fix it...not to swoop in and make it all better (well, yea, sometimes that), but more importantly I want them to go to the One who can make sense of their situations and their lives, provide guidance and direction and a life of joy, even amidst heartache.  I want them to go to the One who forgives, redeems, restores, and makes all things new.

And I want them to go there NOW!  GO DIRECTLY THERE NOW!  DO NOT PASS GO!  DO NOT COLLECT $200!

But...

As I so often have done in my life, we tend to take detours.  We think our own way is better, or we just don't think about it that much at all.  We just take the road that, to us, looks faster and smoother but in reality is filled with potholes and road kill and much rougher terrain than the one God would lead us on.  And it often doesn't get us where we truly want to be...which is where God wants to bring us...the place where he provides healing and restoration, renewal and hope.  

We often don't follow that path because we don't always believe that it leads to those wonderful places.    The path He wants to take us down doesn't look easy, and in reality it's not.  Sometimes it is harder.  It's harder to forgive than to stay angry.  It's harder to let go of the wheel and give up control. It's harder to give up something or someone in our life that we desperately want, than to give into our emotions for temporary happiness.  It's harder to allow God to dig deep and pull things out at the roots than it is to just mow off the surface and continue on.  We can't see the end of the road, so we don't trust the Guide.

How come everything always leads back to this one thing...?

Trust.  

Maybe because the opposite of fear is trust.  And trust is something God is consistently and deliberately and intently working on teaching me to do.  He is relentless.  All the tests I've failed when it comes to trusting Him, and he still doesn't give up on me.  

I don't know why that should surprise me.  I will never, ever give up on our kids.  No matter how many struggles they go through, how many detours they take, or how far they sometimes push us away, I will be relentless at pursuing them and doing my best to point them to our Savior.  

And God loves them more, even more than their fathers and I do, and He will never, ever give up on them.  Just that thought makes me take a deep, cleansing breath as I am reminded that He truly is in control.  He can see down the paths we are on, knows all the obstacles, detours and dangers ahead, and even when we don't follow Him, He never leaves us.  

Learning to trust.  I think I've just taken another step.
  

L

Stirring the embers

I'm not exactly sure what a "mid life crisis" looks like for a woman, but I am wondering if that is what I've been going through the past couple years.  I think it started with Nick and Vinny graduating, and Nicolas subsequently moving out.  I don't think I was ready for that emotionally.  And here we are two years later and Hope and Kyle will be graduating two exact years from now.  Already.  It's right around the corner and so is, potentially, an empty nest.

Really?

I don't feel old enough for that.  And I'm not sure what our life will look like then.  Or feel like.  So much of my identity for the past 22 years has been as a wife and a mom.  It's what I looked forward to as a little girl, and where I have focused my attention ever since my first walk down the aisle at 25.   I know I will still be a wife and a mom, and a grammie too :). But it's not the same when they leave the house.  They don't need me as much and while I know that is the goal...to teach our kids to be independent and launch out into the world on their own...it hurts a bit.  A lotta bit.  There is an emptiness that makes me pause and say...now what?

I wonder if this is what my mom went through after I left home.  There was a distinct change in her that I can see now.  Looking back, I think she was extremely lonely.  She wasn't dating anymore, her mother had died, she had a love/hate relationship with her sister Arlene, and all of us kids were out on our own living our own lives.  I realize that is when she started shopping and buying and crowding her small apartment with so many "things".  There was always "one more thing" she needed and then she would be "done".  But she was never done, she kept accumulating things and filling up her apartment.  She began leaving her safe little cluttered home less and less and her world got smaller and smaller.  I can see it now, but I didn't understand it then.

There are some ways I know I am like my mother, but this is not one of them.  I am in "purge" mode. I want to declutter and simplify.  I also don't want to let my world get small.  There are things that I used to love to do that I have let fade out of my life....playing my piano, taking pictures, going for walks and enjoying nature, being involved in women's ministry, and being on the worship team.  And connecting with friends. Part of it has been a time issue.  The kids are much more involved in things now than ever - their social lives have exploded to include boyfriends and girlfriends, jobs, and a plethora of school/sports/theater/church activities that all demand rides to and fro on almost a daily basis.  Often multiple times a day.  I'm not complaining (sometimes maybe a little) but I am happy to do the rides for a little while longer because I know once they get their licenses and own cars they will be gone more than they are home.  I will miss our car time, where we have some of our best talks and laughs.

I think I have figured out what has been going on.  About 5 years ago things began to change...slowly at first but after a couple years it really picked up speed and knocked me off my feet.  I haven't fully recovered.  But I am beginning to see - by the grace of God, no doubt, because I have been praying for God to open my eyes to why I have lost sight of so many of these things that I have been passionate about.  It was a slow fade.  A slow chipping away at these thing. Believing the daily little lies from the enemy of our souls that I don't have the time, don't have the energy, don't have the talent, don't have the faith to pour myself into any of my passions anymore.  Satan is very patient.  This didn't happen overnight.  Like I said, it was a slow fade.  That is how he works.  If he can't take something away immediately, as can happen with a sudden tragedy when he tells us that God has failed us and we throw down our faith and walk away...he will be patient and slowly chip away at it until there is very little left for us to hold onto.  Or we simply forget about it.

And then we wake up a few years later and realize it and wonder what happened to our passion?  My passion.  I have asked God to renew and restore it.  And that is what he is doing.  I see it now.  And I will not beat myself up over it.  I will just do what I have always done...come back to God, give it to Him, and ask Him to direct my path everyday.  Ask him to restore what I have lost and make beauty from ashes.  I can feel Him stirring the embers.

I'm tired and some good ideas

I need a do over.  Not a major do over like I have made the wrong choices in life and now I'm going to go all Thelma and Louise.  No, I've just been feeling like in certain areas of my life I'm stuck in a rut, spinning my wheels...

I SO don't want to be that girl that lives my life hearing all the good advice and reading all the books and going through one bible study after another and having all the big ideas and making all the plans.......but never truly making any real, lasting changes.  Consuming but never digesting.  Taking things in, but not applying them to my life.

What in the world am I talking about?

Top on my list is, and has been for a couple decades now...I want to be healthy.  Truly healthy.  Physically. Spiritually.  Financially.  I want to have an organized house that is clean and well maintained.  We aren't hoarders or anything, and our house isn't in complete disarray.  But it could use some help.  I want our home to be warm and inviting and comfortable.  One that I feel good about having people over without notice.  It doesn't have to be perfect, and likely never will be, that's ok with me. I just want it to be the place where our family can't wait to be.  A place that is "come on in" ready so if someone stops by I don't feel embarrassed about the walls that need painting, the windows that need cleaning, and the carpets that need shampooing (replacing, really). Basically I want our home to feel like a coffee shop.  Warm atmosphere, good smells, music...a place where we can relax without all the distractions of things undone.  (And I suppose without all the strangers on their laptops drinking coffee, that would be weird.) (People making mochas for me whenever I wanted, that would be ok).

I know it's totally do-able.  We can do all the things it would take to create our oasis.  We know how to paint and clean and update fixtures and such, and contrary to (my) popular belief, we can make the time. So, what's stopping us?  Well that's where the other areas come into play.  Specifically, my health.  To be brutally honest,  I don't have the energy.  I'm tired.  And I'm tired of being tired.  We've been eating out too much for some time now, so in an effort to be healthier and also in a better place financially, I've been cooking at home more.  It's been great and I've made some yummy new things (don't you just love those "Tasty" videos on Facebook?  I've made a few of those recipes so far and they have all been awesome!).  But it comes at a price...for the past few nights of my home-cooking adventures I have stopped at the grocery store after work for essential ingredients, gone home and got to cooking (with a glass of wine in hand) and really enjoyed the process!  Garlic and onion saute'd in olive oil and butter smells like heaven.  But by the time we ate and cleaned up it was literally 8pm.  And after a poor night's sleep the night before, which has unfortunately become a regular thing for me lately, I have no more energy to do anything around the house.  Combined with running into town, or waiting in town to pick up the kids from their highschooly things, we get to bed too late most nights and by the time the weekend hits, we just want to relax, or get away, or both.

So.

I need a plan.  I know that the first step to accomplish any goal is to make a plan.

Well, the thing is I have made the plans.  I have read the books and the blogs, and coveted friends and Pinterest strangers who seem to have it together better than I do.  And I have repeated my mantra that "every choice, every step, every bite, every hour and every dollar counts".  I have believed this and committed myself to living this way...over and over...and then before I know it I find myself in my recliner scrolling through Facebook and eating Ben &  Jerry's out of the carton.

I find myself there...as if I didn't put myself there.

It's all about choices.  I know this.  But I think if I just wasn't so tired I would make better choices.  So that is where I need to start I guess...make myself not so tired.  Which brings me back to my health.  It seems to always come back to my health.

Funny that.

So.

I think my plan needs to include doing some prep work on the weekends so that my weeks aren't so overwhelming and exhausting.  Ding! Ding! Ding!  Ok.

Good idea #1.  Get grocery shopping done on the weekends and plan (healthy) meals ahead of time so I'm not stopping at the grocery store after work. (Or just saying "screw it" and getting takeout).

Good idea #2.  Make myself start getting ready for bed by 9pm.  I always sleep better if I get to bed earlier.

Good idea #3.  Exercise.  That seems to be the tough thing to work into my days.  Partly because my days are so packed with other things, and also because I don't want to.  But I need to get over myself and make the time.  And do my "Not-Yoga" routine in the evenings (it's like Yoga, but not Yoga because I don't do Yoga), and also walking the dog and doing my elliptical at least a few times a week.  I can do these things.

Good idea #4.  Be consistent in taking my Plexus supplements...a post for another day, but this I have discovered is HUGE in improving and maintaining my health and energy.  (But I have to cooperate with the healthy eating and exercise and rest, it's not a magic pill).  (Wouldn't it be nice if there was a magic pill?) (Sigh).

Good idea #5.  Hire someone to do some cleaning and painting in our house.  Seriously.  I'll have to talk to Vince about that one.

Good idea #6.  Pray about all of this and rely on God's help, every day.  Because I can't do this on my own.

There.

That, kids, is how I make a plan!  Which, as I have already said, I have done many times before...but the thing about making plans is that you apparently have to DO the plans in order for them to work.

Plans are funny that way.

I'll let you know how this one goes.  Prayers welcome.

Things that give me anxiety that probably don't bother normal people

I have issues with anxiety.  So, it's kind of funny how I get told, quite often actually, how calm I am.  I mean, I guess I can see it.  I don't tend to get riled up about stuff very often - not in certain situations anyway.  Like at work, I am told frequently that I have a calming effect on people.  I suppose that's a good thing since I'm a social worker.   I can't explain why, except to give God ALL the credit, but I am generally not uncomfortable in emotionally charged situations.  Someone is sad or grieving?  I'm on my way. Someone is angry, furious even?  I'm on it. Confused? Agitated? Unreasonable? Show me the way.  I will be on a mission to make things better.  I love the opportunity to diffuse, comfort, bring clarity and healing.  In every job I've ever had, the most challenging people are my favorites.

But then there's the fact that I am also crazy.  I mean, my family and some lucky friends know all about my crazy, but I am usually able to conceal it well enough from the rest of the people in my circles.  Where things are a little less transparent.  Where it's kind of a necessity to keep a lid on the crazy and maintain some assemblance of normal.  Like at work, and at church, and well, in public - it's kind of important not to FREAK THE CRAP OUT.  But there are some situations that get me rattled and anxious that probably don't bother normal people.

1.  Small talk.  We just met five seconds ago and you want to talk about something deep and personal? Well pull up a chair, my good friend, I'm all about that.  Let's get some coffee and bear our souls.  But saying "hi" and "how are you" and trying to figure out something superficial to talk about makes me all kinds of uncomfortable.  I never know how to answer the "how are you" question.  I don't like to be fake, I much prefer real and transparent.  But if I don't know you very well then I am not quite sure if you are just being polite, or if you really want to know that I'm a little crabby because I got into an argument with my husband/child/dog this morning and have a headache and a raging case of pms. Is that what you want?  Or will you look at me like "Heh, um ok. Well, nice to see you (wow, TMI much?)"

2.  Running into people I know while shopping.  Uh boy, here we are - carts approaching. Should I stop my cart to chat or will we do a drive by hello?  What if I stop and you don't want to, but feel obligated to stop because I do?  And then we will be in a full on small talk situation.  And if we do stop, how long will we talk? Am I blocking an aisle and people are getting mad at me?  GAH!  This has nothing to do with whether I like you or not.  I probably really do, and in another situation I would love to chat a while, but when I am shopping I am on a mission and I just want to get in and out of there as quick as possible and if I see you I might skip two whole aisles just to avoid the awkward grocery store greeting scenario.

3.  Sitting in back seats of cars.  This is a claustrophobia thing as well as a motion sickness thing.  If it is a large vehicle with a roomy back seat and I have the whole back seat to myself and some Dramamine in my veins, I will probably be ok.  But put me in the middle between two other people in a cramped back seat and I will go into full freak out mode.  This also applies to buses.  I just can't do it.  No way, no how.

4.  Being in a crowded room.  It doesn't even have to be like shoulder to shoulder crowded, it can be a spacious banquet room, but even then I could not sit at a table in the middle of the room.  I would have to sit in the back, or along the side where there is easy access to an exit.  This stems from my social phobia as a child.  First days of school were so stressful for me because teachers made seating charts and I didn't know where I would have to sit.  What if I had to go to the bathroom or vomit or something and I was sitting in the middle of the room and had to get up in front of everyone?  I was much better in high school when teachers started letting us pick our own seats.  I would always strategically place myself closest to the door.  I still do that to this day if I go to a workshop or church or any other type of gathering.

5.  Having to introduce myself in a meeting.  I can lead worship at my church or give a presentation at work, but when we have to "go around and introduce yourself" all the blood drains from my brain and I suddenly can't remember my name.  I have even been known to write my name down on my notepad in front of me in case when it's my turn I freeze.  Seriously.

6.  Paying at the pump.  This has to do with my (I know it's irrational) fear of getting arrested and going to jail because I did something illegal and didn't realize it.  This is not new for me, it's been a (irrational) fear of mine for my entire adult life.  I am a rule follower.  I don't even speed (ok, maybe four miles over). I wear my seatbelt, even if I'm only driving a block away.  I put my cart back.  And I don't park in the spots designated for "senior shoppers".  Ever.  So I am always a bit anxious paying at the pump with my debit card because what if my card doesn't work and I drive away without paying for my gas and an hour later a cop shows up at my house to arrest me?  Accidently shoplifting, having someone stash drugs in my car, or running over a pedestrian are also ideas that freak me out because they could land me in the slammer.   Or, I suppose, the psych ward would be a bit more realistic.

7.  Walking out of a store without buying anything.  This also stems from anxiety #6.  As I said before, when I shop I like to get in, get my stuff, and get out.  I do not enjoy leisurely pushing a cart around without a purpose anymore.  So if I happen to go into a store for one thing, and they don't have it, I will leave and I always feel like all the employees' eyes are on me walking out of the store without going through the checkout line, and as I take those first few steps out the door and onto the parking lot, part of me (the crazy part) waits to see if alarms will go off and I will be tackled by the Target security guy for shoplifting nothing.

8.  Taking the first item off the shelf.  Ok, this one sort of borders on OCD.  I don't buy the first item in the row.  I might pick it up and look at it, but if I decide to buy it I will grab the second one in line and put the first one back.  There are a couple reasons for this.  The first item was handled most by other shoppers and probably dropped.  Or wrinkled.  Or sneezed on.  If I am going to spend my money on something I want it to be in mint condition and booger free.  Also if it is a grocery store item in the refrigerator section, I have this thing that the stuff in the front row is not as cold as the stuff behind.  That probably isn't true, but it is a thing for me.  And everyone knows they put the newer stuff with the later expiration dates in the back. So I will always reach in the back for the coldest, freshest stuff.  Because I have a thing with expiration dates too.

I'm sure I could come up with more, but that is probably enough neurosis for one blog post!

Why I could just puke on myself

I had a revelation today.  A huge one, actually.  It was one of those life-changing moments that made me pause in my mental tracks and say, "whoa".  It all started with the book I am reading right now...

It is so good.  Amazing...so amazing that I began having my revelation while I was still reading the introduction.  When that happens, I know it's going to be good!  The book is about a Christian mom (a very funny one, which is always a plus in my eyes) who took herself and her family and a group of friends on a journey to let God teach them about the excess in their lives.  The purpose of the journey was to empty some space that is typically occupied with "stuff", and make room for the Holy Spirit to move in their hearts.

So as I began reading last night, I started to realize something that I have kind of known, but somehow this time it just slapped me in the face:  I am so pampered!  I am a spoiled brat. And so are you, by the way.  We all are, those of us who live in this country of plenty.  Plenty of food, everywhere.  Comfort, luxury in fact, abounds all around us.  We are so used to it that we don't even see it.  We crave comfort, and it is smothering us.  We want to be just the right temperature...not too hot, not too cold.  We want comfy chairs and comfy beds and comfy clothes and comfy cars and comfy jobs and comfy faith and comfy lives.  We have all this, and we have the audacity to want more. 

So...with that realization smacking me around this morning, I began praying for God to show me what to do about it.  I mean, it's not my fault that I live here, right?  This is the society we live in, this is our reality.  It's not like I can just sell everything and move to Africa and be poor, as if that would somehow accomplish something spiritual.  That's not what God is calling me to do right now. 

So, what is He asking of me?  What am I supposed to do with this new revelation? 

Bless others.  It's that simple.  Use the gifts and talents and the abundance of blessings He has given me to bless others.  BING!  That's it.

So right there in my bedroom this morning I asked Him, begged Him to show me how, rather than heaping my blessings up on myself and those whom I know and love who are already blessed.  We spend so much time "blessing the blessed", and ignoring the poor.  The orphans.  The widows.  The lonely.  The desperate.   The lost.  They are everywhere.  And they are waiting.

But I don't have time for all that.  I have a family to raise and a full time job and a life and everything...I am so overwhelmed, how can I possibly do more, God?

That is exactly what satan wants me to think.  Every time I start to have a desire to reach out to others, he says "it's time to get her busy". 

I am so sick of hearing me say "I'm too busy" that I could just puke on myself!

So as I got ready for work this morning, I asked God to help me stop being "too busy".  To stop filling my mind with my own thoughts and listen to His voice, the voice that whispers as it leads.  And much to my surprise, my day was sprinkled with opportunities.  Opportunities to be a blessing to others.  So many opportunities, and instead of ignoring them or letting them overwhelm me or grieve my heart, I listened. 
  
"Go sit with him, have your breakfast with him and talk."

"Don't rush...listen to her.  Your other work can wait."

"Put lotion on his hands."

"Ask her if she knows Jesus."

"Go talk to him...yea, it's an hour past his bedtime and he's still messing around.  But he wants to talk to you.  Don't worry about the time, just go."

And in each of these opportunities, I listened. And something happened.  Something miraculous. 

I made a difference.

I can't wait for tomorrow.  For more opportunities to listen to God's voice and respond.  It's so easy, it's so worth it.  And I will not be too busy. 

Vince thinks they're ugly but I don't care....doo-dah, doo-dah

Vince thinks they're ugly but I don't care....oh-a-doo-dah-day.

They are my new shoes, and they make me happy. 

They especially make my feet happy.  I have had plantar fasciitis on and off for prolly 14 years (which may or may not coincide with the number of years that I have been overweight).  If you are not familiar, plantar fascitis is when you injure the tissues in your heel and it takes forever to heal.  Runners get it alot, and coincidently so do people who buy a cheap pair of clogs that do not have enough cushion or arch support, but you wear them everyday anyway and ignore the developing heel pain because you love them so much until one day you wake up and can't walk.

I have tried many types of shoes and inserts over the years, with varying degrees of success and price, and I can honestly say that these shoes are the most comfortable shoes I have ever owned.  Seriously.  They are like  "Shape-ups" by Sketchers, but are supposedly just as good for about 1/3 of the price.  (My dad in me just did a little happy dance over that - he loves a good deal, and so do I.)  They have curved heels, which takes the pressure off your heel, and also apparantly give your legs a work out as you walk in them.  Bonus.  Sounds like a gimick, I know, but the reviews all say that they work.  I don't care about that so much as the comfort.  They are like walking on big cushy clouds.  The only downside is that because the heel is so curvy there is a slight rocking motion and if I lose my balance I may just tip right over backwards like a weeble. 

I was on a shopping excursion with my sister in law, Donna, today and might I say we had a marvelous time!  We spent a significant amout of time at one of my favorite stores in downtown Winona...Hearts Desire, where we sampled various dip mixes and drooled over the cute snowmen (ok, maybe that was just me).  Then we got beverages and sat and talked at Blooming Grounds, the best little coffee shop evah.  I got an orange-mango-guava green tea smoothie, which if you are looking for something cold and icey and fruity,  is THE bomb. 

Then we spent way too long at Shopko, where I did my usual...picking out things I want and/or need, then after walking around the store for another hour or so I begin to have buyers guilt and put things back before I buy them.  Hey, at least buyer's guilt is better than buyer's remorse, right?  I should have gotten that jacket, tho. 

Speaking of jackets, I have lost mine.  Both my winter one and my spring/fall one.  It's the weirdest thing.  So if I have been to your house in the last 6 months, and you have either a white, black & burgandy Columbia jacket, or a long navy jacket with a hood and a hole in the right pocket hanging in your closet and you have no idea where in the world it came from, please let me know as they are mine and I am cold.

I love to journal, and I've decided I'm going to be turning a corner with my blog.  I plan on getting a little more personal.  A little more descriptive. A little more rambly and possibly a little more boring...but hopefully not.  I am not focusing on entertaining anyone (althought that quite likely will happen as I write more about our crazy life), but rather, I want to documenting memories.  In writing or in pictures, I want to be able to look back and read this and remember the day to day stuff that makes life what it is...a journey.  OH!  Have you ever noticed that journal and journey are nearly the same word?

Time

Why does life have to be so difficult sometimes?  I mean really.  When is it going to be my turn to have the stress free, uncomplicated, and unimaginably blissful existence that I have always thought life was supposed to be.  If I do things right.  Aren't I supposed to eventually end up "there".  Where things are easy and calm? 

Hmmph.  Just a tad unrealistic, perhaps.

I can't go into it, but basically I am feeling torn between the demands of my job and the needs of my family.    I'm almost paralized by fear of making the wrong decision and regretting.  I am very passionate about what I do.

But...

My family needs more from me, more than I have been giving them. 
Our kids need me to be there for them...to drive them to their activities and pick them up. 
To be sitting in the bleachers cheering them on. 
To be there after school to help with homework,
to talk about their day and help them work through issues with their friends or their teachers. 
To give them love, guidance, encouragement, laughter....

Time. 

I need to be home in time to make a meal and sit down together as a family, rather than getting home late, throwing some frozen pizza at them and then rushing back out the door.  It's not like that every night, but all too often it is.

I am asking my blog-reading friends to please pray for me.  I need some wisdom!  And some open doors - at least one with an obnoxiously bright flashing light saying "ENTER HERE!"

I now remember why I have the urge to kill someone...

You'd think after 25ish years or so, I would remember that "PMS week" (aka "stay out of my path" week) typically makes me homicidal for a few days until the hormones level out.  "It 'splains the events of yesterday a little better, no?  Because I don't go around slamming and breaking things on a normal day.  Really, I don't.  I like to believe that I have alot more patience and self control than that.

Today is somewhat better.  I'm not angry at any particular person or situation, but I am feeling a bit lethargic and unmotivated today, even with a full 8 hours of sleep.  I'd hate to see how I'd be feeling if I had not gone to bed early last night.  So glad I did THAT!

I am very needy... 
I need adequate sleep. 
I need some Midol (does that really work?)
I need a date with Mr. Wonderful this weekend.
I need more of Jesus. 

What happens when mama loses it...

...when she hasn't had enought sleep for many nights in a row, when she doesn't get home until almost 8pm and then has to face dishes and laundry and homework not done, and when the kids' fighting gets on her last frazzled nerve and she yells like a velociraptor and everyone scatters. Except for her husband who comes to her rescue with his calm, patient demeanor. But not in time to stop her from slamming carelessly dropping her beloved Pampered Chef Batter Bowl in the dishwasher whilst emotionally compromised and thus shattering it.

Hmmph.

I'm just being real.

I could pretend that I'm "mom of the year" and never lose it, but what good would that do, really?  Just to keep things in perspective, I don't go around berating my husband or my children, or swear at them, or hit them with objects.  When I say "lose it", I mean I raise my voice a little too much, close doors a little too harshly and say things like "if I have to say it ONE MORE TIME I'm going to FREAK OUT!"  Oh, and apparantly I put the dishes into the dishwasher a little too hard as well. 

Sigh.

Am I alone here?

Someone make me laugh please.  I really need it. 

Here, this will do the trick...and give you a little insight into why I sometimes turn into crazy mom.  I'm going to watch this about three more times and then I'm going to bed.  Both will be good therapy for me.

Covet much?

It just makes me sick.  Sick I tell you.  So much so that I could totally throw up right now.  Except for the fact that it would require me to get out of bed, and I am enjoying my Saturday morning "I'm not getting out of bed yet because there is nothing going on that I need to hurry up and run around  like a crazy person to rush myself and/or the children out the door for" experience.  Vince is already up and gone.  He has a ministry head meeting today at church, which hopefully they will bring their bodies to as well because having a meeting with just a bunch of heads might be awkward.  What if someone has to go to the bathroom?

It's SO fun inside my head sometimes.

Anyway, back to the thing that is making me sick.  I am enjoying reading my favorite blogs this morning, propped up in bed with the windows behind me open to a most gorgeous Minnesota day!  We don't get them that often, so we have to enjoy them when we can.  There are about 6 days a year, maybe 7 if we are really lucky, where it's not too hot or too cold or too humid or too windy or too buggy or too icey to enjoy the outdoors, and today appears to be one of them, so yay!!  I'm happy already.  We will be outside all day today at our summer home...the baseball field just around the corner from our house.  Nick and Kyle basically live there all summer and consequently so do I.  Between practices and games and tournaments, we are there 5-7 days a week from May - August.  I'll be working the consession stand for a couple hours today during the boys' tournament, which I actually love doing because of all the social...I get to talk to everyone coming up for hotdogs and nachos and hopefully some walking tacos cause those are all kinds of awesome!  I'll be sitting around with the other parents, talking and laughing and cheering our boys on, while our children run amuck and I'm getting my pink freezy fix.

Squirrel.

The thing that is making me sick is not what you think.  I have no idea what you are thinking really, but I'm pretty sure it's not that.  It's actually a good thing.  It's a blog that I love to read and am inspired by...a perfect family.  And when I say perfect, I do mean perfect.  They are drop dead gorgeous, every one of them.  The mom, the dad, and every one of their 7 children look like models.  Seriously.  They live in the country and are always doing special, unique and creative things together as the mom photographs all these moments with her Canon 40D.  Sigh.  The kids are always smiling and the mom frequently talks about how well all of her children get along, as evidenced by the pictures of the older siblings helping and holding and loving on the younger ones.  Boys with arms around eachother.  Children looking adoringly at their mother.  Her last post was about how she makes her children's clothes.  Makes them, as in with a sewing machine and fabric and everything.  They are not rich, they don't even have central air or even watch tv.  And the best part of their lives?  Their faith, and humility, and gratitude.  It's genuine, which is what attracts me to their blog in the first place. 

I know what you are thinking.  This time I really do, because I'm thinking the same thing...no family is perfect.  And I shouldn't be coveting what others have, I should focus instead on the blessings that God has poured out on us, on my own family, and stop comparing. 

I do do that (do do?)  Really, I do.  I know how blessed we are - Vince and I - to have found eachother and created a life together after going through the losses of our former spouses and surviving the fracturing of our families.  We are living our second chance, and our children are reaping the benefits of that as well.  It doesn't always feel like a blessing though, especially when the kids are battling their own demons...trying to get along, trying to find their place in this new family as they learn how to reconcile "what was" with "what is".   Trying to love their stepparents while remaining loyal to their "real" ones.  It's not easy for any of us and sometimes I fall back into the trap of wanting the perfect family.  Where the kids are happy all the time, they feel loved all the time, they never feel the need to be jealous of eachother and I never feel like I'm failing them. 

So this other blog with their picture perfect life doesn't really make me sick.  It makes me sad.  Because that is what I have always wanted since I was a little girl.  It's what I tried desperately to create in my first marriage, but failed.  And it's what Vince and I have been trying to create with our blending family, one that sometimes feels like we are living in a blender set on "pulverize" and someone forgot to put on the lid. 

But God, through all the challenges, is teaching me to go beyond learning how to accept change, which He has been working so hard with me on for so long.  Now He's taking me a step further and teaching me to accept reality.  The reality that no one and no family is perfect, and I need to stop comparing my blessings with others', or what I perceive them to be.  God is doing a new thing in all of us, and two years into it I have to remember it still really is a very new thing.

God does not want perfection, He desires progress.  I heard that recently, and it makes me take a big deep breath of relief.  I'm not a perfectionist in every area of my life, but I am quite hard on myself when it comes to my family.  I desperately want to do things right.  I have alot of guilt over putting my kids through a divorce, even though it was not my choice.  I see what it has done to them and try as I do, I can't heal their wounds.  I also have alot of guilt over Vince's kids moving to a new community and leaving their friends behind and the pain that has caused them. 

Yet, I see in all of this the hands of God working.  Sometimes - often times - He does His best work in our suffering.  When ties are broken and we experience loss, He can bring healing that could not be experienced any other way.  And He can create new things as He gently helps us let go of the old.  I need to let go of my expectations of a perfect family, and recognize anew all of the many blessings and miracles that He has done and continues to do in our family.  With all of our imperfections and stumbling, we are walking this new path together...each step becoming more sure than the last as we climb the mountains and walk the valleys.  We are learning to link arms and support eachother along the way.  We are learning to fix our eyes on Jesus, our Guide.  And I am learning that beauty does not come from homemade clothes and pictures on a blog.  It comes from looking at our lives through our own lenses, not someone else's, and seeing beauty. 

Because it is here.

Hello, my name is Lisa and my favorite color is brown

I am learning to embrace change.  It's not easy for me, but finally at age 40 I am realizing that it's necessary. 

When you are learning something new, and you start to see how much it is opening up your world and revolutionizing your life, do you spend time wishing that you had learned it oh, say 20 years ago???  I do.  But, part of the beauty of embracing change for me is realizing that it's ok to learn something new and move forward without regret or berating myself for not learning it sooner.  That time was not wasted...all those years that I feared change and resisted it.  God was busy teaching me different things then.  Now, I am ready to learn this lesson...to embrace change rather than fear it.

I am a creature of comfort.  I crave sameness and predictability, it gives me a sense of security.  I'm not just talking about big things like being married to the same man for the rest of my life, working for the same agency for 17 years and counting, and not wanting to move out of our home...ever.  Even in the little things of life, I find what I like, where I am comfortable and what I enjoy...and I stick with it.  I have my favorite restaurants and I usually order the same thing nearly every time.  Even at HuHot, the mongolian grill that I am absolutely in all kinds of love with.  The whole idea of that place is to try things new and different, but I have my favorite recipe written down and keep it in my purse so that I can make the same meal every time I go there.  Some may find that boring, my husband for one.  But he's not judgemental about it.  He's perfectly happy that I order the same meal every time we go somewhere, even though he happens to be the exact opposite.  He goes for things different and unique.  And that's fine with me too, I get to live adventurously by stealing a bite off his plate!

I'm not just like this with food.  I like to do things the same way in other areas too.  For instance, I still say that my favorite color is green, because it always has been...when actually for some time now I have been all about brown.  Can you change your favorite color?  It almost feels like a betrayal.  Forgive me, my beloved Green, I still love you but it's time that you step aside and take second place in my heart and my wardrobe.

And (this is really significant) until recently, I have always dried my hair upside down.  This goes way back to my college days when I had the "big hair" going on. (I really miss big hair.  I had a rockin' spiral perm too).  However it really hasn't been working for me to dry my hair that way anymore.  Until recently that is what I've been doing...just because that's how I do it.  And I've had the bad hair days to prove it.

Yes, I realize that sounds pathetic.  Because it is.  But it's all part of my process of learning that change is ok.  Little everyday changes, and big life altering ones too.  I can do things in a different way, or like something new, or even consider a new career...just because I want to.  Or I can.  I've been too afraid to do these things before.  Especially without alot of thought.  I've always thought that change has to be a process in order for it to be real.  And if the thought of change is scary, then maybe it's not what God wants me to do?  After all, God feels safe, right?  Well, God doesn't motivate by fear, and I'm now realizing that real and lasting change doesn't have to be a process.  Sometimes it is, but it can also happen in an instant.  One decision.  One encounter with God.  One word from a believing friend.  One thought planted in your mind by the Holy Spirit can change the course of the rest of your life.  Today.

Sometimes it will still feel scary.  It's ok.  Do it anyway.  That's the definition of courage....do it scared.

Don't worry, I'm not going to get all crazy.  I will still carry around in my purse my recipe for my favorite meal at HuHot, the same one I make every time we go because I know I'll love it.  And I will continue to hang on to my hair scrunci's and my diffuser, just in case.  Whoever decided that big hair wasn't in style anymore anyway?  You make me sad.

I'm here! I'm here! Wait....where am I?

I haven't fallen off the face of the earth yet.  Not that I'm aware of anyway.  But if you know me, then you know that it's not outside the realm of possibility that I have indeed fallen off the planet and am still oblivious to my whereabouts. 

Let's pretend, just for kicks and giggles, that I am still here.  Where exactly HERE is, I'm not so sure. 

Am I starting a daycare?  I don't know.

Am I quitting my job?  I don't know. 

Am I sure of what God wants me to do?  Heavens no. 

Am I confused?  Ummmm....yea.  You could say that I'm just a little confused.  Kind of like the Grand Canyon is just a little hole.

I built it, and they have not come.  I am all ready to open my daycare.  I've got toys, games, activities, plans, a website, contracts, policies, a license from the State of MN, an ad in the paper and our town newsletter, and I've got lots and lots of people encouraging me and telling me how fast I'm going to fill up and what a wonderful thing this is that I'm doing.  What I don't have are kids.  Other people's kids I mean (I still have my own, of course).  I don't have one single family signed up.  Barely any calls even.  I spent $80 on a 2 week ad in our paper and got exactly one phone call.  They wanted a daycare that would be open from 6am - 10pm.  Umm, sorry no.  It's been almost 2 months and not a single bite.  So here I am sitting on the end of the dock with my pole in the water, waiting...while my bobber is bobbing around and nothing is happening except the sound of crickets chirping in the background.

Am I learning to trust God in all of this confusion?  I'd like to say yes...I'd love it in fact...to be able to honestly say that my faith is growing and I'm more sure than ever that God is and will continue to guide my steps and lead me down the right path. 

I could say that.  But I'd be lying. 

This is what I get for praying for God to help me trust Him more.  He just lets me flounder around in a big ole cesspool of confusion...or so it seems from my perspective.  Which I don't trust AT ALL anymore.  I could add an "hmmmph" here, but that just wouldn't cut it.  Because I'm actually pretty mad.  I'm just wondering what in the world is going on?  I thought this is what God wanted me to be doing.  I thought it was an answer to years of prayers to be able to be home with my kids and still be able to provide for them financially.  I thought it was the right timing, and the right everything.

I'm not sure how to feel about all of this now.  Or what to do.  I'll just keep working at my job I guess (which I do love) until God makes it clear that He wants me to do something else (which I thought He had already done, but I won't go there again).   

Has this ever happened to you?  Where you thought you were on the path that God had planned for you, but it just wasn't going where you thought He was leading you?

There is no Plan B...

Wow. How selfish I have been. How easy it is to lose focus and forget why God created me...why in the world I am here.

I spend so much time thinking about what will make me happy.  What I want out of my life. 

How much do I really do for others?  Am I making a difference in anyone's life?  How many people have I lead to Jesus...who are on their way to Heaven now because I have been courageous enough and loving enough to share the truth with them? 

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me.  If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it. And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul? Is anything worth more than your soul?  Matthew 16:24-26