Friday, February 08, 2008

What's in a name?

So, the latest drama & trauma at my house is revolving around my name......more specifically my last name. Nick asked me recently if my last name will still be "Evans" after Vince and I are married. Up to that point, I really hadn't given it much thought, at least not from the boys' perspective. Ever since the proposal, I've been pretty giddy about being the future "Mrs. Howard", and so has Vince! So when I told them that I would be taking Vince's last name, and would be Lisa Howard (wow, looks kinda cool typed out! I've never done that before.) I really didn't expect the boys to react the way they did. I knew that it would feel a bit weird to them and would take some getting used to, but it has actually shaken their world up quite a bit. They are very upset about the idea of us having different last names, and even said that it won't feel like I am their mom anymore. Ouch. That hurt my heart, deeply.

Vince and have I talked at length about this and I have to admit that I have had mixed emotions. How could I not share my last name with my husband? Yet, how could I not share my last name with my boys? We talked over all the options - keeping my last name Evans (that was never an option for me), or hyphenating both last names. That seemed at first like a good compromise to me, but in thinking that through it would be very confusing on several levels (how do we have our checks printed? do I want to sign my name that way all the time? how will we introduce ourselves?) Neither of us liked that option very much, in fact Vince feels very strongly that he wants me to have his last name and doesn't want me to keep my ex's last name - at all. Now, before you picture him thumping his chest and dragging me around by my hair....let me assure you that Vince treats me with the utmost honor and respect, and is not in anyway trying to control me. I know that if I told him that I wanted to keep my last name, he would honor my decision. He is sharing his heart and would honestly be hurt if I did, but he would accept it if it was what I wanted. So, this put me in a very difficult position.....whatever I chose, someone was going to feel hurt. My sons or my husband. I hate that! I'm not the type of person who can just disregard someone's feelings and say "this is what I want, I don't care how you feel about it!" So after talking it through at length, several times actually, we came to the decision together that I will in fact change my name to Lisa Howard (yay!!) But what about the boys? I have repeatedly reassured them that no matter what my name is, I am and always will be their mom. Nothing will ever change that. We are also going to be careful (and ask those in our lives to do the same) not to refer to us as "The Howard Family". We just really want to be sensitive to Nick & Kyle so that they don't feel like they are being left out.

So all this has got me thinking ~ and subsequently rambling =). This really is a bigger issue than just the name thing. It goes far deeper than that. We are finding out that it is a complex thing blending two families together!! Everyone is trying to figure out their place in this new family that we are creating ~ and wondering how our lives, our relationships, and even our identities will change. Vince and I believe whole-heartedly that God's design & purpose for a blended family is the same as a natural family......unity. We feel strongly that we need to not only bond together as a couple, but in order to truly achieve unity as a family we need to love eachother's children as our own. In our home, they won't be "my kids/your kids" but "our kids". In fact, we already feel that way! We want our home to be one of complete acceptance and unconditional love, and as long as we build it on the foundation of Jesus Christ, it will be. But this also brings up alot of questions and feelings...will Nick & Kyle feel that they are less important to me as I open my heart and love Vince's kids as my own? If we have different last names? Will Brittany, Trevor, Vinny or Hope feel like they are betraying their mom if they open their hearts to me and accept me as a "new" mom in their lives? Will Nick & Kyle feel like they are betraying their dad as they bond with Vince as a "new" dad in their lives?

Whew!!! I don't know about you, but I need to take a breath!! This is all so overwhelming for me to think about. But I do know one thing...we are not going to have to figure this all out on our own. God has a plan, not only for Vince and I but for each of our kids. He is bringing us together as a family, and He is working it all out for the good of ALL of us! We just need to trust Him and let Him do it! (I think I need to go back and re-read my post from Wednesday.)

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
Oh, I almost forgot. After talking through the whole name change thing with the boys, we prayed about it and they went to bed. My heart was broken at the thought of them feeling separated from me in any way and I wondered if I was causing them serious psychological damage. So I prayed more about it and went to bed. The next morning, I asked Nick if he wanted to talk more about it. Much to my surprise he said nonchalantly, "It's fine, Mom. I'm ok with it. It's just a name." Thank You, Lord!

And now I know that Vince has some things on his heart to share about this ~ so I will pass the baton to you, hon....

3 comments:

  1. Anonymous2/08/2008

    Lisa,
    Very good thoughts. I am glad this is not my problem, PTL. I don't know how I would handle it. I do know if you keep God first, that all else will work out OK.
    Michael

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  2. Anonymous2/09/2008

    Dearest Lisa, and new family! :) LIVE IN THE MOMENT! worry has no place here, i know easier said then to put legs it! BUT we as believers know that there is an enemy that JUST wants to STEAL OUR JOY!!you guys have some pretty heady stuff! I will give you that you and vince have alot to put at the foot of the cross..that is the key..that is really all GOD asks of HIS Children..GIVE IT TO ME..I AM JUST THAT BIG!!:)and BIGGER!! and you and baby brother have done that, and keep doing that, and are committed to honor HIM in your new home!! it might not make the problem so away BUT you are in HIS family and that if anything means peace..even if you can't see it right now. well ramblings from your future sister-in-law! hope i helped even if it gave you a break from thinking for a minute! well have a SUPER week! love debbie

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  3. Thanks Mike & Debbie!!
    Deb, it's funny you should mention the fact that worry steals our joy...we have been talking about just that very thing and it is so true. We have let worry (and missing eachother) steal our joy during this most joyful time of our lives ~ our engagement! I'm so glad I am not the only "rambler" in the fam =) Thank you for all of your love and support you have shown both Vince and I ~ along with the rest of the family. Love you guys! ~ Your future sis-in-law, Lisa

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