What does it mean to love?
I should be able to write the book on that. I'm a mom. Moms love. And I'm a wife. Wives love. It's what we do, it's who we are, and it fuels everything we do. The heart of a mom and a wife is the one earthly place where everyone should feel secure, complete, and loved...right? I'm learning the hard way that it's not that easy.
God has been working on my heart lately. He is teaching me how to love. Really love. Especially when it's difficult. When, despite the veracity of love I have for my husband and our kids, and all the ways I try to show it, they sometimes don't see it and they feel unloved anyway. That can be discouraging, it breaks my heart, and causes me to have all kinds of doubts about myself. If I really love my husband and our kids (and I do), then why sometimes do they feel unloved? It has to be because I am failing them in some way...at least that's what I all too often tell myself. I'm failing them...failing to show them the love that I have in my heart, failing to heal their hurts and meet their deepest needs. Or worse yet, maybe deep down in the heart of my heart I don't really love them the way I want to or think I do? How ugly would that be if it were true?
These are some of the things that go running through my mind in my darkest moments - and trust me, running through my mind with the lights off is not a safe place to be : / Can you say land mine?
Sometimes I get in my own way and find it hard to love...when I'm too focused on myself and my own needs. Or when I am trying to show my love but my efforts seem fruitless and through tear filled eyes, and a heart that has been hurt, I hear the words (spoken or not) "I hate you. You're not good enough. You're not what I need. You're not my mom. You're not....you're not...."
It's in those moments when I feel defeated. Defeated by the very thing that draws me to them - love. It's then that I need to look beyond myself. I need to look past them, and meet eyes with the One who is standing over their shoulder...
I should be able to write the book on that. I'm a mom. Moms love. And I'm a wife. Wives love. It's what we do, it's who we are, and it fuels everything we do. The heart of a mom and a wife is the one earthly place where everyone should feel secure, complete, and loved...right? I'm learning the hard way that it's not that easy.
God has been working on my heart lately. He is teaching me how to love. Really love. Especially when it's difficult. When, despite the veracity of love I have for my husband and our kids, and all the ways I try to show it, they sometimes don't see it and they feel unloved anyway. That can be discouraging, it breaks my heart, and causes me to have all kinds of doubts about myself. If I really love my husband and our kids (and I do), then why sometimes do they feel unloved? It has to be because I am failing them in some way...at least that's what I all too often tell myself. I'm failing them...failing to show them the love that I have in my heart, failing to heal their hurts and meet their deepest needs. Or worse yet, maybe deep down in the heart of my heart I don't really love them the way I want to or think I do? How ugly would that be if it were true?
These are some of the things that go running through my mind in my darkest moments - and trust me, running through my mind with the lights off is not a safe place to be : / Can you say land mine?
Sometimes I get in my own way and find it hard to love...when I'm too focused on myself and my own needs. Or when I am trying to show my love but my efforts seem fruitless and through tear filled eyes, and a heart that has been hurt, I hear the words (spoken or not) "I hate you. You're not good enough. You're not what I need. You're not my mom. You're not....you're not...."
It's in those moments when I feel defeated. Defeated by the very thing that draws me to them - love. It's then that I need to look beyond myself. I need to look past them, and meet eyes with the One who is standing over their shoulder...
Jesus.
I hear him saying "Do it unto me". When the person I am called to love is not accepting mine. When they are unloving. Unworthy. As I so often am. I need to look past them and see Jesus. To keep my eyes on the Author of love, Himself. It softens my heart and motivates me to love the (sometimes) unlovable. To forgive the unforgivable.
Even if that person is me.
Even if that person is me.
Because that is what Christ does for me, everyday.
I struggle with this type of thing when it comes to my daughter. Just yesterday she said some mean thing and it hurt. Thank goodness a momma's heart has endless love for her children. Thank the Lord that He designed us and heals us.
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