Saturday, October 19, 2013

Panic attacks, deep breathing, and my all-time favorite smell

Campfire Marshmallow.  It's my favorite smell in the world right now.  IN THE WORLD.  Seriously, I can't even tell you.  I've had the candle burning in the kitchen for most of the day and it is emanating throughout the whole house, making it smell so yummy!  I discovered this heavenly smelling candle at Pieces of The Past (my favorite store in downtown Winona) years ago and I told Vince today that if he ever wonders what to get me for Christmas or my birthday or you know, Thursday...he could get me anything "campfire marshmallow" and I will be very happy.  It's been a lazy kind of Saturday.  Well, I've been keeping myself very busy all day so lazy isn't the right word I guess, but I've been home all day with no where that I needed to go and I loved it.  My day was filled with laundry, cleaning, some Casting Crowns, kale chips (gross...although Hope loved them) and a little piano.  I am learning how to play a new song "I Will Rise" by Chris Tomlin, which is my new favorite worship song right now. 

Lord knows I need me some worship music to help me maintain what's left of my sanity.

Nick is driving now. 

Deep cleansing breath.

Yes, my baby is driving.  He has his license and his own car and his own mind and everything.  And I am having some trouble adjusting. 

It's not that I don't want him to grow up, or that I'm not excited for him or immensely proud of him.  I am all those things!  I think what's hard about this for me is the not knowing.  And the independence.  And the being out of my sight for longer than I'd like.  And the driving.  Mostly, yea it's the driving.  The driving on the roads with the other cars and the dark  and the wind and the rain and the cell phone which I have made him promise and swear and threatened him not to even think about while he's driving.

Deep cleansing breath.

I try not to worry, really I do.  Ok, no I don't.  I worry a lot.  Which, I know shows lack of faith.  But I struggle with trusting because I can pray for God to protect my children from harm, but there are no guarantees.  Bad things happen.  To Christians even.  Christians who pray.  We ask God for protection and bad things happen anyway sometimes.  That's my fear.  Like now, for instance.  Nick is at a friend's house in a small town near here with a group of other teenage drivers who have all gathered at this friend's house to "hang out".  I told him to call at 10:45 when he is supposed to leave to come home so I know exactly when my panic attack can commence and approximately how long it will last so I can prepare accordingly. Still 75 minutes away.

Deep cleansing breath.

And wine.

It's not just a fear that something bad will happen that I struggle with.  It goes deeper than that.  I am also afraid, maybe even more afraid, that if something very bad did actually happen I would be so angry and disillusioned with God that I'm not sure what effect that would have on me, and my faith.  Oh dear.  I need to give this to God.  Really, I do. 

Give it to God...yes I know.  Let go and let it.  God grant me the serenity...memorized that one years ago.  Most of the things we worry about don't happen...oh shut it.  Really, I know all that.  In my head.  I'm just having trouble convincing my heart.

1 comment:

  1. Love it, Lisa! Oh, it is so hard to let go......but even the hard things are part of THEIR faith journey, hard for Mama to watch, but wonderful to see the fruit!