What's happening

 It's more of a statement than a question...or I guess it's both.  

What's happening.

I have a confession to make.  2021 has kicked my butt.  There I said it.  No sugar coating, just being real.  I'm not going to pretend that I've been riding waves of strength and peace as I've navigated through this past half-a-year since Vince's heart issues began (or surfaced, rather).  They began long before that day that he had his first heart attack in May and I suppose that's the root of my problem.  

It snuck up on him, and thus, us.  

And that's always been my greatest fear...being blind-sided.  Scary things are lurking in the dark and without warning, they will jump out and attack.  Call it fear of the unknown.  Paranoia.  Whatever.  I've struggled with it my entire life.  I'm afraid to be happy and calm because then I let my guard down and am not prepared for the thing.  

The thing that's lurking, taunting me, waiting to pounce.

And it leaves me in a constant state of fear of what if...what's next.  What's the next bad thing that's going to happen.  And it's this fear that steals my joy, and sometimes my faith.

Here's where I'm supposed to trust God.  I'm so tired of being afraid.  Trying to drown my fear with food, distraction, avoidance doesn't work in the long run, it just leaves me tired and parched, feeling weak and defeated.  

I don't really have the answers right now.  It's 3am and I'm tired.  What I do know is this...the truth does not depend on my feelings.  And the truth is that I have victory in Christ.  He has not left me alone to fight my battles without weapons.  He is there and gives me all that I need to live a victorious life.  The answer is in scripture, in Jesus Himself.  

That's where my focus needs to be...not on my circumstances, or my fears, but on Him.  I need to get on with living and not wait until things aren't hard in life to be happy.  Thank you God for restoring my peace and joy!  

Thank you for being my Savior tonight.