Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Can I take my mask off, please?

Before you answer that, be prepared...I'm not wearing any make up. There's nothing to hide my imperfections under this mask, so if I take it off I will be completely exposed. It could be frightening, maybe even ugly sometimes. But at the expense of (I'm not sure what word to use here) I'm choosing to be real.

There have been many times when I've sat down at the computer, wanting to write about something I am struggling with or something the kids are struggling with, and then I stop myself. I can't write about that...what will people think of me? Of us? I don't want anyone thinking that I am not happy or that I'm not a good mom, or worse yet...that I don't have the faith that I profess to.

I'm just asking...can I stop pretending that everyday in our family is one blissful, Kodak Canon moment after another? Those who know me well know that isn't true...not all the time anyway. You know what I struggle with. But on my blog I think I tend to forego sharing the not-so-pretty stuff in exchange for painting a picture of a beautiful, harmonious melting pot that is our blending family. Oh, I know I have been kind of real about the not-so-pretty stuff. I haven't put on a complete fascade...ocassionally I will mention some eye rolling, or some pouting and complaining. But it's usually all wrapped up in some loving humor that would imply that I never really get riled up or depressed or discouraged much.

Truth is, I do. More often than I care to admit to myself, to God, and especially to others.

Please don't misunderstand...I LOVE my husband and all of our children with every part of my soul. I would not trade my life with anyone's. I am abundantly blessed, I am happy, and I am a daughter of the King! In my life, and in our family there are many mountain top experiences and I love to share those. But if I'm going to be honest....really honest, then I need to be able to be just as candid about the valleys as I am about the mountain tops.

Vulnerability. That's the word I was trying to think of at the beginning of this post, and it's something that I fear. Exposing my struggles leaves me feeling vulnerable and most of the time I'd much rather hold onto them and keep them safely hidden in my shell, thank-you-very-much. But there is not much freedom in that, is there? It doesn't bring God any glory at all. And it is counterproductive to the things that I value most: intimacy, authenticity, and ministering to those whom God places in our lives...which so often happens when we share our struggles with others and give them permission to do the same.

So, I'm making a decision...a declaration if you will, that I am going to be more real, a little more honest, and sometimes painfully transparent. Don't worry, I'm not going to get all Jerry Springer here. All of our kids are ours, no one is having an affair, nor is anyone throwing chairs around our house. And 99% of the time there is no cursing either (that 1% of the time when there is, it is coming out of my mouth...see? I've started already.) But there is plenty of talk show fodder here, I'll tell you that.

Oh, and one more thing. If I see you in real life and you ask how I am, I might not give you the smile and the "I'm great" line anymore. I might just be honest. Not "oh-my-gosh-fifteen-minutes-later-and-you're-so-sorry-you-asked" honest. But I might just fess up to having a bad day, or a bad week, and ask you to pray for me. And know what? I'd love it if you'd do the same.


4 comments:

  1. It is wonderful when we can find a place to be real. Being vulnerable isn't easy but at times it is a way to grow and be really known by others. People can relate to being real. I look forward to following your story! God Bless!

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  2. Anonymous11/25/2009

    Good morning sista, Bring it Girl! those who love you for you and those who have committed themselves to Christ and works to allow Christslove to chance them one heartbeat at a time. what i'm trying to say we believers work to love with Christ's love. so bring it sista..nothing but love here! :) love debbie

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  3. Thanks Debbie ~ you are so awesome :) I love that God brought you into my life!!

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