What can I obsess about now?

I'm pretty much just going from one thing to the next...trying not to focus on the fact that my son is away, several states away, and I can't call him.  I  don't know how he's doing, don't know if he's happy.  Well, he's at basic training, I'm not sure anyone there is "happy", but I just want to know that he's not miserable.  It's a helpless feeling, knowing that really big and scary people are going to be mean to my boy and there is nothing that mama bear can do about it. 

Big sigh.

He's been gone for 10 days and I've rarely even gone one day of his entire life without at least talking to him.  I knew this would happen, that there would be no contact for a while, but it doesn't make it any easier.  

Yes, I realize that I am whining and sound all kinds of pathetic.

He tried calling yesterday, around 2pm.  His phone number was on the caller ID and when I saw it my heart sank.  I missed it.  I'm sure he knew we would be at work, but it was probably the only opportunity he had to use his phone.  He called his dad too and left him a message saying "tell Mom I love her and everyone", and that made my  heart very happy :)

Yes, I realize that I'm being dramatic about this.  He's just at basic training, he hasn't died or anything, and he'll be home at Christmas.  I've hardly seen him all summer since graduation, so you'd think I'd be used to him being gone.  I can't explain why this is so hard for me, except that he's my boy and my mama heart misses him tremendously.  It's still so unbelievable to me.  He grew up right before my eyes, and yet I feel like it happened overnight.  All the people who told me that the years would go by fast - I didn't believe it.  Until now, and I find myself telling other moms of young kids the same thing.  It did go fast - my baby boy has become a man and in the midst of my "is this really happening?", I couldn't be more proud.    I'm proud of who he is - his strength and determination, his sense of humor, his commitment to his people, his growing faith, his desire to do something important with his life.  This is a time of celebration!  We raised a human from birth to adulthood - and lived to tell about it!  And I don't mind saying I think we've done a pretty good job.  He's amazing, and I've been enamored with him since before he was born.

Now here I am, watching as my baby boy launches into adulthood and has flown our coop to follow his great big amazing dreams.  I am cheering him on and waving with a big lump in my throat, tears on my cheeks, and a heart that still grieves for the childhood I wish I could have given him.  It didn't look how I had hoped.  I wanted more than anything to give my kids a loving, stable, happy home.  I never wanted divorce to be part of our story.  I can't explain the pain of seeing my six year old child's heart broken.  It changed him.  My sweet happy little boy became sad and angry...at least for a time.  Oh, he accepted and adjusted and we all made the best of it, and God brought healing...so much healing during those difficult years.  But divorce changes you.  As a child, and as an adult, it changes you at the core.  You get through it and move on, but the effects of tearing a family apart stick , and they recur as maturity happens and understanding grows, and brings with it more questions than answers.  Confusion, anger, and sadness can linger and turn into bitterness in a child's heart - or worse yet, apathy.  I worry about what effect that experience will have on my boys' lives - the choices they will make as adults, how they'll feel about themselves, their wives, their families, and their faith.  I pray that the curse of divorce that seems to be on my family ends with my generation.   That my kids and grandkids will never experience it.  I pray fervently for that, and often.  If generational curses are real, I know they are not inevitable.  Not with God.  He makes all things new...including the aftermath of the devastation that is divorce.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." - Romans 8:28

I feel a little bit better getting  all that out.  Maybe now I can let go...let go of the guilt I've been carrying about not being able to give my boys the picture perfect childhood that I dreamt for them.  Maybe that's ok? They weren't all that realistic - the expectations and dreams I had when I was a young mother.  I've learned through my own experience that we grow in our faith, and cling most to our Father in times of brokenness.   God is the restorer of broken things, and that is what He has done for us.  In His great wisdom and faithfulness, He made a plan to restore what had been stolen from us all.

"God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing." - Psalm 68:6.  

He gave my boys sisters and more brothers, and another dad to love and guide them through life.  Yes, it's messy at times, this crazy blended family of ours.  It can be complicated and frustrating and hard...but maybe that's part of the plan?  Maybe there is blessing in it not being easy?  And maybe, just maybe, that is why my son is now choosing this tough path.  The Army is not easy.  It will be complicated and frustrating and hard.  And maybe that is just the path God has called him to...because He has blessings in mind for my son that he wouldn't learn on an easy road. 

Mind blow.  There He goes again....turning things around for me.  Turning something that I am grieving over into something I am thankful and hopeful about.  God is so good at that.

Will I ever be able to leave the house again without imagining a bat flying at my face?

Because that's what happened to me on Sunday night.  Hope and I were leaving to go school supply shopping, and as I opened the door to our garage...something dark that I didn't understand at all came flappy flapping RIGHT AT MY FACE.

I shrieked like I haven't in some time and promptly slammed the door shut and did what any normal woman would do in this situation...SCREAMED FOR MY HUSBAND.  He was already on his way, after hearing my shrieking which I would find out later he was quite amused by.  I told him "something" was in the garage and it flew right at me like this (flopping my hands in front of my face) and it was definitely NOT A MOTH.

He calmly said "it was probably a bat, hon."  Which immediately sent my already confuzzled brain into full

I am just trying to get through the days without having a stroke

This is what I wrote in my journal on June 5th, the beginning of summer...

"I am just trying to get through each day without having a stroke...that's my goal, to not stroke out.  Maybe I have set the bar a bit too low, but at least it's somewhat achievable!  I go through this every summer - the end of the school year means another summer where my kids are home alone all day & I'm missing countless opportunities to be with them...having the fun, nurturing, guiding, protecting, supervising, laughing, talking, cleaning, shopping, cooking healthy meals, all the things I desire in my heart to do with and for them.  Instead, they are on their own eating hot pockets & frozen pizza and fighting & leaving the house whenever and going wherever with whoever...and I'm not there.  I'm so sad, worried, frustrated at why God has said 'no' to my years of praying (to be home).  God, help me.  This is worse than the other years because it might be the last year Nick and Vinny are home - and I've missed it."

Well, here we are approaching the end of the summer.  Some things have changed and I've learned quite a bit.  About myself and my kids and my husband and our God...

First of all, I didn't have a stroke.  That's a good thing.

Secondly, my kids are much more capable of managing themselves than I had given them credit for.  Yea, I know there were probably fights, but this summer I didn't get one single call (yet) by someone saying/yelling/crying because they were being picked on/ignored/infuriated by a sibling.  Progress?  I think so.  The kids are maturing and I'm so proud of them!  And me...I'm learning to let go a bit.  Just a bit.  Little bits at a time.  Is it possible to hold onto your kids too tightly?  If so, I've probably been guilty of that.  It's good for them to work out their disagreements themselves, without one of the parents swooping in and administering justice - which is sometimes necessary, but in the long run they don't learn how to work things out themselves and experience the consequences of not.  Hopefully through those experiences, they learn compassion and compromise and selflessness...and how to live with someone that you CAN'T STAND RIGHT NOW!!!  Not that I would know anything about that.

And then there's the food.  With our new juicing adventure, we are eliminating most processed food from the house.  So that means no more mac & cheese, frozen pizzas, and hot pockets. Oh the horror.  Either the kids will learn to make "real food" for lunch, or they will starve.  Or I suppose they will mooch food off their friends, or spend their spending money buying junk at the Cenex.  All of which I'm sure have been occurring. Our hope is that the "real food" concept will win out most of the time.  So far they have been gagging at our juices, but my kale, cuke, apple, carrot juice today is pretty delish!

I think I'll go enjoy it on our deck and chat with our kids and our dog and my husband and possibly journal some more.

Our summer in review, a new adventure, and why I shouldn't be blogging

Why is it that my kids can ignore me for hours, but as soon as I want to talk on the phone or go to bed, it's "Mom!  Mom!  Mom!  Mom!  Mom!"?  One would think that when kids become teenagers this phenomenon would end, but one would be wrong.  I was able to make the escape tonight, shoving my bedroom door closed as my youngest narrowly escaped getting his nose caught in the door.  I want to be available to my kids and all, but it's after 11:30 and we both work in the morning. 

Which is exactly why I shouldn't be blogging. 

Sleeping would be a better idea, but for some reason I'm not that tired.  I had a nap on the couch for an hour or so this evening, and slept in 'til 9 this morning, so I'm good.  Besides that, Vince and I have so much more energy now with our new adventure:  juicing!  We started two weeks ago and the results have been amazing!  I have lost 6 lbs and Mr. Wonderful has lost 13!  Jerk.  SO not fair.  I'm so happy for him us!

It all started because of this documentary, and it has changed our lives.  We watched it a few weeks ago, and even though we have talked about losing weight and made some feeble attempts at it over the years, this time something clicked...we are ready to make a change to improve our health and live the life we are meant to live.  It's only been two weeks, but what we have learned so far has been mind blowing!  Probably the most profound thing for me has been losing the cravings.  It happened within the first couple days, I literally don't think about food until I am feeling hungry.  I look at food differently now...as a source of nutrition instead of a way to escape stress.  We are having a juice and an egg for breakfast and another for lunch, and supper is lean protein with vegies and a salad.  We have so much more energy - I even played tennis yesterday afternoon!  I have had no headaches, and Vince's joint pain is gone.  We don't get sluggish or reach for the caffeine to get us through the days.  It's been nothing short of amazing so far and we are motivated to keep going.

So here we are 2/3 through another summer and my mind has not caught up with that fact.  Given the time and my need to both blog and sleep, here are some sentences about what I have learned so far this summer:

Having two boys in baseball significantly impacts our schedules and our ability to cook meals at home, but it's also super fun to hang out with the other parents and watch our boys rock it!

Nats are very annoying.

I have vacuumed approximately 47 lbs. of baseball sand from our house and vehicles.

Having a girl who loves to perform also significantly impacts our schedules and our ability to cook meals at home, but it's also super awesome to watch her do what she loves, and do it so well!

Flowers are beautiful!

Purchasing a ton of flowers and planting them in pots on our decks, and admiring their beauty everyday is very rewarding and relaxing.

If you don't keep up with the watering, they will die and you will end up throwing them out 2/3 of the way through the summer.  Again. 

Sigh.

Cooking with fresh herbs grown on your deck is delicious and super fun!

Your herbs will survive because your husband cares more about them than you do about the flowers, and thus they will get watered enough.

Having two boys entering their last year of highschool in a month is cause enough to COMPLETELY FREAK ME OUT!!! 

Oh dear, I need to go to sleep before I get myself all worked up.

Cottages, coffee, and our most favorite summertime thing

You know what is better than last night?  This night!  Our most favorite summertime thing to do as a family is sit on our deck around our fire pit, making s'mores and talking and being silly.  That is what we did for the first time of the season tonight, and it was wonderful.   All kinds of wonderful! 

Ever since the middles have gotten jobs and girlfriends and cars, we don't see nearly as much of them as we used to, and it's got this mama all wigged out sometimes.  To be honest, I don't like it.  Oh, I am proud of them and everything and I know this is part of their growing up and out from under our wings, but I'm not used to it.  I'm much happier when they are all here.  Home.  With us.  Not gone.  You get the picture. 

Well, today for most of the day we were all together (minus the two olders of course, and they are always missed).  But today, everyone who currently resides at our home was actually here at the same time and it was a little slice of heaven on earth.  It started with sleeping in, which is always a great way to start a Saturday.  Vince and I headed to town around 9:30 to do our usual Saturday morning ritual of breakfast, shopping, and coffee....iced mochas to be exact from the best coffee place in town -  Mugby Junction.  Hallo!  We had planned to get our flowers & herbs purchased and planted, but that will have to wait until tomorrow because when we got home, we got involved in projects around the house which filled up the rest of our afternoon...Vince worked on the kids' bikes and got the lawnmower running for Kyle to do the first mow of the season.  He also prepared some firewood and cleaned the grill while I swept the garage and assembled our pots and deck boxes for our planting adventure, and made a new header for my blog.  Nick went golfing with friends and then took a nap, Vinny did his own thing (as usual), Kyle got busy throwing stuff into the basketball hoop while jumping on his mini-tramp, and Hope had some friends over.  And then, possibly most exciting of all, we found the perfect non-victorian destination for our anniversary weekend!!  Thanks to my friend and fellow blogger Heather, we will be going here:  Hawks View Cottages and Lodges.  And I only have one thing to say about all this...

OH HEAVENLY DAY!! 

I'm just a tad bit excited about it.

Tomorrow will be just as wonderful...church, a trip to Pork & Plants for the best flowers in the area (I'll post pics of our creations) and another day with the middles and the youngers all home with us at the same time.  Yay! 

Some things, and some random couch ramblings

I have not moved off the couch for three hours, most of which were spent napping on Mr. Wonderful's shoulder, and I do not regret a minute of it.  He surfed the cable channels and I opened my eyes at random moments to see guys bargaining and finally settling on purchasing an old model car for $35,000...Guy Fiere eating something that looks like smoked pulled pork...and Hanibal Lector (TV version) looking and talking all creepy. 

I definitely needed a nap, aka an escape from reality, because my pre-nap reality was getting pretty crabby.

I'm not sure if it was my very busy week at work followed by evenings of running kids to and fro every single minute of every single night this week, or if it was the constant, incessant noise and demands and phone ringing since walking through the door tonight, or if it was the dog running from the front door to the back door to the front door to the back door - all while whining because Kyle was playing outside without her that caused me to nearly lose my mind.  But whatever the reason, I nearly did LOSE MY EVER-LOVING MIND tonight.  That nap was my saving grace. Along with a very smart husband who made me a Disaronno and Diet Coke and let me snooze on him while demanding absolutely nothing at all.  (Thank you, hon.)  He is very smart and knows when a woman - namely his woman - is about to blow and needs a self imposed time-out.

So.  My post-nap life now consists of continuing to sit on the couch between two of my loves...my husband and son...blogging, ignoring the tv, and wondering who farted.  All things that I do on a regular basis.  Except for the blogging.  It's been a while since I've done that, as evidenced by the Christmas theme on my blog header. 

The dubs and I have been researching bed and breakfasts lately.  We want to take a little getaway to celebrate our anniversary next month.  This process itself has proved to be kind of frustrating because we can't seem to find what we are looking for anywhere near here.  Nearly all of the B&B's in southeast MN have a Victorian theme, which we do not find appealing at all.  Overly flowery wall paper with coordinating (or not) bedding, and lots of clutter is not something either of us find relaxing or romantic.  What we have in mind is something that makes us feel like we are in a cabin in the mountains...rustic and modern with a hot tub and fireplace in the room...on a beach...with loons serenading us in the morning as we sit on our private veranda eating breakfast prepared by someone else.  And a waterfall.  Is that too much to ask?  I think not. 

Sigh. 

At this point I would settle for an overnight at the Holiday Inn...as long as it did not include spending the evening in the car, ignoring the tv or the phone ringing or a farting dog.  (The dog got blamed for the farting, of course.) 

Some more random couch ramblings...

I love Kwik Trip.  We get most of our regulars there - milk, OJ, eggs, butter, bananas, apples, bread and occasional (gross) breakfast sandwich and I have no problem with that.  But fresh meat?  Hamburger and steak and chicken?  Really Kwik Trip?  Not so sure about that.  May be just a bit out of your league. 

Microwave popcorn smells like butt.  In the year and a half that we were without a microwave and survived just fine, thank-you-very-much, I did not miss microwave popcorn at all.   Stove top popcorn is 110% better. 

I cannot wait for this movie to come out.  CAN NOT!

I have now been on the couch for the past four hours, and pretty soon I'm going to get up and go to bed and I don't feel one bit guilty.  We have a busy life and a full weekend ahead of us filled with laundry and projects and cleaning and bills and running kids to and fro and maybe planting some flowers and changing my blog header, so evenings like this are heavenly.