If you happen to
"No offense, but..."
This phrase is most popular with our younger two children. Nothing good ever follows it. It's when you have something to say that prolly doesn't need to be said, but alas you say it anyway because you are, you know, 9 or 10 (and sometimes older) and haven't learned how to properly censor yourself yet.
"No offense, but today you look like you did in that picture of you with your sister."
"You mean the one I have framed in my room that is very special to me because I thought we both looked good?"
"Yea, that's the one."
"Mmm, k."
Just as nothing good ever follows "no offense, but...", nothing good preceeds this next phrase which is also very popular in our home, moreso with our teenagers.
"I'm just sayin'..."
It's also used when you have something to say that shouldn't necessarily be said, but it is intended to justify whatever preceeded it, which may or may not imply a direct slam.
"Joe's mom is SO COOL! She makes the best mac & cheese in the world and lets us do whatever we want. She's like the coolest mom EVER. Not that you aren't cool too, Mom. I'm just sayin."
"Thanks. I feel awesome now."
Sometimes if you are really crafty, you can take "No offense, but" and "I'm just sayin" and sandwich an insult between them.
"No offense, but you're feet smell like cheese. I don't mean that in a bad way, I'm just sayin".
"Your face..."
This is a phrase that Nick started and it's caught on like obnoxious wildfire at our house. It is very versatile and can be used as a response to virtually any statement that one makes. It really has no meaning at all, so don't bother trying to make any sense out of it. We sure don't.
"You look tired."
"Your face looks tired".
"Time to shut off the tv."
"Your face can shut off the tv."
"Will you make me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?"
"Your face can make me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich."
It's very Napoleon and Kip, which is why it is so prevalent in our house and why I find it so amusing (most of the time).
And, lastly but certainly not leastly, is the ever popular...
"Not Me..."
"Not Me" is not so much a phrase, as it is a living and active member of our family. Not Me is responsible for most of the things that go wrong around here, and if it weren't for him our kids would be in a lot more trouble. Despite my recent announcement that Not Me has moved out and no longer resides here, he still gets blamed for everything.
"Who made this mess?"
"Not Me."
"Who left the freezer door open in the garage so that hundreds of dollars worth of meat and tater tots can spoil and need to be thrown away?"
"Not Me."
"Who ate all the Nutella? I just bought a new jar like a week ago! Oh wait, that was me."
That's all.
And you thought I was going to end this post with some witty application of one of these phrases, didn't you? Well not me, my friend. Sometimes I am predictable like that (your face is predictable like that), but obviously the mysteries that surround me are far too vast and varied to be predictable all the time. No offense, but you obviously don't know me like you think you do. I'm just sayin.
