I don't like being in a state of limbo.
I don't like change.
And I have a fear of regret. Not just a passing fear, but a crippling fear of doing the wrong thing and then regretting it and beating myself up because of it and ruining everyone's life including my own. (I tend to get a little dramatic when I'm afraid). I don't like having to make decisions where I don't know what the outcome is going to be for sure - which is true of about 90% of decisions we make, I know, but for many decisions we at least have the illusion of knowing what the outcome is going to be and it's kind of comforting at least for a while until the bottom falls out and we realize that it was a bad bad idea and then we have regret, which is exactly what I'm afraid of. Breath. (I also tend to ramble when I'm stressed, which you prolly already know).
I've alluded to this "big thing" in my life that God is doing, and I'm finally ready to share what it is....and no, I'm not pregnant.
(Drum roll please)
I'm seriously considering...
pretty much for surely going to...
(taking a deep breath here)
...quit my job of 17 years and open my own in-home daycare & preschool!
Whew. There. I said it. It's happening. I think.
I'm tetering on the edge of this cliff, and I either need someone to push me over it or pull me back. I'm not sure which, but one thing I do know is that I don't want to teter anymore, and I don't want me to be the one to make the decision! I want someone else to do it because I'm having a whole gamut of emotions and thoughts from excitement to terror, and like I said I have this massive fear of regret. I know that sounds dramatic, but I've made some pretty bad decisions before and this is a huge step for me. Not only me, but my whole family. It's a long term decision - not one that I can try out for a few weeks and then change my mind.
So, I'm stressed. And when I'm stressed I tend to do alot of things to try and deal with it, which can quite often resemble a rollercoaster ride. Here are some of those things that I do, mixed with some things that I should do in order to deal with it and make a decision already:
Ramble alot. (done).
Make a list of the pros and the cons. (I've done that and the list is really "do it" heavy).
Pray. (I'm doing that alot and welcoming anyone and everyone to join me).
Get up at 3:16am and blog about my stress while eating poptarts. (Which is what I'm currently doing. I'll let you know later if it helps).
Remember that God is not a God of confusion.
He's also not the God of fear.
Pray some more.
Get Godly counsel.
Look at what my options are and spend some time imagining what each option would be like, and how it would effect my family. (This is the step that is currently tripping me up).
Trust. Trust that God will provide for our needs, no matter what. (Also tripping on this one a bit, even though I know that I know that I know).
Figure out where my true passion is...what God is placing on my heart to do. As I contemplate that, and seek to follow His leading, here is what I know for sure that I am passionate about:
1) I want to be there for my kids....truly be there. I want to be the one raising them, guiding them, and loving them everyday. It's what I've wanted since before they were born, and even though they are 8 and older, I know it's not too late.
2) I love working with children and families. I love making a difference in their lives...helping children grow, helping parents become more empowered and improve their relationships with their kids. This is what I do in my job now....you know, the one I've had for 17 years that I am terrified and sad about leaving.
These are my true passions. I know that for sure. And I also know for sure that God has a plan for my life. And when I look at how He has used the past two years...actually how He has worked in my life over the past 13 years since I was pregnant with my first born, I can clearly see how He has prepared my heart, guided my steps, and opened doors for these two passions of mine to come together to fruition.
I think I have my answer.
I'm ready to jump. Well, I'm close.
Oh, and the getting up at 3am eating poptarts and blogging thing? Works for me!