I haven't fallen off the face of the earth yet. Not that I'm aware of anyway. But if you know me, then you know that it's not outside the realm of possibility that I have indeed fallen off the planet and am still oblivious to my whereabouts.
Let's pretend, just for kicks and giggles, that I am still here. Where exactly HERE is, I'm not so sure.
Am I starting a daycare? I don't know.
Am I quitting my job? I don't know.
Am I sure of what God wants me to do? Heavens no.
Am I confused? Ummmm....yea. You could say that I'm just a little confused. Kind of like the Grand Canyon is just a little hole.
I built it, and they have not come. I am all ready to open my daycare. I've got toys, games, activities, plans, a website, contracts, policies, a license from the State of MN, an ad in the paper and our town newsletter, and I've got lots and lots of people encouraging me and telling me how fast I'm going to fill up and what a wonderful thing this is that I'm doing. What I don't have are kids. Other people's kids I mean (I still have my own, of course). I don't have one single family signed up. Barely any calls even. I spent $80 on a 2 week ad in our paper and got exactly one phone call. They wanted a daycare that would be open from 6am - 10pm. Umm, sorry no. It's been almost 2 months and not a single bite. So here I am sitting on the end of the dock with my pole in the water, waiting...while my bobber is bobbing around and nothing is happening except the sound of crickets chirping in the background.
Am I learning to trust God in all of this confusion? I'd like to say yes...I'd love it in fact...to be able to honestly say that my faith is growing and I'm more sure than ever that God is and will continue to guide my steps and lead me down the right path.
I could say that. But I'd be lying.
This is what I get for praying for God to help me trust Him more. He just lets me flounder around in a big ole cesspool of confusion...or so it seems from my perspective. Which I don't trust AT ALL anymore. I could add an "hmmmph" here, but that just wouldn't cut it. Because I'm actually pretty mad. I'm just wondering what in the world is going on? I thought this is what God wanted me to be doing. I thought it was an answer to years of prayers to be able to be home with my kids and still be able to provide for them financially. I thought it was the right timing, and the right everything.
I'm not sure how to feel about all of this now. Or what to do. I'll just keep working at my job I guess (which I do love) until God makes it clear that He wants me to do something else (which I thought He had already done, but I won't go there again).
Has this ever happened to you? Where you thought you were on the path that God had planned for you, but it just wasn't going where you thought He was leading you?