a new thing

This is what the LORD says—
he who made a way through the sea,
a path through the mighty waters...

"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland."  Isaiah 43:16, 18-19

A new thing...God is doing a new thing in me.   I've been in a wasteland of sorts for a while now, and it all centers around my feelings about myself as a mom.  Feeling like I'm failing my kids on so many levels.  I know that's not very Brady Bunch of me to say, and I don't want to be misinterpretted as saying that our home or our family is a wasteland.  The wasteland has been in my own heart and mind, and the mighty waters that have been raging against me have been made up of discouragement, discontentment, and sometimes even hopelessness.

Doesn't sound like something that a happily married, mother of many awesome kids, daughter of the King should be saying, does it?  Which is prolly why I haven't been blogging about it 'til now.  The truth is, I have been walking in a desert of discouragement for some time and like I said a couple posts ago, God has been growing me and stretching my faith.  And boy do I have the stretch marks to prove it!  But today, I am seeing some light break through the clouds.  It's funny, I have figured something out about God and me...when I find myself in a place of almost desperation, after begging and pleading for Him to change something in my life, when I feel like I just can't take the way things are for one more minute longer...it's then that I realize that I am usually on the brink of something big that He is doing in me.  Something is about to change, kind of like labor pains.  They get harder and harder until you feel like you can't take it anymore, and then poof!  Something beautiful and miraculous happens and you see what God has been doing.  You see what His purpose was in all the struggle and the pain and the waiting.

And you realize that it was worth it.

That's where I am.  God is birthing something new in me....a newfound hope, and a sense of purpose.  It's a journey through the desert that He's been walking me through for some time now, and not without alot of kicking and screaming either.  More than once, He has stood there patiently waiting, as I whine and pout and curl up in a fetal position next to the path, refusing to continue until He does something about the sand and the heat.  Honestly, I was sick to death of feeling defeated, discouraged, not seeing where I was going or seeing the fruit of my labor...or my prayers.

Why hasn't He made a way for me to be a stay at home mom?  It has been my heart's desire and something I have prayed for since I was pregnant with my firstborn.  I'll never forget the day that I went back to work after my maternity leave - when my husband carried our son into our daycare provider's house as I watched from the car because I couldn't bring myself to do it.  I watched through her living room window, and through my own tears, as he handed our son to her and walked out the door.  My heart broke and for days and weeks and months and years I prayed that God would make a way for me to be a stay at home mom.  He didn't.  And I didn't understand why...until six years later when my husband walked out our door.  Then I saw the wisdom and purpose in God saying "no" to my prayers.  He knew that day was coming and that I would need my job to support my sons as a single mom.

Now all our kids are in school, and I don't need to be home during the day anymore.  I missed my chance.  But if I'm being honest, I have never let go of that dream.  And I have never forgiven God for saying no to it.  Maybe "forgiven" isn't the right word to use, after all we have nothing to forgive God for, that's ridiculous!  But I have felt like He has let me down all this time.  Even now, I want to be here when they get home from school.  And as Vince and I prepare for the upcoming summer months when our kids will be home from school, I want to be here with them.  And as I have been facing some not-so-fun challenges at my job in the past year, my desire to be home, or just to escape the stress has intensified!  That's a big reason for all the discouragement.    Combine all that with feeling like a failure when our kids are fighting, complaining, and aren't always happy all the time...feeling guilty for not spending enough time with them...

Downward spiral, anyone?

So, that's what I've been walking in and pleading with God to deliver me from. 

And here is where the break in the clouds comes in...God has shown me (again) through this trial that while sometimes He deliver us from things, other times He chooses to deliver us through things.  And all while not changing our circumstances one bit.  He's not so much interested in our circumstances as He is in the condition of our hearts.   It's a lesson that He teaches me over and over again.  True contentment comes only from our relationship with Him, not from our circumstances.

God is showing me that I need to embrace where He has placed me and stop wishing for something different.  God can use me in the lives of others through my job, and He is.  He can also equip me to be the mother that He calls me to be in the lives of my children.  And if He so chooses, He can still honor my prayer to be a stay at home mom...or not.  Either way, I'm choosing to trust Him, to embrace the life that He has given me.  To stop peering over my stay-at-home neighbor's fence and pining over her green grass, and tend to my own lawn.  And let God do His thing!

This is what the LORD says—

he who made a way through the sea,
a path through the mighty waters...

"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:16, 18-19