Sunday, April 11, 2010

Fear, passion, and poptarts

I don't like being in a state of limbo.

I don't like change.

And I have a fear of regret.  Not just a passing fear, but a crippling fear of doing the wrong thing and then regretting it and beating myself up because of it and ruining everyone's life including my own.  (I tend to get a little dramatic when I'm afraid).  I don't like having to make decisions where I don't know what the outcome is going to be for sure - which is true of about 90% of decisions we make, I know, but for many decisions we at least have the illusion of knowing what the outcome is going to be and it's kind of comforting at least for a while until the bottom falls out and we realize that it was a bad bad idea and then we have regret, which is exactly what I'm afraid of.  Breath.  (I also tend to ramble when I'm stressed, which you prolly already know).

I've alluded to this "big thing" in my life that God is doing, and I'm finally ready to share what it is....and no, I'm not pregnant.

(Drum roll please)

I'm seriously considering...

making plans...

pretty much for surely going to...

(taking a deep breath here)

...quit my job of 17 years and open my own in-home daycare & preschool!

Whew.  There.  I said it.  It's happening.  I think. 

I'm tetering on the edge of this cliff, and I either need someone to push me over it or pull me back.  I'm not sure which, but one thing I do know is that I don't want to teter anymore, and I don't want me to be the one to make the decision!  I want someone else to do it because I'm having a whole gamut of emotions and thoughts from excitement to terror, and like I said I have this massive fear of regret.  I know that sounds dramatic, but I've made some pretty bad decisions before and this is a huge step for me.  Not only me, but my whole family.  It's a long term decision - not one that I can try out for a few weeks and then change my mind. 

So, I'm stressed.  And when I'm stressed I tend to do alot of things to try and deal with it, which can quite often resemble a rollercoaster ride.  Here are some of those things that I do, mixed with some things that I should do in order to deal with it and make a decision already:

Ramble alot.  (done).

Make a list of the pros and the cons.  (I've done that and the list is really "do it" heavy).

Pray.  (I'm doing that alot and welcoming anyone and everyone to join me).

Get up at 3:16am and blog about my stress while eating poptarts.  (Which is what I'm currently doing.  I'll let you know later if it helps).

Remember that God is not a God of confusion.

He's also not the God of fear. 

Pray some more.

Get Godly counsel.

Look at what my options are and spend some time imagining what each option would be like, and how it would effect my family.  (This is the step that is currently tripping me up).

Trust.  Trust that God will provide for our needs, no matter what.  (Also tripping on this one a bit, even though I know that I know that I know).

Figure out where my true passion is...what God is placing on my heart to do.  As I contemplate that, and seek to follow His leading, here is what I know for sure that I am passionate about:

1)  I want to be there for my kids....truly be there.  I want to be the one raising them, guiding them, and loving them everyday.  It's what I've wanted since before they were born, and even though they are 8 and older, I know it's not too late.

2) I love working with children and families.  I love making a difference in their lives...helping children grow, helping parents become more empowered and improve their relationships with their kids.  This is what I do in my job now....you know, the one I've had for 17 years that I am terrified and sad about leaving.

These are my true passions.  I know that for sure.  And I also know for sure that God has a plan for my life.  And when I look at how He has used the past two years...actually how He has worked in my life over the past 13 years since I was pregnant with my first born, I can clearly see how He has prepared my heart, guided my steps, and opened doors for these two passions of mine to come together to fruition. 

I think I have my answer.

I'm ready to jump.  Well, I'm close.

Oh, and the getting up at 3am eating poptarts and blogging thing?  Works for me!

9 comments:

  1. Seriously, Lisa, you need to do this, because I need to give you all of my supplies. I can't just give these things to Goodwill. I need to know that they are going somewhere that they will be loved, where I can visit them again, and see small children loving them like my kids did. Just jump. You're not going to be alone.
    -Kari

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  2. See, Kari, this is why I love you!

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  3. My Dearest love,
    Kari is right, you NEED to do this...and you are NOT going to be alone! ~ V

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  4. ...and this is why I love YOU!

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  5. Lisa!

    How exciting that you have come to the point of sharing this leap of faith openly! It's a great feeling to 'release' it, isn't it?

    If this is your TRUE PASSION in life GO FOR IT! I'm so EXCITED for you! I know it's scary to leave something that's comfortable, dependable, and safe but I've been there and you'll find that once you make that leap God will provide you the peace and provision that you never dreamed possible. It's a leap of faith and God HONORS that.

    Plus you have your husband behind you 100%! What a HUGE BLESSING that is! Sometimes our spouses see us and know us more than we know ourselves and can see gifts and passions in us that we don't see. Listen to Vince :)...and God of course!

    Sometimes God answers our prayers by speaking to us through other people. That's one thing I am slowly learning because I don't "hear" God speak to me directly very often, like Tim H said in his interview with Pastor James yesterday (don't remember which service that was...we were there for both!). I know when I've had BIG life changing decisions to make in the past and I have prayed and prayed and waited and waited for God to give me this big "AHA" moment by speaking directly to me in that 'still small (or loud?!) voice I finally realized that God was speaking to me through the people around me and had been ALL along!!! Does that make sense?

    Also, remember, God can do IMMEASURABLY more than you can ask or imagine!

    Ephesians 3: 20-21 ~ Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

    You go girl! I can't wait to see how God BLESSES your new venture :)

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  6. Oh, Jenni, you made me cry! THANK you for your words of encouragement...you are so right about God speaking through others. Many times I have done exactly what you describe...waited until I heard God's voice clearly in my ear, but when my mind is so cluttered with my own thoughts it's hard to hear it. That's when I need to look outside myself and see God's confirmation coming from others and from open doors. And He has done that many times regarding this decision, so I know it's time for me to jump :)

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  7. Good for you Lisa! It's NEVER too late!

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  8. donna canell4/13/2010

    hey Lisa,

    It's been a few hours since you've been here and it looks like to me prayers are being answered and confirmations are being made. Let go and enjoy the ride. Watch God work in the eye of the storm....it makes you feel so ALIVE when we're forced to be totally dependent on HIM. He is the waymaker. Love, your sister in law!!!

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  9. Thank you Julie, for the reminder. It never is too late, is it?

    And Donna....thank you so much. For your advice, your prayers, and encouragement. I've needed that and appreciate all of your honesty and support. You are a big reason why I feel like I can do this (but I won't hold you responsible if I screw it up - haha). Love you too!!!

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